We’re in the dreaded post-draft period of the NFL offseason. There’s still no real football for weeks. You’re hurt. You’re angry. You’re hateful. We understand. At KSK, hating things is what we do best, which is why we have the recurring This Week In Eff You series, to soothe your white hot anger. This week: Columnists who use any bad event to damn American society as a whole.
Jeff Pearlman is the guy who helped ruin John Rocker’s career and gave us the majesty of Charles Haley jacking off in front of his teammates. The world is richer place for knowing such things. I think we all owe typical liberal Jew Pearlman a debt of gratitude for unearthing vital stories involving Charles Haley’s huge cock. But today, Pearlman published an opinion piece over at SI about Big Ben that managed to grate on pretty much everyone who came into direct contact with it. Here’s a sample. You only need a sample, I assure you:
Ben Roethlisberger will begin practicing with the Steelers this week. Therefore, we will cheer.
I know this because we, the sports fanatics of America, cheer for nearly everything… It’s what we do. We cheer.
Yet this time … well, perhaps this time we should think about the whole cheering thing.
…By the time Roethlisberger hits Hines Ward with a deep slant pass in his return to action in October (the suspension can be reduced to four games), Steelers fans will return to wearing his jersey and kissing his feet and begging for autographs.
This is who we are.
This is a shame.
Would you like to become a columnist for virtually any mainstream media outlet? I know EXACTLY how you can achieve that goal. Simply follow these two easy steps.
1. Identify some really bad thing perpetrated by an individual human being
2. Blame it on ALL OF US.
That’s it. Those are the steps. Do that, and you’ll be sipping Pinot in a non-air conditioned summer cottage with that cuntface Joe Klein in no time.
It’s the oldest trick in the columnist handbook. Take something shitty and use it to make some grand pronouncement about how shitty WE are as a society. Big Ben pushed some chick into a bathroom and skeeted all over her. But really, didn’t we ALL push her into a bathroom and collectively flood her with our cumulative jizz, drowning her in our buttery hero worship? Didn’t we ALL rape that poor girl? Didn’t we ALL give Big Ben a punishment too light? Didn’t we ALL decide just now to cheer him on later this season, to overlook all of Big Ben’s evildoing and his gray penis? ISN’T IT OBVIOUS THAT WE’RE ALL TO BLAME FOR THIS? WE CREATED THIS MONSTER!
I fucking hate columns like this. Mike Lupica built his career on this kind of dogshit. Wilbon would be unemployed without it. Even fucking Petchesky used it today. Someone busted into Erin Andrews hotel room? That’s because WE objectified her and compelled a crazy man to film her biscuit! Barry Bonds took steroids? That’s because WE demanded more home runs from our heroes! BP spilled an assload of oil in the Gulf? Well, that’s clearly because WE crave gas and all collectively hired shoddy engineers and unqualified personnel to oversee the rig’s construction and day-to-day maintenance! Are NFL players suffering from serious concussions? That’s because WE need big hits! MORE MORE MORE! Everything everywhere is ALL OUR FAULT! THIS IS WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS!
This so fucking lazy and stupid. You know why some Steelers fans will cheer for Big Ben when he comes back, Pearlman? Because they want their team to win. And, I know this will shock you, but not all of us will actually cheer Big Ben at all. Some of us will boo. Some of us will say HEY BIG BEN, YOU AND YOUR GRAY DICK CAN GO FUCK A COBRA. I know that’s what I’ll do.
And do you know why some of us won’t cheer Ben? Because there is no US. There is no WE. It’s not my fault LeBron James is an overprivileged cocksucker. He brought that shit on himself. Anyone who says, “We made LeBron! We coddle our athletes and place unreasonable expectations on them! He’s a product of THE MACHINE!” is lazy and dumb. There is no machine, except for the PlaschkeBot3000, which churns out this kind of half-assed insight on a thrice-weekly basis. I’ve never coddled an athlete. I’ve never patted them on the head and given them a gold star for gettin’ all rapey. I swear.
