Scenes From A Summer At Camp Ryan
08.11.10
Mark Sanchez: Hey, Shonn. We’re gonna be on TV tonight.
Shonn Greene: Yup.
Sanchez: That’s gonna be cool.
Greene: Yup.
Sanchez: You think it’ll hurt us? Lotta people watching. Lotta people hoping we fail. You think we’ll be able to handle all that craziness?
Greene: Yup.
Sanchez: How come?
(ground rumbles)
Greene: That’s how come, Greaseball.
(door flies open)
Ryan: HOW THE FUCK YOU DOIN’, BOYS?
Sanchez: Hey, Coach.
Ryan: Oh, men. MEN. Oh, fuck a duck! Men, I took a shit this morning that should have been filmed by Steve Sabol. I’m telling you men, it looked like a cock! It had a head, a rim, a shaft… EVERYTHING. Looked just like the MagLite ol’ Holmes has tucked inside his Under Armour. ISN’T THAT RIGHT, DICKABOD CRANE?!
Santonio: Yes, sir.
Ryan: You ever shit a dick, Dickabod?
Santonio: No, sir.
Ryan: Well, you’re missing a bet. Because I ejected that shitdildo out with all the force of a fucking RAGING BULL!
(releases six-minute fart)
Now, first order of business: TELEVISION. Dickabod, we’re gonna be on the HBOtime tonight! And if I know anything about these premium cable fuckers, it’s that they like FUCKING! I need you and your fishing pole ready for Strong Sexual Situations tonight. I’ve already requested Kaylani Lei show up at camp to give you the business. I love Asian pornstars. I don’t know whether to fuck ‘em or napalm ‘em!
Santonio: Yes, sir.
Ryan: You fuck that girl HARD! And then bite her! And then swear! That’s a whole HBOtime thing! Second order of business: NICKNAMES! Rauncho Pauncho, I’ve been thinking about your new nickname all offseason long.
Sanchez: You have?
Ryan: You need a great nickname. One that tells people you’re ready to lead this team to the promised land. And that’s why I’m calling you PAPA FRITA. Because you’re like a dad, but also like a French fry! Everyone loves French fries, even dirty Mexicans like you, Nacho!
(double fists two double burritos)
Sanchez: Okay, sir.
Ryan: No. No, wait! Scratch that. Your new nickname is POONIO IGLESIAS. Don’t fight it!
Sanchez: I won’t.
Ryan: Third order of business: REVIS. Now, I know we all want Revis in camp, and he wants more money. That’s outta my hands. But Operation Save Revis is still in effect! So you keep sending him pictures from this camp to let him know what’s he’s been missing! The Gatorade coolers filled with flank steak! The hooker whirlpool we set up in the training room! The nude water skiing!
(gets boner)
Sanchez: What about the tire cat drill?
Ryan: Oh, yeah. Definitely send him that. He’ll be back in the fold in no time. NO ONE’S GONNA MISS OUT ON THE CHANCE TO STOMP SOME RAGGEDY PUSSY.
Shonn Greene: Hell no they ain’t.
Ryan: Fourth order of business: COLOR WARS. Now, we already stomped the shit out of those fuckers from Camp Pinewood in their color wars last week.
Little shits. That Michael J. Fox can’t play Capture the Flag for SHIT now that he’s epileptic! But I’m not satisfied, men. I want these other camps out there to know that Camp Ryan is NOT TO BE FUCKED WITH. That means we’re winning our Color War next week against those fucking PRICKS from Camp Coughlin. You hear me? I’m not letting those little Coughlin cunts beat us. Not in archery. Not in canoeing. Not in cat-stomping. NOTHING!
(wipes salsa off mouth, wipes on Sanchez’ practice jersey)
Sanchez: What do you suggest?
Ryan: I’m glad you asked, Poonio. Let it be known that the men of Camp Ryan are never above resorting to cheap, dirty, cruel tactics. Now, we don’t go against those fuckers from Camp Coughlin until Monday Night. So that gives us plenty of time to get to work! Poonio? Dickabod?
Santonio: Sir?
Ryan: I want you to take one of the canoes from the dock and paddle across the lake to Camp Coughlin TONIGHT. Remember, dip your paddle straight down! That gives you maximum pull, and helps reduce noisy splashes.
Santonio: Why are we going over there?
Ryan: Let’s just say I have something I’d like to deliver to them.
