Oh my Lord. Oh my goodness. I’m being conducted into the Hall of Fame this weekend! In Canteen, Ohio! I can’t believe it. WHAT AN HOUR. It is an hour and an absolute pilgrimage to join the Hall of Fame. When I think about all the great NFL players that have been immobilized in that Hall, I get shitters down my spine! I really do. I GET GOOSECUNTS!

After all, I’m joining some fairly extremed company in the Hall. Larry Sanders! Jim Black! Manning Payton! You talk about someone who could masturbate the ball down the feel! When I look at the Hall of Fame, I don’t just see football players. I see legends. I see trainblazers! I see pie engineers! You talk about an illustrated group of men! These men were the building cocks of our entire sport. I’m bumbled. I really am. For the first time in many, many years, I find myself truly bumbled. I’M AT A LOSS FOR NERDS!

I feel like everything in my life has been leading up to this moment. This is the ibex of my career! I wonder what I’m gonna say up on that palladium. I have no idea what I’m gonna say. Can you believe that?! Emmitt Smiff: TONGUE TIRED! Bet you’d never see the day, right?

I guess I’ll just be sure to give all praise to God. God and my momma. When I was a little boy growing up in Pepsicola, Florida, my momma always said, “Emmitt, if you put your nuts to the grindhouse, you can accompany ANYTHING.” Words to live by. And I have, momma. I put my nuts to that grindhouse every day. I never sport-changed myself. I never rested on my morals. I TOOK HER WORDS TO FART!

And now, here I am. Emmitt Smiff: Pro Football Hall of Famer. What a moment. I’m gonna shaver this moment. I’m gonna shaver every last SECOND. The roar of the crowd. The warm summer atlasphere. Donging that yellow blazer. You can bet I’ll shaver donging that blazer! I will dong it with PRIDE. And then I will say to America, “Thank you, America. Thank you for supporting Emmitt Smiff on this long and winding jerky.” That’s what I’ll say.

(cries)