Greetings. We’ve got a full mailbag this week (5400-plus words), and for once I was actually kind of diligent on Wednesday night and didn’t spend the evening drinking and ignoring your questions. That means there are some thoughtful answers below. And — yes — some mean ones, too. And some grammar-Nazism.

And yet people still write in every week. Believe me, I’m as surprised as you are.

Classy Caveman,
Fantasy Fooball: My league had its draft lottery a few weeks ago, I’m picking 7th. I recognize that Andre Johnson is a stud, but I’m set on starting off the draft with a running back. It’s looking like I’m going to end up with either Jackson, Gore, or Turner. Assuming that they’re all still available when my time comes, who is the safe pick and who has the most up-side?

You’re completely insane. A fantasy league where Frank Gore, Michael Turner, and Stephen Jackson are ALL on the board after six picks? Fat fucking chance.

That said, I’d guess that Gore has the most upside (followed by Jackson), while Turner is the relatively safe pick.

Sex: For the first time in a long time, I have no complaints in the sex department. Awesome for me, boring for readers. Sorry y’all. I will offer a replacement question and hope that it flies – Do you know if Tato Skins are still out there somewhere, or did TGI Fridays buy out all their shit? I was eating a bag of the Friday’s version earlier and noticed it said “Potato Skins”. I fear another loss of a great chip name. At least now Nacho Cheesier and Cooler Ranch Doritos have company in chip heaven.
-Rob

First of all, I don’t give a shit. But, since you asked, I went through the rigors of typing “tato skins” into Google, then pressing “Enter.” Then I clicked on the Wikipedia entry for Tato Skins:

They were once marketed by Keebler but changed hands to Poore Brothers, which also markets them as T.G.I. Friday’s Potato Skins Snack Chips.

So there you go. R.I.P., Tato Skins. They’re just not the same now that they’re no longer made by cartoon elves.

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Gayest of Mafias-
Hey, I’m the guy who you recommended to keep Matt Forte instead of Tom Brady last year.

Oof. Sorry. Again: the free advice you get here is NOT from an expert.

No worries, I’m not bitter at you, as your Sexy Fridays have more than made up for it. I *am* bitter at Tim Hightower’s negative-points performance for knocking me out of the playoffs. May he suck dicks in hell. Moving right along.

FOOTBALL: 3-year-old 10-team serpentine draft league. We became a keeper league in year 2, back when the draft order was randomly drawn, and having a keeper was optional (turning down a keeper got you first pick, and everyone else’s keepers counted as their first round picks). This is our first year of switching to a worst-to-first draft order. I’m the only guy who doesn’t want a keeper, but this is causing problems for our commissioner, as we struggle with the unintended consequences of having a worst-to-first draft order when someone doesn’t want a keeper. The commish says that me having the first pick, then going over to the normal draft order (where I’ll be picking 6th) is unfair to the rest of the owners, and he can’t think of a way to make it fair. I object on the grounds that the keeper was optional before, that nothing was mentioned of keepers becoming mandatory when we voted on switching to worst-to-first, and that this amounts to a last minute rule change (where rule changes aren’t supposed to come into effect until the next year).

Can you think of some sort of compromise, or should I just suck it up and pick a keeper to make life easy?

Let me answer your question with a question: Huh?

(Three thoughts, now that I’ve taken some time to make sense of your question: 1. Worst-to-first is stupid. 2. You’re in the right. 3. Sorry, I can’t think of a good compromise.)

FOOTBALL, PART 2 (no complaints about my sex life this year): If I do pick a keeper, who would you pick out of Philip Rivers, Reggie Wayne, Marques Colston, Matt Forte, or Jamaal Charles? At this point, you’re probably wondering why I was bitching about not wanting a keeper in the first place. Well, these guys might normally get drafted in the 2nd-3rd rounds, but I don’t think any are that good as to be worth the first round pick I thought I would be getting. I would rather release all of these players and get a chance to grab a true first-round RB and then return to pick up who I can in the 2nd round and later.

I think you’ll get first-round value from Rivers, and I’m big on Jamaal Charles. Both of those wideouts are terrific, but you’re right: not worth a first-rounder. I guess Rivers would be my choice.

