It seems that my comments about the certain language used by New York Jets head coach Rex Ryan have generated a little bit of controversy. First of all, let me explain that as an NFL analyst, I automatically know more than all of the 32 current head coaches that haven’t been fired from their jobs, like I was. I gotta tell you, it’s much easier to be an offensive guru when you can criticize other people’s schemes without executing one of your own. But that aside, I feel compelled to clarify some of those remarks about “certain language,” and I’m happy to do so in this space.

First of all, the word “fuck” is only to be used when fornicating with a lady of ill repute. As in “I fucked that whore so hard that she thought my cock was an overdraft fee.” It’s not a word to be simply infused into normal speaking. Did Shakespeare ever say, “What light through yonder fucking window breaks?” I think not.

Secondly, “fuck” cannot be used as an abstract noun. One cannot “beat the fuck” out of someone. How much fuck could be in someone to begin with? Exactly. Although “fuck” can be a concrete noun when, as we mentioned before, concerns the act of blasting a really skanky bitch with the Captain’s special sauce. The Captain is my special name for my penis. It’s short for Captain Bingus T. Pussymasher. Phallus naming, for those wondering, is totally kosher.

Finally, we come to the act of, as Coach Ryan stated, “giving a shit.” This is a vulgar metaphor, insinuating the a transaction of feces for poorly-conceived ideology. This sort of poo-based economy does not exist! And to give credence to such a venture is total folly! Do we want to encourage the notion of debits and credits of ass product in the context of football? Heavens, no.

Rex Ryan is a fine football coach, but as long as I sit in the press box and not coaching an NFL team, I’ll always be allowed to judge him by whatever arbitrary standards I so choose. Until some other team decides that I might be worthy of maligning their franchise with modest expectations, that’ll just be his cross to bear.