I’m beginning to understand why girlfriends don’t like men playing fantasy sports. In all my time writing the mailbag, I’ve never seen so many people write, “No sex question this week, just fantasy.”

Well, while we do occasionally make exceptions for people with only one kind of problem, this is the Internet’s first and — I think — only mailbag that offers both sex and fantasy football advice, so those people get priority. To everyone else with tunnel vision for their fantasy drafts: sorry. Go out there and get herpes, and then we’ll talk.

Closet Baseball Fans,
Fantasy first. I am the commissioner of a league that started as just a little fun last year with 8 people. I invited 4 more people to make it a legit number this year, and I’m getting a whole fucking lot of unsolicited input from these new bastards. They’re acting like certain things are commonplace and that it’s ridiculous that we don’t do them. Among these are 6-point passing TDs and PPR. I caved and compromised with a low-value PPR because I like the idea of a WR or RB getting a little credit for catching a pass. But why do 6-point touchdowns? I think it overvalues the top QBs. Does every league in the world do this? What do you all think about it?

If they didn’t like how the league was set up, they shouldn’t have joined. And what the fuck don’t they understand about compromise?

To answer your question, NO, most leagues do NOT award six points per passing touchdown. Most leagues award four points per pass TD because otherwise quarterbacks become comically overvalued.

As for what I think about it, this seems like the appropriate place to compare fantasy football to sex, so think of your fantasy league’s settings like your sexual habits. One point per ten yards rushing/receiving, six points per TD, one point per 25 yards per point passing, 4 points per passing TD: that’s your standard lineup of satisfying sexual positions and habits that won’t creep women out. PPR is a finger in the butt: pretty normal, but not for everyone. An extra WR position or IDP and whole-integer versus decimal scoring: those are little peccadilloes that people either enjoy or put up with. Joining a league in which teams start two quarterbacks is akin to having a fetish for armpit-fucking: that’s fine if you like it, but people are going to give you weird looks and lose respect for you.

And six points for passing touchdowns? Well, that’s fucking gay. Ten percent of the population like it, but I’m not about to try it.

Sex second. I have a fantastic girlfriend and everything is copacetic. I have absolutely nothing awesome or crazy to tell you. But I do have a question: is it weird to use lube? I don’t think so.
-Der Kommissar

Is it weird to use lube? If you’re baking a cake or taking ballroom dancing lessons, yes. That’s very weird. If you’re talking about sex or masturbation, it’s perfectly normal.

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Dear KSK,
Fantasy Football: For various reasons I’ll omit for brevity, my fantasy football team name for the past 2 years has been “The Undead Army of Chris Henry”. Any chance I can keep the name? In the words of Michael Bolton, “Why should I change when he’s the one who sucks (or in my case, died)?!”

Are you kidding? That name is even better now that Henry’s dead. You came up with a prophetic fantasy team name; that’s something special. I mean, it’s not as good as Truck Surfin’ with Chris Henry, but that wouldn’t have made much sense two years ago. Keep the name.

Relationship: I’ve been happily married for 5 years and have 2 great kids. Having a full time job, obviously I don’t get a ton of time in my daily life that’s not either work or family. As an upcoming vacation I’m planning a manly 3 week hike on the John Muir Trail. I’ll be leaving my wife and children to fend for themselves, with help from both of our extended families.

That sounds pretty fucking great. I haven’t had three straight weeks off in over five years, and that’s because I was unemployed at the time. And they’re not really weeks “off” when most of your meals consist of either ramen or a slice of pizza. Hell, most employed Americans only get two weeks of vacation a year, so I’m not sure how you managed to swing this unless you’re a teacher.

I don’t see this as overly selfish; I think one of the keys to a happy marriage/relationship is still being able to maintain your sense of adventure and still do crazy shit (much less often). My wife isn’t thrilled but is fairly understanding; the issue I have is with other wives in our social circle.

Whenever this trip comes up in a group conversation, there are a couple girls that freak out. They go on about how irresponsible I am, and how they wouldn’t “let” their husband do something like this, even without kids. Are they just trying to make sure their husbands don’t get uppity and follow my example, or do they have a legitimate point? I know it isn’t great to leave your family for 3 weeks for your own vacation, but it’s not like waiting until I’m 50 and the kids are in College is an option for stuff like this.
-Not Whipped

Technically, waiting until 50 is an option; you just have to stay in shape. I mean, I know the environment is going to shit and all, but the John Muir trail will still be around in 15 years.

Like I said, a three-week hike through the Sierra Nevadas sounds terrific — but I have neither a wife nor children. Of all the people I know with spouses and children, none of them would take a three-week vacation away from the rest of the family. One week, sure. Two weeks… probably not. Three weeks is unprecedented in my knowledge of healthy nuclear families.