Anyway, I have to make a decision and let the commish know by tomorrow. Love you long time if you print my question this week.
Regards,
The Bitter Buccaneer

(sent seven days ago)

Oops. I guess it’s moot now.

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What’s up guys. Love the bag, love the site, been reading forever. Actually, you guys have really helped me out. Had the breakup thing go down two months ago, and instead of moping, I went out, hit the gym, lost 25 pounds, and tried to keep busy.

Damn! Twenty-five pounds? I think I know why she broke up with you. Aww, don’t take it the wrong way. I’m just kidding ya, fattie.

It was off a two year relationship where she broke up with me, but I think I’m on the right track. My problem is this: some of the best sexual experiences of my life were with this girl. Now, I’m not opposed to porn in any way, but I feel that overdoing it leads down a bad path for future relationships. So my question: is it wrong to use these experiences when I need to release some tension? On the one hand, I’m not sure it’s good for me moving on in my life, but on the other, I have some great mental material, and if I’m thinking about her anyway I may as well get the gratification out of it. Thoughts?

Hey, we all have a mental highlight reel of our best sex. I still occasionally dust off mental images from five or ten years ago, just because it’s nice to remember all the hot tail I’ve slayed over the years, like those Swedish twins and the, uh… Brazilian… ass model?

Okay, so I don’t have a highlight reel. But there’s nothing wrong with YOU having one. And as long as you’re not whispering “I love you” and crying while you masturbate to memories of your ex, I think you’re okay. Ha ha, who would do something silly like that?

*looks around nervously*

As for fantasy: I won my first league last year. Our draft is at the end of August. Is there a limit on the amount of trash talk I can fire out before we start without crossing the line?
Thanks,
- Winner AND Loser

Yes. In the immortal words of bitter fans of the losing side: act like you’ve been there before.

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Dear KSK/Caveman,
Sex (Relationship): I’ll be a senior in high school this year and have found myself very much into one of my best friend’s.

Wow. I’m always amazed when I find out that high school students read such a high-minded, intelligent blog like KSK. You’re going places, young man!

(Psst… in order to make a noun plural, you just add an “s”. No apostrophe needed.)

My friend (we’ll call her X), and I hang out a lot and end up flirting when we hang out. X and I have had a conversation or two about how we used to have feelings for each other, but, for one reason or another, it never worked out. The reason I don’t share my feelings for her right now is because she has a boyfriend. X’s boyfriend leaves for college in about a month and my current plan is to wait it out and see what happens. Even if X and I did have mutual feelings, I don’t know if anything would happen because we would both probably feel guilty if she cheated on her boyfriend. Additionally, X and her boyfriend have been dating for about a year and a half. If they did break up, I don’t know how long it would take X to get over him and consider being with someone else.

I have tried going after another girl and that didn’t work out because there are not a huge number of fish in the sea (high school), and I’ve found myself continuing to fall for X.

Any advice on what I should do? I value my friendship with this girl and I really don’t wanna fuck that up but at the same time, my feelings for her keep re-surfacing.

[EDIT: I got ahead of myself and somehow overlooked this question. I'll leave it to the commenters to answer. Sorry, high school dude.]

Fantasy Football: You have the #3 pick in the draft.

Sweet!

Who do you take and why? I’m leaning towards MJD although Ray Rice is tempting.

My top 4: Adrian Peterson, Chris Johnson, MJD, Ray Rice. I think ol’ Cop Speed is going to regress a little, but that will likely be moot by the time the third pick rolls around. I’d probably stick with MJD because he’s still young and has an established pattern of consistency.

Also, I had a debate with my friend on how I would not touch DeSean Jackson inside the 3rd round this year (10 team league). I believe that the main reason he posted such great numbers last year was because of McNabb’s gun-slinging style. It allowed Jackson to sprint and cut at full speed while McNabb could throw it as hard as he could. I don’t think that Kolb has that ability and Jackson’s numbers will suffer because of it. This is a viable argument, no?
-Killed in Cleveland.

Well, let’s look at Kolb’s numbers. He only got two starts last year — a 48-22 Week 2 drubbing by the Saints, and a 34-14 win over Kansas City in Week 3. It’s a small sample size, but it’s all that we’ve got to base an opinion off of. Here are DeSean Jackson’s numbers in those games:

vs New Orleans: 4 rec, 104 yards, 1 TD. Long: 71 yards.

vs. Kansas City: 6 rec, 149 yards, 1 TD. Long: 64 yards.