(fast forward to Camp Coughlin, the next morning)
Coughlin: WHAT THE FUCK IS UNDER MY PILLOW? WHO’S THE FUCKWAGON WHO’S BEEN FUCKING WITH MY BED?
(peels back sheets)
RYAN.
(back to present)
Ryan: Fifth order of business: PUSSY. It’s been a week now, gentlemen, and I still have not heard any word on whether or not you bagged those lasses over at Camp Menominee.
Sanchez: Well…
Ryan: Well, what?
Sanchez: Well, last night Greene and I were able to sneak over there with a fifth of vodka and…
Ryan: Oh! Oh! Oh, little Poonio went off and got himself a couple of summer meatballs! THAT’S GREAT FUCKING HUSTLE! THAT’S RICKY WADE HUSTLE!
(slaps Sanchez on ass, HARD)
Sanchez: Ouch!
Ryan: That’s great leadership, Poonio. What did they look like? Did they have great asses? DID YOU GET LOW ON ‘EM? I’m telling you, these girl campers have asses made of HELIUM! I could ride that ass to Canada!
(hands out copies of Velvet to everyone)
Sanchez: They were very nice, sir.
Ryan: Good. THEN FUCKING BRING IT IN.
(everyone brings it in)
Ryan: Men, this has been a magical summer. We’ve done some hittin’, banged a few preteens, and scalped a bunch of drunken Indians. We’ve made some memories. We all remember Candy Bar Night. And none of us will forget when Ferguson took out his guitar and sang “Country Road” around the fire that one night. THAT WAS FUCKING GREAT STRUMMING. Even BLT over there had a good time. Didn’t you, you little shit?
LaDainian: I guess.
Ryan: See? Even that sulky faggot enjoyed himself! But summer’s ending soon, and we’re gonna have to get down to business. Men, the time for fun and play is just about over. Tonight, those cameras are gonna roll, and you’re gonna be expected to be the fucking team I know you can be. You understand?
Everyone: Yes, sir!
Ryan: Lotta people said I ran my mouth off this offseason. Said I went too far saying you men were going to win a Super Bowl. But I’m not afraid of expectations. A man who’s afraid of expectations doesn’t expect anything of himself. I expect great things from you men. You know why? Because you are fucking WINNERS. You are the fucking scourge of humanity, sweeping over the land and laying waste to all in your path. I didn’t hype you up this offseason. If anything, I didn’t say fucking ENOUGH. We’re gonna win the Super Bowl. We’re gonna go 16-0. We’re gonna beat every fucking team out there 45-0. THEN WE’RE GONNA TAKE THEIR MONEY AND FUCK THEIR WIVES. DO YOU BELIEVE ME WHEN I TELL YOU THAT?
Everyone: Yes, sir!
Ryan: We’re gonna fucking ATTACK. We’re gonna punch and kick and scratch and bite until those fuckers on the other side of the lake are nothing but a pile of fucking meat. Then we’re gonna go over to Camp Menominee and TAKE SOME FUCKING V-CARDS. ARE YOU DOWN WITH ME ON THIS?
Everyone: Yes, sir!
Ryan: FUCKING HANDS IN!
(all hands in)
Ryan: FUCKING KILL ON THREE! ONE TWO THREE!!
Everyone: KILL!
Ryan: That was great. I think I gotta go shit another horse cock.
(burps)
Sanchez: Revis will be so pissed he missed this.
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God I have been waiting so long for this.
THEN WE’RE GONNA TAKE THEIR MONEY AND FUCK THEIR WIVES.
That’s exactly how I’m approaching every day at work from now on.
/brings it in
Now the NFL can begin. Cat stomping. I really want to try that.
Great hustle, Drew. The best one yet.
BLT=Sulky faggot= coffe our my nose….ha haa haaa!
Thank you.
Sitdildo will become a regular part of my vocabulary
This was the best bringing it in that ever happened.
I’m looking forward to watching this on my 50″ TV tonight. It’s like watching Rex Ryan at 40% size.
Reads like these should be given out on the Suicide Hotline. If you don’t feel good about yourself afterwards, then by all means pull the damn trigger!
Isn’t that Nancy MeKeon and not Joan Bateman?
/shows self out
Revis is nuts. Cat stomping is all the motivation I’d ever need.
I love that this has become the outlet for all of Drew’s racist and homophobic slurs.
Camp Coughlin..I thought that was prison.