Of course, just because it’s unprecedented doesn’t mean it’s wrong or bad for your family. It’s not like you’re spending three weeks in Las Vegas or going to a tropical paradise without your wife; you’re doing something that will give you a sense of accomplishment and make you healthier in both body and mind. If your wife is okay with it, then you’re in the clear — just know that she’s way, WAY more relaxed than most mothers of two young children. You, sir, owe her a series of very nice dinners, flowers, and gratuitous cunnilingus.

As for your friends’ wives, well, they need to shut the fuck up. More specifically, they need to be told to shut the fuck up. By you. Here’s the thing: many women — especially married women — get in the habit of shooting their mouths off about other people’s relationships. They’re enabled by husbands who nod their acquiescence at home, because the husbands don’t want to ruin their shot at getting laid that night. So when some bitch is like, “I would never let my husband do that,” you choose from the following:

  • “Well, that’s why I married my lovely wife, and not you.”
  • “And that’s just ONE of many reasons why my wife is better than you.”
  • “…which is why your husband needs three weeks off even more than I do.”
  • “Bitch, if I wanted your mouth to be a part of my marriage, I’d use it as a cum receptacle after fucking my wife.”

Go with whatever you feel is most appropriate for the moment.

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Dear Guru:

Sex first. I actually don’t have a question, but a suggestion that is worth posting. For 95% of the people who write in with long sob stories, heartbreaking tales, and other relationshippy problems, they could solve their problems by doing the following: write out your email to KSK, wait five minutes, and re-read what you wrote. For that aforementioned 95%, the answer should be really glaringly obvious, as most of these questions tend to have very clear answers- usually break-the-fuck-up-and-ditch-her or tell her your feelings and prep that six-pack for when you get rejected. But I’d say for those readers who have more naked, gun-toting, rabid Asian stories, keep ‘em coming. I want real drama, KSKers.

I disagree completely. A lot of the time, people ask advice to validate what they think is the right answer. Sleeping on a decision or re-reading the layout of one’s conundrum isn’t as fortifying as getting confirmation from a disinterested party. We can’t expect ”real drama” from people any sooner than we can expect women with college degrees to moonlight as strippers and get turned on by guys with self-deprecating senses of humor. We can stamp our feet and be upset about it, but complaining won’t change the reality of the situation.

Oh, and don’t think that I didn’t notice YOU didn’t have an interesting problem to write about, Mr. Kettlepot.

FF next. Despite having spent much time reading this mailbag and all kinds of NFL analysis, this is my first year in a league. Being a Bills fan, there’s no amount of homerism that can persaude me to actually draft players from their roster, with the exception of Fred Jackson. What round is too early to take him? No reliable QB, and what I would expect to be limited production from Lynch and CJ Spiller make me think he’s not a half bad round six, perhaps?
Yours in Ralph Wilson’s Wrinkles,
Barffalo

Assuming you have a 12-team league, and depending on how the draft shakes out — you never know when someone is gonna start the run on tight ends — I’d say you could justifiably defend picking Jackson in the fifth round. But I recommend against choosing fantasy players from your favorite team. Especially when your favorite team is as shitty as the Bills. The anger and disappointment on the bad days far outweighs the delight of the good games.

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To the Advisors of Fantasy Pigskin and Real-life Foreskin,
Fantasy First: I’m in a keeper league with 1/2-point per reception. Should I hang on to Brandon Marshall? It would only cost me a 3rd round pick but I really don’t if Chad Henne is going to be the second coming of Dan Marino or Cleo Lemon.

I haven’t seen the rest of your lineup, but I think that sounds reasonable. Marshall caught truckloads of passes with Jay Cutler and Kyle Orton under center, and those guys aren’t exactly the next Brady and Manning.

Sex: (I’ll keep this is as concise as possible) I dated this girl for 3 years. Sex wasn’t bad but it was kind of boring – no oral, no anal – nothing outside the standard s-e-x. We broke up back in late 2008 and really didn’t stay in touch. Recently, we’ve been around each other due to some mutual friends and we got together at a recent party. We had a few drinks and decided that it would be a good idea to have a little fun for old times sake. As I stated earlier, this girl was not a fan of anything outside the ordinary when we dated. The new and improved ex-girlfriend was down for anything/everything…oral, anal, titty-fucking (this had been a life-long dream that I finally have now realized) you name it. It was great and we kind of left it open for future “fun sessions” with no strings attached but I’m a little freaked out by her sudden change in sexuality. Back when we dated she was not open to anything no matter how hard I tried. As much as I enjoy her newly lowered inhibitions, I can’t help but wonder what (or who) came along and brought about this newfound freak. Should I stop thinking

Yes.

and just enjoy the new her or beat myself up (mentally) for failing to bring this side out of her back when we dated?
- No Longer a Boob-Humping Virgin

Tell me something. Did you have any sexual partners between your 2008 breakup and your recent hook-up? Did you do things with those partners that you didn’t do with her? The answer to both questions is “yes,” correct? Then why would you assume anything different of her?

