Welcome to another installment of the mailbag. There’s a little bit of spice this week: HPV, smelly vaginas, more leagues with 6-point passing TDs, the merits of Lubbock (spoiler: there are none), Joe Flacco, dicknames, road tail, and much, much more. Read on.

Dear Dispensers of Infinite Wisdom,
I have two troubling ethical questions that only KSK would be qualified to tackle. Feet first: we’ve had a fantasy league going for about 5 years now with a core of about 7 of the same guys, all of us really good friends. Generally every year, we pick up a few stragglers/coworkers/fringe friends/whatever to bump us up to 12. Same guy has been commish the entire time. Over the last couple of seasons, he’s obviously lost his passion for it because he has on multiple occaisions accidentally left people in as starters who are on a bye week, etc. This year, we’ve got 3 week until the regular season and he hasn’t even set up the league or sent out invites. I even reminded him to about a week ago. Hopefully by next week’s mailbag this won’t be an issue but in general, how long shall one wait and how much should one tolerate before relieving one of their commissioner duties?

You’re past due. Fire him and take over.

The dirty: I have HPV.

As does 75% of America.

Found out about two years ago. I had a case of warts (fortunately nothing on my actual business, just in the surrounding region), had them treated and they went away. Honestly didn’t think about it much after that, especially after reading that about half the population gets some form of HPV at some point in their lives and that most commonly, the worst thing that happens is a single outbreak of warts and any signs of the disease are never seen again. However, some rare forms of HPV can be quite serious and cause cervical cancer in women. At the time I found out, the girl I was with at the time got checked out and came back completely fine. She told her OBGYN or vagina doctor or whatever they are about it and her doctor was completely unconcerned and acted as if it was no big deal whatsoever. My question is this: how much should I even give a shit that I have HPV and more importantly: should I be morally obligated to tell girls this before I screw them? And if so, am I fuckhead for it not even crossing my mind to until recently?
-Loaded Weapon

No, you are not a fuckhead. HPV is astoundingly common and highly contagious. With the exception of women who have had the HPV vaccination, sexually active people should go ahead and assume that they have a strain of HPV. And if they don’t, their partner probably does. Besides, you seem to have a strain that doesn’t lead to cervical cancer, so the health risk for women you sleep with is minimal.

Now, this isn’t a green light to NOT tell prospective partners, but I think you’re in morally ambiguous territory. In less than a generation, young women will all have the HPV vaccination, rendering the (relatively minor) threat the viruses carry moot. Until that day comes, I think the more pragmatic solution is for women to have regular gynecological check-ups. I’m sure there will be people — especially women who’ve had cervical cancer or cervical cancer scares — who disagree with my assessment, but I think that’s more sensible than you feeling obligated to say, “Hey, I have HPV, but it’s not one of the strains that cause cervical cancer” before launching into a high school health class when your prospective sexual partner has a knee-jerk reaction to reality.

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Dear KSK,
Fantasy first: I recently drafted, and had the last pick in a 12-team league. With my fourth pick, the first of the fourth round, I took Joe Flacco. My friends ripped me for it. But I figure, I’d rather have his upside than Matt Ryan’s so-soness, Eli Manning’s suckability, or Donovan McNabb and his crew of flunkies. Am I justified in being pissed they’re pissed? I think Flacco’s gonna be fine.

Agreed. Baltimore’s offensive line gives him plenty of time to work, and the addition of Anquan Boldin can only help. Flacco’s also a moderate threat to run the ball, and the occasional 20-yard pick-up or rushing TD gives him the nudge over Ryan in my book (I wouldn’t draft Eli or McNabb with Bea Arthur’s dick).

Sex: I’m in a great relationship with a great girl. But when I do it doggy with her, I notice her a-hole has some…hair… Is that a fair question to bring up? Or should I just let it slide? It’s not that big of a deal, but I’d prefer it be gone.
-Jon Dough

Well, sure. It would also be nice if your girlfriend had bigger tits and a flatter stomach. As with all matters of your woman’s physical appearance, you need to broach the subject carefully. Maybe for her next birthday, buy her a gift card to a nice spa/salon — in New York City, J. Sisters would be a good option — that allows her a choice of services. Then you can delicately ask her to get the full Brazilian. Afterwards, be sure to tell her exactly how sexy you think it is. You know, something a little more considerate than “It really turns me on when you don’t have a hairy asshole.”

Or just don’t look at her asshole when you have sex.