Now, you may very well be correct. It’s possible that Kevin Kolb may not have McNabb’s “gun-slinging style,” and that Jackson’s numbers will suffer as a result. The data, however, suggest that you pulled that notion out of your ass.

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Good Afternoon Sultans of Twat,
Get it? It’s a baseball reference!

Yes. Well done.

Football First: I have been in a league with a bunch of high school friends for about 5 years now, as we are all in college. Because we have better things to do I guess, our long time commissioner says he will play, will even have the draft at his house, but says he doesnt want to organize anything. He’s a good guy and he’s been a good commish too. Some of the guys I play with and I have thought about trying to make him be commissioner again, but maybe I should ask about doing it? I have always competed well (finished top 3 for the past 3 years and won the past year) but I don’t know if I have the patience for being the commish. I don’t know if I care to handle money, deal with complaints from the same 3 kids every week about stat categories, etc. Should I take the plunge or try to assemble 4 or 5 owners to try and convince our current commish to stay put?

First off, try to remember that this is a fantasy football league. While it should be a fun competition for you and a group of friends, it shouldn’t require a five-person intervention to keep the commissioner in place. That would make you an obsessive weirdo.

Hell, be commissioner, don’t be commissioner, whatever. It’s not nearly as difficult as you make it sound. You organize the draft and collect money. Then you play fantasy football. If people complain, they can fuck off and run for commissioner next year.

Also quick question, who has more upside for a late round pick, Bernard Scott, Steve Slaton, or Larry Johnson?

Ugh. Slaton, I suppose. I’d like to think that his precipitous drop-off last year was just a really terrible sophomore slump.

Sex: So I have had a girlfriend for almost 4 years now, and we started dating in high school. To describe how awesome she is, we spend part of our Thursday afternoons reading this Mailbag every week, together, oh yeah and she has tits.

Aw, you got one with TITS?!?! Lucky! Here I am having sex with Christina Applegate like a sucker.

I am 2 years older than her, and had to deal with long distance while I waited for her to graduate high school. We had our fights, but this was a long distance relationship that actually worked! And then I was worried about going to different schools, until she ended up choosing the school I go to. Ecstatic that I will actually get laid at college I was very happy, but once sex is out of the way, I was thinking about “us.” I have my group of friends already, who she knows after visiting me a couple of times and we all get along great. But I want to make sure that once she gets to school she finds friends of her own and gets involved on campus, and so on.

My God, you’re so thoughtful and… sincere. I hope I was never like that.

What would you say would be some good ground rules to ensure that we have our own lives along with our great relationship? I will have an apartment and she is in the dorms so maybe a 1-2 night limit on sleepovers per week, or some way of not going to every party together. I don’t know where to start so what are some rules that we could make so that we have time to ourselves, but also time for our friends, schoolwork, etc?
Thanks,
AH

Don’t get ahead of yourself on limiting the sleepovers. The last thing you want to do is deny yourself sex because you’ve maxed out on sleepovers by Thursday.

But you are right in that she’ll need a certain amount of space to make her own friends. You don’t want her roommate to be all, “Oh, my roommate? She’s never here. She’s got some boyfriend who lives off-campus.” I think the best thing to do is give her enough space that first semester to make friends in her dorm, the classroom, and whatever extracurricular clubs she might want to join. That way, when you have a party at your apartment, she can bring her cute freshman friends with her, and your friends can benefit from the sorry existence of your first two years of college.

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Witty Name for KSK Blogger,

Sex first: I’m currently in a relationship with a girl that is going wonderfully. We have been really close friends for about five years and dating for one. We get along very well, have simliar interests, her family loves me (for some unknown reason) and all is well. My only problem is that, entering my mid twenties, this woman is the only person I’ve ever slept with. I’m not awfully unattractive, but I’m not Brad Pitt either. Confidence is a huge issue for me, so getting with girls in college was always a problem.

That was apparent from you not having sex with any of them.

It’s not that our sex is bad, it’s typically great, but my problem is that I have nothing to judge it by. My entire conceptualization of intercourse is based off of this one girl. Our relationship has gotten to be fairly serious, and while I know this shouldn’t be a big deal, my concern would be the possibility of only sleeping with one girl ever for my entire life.