Besides, a woman’s comfort level with different sex acts and positions can change for any number of reasons. Maybe she got a vibrator. Maybe she has a freaky friend who convinced her to try new things. Maybe therapy helped her past a mental block. Maybe she’s been reading this mailbag. It’s impossible to say — except in your case, because she obviously spent a lot of time fucking someone with a big dick who was WAY better-looking than you are. Man, you sure have a small penis.

(Just enjoy the sex, dummy.)

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CC,
FF- My friends decided this year due to other scheduling (most of us in more than this league) we needed to have our draft ass early. I minimally bitched and got lucky enough to pick up 3 top backs with my first picks. There were really decent wideouts still available so I found myself in the dreaded middle of the pack QB selection. I snagged up Kolb, and felt like I took a huge gamble. After the first pre-season (yeah I know its ONLY preseason) and seeing him vs.Vick perform, what is your take on his ability to put up decent numbers? I was able to catch him in a later round so I don’t feel committed to him as my starter, and wonder the value of trade bait over taking a chance on him and watching him bomb. Your take?

My take is that you shouldn’t be taking running backs with your first three picks. That said, I think Kolb is likely to have a pretty good year. Although if you don’t have a real starting QB, I don’t know who the hell you’re going to trade him for. Why not trade one of your three RBs for a starting QB, then see if Kolb blossoms into a quality starter and becomes trade bait when someone’s quarterback goes down. Someone’s quarterback ALWAYS goes down.

Sex-I am 21 and had been on a little break from dating due to a bad break up with a girl we shall call “slutface bitch”. Have really only had a few sporadic hookups the last year and have met no girls I thought had real dating-relationship potential. Recently out with some co-workers who are all older than me (24-25) and met a girl chatted her up, had a few drinks and things seemed to be going really well. Was digging this girl but she had to leave. I gave her my number and she seemed to think we would “most definitely” see each other again, and even texted me later that night to give me her number. I assumed she was co-workers age since she was a mutual friend of one of them, but in talking to him she is older (32). I have no problem with this as she looks 23 and is hot. I was lucky to graduate, fall into a decent job and think I look older than what I am. So, my question is when or how or do I even have to tell her how young I am, and how likely is this to be a dealbreaker for her? Chicks seem much more sensitive to the age difference thing in my opinion.
Thanks,
Like a Boss

Well, I don’t think she’ll find it attractive if you go out of your way to hide your age, but it’s not exactly the card you want to lead with, either. If you can finagle a date with her, wear some of your more “grown up” clothes and take her someplace relatively upscale. I’m not saying buy her an expensive steak dinner, just go to a nicer bar/lounge that doesn’t, say, serve pitchers or have a beer pong table in the back. You want to present yourself as mature for your age, even before she knows how old you are (assuming, of course, she hasn’t found out already).

Play dumb about knowing how old she is, but ask leading questions like “How long have you worked at X?” or “How long have you lived in the city?” You’ll find that her history is a little bit longer than “I just graduated and started working.”

Eventually, both of your ages will come out. You need to do two things: (1) Express disbelief at her age without making her feel like 32 is old. “You honestly don’t look a day older than 23″ is perfectly sufficient; a remark like “My God! How have you staved off the ravages of time?!?” isn’t the most complimentary tack. And (2), don’t be sheepish about your youth. She might say things like “Oh my God you’re so YOUNG!” or “I feel like a cradle-robber!” You need to deflate that exclamation without being defensive or cocky. Say: “Well, I can’t do anything to make myself older, but until that time comes, I have a good job, my own apartment, and I’m not addicted to video games. I’d say that gives me a leg up on at least a couple guys in their 30s.”

It will help if you’re not addicted to video games.

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Gentlemen,
No sex question this week – strictly fantasy and our league needs your advice!
In the past – we’ve always had a 14 team league will all of our friends from school. Yes, it made for some watered down rosters and yes in the later rounds of the draft we were really reaching for players. But it was fun, provided lots of great opportunities for trash talk and was a good way to connect our group of friends as we scattered all across the country after graduation.

Sadly, the recession has taken its toll on our league and forced one of our players to drop out due to some financial constraints. This leaves us with an odd number of players. We’re pretty sure the ESPN systems won’t let us award a team a Bye Week and we don’t want to do that anyway since each week we play for a side prize. It’s typically 20 bucks to the GM of the player who had the most rushing yards that week or whatever.

How best should we resolve this? My suggestion was to create a team for the vacated player – draft players who were on IR and terrible defenses and simply not start anyone each week. Thus effectively awarding each team 1 victory/season against the “ghost team” It’s been getting a lukewarm response.
-Charlie

What the fuck? Who are these people who bitch about every little detail of a fantasy league? “Wah, I don’t want the opportunity to draft better players and get an automatic victory.” Let the people who are “lukewarm” to the idea get off their asses and find a replacement for the guy that left.