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Dear KSK,
SEX: I graduated college last May and decided to move off to DFW to live in a bigger job pool. The problem is I started a relationship my last semester in college. We have kept it going and see each other pretty much every month. Things seem to be progressing faster with this relationship than my actual job search. The twist is, she just received her MBA and a full time job in the place I move away from. Which is Lubbock, Tx.

RED RAIDERS!

Which I’m not crazy about. But I do have tons of friends there and pretty much zero here.

I’d much rather live in Dallas with no friends than be surrounded by them in Lubbock. I can make new friends; Lubbock’s not going to stop being a West Texas shithole.

Also I have a job offer here that is pretty decent and I run the risk of moving to Lubbock and not being able to find shit for a couple months. I have enough money to afford the move, and the rent for a couple months without going into debt. Hopefully….

Anyways, should I just move on back to the LBK, or stay here and fuck the long distance bullshit. Yes, I’m sure there will be others and I can continue living in an NFL city with a decent job. However, I really do like her, and could see a future with her….especially if she lived the fuck out of Lubbock. But long distance is just brutal.

Stay in Dallas and take the job. If you really love the girl, you two will make the long-distance work. If you’re not crazy in love with her, move on. Besides, given the job market, it would be wiser to hold on to that money you have saved in case you ever get downsized.

Perhaps I’m being unfair to backwater shitholes and the prospect of love, but you’re still very young and new to being an adult out on your own. Focus on your career and etching out your own place in the city. Moving back to Lubbock now is a tacit admission of failure out in the “real” world. Stay outta the womb.

FF: I play in one of those retarded leagues where all touchdowns are worth 6 pts. It’s been going since High School and I know I can’t change anyones mind to change throwing TDs to 4 pts like normal leagues.

As someone pointed out last week, 6 points per throwing TD is actually the default setting for Yahoo leagues, so it’s not unusual. Just gay.

Anyways, should I use a high pick on a QB like Brees or Rodgers, or wait it out and use a 3rd rounder on Schaub and hope he blossoms like many expect him to?
-LeButtocks Texass

I’m not sure which NFL you’ve been watching, but Schaub already blossomed. Depending on your scoring settings last year, Schaub was somewhere between the third- and fifth-best fantasy quarterback (his numbers were similar to Brett Favre and Peyton Manning). His career passer rating is 91.3 — the main thing that’s held him back in the past is his proclivity for getting injured.

As for when to pick a quarterback, it depends on where you are in the draft order. I like Brees and Rodgers in the mid- to late-first round, and there’s a valid argument for picking them earlier in 6-point passing TD leagues. Generally speaking, you want your first-round draft pick to play like a first-round draft pick. If I had, say, the sixth overall pick, I’d feel better drafting Rodgers than I would getting Frank Gore and hoping like hell his knee finally holds up for an entire season.

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First-time writer, long-time wanker,
Pigskin: I have the 10th pick in a 12-teamer. 6 points for all TDs (including passing) so if Rodgers or Calvin Johnson are there, I’m taking one of them. However, I don’t want S-Jax or Mendenhall because I don’t trust them. Besides those four guys, who’s a high-upside pick at the tail end of round 1?

In that kind of league, you’d be good with any elite quarterback: Brees, Rodgers, Brady, Manning. And maybe I’m insane, but I think I’d almost rather reach for Shonn Green or Jamaal Charles than pick up Steven Jackson or Mendenhall.

Foreskin: I was with a long-term girlfriend for a few years and we never used a condom because she was on the pill. Every so often, I would get a small cut on my dick after we screwed. I attributed this to the fact that riding bareback was rougher on Crazy Horse (that’s his dickname – nickname + dick, get it?)

Yes. Thank you for explaining.

Anyway, I’m with a new chick now and she’s not on the pill so I always use a rubber. The thing is, I still get a small laceration on my junk if we go at it for a while or have a really active weekend. When this happens, I usually just take a few days off, let the damn thing heal up and get back in there.

But I’m wondering if other guys get nicked up with this problem. I suppose I could try lube, but there’s already lube on the outside of the condom. Lube on the inside of the condom (where my actual dick is) might not work because the condom could slip off.
Thanks,
Thin Dick Skin

I’ve got more questions than answers with this one. Is it a cut like something sharp cut it? Or is more of an abrasion from friction? Where on your junk are you getting this cut?