Finding a severed arm in Cortland, NY shouldn’t be too hard, Cortland is famous for severed arms and meth labs and Ronnie James Dio.
@ Boogie Woogie
Well Double J can only be so racist and homophobic. Drew needs more.
Does Ryan’s weight loss make him less awesome this year, or did it merely concentrate his awesomeness into a denser space?
Wait until Coach Ryan gets aload of Tomlinson bitching out in January (as usual).
I fully credit KSK with the Jets’ previous season success, due soley to these posts.
Also, I’m very surprised Rex didn’t dutch oven someone with that six minute fart. Just seems like his style.
“See? Even that sulky faggot enjoyed himself!”
God that’s good. As an aside, the real Rex offered to cancel practice and have the whole team meet with Revis tomorrow to try and break this contract stalemate. Having a coach with balls that big is awesome.
i want to say that strictly because of these rex ryan postings on this blog, i have become a rex ryan fan. nothing gets me more fired up than reading a rex pep-talk on here.
/goes to the gym
i missed you Rex!
At Camp Ryan, each camper goes out and tracks, kills, and skins his own bear. I hope they start with Urlacher.
Shonn Greene’s transition to the new Thomas Jones has been seamless.
/yup
Freaking hilarious.
The only thing tha could improve it is a visit to Jets camp by Jimmy Caan.
+10000 for Kaylani Lei reference.
By far the best Rex Ryan I’ve seen yet. Personal favorite was Poonio Iglesias
I don’t know whether to fuck ‘em or napalm ‘em!
Oh that’s bullshit. You do both…but make sure it’s in the order that Rex describes.
“Remember, dip your paddle straight down! That gives you maximum pull, and helps reduce noisy splashes.”
Drew really wanted to show off his canoe knowledge.
I wouldn’t worry too much about BLT getting sulky in January. I’m thinking Sexy Rexy will call the team in and sacrifice one RB to appease the pussy gods.
………………..My ribs hurt………….badly.
@ Widespread
That knowledge applies to more than just canoing…know what I mean? eh?
Looked just like the MagLite ol’ Holmes has tucked inside his Under Armour.
I’m popping my KSK posting cherry because of a black cock joke.
You had me at MagLite, Drew.
“We’re gonna win the Super Bowl. We’re gonna go 16-0. We’re gonna beat every fucking team out there 45-0. THEN WE’RE GONNA TAKE THEIR MONEY AND FUCK THEIR WIVES. DO YOU BELIEVE ME WHEN I TELL YOU THAT?”
/Let’s out a Howard Dean “BYYYAAAAAWWWWWW”
Oh KSK, this is the best birthday present EVER.
Great one Drew, you fuckin rule man!!
Kaylani Lei….I am gonna be working the google machine on the internets a lot tonight!
Now that’s the way to use cat pictures.
Rex sounds very close to breaking a table.
@ TPT
Ya, LT sure was a big old pussy when he played running back for 7 years in the NFL and never missed a game. We all know that’s one of the easiest positions in all of sports, right? That cracked rib he played through during the last 6 games of 05 was really a glorified hangnail. Can you imagine the nerve of a guy who plays running back for a living getting so hurt that he couldn’t do it? Never happens, ever!
KInda reminds me of when Tom Brady got hit in the knee and sat out the whole season, totally quitting on his team. Pussy.
PS: Fuck you.
Mim-sy!
This column leads the league in hustle. Truly ESPY-worthy.
Question: at what point did BLT cease to be called LaToeinjury UncleTomlinson? I miss that.
I think Khoach Ryan could motivate the women of The View enough that they’d grow dicks and get into pussytubing.
When I want to crack my husband up, all I have to do is look at him and say, “HOW THE FUCK YOU DOIN’, BOYS!” Awesome stuff, BDD.
I like the part where Tom Coughlin is a humorless asshole.
As always, Coach is right on: the artist formerly known as LT is now a sulky f*ggot. Spare me the 2005 reference.
P.S. Was that Farve’s arm? Darn.
BLT… THE SULKY FAGGOT
makes my silver and black heart grow three sizes to hear that.
well, done sir.
you ever shit a dick, dickabod?
/laughing for 20 minutes
// can’t wait to call next black guy that
i read this site everyday. i never comment. i think that the rex ryan speeches might be my favorite thing put on the internet, nay, written by anyone right now. do they not make you want to run out of your shitty house, away from your shitty life and just kick fucking ass. these things make my week.