I guess what I am wondering is whether or not this should bother me. Am I being a tool for wanting to sleep with a couple of different girls during my pathetic existence when I have a wonderful girl who loves me? Obviously wedding bells are not necessarily on the horizon but I won’t lie, some of the reason why I’m hesitant to discuss such future plans is my being uncomfortable with being locked down to the only girl who I’ve ever had intercourse with.

Is it really so bad to only have sex with one person? Would you really be happier if you slept with more women? Are men who’ve slept with more than woman more comfortable settling down?

Well… Yes. Yes to all those questions.

Listen, I’d love to blow smoke up your ass about the romance of marrying the only woman you’ve ever had sex with, but I can’t quite empathize with your situation. *I* wouldn’t want to get married to the first girl I slept with, so I can’t in good faith say that it’s the right thing for you.

Now, I’m NOT saying you should break up and look for other sexual conquests, because being with a good woman is 800 times better than the vastly overrated state of being single, but here’s what’s obvious: from your tone and word choice (“locked down”), you’re genuinely bothered by this. It’s something that you’ll need to either accept and make your peace with (“So long, other vaginas. I would have liked to taste you”), or it’s something that’s going to stick in your craw and keep you up at night. And if that’s the case, then you need to be fair to your girlfriend and tell her what’s on your mind. If she’s been your friend for five years, then she’s surely aware of your non-Casanova past. Maybe talking it out with her will give you both a better understanding of where your relationship should go.

Football: I have always been a diehard football fan, for as long as I can remember. And I can’t stand fantasy football. The fantasy league idea is intriguing, and I’ve done all kinds of goofy fantasy leagues with two or three fans for small bets or pride (most recently fantasy world cup and fantasy fishing, neither of which I have any clue about). My main problem with fantasy football is that I have never been part of a good league.

I have recently moved to a new city where I know very few people, so getting a group of friends in the same city to do a league with a party for the draft and for the end of the season isn’t going to happen. At the same time, thanks to people being adverse to gambling real money, every league I’ve been in with my friends at home is down to 80% participation at the draft and about 35% at Week 10. So it sucks.

I hate public leagues and would only want to play with people I know (because trash talking is half the fun) but at this point, getting such a league together and keeping it all season (not to mention for multiple seasons) seems impossible. Any advice?

Sorry for the length,

Self-depricating pseudonym

Have better friends?

**********

Howdy Ladies,

We’ll start with the follow up. You may remember me as the guy afraid of his girlfriend’s herpes from this bag.

I’ll try to keep this short and sweet. Things couldn’t be going better between the girlfriend and I as we are both pretty much head over heels for each other. The political/religious differences have been discussed and we have reached an understanding. The sex is often and phenomneal for both of us and I am still herp-free (which I am caring less and less about as I fall more and more in love with her).

Excuse me for one moment.

Very well. Carry on.

Now the sex/relationship question. We have started talking about moving in together. She already spends 3-4 nights a week at my place and it just makes sense for us to move in together considering I see this going a long ways. Add the fact that I can’t stand my roommate and it would save us both a pile of money and it seems like an easy decision. The problem is, before her my longest relationship was 3 months so this is entirely new territory for me. Also, I’m pretty sure my uber-conservative parents would probably shit themselves. Am I moving too fast? Am I getting in over my head at this point? She’s a phenomenal girl and I can see myself spending the rest of my life with her but I’m just nervous about making this jump. Advice?

You’re moving too fast. I’ve lived in New York for several years now, and people who live in normal places simply wouldn’t believe how many people I’ve met who are living with their ex in some kind of fucked-up scenario. A couple years ago, I went on a date with a girl who didn’t invite me up to her 1-bedroom apartment because she didn’t know if her ex-boyfriend/roommate was coming home that night. They’d been broken up and still living together for something like four months, because they were both on the lease and it’s hard to find the right apartment, blah blah blah. That’s a TERRIBLE living scenario — far worse than whatever peccadilloes your present roommate has — and that story is in no way out of the ordinary for this city.

Anyway, you’re still in an exciting, early part of your relationship with this girl. Don’t mess it up by moving in together.