We all have little things that make our respective penises and/or vaginas unique (that qualifier is for the hermaphrodites out there). In your case, I wouldn’t rule out putting lube on the inside of the condom: a little drop in the tip before you put it on will lessen the rubber-skin friction that may contribute to your injury. As long as you have enough girth for the ring to fit snugly at the base of your shaft, you won’t have a problem with the condom sliding off.

Man, that one got intimate quick.

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Dear Captain Caveman,
Sex first, I have been dating this girl for six months, and there is a slight problem. I don’t want to sound like I’m bragging (because I’m not), but she gets so turned on by me, that her vagina is ridiculously wet by the time we do anything sexual. And most of the time, I’m not even trying. For example, the other day, we were just sitting on the couch after dinner, watching TV, when all of a sudden, I realized that nasty smell I was smelling was not my last fart, but rather her vagina… from the other side of the couch… while she was fully clothed. In addition to being very wet, her vagina is very smelly, and not in a good way. Is this a hygiene problem? How do I bring this up with her? Also, WHEN do I bring this up with her? Thanks for your help.

First of all, a woman getting wet for you isn’t a bad thing. Be glad that she finds you desirable.

But you raise an important issue: smelly pussies. The popular answer in sex columns is “Be sure she checks with her gynecologist, as the smell may indicate a yeast infection.” Well, yes. That’s important to do, but that ignores the larger problem: SOME WOMEN JUST GOT STANK-ASS PUSSIES. I dated a girl with this problem once, and it had nothing to do with her cleanliness: we could have sex in the shower while covered in soap, and the smell could still make me ill. Her pussy just reeked like hot Chinatown garbage, and I don’t think there’s a damn thing she could do about it.

Of course, I never told her about the problem. How do you tell a woman you’d rather go down on the floor of Long John Silver’s kitchen? If there’s a solution — and people, Summer’s Eve doesn’t cure this kind of stink — I don’t know what it is. Good luck. May the Force be with you.

Fantasy Football second, I have a draft coming up this weekend, and I plan on having the fifth pick (since it seems like I always have the first pick AFTER the top players have been taken), so I think I’m going to go with a quarterback. Between Brees, Rodgers, and Manning, in a league that subtracts a point per incomplete pass, who do you think is going to have the best year?
Signed,
Greg

Rodgers. Even if he doesn’t have the best year of those three, you’ll at least avoid the teasing of league-mates and the inevitable season-long jeers from the guy who picked up Rodgers behind you.

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CC,
Fantasy football first….I’ve been commish of my league for about 6 years now. Enough time to get everything right except one thing – the draft. I have a 10 team league and would love nothing more than to get everyone together for an offline draft, however due to the fact that we’re scattered all over the place that’s pretty much impossible. So the next best thing is a live online draft. Well, I’ve been using yahoo for fantasy football since the inception of the league and I love it and all the players are used to it so we stick with it but the live draft by yahoo is utterly shitty.

I disagree. I’ve done three online drafts with Yahoo over the last two years, and I’ve never had a problem. And I don’t recall anyone else in those leagues having a problem, either — maybe someone got disconnected for a minute or two, but nothing so horrendous that people missed draft picks. Oh, and some dipshit didn’t have Java installed on his computer, but other than that it was fine.

Last year it took some guys 30 min just to get in and some didn’t get in at all. The obviously pissed some people off and some even demanded a re-draft. I said tough cookies, you shoulda been more prepared but I digress. That having been said, is there a good 3rd party online tool we could use and then i just import into yahoo? Thanks.

If the clods in your league don’t have the technical expertise to use Yahoo’s perfectly satisfactory live-draft software, then you can use a shared Google Doc and do it over email like all the other Meanderthals.

Now onto sex (sorta), I’m from Indianapolis (no I am not a Colts fan….I fucking despise that bastardization of a team. I hope fetus-head breaks his femur this year. Sorry, got off track) I’m originally from just outside of Chicago and so about once or twice a summer I make a weekend trip there. So me and a buddy venture up there for the weekend. We take in a Cubs game (they won!) and then hit up the Wrigleyville bar scene. Long story short we chat up 3 stunning ladies who happen to be from New Orleans. Attached is pic of me, buddy, and 3 girls The girl i’m interested in is on far right. (Please don’t repost pic)

This has been a growing habit. People will send pictures with their emails, then ask that I don’t publish the pictures.

You people have heard of Photoshop, right? I can edit photos to protect people’s identities.

I think I’d still go for that blonde even if her real face was blurry pixels.