+1 for ” ISN’T THAT RIGHT, DICKABOD CRANE?”
+ 5 for “tire cat drilling.”
+ 10 for “We’ve done some hittin’, banged a few preteens, and scalped a bunch of drunken Indians.”
+ 1000 for making my day with these posts, which should become a part of the weekly offerings.
Bravo, sir. If I had a hat, I would tip it for a job well done.
You know, if you just sit and read all the Rex posts from last year to now you get a full 2009 season spectacular, Christmas special, various off-season antics and now the summer camp edition. Drew has effectively created the best NY Jets fan-fiction book ever!?!
Though I may not be a fan of the word, KSK Rex Ryan has me forever hooked into calling LaDanian a sulky faggot.
Fucking great! Makes me want to strip off my sweaty clothes and jump into Lake Chikipoopoo.
Also, the character Monica Shavetts from MB4 sould be on Guess Her Muff. Wheeeeeeeeee!
I wonder if rex ryan will ever talk about jimmy johnson needing performance enhancers in order to pussy tube. perhaps we can get some brian cushing using his im too much man for the nfl defense.
Now I KNOW it’s officially football season. Let the pussytubing begin!
I just love how a guy who has actually been the most durable and productive RB of the last decade (check the games missed due to injury and find me a starter who missed less. You won’t find one with better stats), a guy whose in the top 10 in rushing yards and # 2 in rush TDs in NFL history, a guy who did all this on some very shitty teams, can get called out by a bunch of idiots whose biggest injury concern is chafing from jerking off too much. God bless the internet!
I just love how the internet can breed humorless fucktwits who feel the need to take VERY SERIOUS objection to one line of a hilarious satirical post. Blow it out your ass Colonel Sandy Vagina.
I just love.
I simultaneously imagined Coughlin’s response in two ways
1) Narrowed eyes, emphatic whisper like he was cursing ryan to hell
2) Yelling like the dean in animal house “RYAAAAAAAAAAN!”
Genius Drew. Just fucking genius.
/wishes Sexy Rexy was my dad
//dick joke
///three slashes
Best line:
I love Asian pornstars. I don’t know whether to fuck ‘em or napalm ‘em!
Also liked transition from Shercock to Dickabod
KSK Rex is going to get me arrested someday. I’m going to slip up and use some of this stuff with the football team I coach. Unfortunately, that team is 9-10 year olds. When is the right time to start pussytubing?
Harf, my dad first took me pussytubing when I was 13.
That was the day I became a man.
It was like White Water Summer, but with pussies instead of Kevin Bacon.
Bra fucking vo…..that was wowsome
Wow. After reading this, I can comfortably watch Rexy and the Jets on HBO On Demand tonight. That was outfuckingstanding men, MEN!
And for the two SD/FDT fans who are humorless piles of smegma. FUCK. OFF.
He’ll be even sulkier once Joe McKnight sends his ass to the LaGlue Factory.
Aces, Drew. Absofuckinglutely aces.
Huh, I think LaToeInjury must have found this site out, as only he would feel the need to post comments defending his record on an NFL humor site. He was probably sulking as he was typing in those comments as well given their lack of originality or humor.
Drew, you have single-handedly changed my opinion of Rex Ryan. Where I used to hate him for being an obnoxious, arrogant loudmouthed son of a whore, I now love him for exactly the same traits! You are like Miracle Max, only real and shit!
Oh, and I now wish Rex was my life coach.
God damn. You see the damn show, then you read this entire thing in his voice, and it FUCKING WORKS. Outstanding.
Perfect…now I know why the funbag has sucked balls the last 3 weeks.
After we lead the league in fucking wins we’re going to win the fucking Super Bowl then go to the AVN, run train on Kaylani Lei, and fuck every bitch that sucks horse cocks like the one I just shit out.
/Rex Ryan for President
damn..if I lived in California…I’d marry KSK Rex Ryan…and I’m a HUGE fan of the Kaylani Lei. Well done BDD.
” You are the fucking scourge of humanity, sweeping over the land and laying waste to all in your path.”
Hell yes!!
Rexy just loves him some skinny stompin’
“I’m telling you, these girl campers have asses made of HELIUM!”
I’m sofaking intrigued by what this means…
“Hard Knocks” owes this site for the blatant plagiarism
I love Asian pornstars. I don’t know whether to fuck ‘em or napalm ‘em!
Fuckin classic!
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