Now the easy stuff. I work at a company devoid of die-hard sports fans and have lost touch with the guys who gave me my dose of that in college. I ran a fantasy league for a bunch of buddies at work last year but it was devoid of trades and any real shit talk. I’m going to run it again this year and shouldn’t have a problem putting together a solid 12 team league but my question is this. How do I spice up the league to make it more interesting to people who, for lack of a better word, don’t really care or know what they are doing?

-Dying Without Diehards.

It depends on how much you like your co-workers. I always enjoy my fantasy league more when I watch the games with guys in my fantasy league — it allows for the ever-so-important face-to-face shit-talking. So in that regard, I’d recommend meeting your league-mates at the sports bar, preferably with a handheld device that allows you to track your fantasy scores.

Or you can charge more to enter the league. Money has a way of making people care.

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Dear KSK,
How many fantasy teams are too many? I burned out on 95% of the fantasy baseball teams I made this year because of work and a lack of motivation after the teams started sucking. So in order to prevent this, I was wondering, how many fantasy football teams are too much?

So… you had 20 fantasy baseball teams, and burned out on 19 of them? Yes, 20 fantasy teams is too many.

It’s really up to the individual. For me, three teams is too many. I can only care about two teams, and even then I get frustrated about rooting for guys on my A-team who my B-team in another league is facing. Our man PUNTE, though, often has as many as ten teams, and he seems to be pretty happy about that.

Second, how do I get my partner to be more open to trying different things in the bedroom? I want to do new things, she wants to try new things, but every time we do the deed, it ends up with me on top. Is there some magic formula to open up a (hopefully) kinky side to her?
-TJMC

Yes, but I can only tell you in the extremely vague terms that you used to ask the question: talk to her, and find out if you can fulfill some of her fantasies. Barring that, see if she’ll indulge yours.

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KSK,

I’ve been dating my girlfriend for about a year, and it’s going really well. We have great sex; she comes just about every time, even once three times. After reading this column, I’ve realized that my sex life is better than average. I appreciate this sense of perspective, but still could use some advice.

I’ve gotten bored with our sex a little. We have the same foreplay which leads to the same sex — her on top — and never anything “less.” It’s not that we always do the same position, since we both get maximum pleasure out of that position. (I actually have never come on top in my life.)

That’s fucking weird, by the way. You’ve got a really lazy penis.

But I’m slightly bored of always coming via intercourse. Sometimes, I literally just want a fucking handjob. (A blowjob would be better. but she’s said her previous long-time boyfriend was very abusive about head, so she is really self-conscious about that and thus I won’t pressure her.)

Remember what you said about your sex life being better than average? Well… you’re wrong.

So my question is, how do I ask for a handjob without sounding like a selfish dick? By asking for a handjob and not sex she probably won’t come since she never comes from getting fingered and wouldn’t hypocritically ask for head. Hence my trepidation since it’s basically expected we both come each time we hook up.

Sex isn’t some zero-sum Cold War game, you know. It’s not like, “Okay, remember that time I gave you three orgasms? Well, I’m not getting you off the next two times we have sex.” Sex is about getting pleasure, yes. But it’s also about giving pleasure (and a good lover gets pleasure from giving it). The next time you have sex with her, after you give her an orgasm, ask her if she’ll finish you off with a handjob. (Or you can ask after sex. Post-sex is a very good time to talk with your partner about what other kinds of sex you want to have in the future.)

Perhaps the reason I’m longing for some hand-dick contact is that I stopped masturbating once the relationship cemented

You gotta be fuckin’ kidding me.

despite previously jerking about 5 times a week. For some reason I feel guilty whacking off to other girls when I’m in a steady, sexually gratifying relationship. Am I just being a pussy?

Well, I wouldn’t call that being a pussy, per se. Certainly it’s unusual, but I’m sure your girlfriend appreciates the respect inherent in your completely unnecessary restraint.

Let’s put it this way: if you just occasionally jerked off while fantasizing about sex with your girlfriend, would you have needed to write this email?

Football: What are the chances the Texans make the playoffs?
-Tug job needed

Same as every year: not as good as the Colts’. But at least they’ve finally leap-frogged the Jags in the AFC South hierarchy.