We dance and make out some, and enjoy each others company till about 2am. Her friends are ready to leave and are trying to get her to go while we’re sitting and talking. So before she leaves she says hey what’s your number puts in her phone and says I’m gonna call you so you have mine! Then she leaves. Now it should be known she did this fully knowing she was leaving early the next morning to head back home. Since that night we’ve texted back and forth some and were both kinda like “hey you should visit my city…yada yada” My two-part question is….A) On a scale of 1-10 how batshit insane is it for me to actually go to New Orleans to see her?

Zero. Negative ten. It couldn’t be less insane. First, New Orleans is one of the best cities in America to visit; it’s like Las Vegas but with culture and history and its own cuisine. More importantly, the single best possible reason to travel to a new city is to spend an entire weekend fucking someone silly. It’s a fact.

and B) if I do….how do I seriously bring it up without sounding like a crazy person. Many Thanks again
Sincerely,
A Sucker for Brunettes from the South

“Hey, are you serious about getting together again? Because I could use a tour guide for New Orleans.”

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O Captain my Captain,
Sex first for the last time until February: Got together with a woman five years my elder during the spring, started casual but after a few months, I got attached. Told her my feelings, she’s not interested in a relationship, so that’s me on my ass. She started seeing something of an old crush who’d recently moved back and I ran into them in a wedding. Two things: She turns 30 in a month, yet appears nowhere close to wanting to settle down–what the hell? Secondly, this other guy is at least five years HER elder (and looks like it too). How can she swing a ten year difference just like that? I mean, on superficial grounds alone, wouldn’t she rather hook up with the fit, athletic kid with hair rather than the bald guy in his mid-30s? Basically, I’m still smitten (those older women know plenty of tricks) but am doubly stung by the fact that I can’t shake my age–why is a woman who appears to buck all the usual trends still following the age-old “Find an older guy to take care of me” when she neither wants to be taken care of nor needs it (independently wealthy)? That’s ageism, dammit!

Get over it already, Nancy. Go pick up a 20-year-old and see just how great the ten-year difference can be.

Football: Keeper league draft coming up, and I’m a little nervous because it’s my first time (insert v-card joke here). Please pick two from the following: Ryan Grant, DeAngelo Williams, Reggie Bush, Matt Ryan, Kevin Smith and Jermichael Finley–I’m thinking Grant and Ryan. No way a good tight end is worth a keeper pick, right?
Many thanks,
-The Graduate

Right. Your choices suck, so I’m not going to bother disagreeing. But do you know in advance who’s keeping which QBs? Because I wouldn’t want to go through a fantasy season with Matt Ryan if I could help it.

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Dear Sir/Madam:
First, the football question. I’m in a number of leagues this year, none of which have yet drafted, and I’m still stumped on names. Each league is through Yahoo, who runs a tight ship in terms of scoring and management but really kinda fucks you with team names, and therein lies the rub. I really, really, desperately want to reference a certain rapey QB,

ALLEGEDLY rapey. He was never charged.*

*Interjection sponsored by Christmas Ape

but I’m stuck on finding a way to do so while still respecting their arbitrary name policy. Any team name suggestions that would come in at under 20 characters?

Yes.

Next, the sex, or rather, porn question. For the end of high school and the beginning of college, I was involved with a girl that I’m still friends with to this day. Despite moving to different parts of the country for school and career opportunities, we still keep in touch on a purely platonic level. Recently, while porning on a website I porn for pornographic porn, I came across a picture set that I’m 90 percent certain is her, alone, with a dildo. The pictures, while quite graphic, are of too low a resolution to contain details that I could use to positively identify her (moles, scars, etc.) I’ve asked a couple friends, neither of whom know her, to compare said photos to her facebook photos and they agree; it’s likely that it’s her, but there’s not enough detail to come to absolute certainty.

The friend/ex/possible porn-person has entered a competitive career track at a pretty prestigious company and will probably be in a position where these pictures, if they are of her, could be used against her fairly soon. She’s also quite attractive and, though of low quality, it’s reasonable to conclude that this quite graphic photo set will be spank-material for future coworkers. My dilemma is this; should I reach out to her to ask if these photos are of her? and what can be done if they are?
Porn hurts careers,
Porny

Why not email some of your friends from high school who DO know her? Maybe they can give you a definitive answer.

Otherwise, I’d suggest steering clear of it. There’s a big world of porn out there, and a whole lot of people can moonlight in dirty pictures without anyone in their professional sphere finding out. Besides, if YOU’VE slept with her and can’t tell if it’s her, how could anyone at her workplace say that it’s her? Nope, just go back to whacking off.