It seems that my comments about the certain language used by New York Jets head coach Rex Ryan have generated a little bit of controversy. First of all, let me explain that as an NFL analyst, I automatically know more than all of the 32 current head coaches that haven’t been fired from their jobs, like I was. I gotta tell you, it’s much easier to be an offensive guru when you can criticize other people’s schemes without executing one of your own. But that aside, I feel compelled to clarify some of those remarks about “certain language,” and I’m happy to do so in this space.
First of all, the word “fuck” is only to be used when fornicating with a lady of ill repute. As in “I fucked that whore so hard that she thought my cock was an overdraft fee.” It’s not a word to be simply infused into normal speaking. Did Shakespeare ever say, “What light through yonder fucking window breaks?” I think not.
Secondly, “fuck” cannot be used as an abstract noun. One cannot “beat the fuck” out of someone. How much fuck could be in someone to begin with? Exactly. Although “fuck” can be a concrete noun when, as we mentioned before, concerns the act of blasting a really skanky bitch with the Captain’s special sauce. The Captain is my special name for my penis. It’s short for Captain Bingus T. Pussymasher. Phallus naming, for those wondering, is totally kosher.
Finally, we come to the act of, as Coach Ryan stated, “giving a shit.” This is a vulgar metaphor, insinuating the a transaction of feces for poorly-conceived ideology. This sort of poo-based economy does not exist! And to give credence to such a venture is total folly! Do we want to encourage the notion of debits and credits of ass product in the context of football? Heavens, no.
Rex Ryan is a fine football coach, but as long as I sit in the press box and not coaching an NFL team, I’ll always be allowed to judge him by whatever arbitrary standards I so choose. Until some other team decides that I might be worthy of maligning their franchise with modest expectations, that’ll just be his cross to bear.
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Need a tag that says “Brian Billick is the worst colour commentator in football:
Being passed up for the Buffalo Bills job in favour of Chan Gailey probably causes Tourette’s Syndrome…
@Nerd says:
Did Shakespeare ever say, “What light through yonder fucking window breaks?” I think not.
You know he wanted to, but it would have fucked up the rhyme scheme.
Actually, it would screw up the meter, not the rhyme scheme. Remember iambic pentameter? Didn’t you take English in High School?
/shows self the fuck out
The Poo Based Economy used to exist a few years ago in the “high desert” areas of Southern California. I believe they called it “home flipping.”
Well the not using it part is certainly right on the ball (see what I did there) for me these days. What if the woman gives her own nicknames for the wang – how does that rate on the lame scale? I’m curious now.
RE ThePirateSloth says:
“I say Slash has penis envy.”
Eh, sometimes. But usually not.
It’s still lame to name your dong. It should have no name, like the Clint Eastwood character in “The Good, the Bad and the Ugly.” Seriously, if you have a name for your penis, it suggests you might spend more time thinking about it than using it.
I say Slash has penis envy.
This is fucking brilliant!
Or would that be an incorrect usage of the word?
JohnnyWalker: “Whaddaya suppose the T stands for in Captain Bingus T. Pussymasher?”
Tiberius.
can’t “give a shit”*
You “give a shit,” but monkey’s can throw their poo at each other like it ain’t no thang? I call bullshit
While I have many fucks in me I could give, I refeuse, in the end, to give any.
And I eagerly await more of Brian’s analysis on coachspeak throughout this season. I’m guessing he would have made sense of the fabled Denny Green rant.
@DancingBaptist
Have one good season w/ Dante Culpepper in his prime at QB and Randy Moss giving a fuck at WR, and you get crowned a “genius”.
@Balls of Steel: How about “fictional characters from literature you’d like to bang” instead? I’m not really interested in knowing the pet names that other guys have for their cocks.
@UU shh….the teacher said we’re not supposed to give out the answers
@DB, I’m thinking there might be a hint of sarcasm in that tag.
I disagree that phallus naming is “kosher.” Or anything other than lame.
KSK Kommenter Draft for penis names?
If Rex Ryan says he’s gonna beat the fuck out of somebody, you better believe he’s gonna beat the fuck out of somebody.
I never understood the ” Brian Billick Offensive Genius ” tag. Look at the Ravens offense when he coached. Middle of the road for the most part. And hey, when you play Cincinnati and Cleveland for 1/4 of your games every year, it’s easy to look like a ” genius “.
(PS: My penis’ name is Cmdr Peter Moundpounder.)
How much fuck could be in someone to begin with?
Brady Quinn gleefully hypothesizes 14″ or more.
All the kids in Springfield are SOBs.
Whaddaya suppose the T stands for in Captain Bingus T. Pussymasher?
I notice Mr. Billick has no problem with the word “KILL”
Fuck Brian Billick. Fuck him with the fuckingly fucked up fuckpedal of fuckhattery and fuckitude.
So if Ryan said something like: “If you’re out of position one more time, I will beat the shit out of you and fuck your whore mother within an inch of her life.” Billick would have been fine with it.
/Billick needs a heaping serving of shut the fuck up
Scat-o-logical.
This sort of poo-based economy does not exist!
“Yet.” – Osi Umenyiora
‘debits and credits of ass product:’ first chapter of your standard Pimpology 101 text
Is Brian Billick the alter-ego of noted quartered backing understudy, JT O’Sullivan, he of Bengali Tygers of Cincinattus fame?
I wonder what’s Billick’s view of the use of “fuck” in tmeses like “fan-fucking-tastic” or “in-fucking-credible”.
Do I go with a “Seventh Heaven” joke, or a “Star Trek: The Motion Picture” joke? Ahh, option C, “The First Wives Club.”
According to that vast bastion of knowledge, Wikipedia: “While Shakespeare never used the term explicitly; he hinted at it in comic scenes in a few plays. The Merry Wives of Windsor (IV.i) contains the expression focative case (see vocative case). In Henry V (IV.iv), Pistol threatens to firk (strike) a soldier, a euphemism for fuck.” (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fuck). I’m not certain from where they plagiarized this information.
Brian Billich has trouble pronouncing the word “Phuck” without use of his upper lip as demonstrated in the above photo
Najeh Davenport is crestfallen upon being informed that a poo-based economy doesn’t exist.
@Otto, or the old Lily Allen song.
Otto Man:
You misunderstand. “Fuck you and fuck her, too” is a directive. Brian Billick is totally cool with Cee Lo.
“It would have fucked up the rhyme scheme.”
You meant meter.
/snob’ed
Oh, there’s plenty of fuck in me, coach.
Billick knows a thing or two about kosher phalluses (being a dick with ears helps).
I hear Billick doesn’t care for the new Cee Lo single. At all.
Did Shakespeare ever say, “What light through yonder fucking window breaks?” I think not.
You know he wanted to, but it would have fucked up the rhyme scheme.