Also, you know what wrinkle I’d add to the ghost team? Don’t keep everyone on the bench. Start an entire, shitty team every week. Anyone who gets beat by the ghost team is subject to ridicule or some cash- or booze-related penalty.

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Caveman -
Re: football: As a Hawks fan, how much do you miss the old AFC west? For me, the rivalries against St. Louis and Arizona completely suck compared to games against the Broncos and Raiders (or sometimes even Chiefs and Chargers). Maybe in another decade I’ll feel differently, but that seems unlikely right now.

I don’t miss the AFC West at all, because the AFC West generally kicked the Seahawks’ ass. It’s like people who complain about the blue-on-blue uniforms with “rave green” piping. The old uniforms may have looked better, but the Seahawks won four straight division titles in the new ones. And much of that is because they play in the NFC West. A shitty division? Absolutely. And I don’t care.

Besides, I hate the Rams plenty.

Re: sex/relationships: I’m going to propose to my girlfriend, but I have trepidations about then asking her to sign a pre-nup. Thanks to some real shit luck and shit for genes, both my parents and sister are deceased and I inherited a decent amount of money.

Are you Dave Eggers? I really loved What Is The What.

I live a very low-frills lifestyle which belies my net worth, though I assume my GF suspects I have something because of my orphan-hood.

Obviously, if we get married I’m going to have to tell her at some point in detail about the money, but I don’t want to tell her after proposing, because that seems crass, and I don’t want to tell her before, because that might influence her decision. I love her and trust her almost completely, but want to protect myself in case ours falls in the 50% of marriages that fail. How do people ask for these things?

I don’t travel in social circles with friends that have problems or dilemmas like this. None of my friends know, either, about my inheritance – and I’m going to keep it that way. Also, I feel really awkward talking about money that I didn’t earn, as you can probably guess from someone who anonymously seeks the advice of an internet columnist. My only experience with someone finding out is a now ex-GF that I was dating when my Dad passed who put 2+2 together and started talking about marriage a week after the funeral.

I’ve dealt with a lot of shit in my 30 years, but I’m ready to move on and build a new life with her. Any thoughts on how to approach this?

Oakland Raiders Perpetually Have Anal Necrophilia

That’s a tough one, ORPHAN (I appreciate the Savage Love-esque signature). I think your desire for a pre-nup is perfectly reasonable, and your level-headed approach is admirable. Unfortunately, I’m a never-married man forever consigned to a middle-class existence, so I don’t have much insight into this situation.

The good news, however, is that the KSK comments section is riddled with people who have made terrible life decisions. I’m certain that one or two of them will have good advice for you. I can offer nothing more than condolences on the loss of your loved ones.

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Hey gents,
I wrote in long ago about being propositioned by a Muslim girl; thanks again for your insight.

So what happened? Did you work-a the burqa?

Fantasy: my league is trying to add some new wrinkles this season, chiefly among them the flex position. I play for fun, so I’m not as well-versed in fantasy strategy as some of my friends in the league. Rather than ask for a full encyclopedia on the flex, my question is: at what point do you draft the player you intend to play at the position?

Don’t think about it in terms of round. Just go about your draft picking the best available talent relative to your need. Ideally, your first five rounds net you a QB, 2 WRs, and 2 RBs, but don’t feel married to that — with a flex position, you can pick up a third RB or WR in the first five rounds without worrying too much about talent spread.

Rather than focus on which round you’ll get your flex player, think about how many rounds can contribute to your pool of flex position talent. I always prefer young, high-upside guy WRs and RBs to picking up a second tight end or reaching for a defense.

Sex: not strictly sex, just socializing. I’m moving to Los Angeles in a month, and I don’t have any friends in the area. I know your staples for meeting new people–cooking classes, etc–and I intend to employ them, but I can’t help but think there’s a particular difficulty in ingratiating oneself into a new community without any platonic friends to fall back on. Any experience or advice in doing so?
Thanks,
Nick

I’ve got some experience there — I think I knew three people in New York City when I moved here, and one of them was an ex-girlfriend. Not exactly the biggest network to work with. I ended up playing poker with mixed company every Friday through my former college roommate. I moved into an apartment with a random MFA student over Craigslist. I met a couple people through random shitty jobs. Everyone introduced me to new people, and all those people became part of my growing network. And that was six years ago — well before everyone on the damn planet was on Facebook.

Since you’re a sports fan, find a bar that caters to your favorite team. I Googled “New York Seahawks bar,” and this is the first entry that came up. Pretty handy. Even better, if you have a favorite college team, search out a bar where fellow alumni gather — you’re more likely to have common experiences to share, or even bump into people you know.