One of our readers was able to eavesdrop on an exchange between Peter King and Chris Mortensen at Niners training camp yesterday. What did they discuss? Recycling? Coffee? THE LORD?! Read on. I’d just like to say, before you jump through, that I totally called Peter angling for his own bus from a reader. HE’S A WHORE-AHHHH!
The other day both Peter King and Chris Mortensen were at camp, scouting the Niners. The whole time they weren’t interviewing people the spent the day just talking to each other, completely ignoring the local writers, who – heaven forbid – could’ve actually given them a couple of Peter’s precious “nuggets” about the team he was there to find things out about.
They spent like 90 minutes talking to each other, right next to me. Here’s the play-by-play:
They started off by spending 20 minutes talking about Favre, I swear to god. Peter admitted that he hadn’t spoken or gotten a text from him in months. They agreed that the retiring text message story was probably a prank or a Vikings player like Jared Allen having fun with the media. Neither thinks he’s retiring and the consensus from both is that he’ll probably come back after the bye week, which to me, sounds retarded. Mortensen said Favre’s agent, Bus Cook, could be using Favre’s waffling as a tactic to ask for more money, and if he were, it’d be his idea, not Favre’s.
Holy shit. You gotta be fucking kidding me.
King agreed and said that Sean Payton told him he’s absolutely positive Favre will be back for the season opener.
The next 25-30 minutes were spent with King kissing Mortensen’s ass about his bus. “Oh my god I love your bus! It’s so neat, it’s so comfortable….” He said he was jealous because Mortensen gets to write his stories in it while he can’t. King complains, “I waste three hours every day figuring out logistics.” Well, that and figuring out what coffee to order and what his daily fantasy baseball lineup will be. King says some guy wrote him an email saying he can use his bus next year, as long as he writes about it in his MMQB column, promoting his company. King says he’s not sure if he’ll do it, “Because I don’t know if I want to go to into bed with somebody….”
My bed is already so full!
King spends 15 minutes recounting his visit the day before with the Chargers. He was rather impressed by rookie Ryan Matthews. He tells Mort, “At the time, I was really against their decision to move up so high in the draft to take him, and I told A.J. Smith that, but then I got an up-close look at Matthews. I mean most rookies, you see them at the combine, like Brian Orakpo, and you think to yourself, ‘I wanna see what he’ll look like in three years after being in an NFL weight program,’ but I got my first look at Matthews yesterday and my first thought was, ‘HOLY FUCK, WHAT A MAN.'”
King told Mortensen he’ll write all about his Chargers observations on Monday Morning Quarterback, and he actually said it that way, “I’m going to write about that stuff in Monday Morning Quarterback.”
King then added that he saw Matthews catching balls from the Juggs machine really up close so he can practice catching really fast passes (though with the Floatmaster at QB I have no idea why). Mortensen replied, “I hope it wasn’t too close, you don’t want him to be another Stuart Scott.” They both had a good chuckle about that, which was the highlight of my day.
The last five minutes, when they finally ran out of stuff to talk about, they finally paid attention to the Niners practice. They both agreed that the Niners were the team to beat in the division, thanks to the defense. They credited the entire play and attitude of the defense to Mike Singletary, even though he’s not the defensive coordinator and he wasn’t responsible for drafting any of the starters. Mort summed up his feelings by saying, “I think they can be good, but I really, really don’t like Alex Smith.” King replied, “He’s just a guy.”
P.S. Peter King is a very weird looking individual in person. He is not nearly as fat as you would guess. He’s actually lost a lot of weight. He still hitches up his shorts crazy high though because he has like no hips or ass. He has no neck either really, but a ginormous, mongoloid head. He’s basically built like a troll, like Shrek, or maybe a lollipop. Very weird to see him up close.
Perhaps he has some sort of medical condition. In which case… GET THAT MAN A BUS!
I want more like this!
Follow Kissing Suzy Kolber on Facebook and get the latest NFL news and humor before everyone else.