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Dear KSK,
Football – In one of my leagues, we have a manager who hasnt paid his fee from LAST YEAR yet. I sent an email to the league saying to kick him out but our commissioner is a pussy and thinks those who want him out are obsessed with money. Should he be allowed to pay this years and last years entry fee to stay in the league? I say fuck no.

It sounds like you’re obsessed with money. Let the guy pay his entry fees.

Sex – I took home a woman from a bar last week and after I took care of her needs, she blew me for literally 13 seconds then stopped and continued with a dry and vigorous handjob. After a while, I asked her what she was doing. She breathily replied, “Making you cum.” She did not and I rolled over to go to sleep. Why go home with a dude you met at 1:20 AM if thats all you are down for?
Regards,
My Commissioner is a Pussy

Perhaps she was just drunk and looking to get off. You know, like most guys at a bar at 1:20 a.m.

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Dear KSK,
I’m sitting on the 2nd pick in a 12 team league with a snake draft. I was thinking of trading down because when looking at who tends to go 23rd (http://games.espn.go.com/ffl/livedraftresults), I’m not too excited. Would I really be better off with AP and Roddy White than Payton Manning and Fitz? I offered My 1st and 4th for the person drafting 3rds 1st and 2nd, but he turned me down. Anything below MJD scares me, because I’m not sold on Rice as a safe fantasy stud with McGahee on the roster. What other offers could I make to the other players in my league that would give me a slightly deeper core?

You’re over-thinking it. I actually looked at a statistical analysis of how fantasy draft order affects standings — I think it was in ESPN the Magazine — and the best spots to be were the bookends (1st, 2nd, 11th, 12th). Stay put and get yourself a blue-chip RB.

I have a friend who just got dumped on by a chick he had been pining after for a few months. He basically was very nice to her, took her out to dinner, cooked for her, etc. and just ended up getting friend zoned. Throughout the relationship, I told him that he needed to grow some balls and make a definite move, because girls don’t respect guys who are afraid to advance a relationship to the next level. He laughed me off and insisted that his method was the way to woman’s heart. I’m not saying I’m Casanova, but can the commentors back me up on my opinion that a man has to show that he has a spine in order for a woman to respect and love him?
-CV

Your story has some holes. If your friend took this girl out to dinner and cooked for her without ever trying to make a move, then he was never in a relationship.

As usual with these simplistic either/or questions, the answer is “both”: being kind to a woman and cooking for her are excellent ways to a woman’s heart, but women also want a man who’s confident and assured of himself. Duh.

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Dear Unlicensed The rapists,

Football: I have a 12 team standard scoring ESPN league with 1 keeper from the previous year. You sacrifice your 1st round pick, but the keeper is optional. Is it worth taking Rodgers, Larry Fitzgerald, or Miles Austin, or should I skip the keeper, giving myself a top pick and taking someones second-best. I figure there are 7-8 top notch QB’s, and some will be available 2/3 round. I’m not big on Fitzy with Leinart throwing him the ball and Boldin not pulling any coverage. Austin, while great, is anything but consistent.

I’d start with the #6 pick, but it appears most people will elect to take a keeper. Guaranteed not-kept are Thomas Jones, Frank Gore, Ryan Grant, Andre Johnson, and Randy Moss (these are all clear second-best on the team).
-Off the DL

Keep Rodgers.

Sex: Is it wrong to reject kissing/makeout after a BJ? That’s definitely something I don’t want to taste/come in contact with. I don’t hold a double standard either, if I go down on a girl, I’m not mashing face with her a few minutes later. I’ve been told that at some point in life I’ve probably made out with a girl that gave a BJ after she last brushed her teeth, and I don’t doubt it. But 5 minutes or a few seconds after, feels wrong to me. Selfish? Prudish? Dickish?

Selfish? I don’t think so. Prudish? Perhaps a little. Dickish? Depends on the woman’s desires post-blowjob.

I’m not going to give some big speech about the pleasures of snowballing, because that’s not my bag. But you should be aware that the message a woman might receive by your actions is, “Your mouth is best served as a receptacle for my semen, after which point I have no use for you.” True or not, that’s not very gentlemanly.

Anyway, the closed-mouth kiss is perfectly good at preventing the taste of semen from reaching your tongue, but if that’s a bridge too far, you should at least kiss her forehead and offer to get her a glass of water.