It’s that time of year when we make bad predictions about the upcoming season and bad jokes, all in the same post. Next up: the Fat Humps’ fiefdom, the AFC South. Rex Ryan would be interested to know that this division’s champ has led the league in regular season wins each of the last two seasons.
Key Additions: Neil Rackers, WHERE ELSE IS THERE?
Key Departures: The Sex Cannon, Chris Brown, Kris Brown, three more alternate spellings of that name, Ryan Moats
Five Fast Facts About The Texans:
– Just before he retired, former Bills defensive end Aaron Schobel said if he were to play this season, it would be for the Texans or nobody. Got to go with the name recognition, of course.
– “Snake Dick” Owen Daniels was late to realize that the Texans are more of a wyvern than a chimera.
– Hidden clause in Andre Johnson’s new contract: Hell if I know. It’s hidden.
– Brian Cushing blamed his positive steroid test on overtraining. Aww, that’s no fun. If you’re gonna go total bullshit on us, at least spice it up with some Jeremy London gun-toting-black-people-made-me-do-it details.
– Antwaun Molden sounds like a name a video game company that didn’t have the NFLPA license would use for Anquan Boldin.
Vegas Over/Under For 2010: 8 wins.
You can almost base that designation solely on the games that Kris Brown won’t cost them this season. Then again, a lot of their success could hinge on the running game, which is forced to rely again on gimpy fumbleholic Steve Slaton, now that second-round pick Ben Tate is done for the season. Meanwhile Matt Schaub lost his coordinator and is a constant injury risk. Man, I’m really talking myself out of this, aren’t I?
RECONSIDERED VERDICT: PUSH
Key Additions: Hmm. Well, they appear to have drafted a few players. However, none of them will be able to provide immediately help on their terrible* O-line.
* – Peyton’s phrasing
Key Departures: Raheem Brock, someone loosely connected to Kendra Wilkinson, Jim Sorgi
Five Fast Facts About The Colts:
– Reggie Wayne wants a contract extension, but negotiations stalled when the team demanded he publicly declare the Tracy Porter pick-six was entirely his fault.
– Eric Foster was a decorated member of the Accused Sexual Assailant Class of 2010. It dealt quite a blow to holier-than-thou fanbases everywhere that the Steelers, Colts and Packers were the three teams represented this offseason.
– Defensive lineman John Gill was earlier this month found by police passed out drunk and shoeless in a ditch. It’s a sad turn for Gill, who is usually so able to feel…touch…and stroke you the right way.
– Pierre Garcon’s season will be cut short when he decides in October to run against Wyclef Jean for the Haitan presidency. Both will be disappointed when they fail to carry the zombie vote.
– Marlon Favorite needs to stop basing his identity on how one type of fish feels about him.
Vegas Over/Under For 2010: 11 wins.
We’ll just go ahead and pencil them in for their 12+ wins followed by an agonizing yet completely predictable postseason defeat every year until Peyton retires. Moving along…
Key Additions: Aaron Kampman, Kirk Morrison
Key Departures: Mangled fingered recent retiree Torry Holt, Tra Thomas, John Henderson, Reggie Hayward
Five Fast Facts About The Jaguars:
– Ko Quaye Cowboys is a fine documentary if you ever have the chance to see it.
– The new name for the Jaguars’ stadium is EverBank Field. It may sound like a low-rent sponsor, but they had to scurry when plans were scrapped for TebowTebowTebowTebow Stadium At Tebow Crossing.
– Mike Sims-Walker and the Titans’ Chris Johnson have a signature celebration in Madden 11: “The Chopper City Juke.” As with most unexplainably retarded things in this country, we have the city of Orlando to blame for it.
– Analysts claimed that the Jaguars reached in the 1st round for Tyson Alualu. In response, the Jaguars exclaimed that someone was paying attention to them.
– In the team’s first preseason game, Luke McCown completed a 73-yard touchdown to Troy Williamson. That represents more yards than Williamson has accrued in two seasons in Jacksonville. This meaningless factoid just pushed any other thing you knew about the Jaguars out of your head.
Vegas Over/Under For 2010: 7 wins.
Might seem cruel for a team that came into the final four weeks of last season with a 7-5 record. Then again, at that point the Jags hadn’t beaten any team of significance besides the Jets when Mark Sanchez was still in full-on “let’s give away every single game with backbreaking interceptions” mode. And I don’t really see how the team has taken any steps forward since then. But hey, so long as they maintain MJD as a force in the fantasy game, you’re all right with us, future relocated franchise.
So maybe perfect teeth wouldn’t be that much of an improvement.
Key Additions: Chris Simms (solely for the weed connect), Will Witherspoon, Raheem Brock
Key Departures: LenDale White, Keith Bulluck, Kyle Vanden Bosch, Alge Crumpler
Five Fast Facts About The Titans:
– Vince Young this offseason progressed from shirtless clubbing to punching people in the club. Next up: inciting ritualistic mass suicide in a club. Yes, I think it’s the year he finally makes the leap.
– LaGarrette Blount and Myron Rolle are currently on the roster. Because you want to punch smarter, not harder.
– is there any offensive starter in the league that actually somewhat frequently touches the ball who is more readily on a fantasy waiver wire than Bo Scaife? I say no.
– It’s a shame they got rid of Nick Harper. With David Thornton and Raheem Brock now on the roster, they could almost have had an older, even crappier version of the ’05 Colts defense.
– Sen’Derrick Marks’ first name was likely the result of a misheard request for his brother to fetch something from the store.
Vegas Over/Under For 2010: 8.5 wins.
They did well enough in the second half of the last season to make me think they’ll improve slightly. However, their defense, already struggling in 2009, lost a few more key components in the offseason. It also doesn’t help that they and Houston are tied for the highest strength of schedule this year (yeah, yeah, that’s based on last season and last season means nothing, but still). If I had to guess, Cop Speed will have a another stellar season, but it’ll be difficult to duplicate what he pulled off last year. But of course, that prediction could swing entirely in other direction if he happens to fall into my lap in a few fantasy drafts.
I want more like this!
Follow Kissing Suzy Kolber on Facebook and get the latest NFL news and humor before everyone else.