Sometimes even the biggest throbcock NFL star has to take a moment to butter up the cheesedicks in the media. That way when I’m 40 and uneasy with the prospect of ending my career, I’ll have someone eager to let me string them along for my final five years in the league. Besides, if the media ain’t asking somebodddaaayyy, who is? Bring on the softballs, Pedro.

:02 – Oh no, my first offseason without knowing LaToeInjury will be back to pussyfoot through my pristine backfield. That there’s a real stressor. I tell ya, if I weren’t already up long hours carrying out God’s mission of fertilizing my wife’s eggs, I’d be losing some serious sleep. Mark Sanchez must be having good post-date rape siesta.

:13 – “In the locker room, you knew where he was gonna be…” That’s my little way of saying stationary bike or sitdown toilet. Man could make himself a tidy profit selling that shitbird a combination of the two.

:38 – How do I handle Vincent Jackson’s holdout? At least somewhat better than he handles liquor.

:50 – “Brandon Dombrowski, a young guy who’s ascending.” With my help, he could float with the best of ‘em.

1:25 – Do I play fantasy football? That some kind of online fetish community? I knew I should have done this interview on ABC Family.

1:31 – I really do think this guy might actually blow me on live television. I mean, if he wants to do it, that’s on him. Ain’t gay if you receiving.

1:48 – “You’re very passionate.” Careful, you’re making me sound Hispanic. I’m not like you. I don’t like your people.

1:54 – Uh oh. This faggot wants to bring out the big boy questions. He even dropped a Cutlerfucker mention. I don’t buy into this sleazy gotcha journalism. Watch me deflect this one like a pro.

2:02 – “I hear that you don’t swear.” ANOTHER VICTORY FOR THE LASERFACE PR MACHINE!

2:11 – Well gollie shucks, missuh teevee anchorman, I know Momma Rivers brought her boys up right. She told us never to take the Lord’s name in vain or befoul the air with rank stench of profanity. And that’s the way I operate. Sure, it may earn me a few guffaws from teammates who can’t help themselves. And that’s fine. I don’t judge. I just go out and compete and that the way the good lord wanted it to be.

2:28 – When do I get to plug my series of abstinence education DVDs? WHAT? HUH? WHAT? FUCK YOU, MEDIA WHORES!

[Thanks to reader Patrick for the tip]