Sometimes, an asshole is just an asshole. Okay? Not everything is some glaring symptom of a societal ill. Not every athlete skeeting on a bathroom wall is a clear sign of the decline of Western Civilization. If it were, we’d all be fucking dead by now. Any sportswriter who does this is basically saying ALL OF US ARE BADDDDD, AND ONLY I AM BRAVE ENOUGH TO SEE IT! I’M TOTALLY ABOVE IT ALL! I’M THE ONLY ONE THAT DIDN’T SKEET ON THE GIRL’S CHEST! You’re basically declaring yourself a pompous shithead when you do something like this. What are you gonna do, shithead? Punish us by taking away sports? The world has always been shitty. Your little artful display of melancholy won’t change jack SHIT.
Then again, maybe it’s not Pearlman’s fault he wrote something so blatantly pedantic. Maybe he wrote it because WE are always looking for someone to blame when something bad happens. Maybe WE take comfort in knowing that there aren’t bad people out there, just a bad environment that causes such columns to exist. Maybe WE wrote this column.
Fucking stupid.
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This kind of reminds me of something that Matt and Trey might do on “South Park,” meaning that this article is fucking awesome.
thanks drew for clearing our names to think this whole time i cumulatively came on this girl i didnt know if i should turn myself in to the police or even do it again
On the money, except for the Lebron shit. A drug user, a peeping tom, the goddam oil spill, and a fucking rapist have absolutely shit in common with a 25 year old who excercises options we all dream of, and actually enjoys his life. Apples and hammers. I agree, this blame game shit is stupid and lazy – it’s time to acknowledge how pathetic we’ve become as “haters”.
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I know i’m late to the game, just wanna say fucking brilliant!!! Made my otherwise shitty and very long day.
Am I the only one who read perpetrated as penetrated at first.
Preach it AB
Or “Big Daddy Drew” maybe just maybe, you are an asshole of the same level of stupidity as the rest of the shoddy ‘journalists’ that you spew hate for. Because you, like them, have decided that someone is guilty of a crime for which he was never charged.
I’ll go all -in with my bet, that some girl at some point in your life could have made an allegation that you took advantage of her when you were both drunk. Are you willing to call that bet? Didn’t think so. Probably, if you were a famous athlete worth 100 mil, it would have happened. But, since you’re the typical loser who calls himself “Big Daddy” (a sure sign you’re a douchenozzle from the get go) and you’ve never been worth a cent, you don’t have to worry about it.
Maybe, just maybe, you and the rest of these losers should look at this ‘story’ about Ben and realize that you don’t know anything other than a drunk girl, said we had sex, then he just left, then after talking with her sorority sisters, decided she was raped. Then after having a minute to think about it, decided she wasn’t.
In short, why don’t you add a big fat dick to the 10 lb. lunch you eat every day.
Thanks and good night.
Did anyone realize he said in the article that people cheer for fireworks even though they can’t hear us? Who the fuck goes ‘GO FIREWORKS GO, YEAHHHH’?
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@Leapin_Lizards
“Perhaps…just perhaps…we as a society are responsible for Monkey Business”
OH, HELL NO!
/dick joke
/standing ovation
You know, I just read the Petchesky column yesterday and had that same feeling of annoyance that somebody is once again getting on their high horse and bemoaning our fallen society. People who do that can fuck the fuck off. Greed, lust, hate, idolatry — all that shit is in the Bible for crying out loud. There have been shitty people since the dawn of time. GET OVER IT.
But wouldn’t it be cool if Pearlman was RIGHT, though? Ever think of it THAT way?
When an athlete gets a blowjob, we ALL get to shoot a load!
When an athlete signs a $100m deal, we ALL get a $100m deal!
When an athlete buys a mansion, we ALL get a big, cool place to live and party!
Ohhhhh…ohhhhhh…it could be like Entourage! I can be Turtle! I’ll drive, yeah!
Next week in fuck you: Entourage? Please?????
But then there’s the downside…like when Adrian Beltre fractured his testicle…I mean, do we ALL really want a fractured testicle?
#IthinkIhaveA.D.D.
perfect, drew, love it.
‘sanctimony as style’ is not new, but used more often now than ever by lazy fucks like pearlman. stop painting me with that broad brush, you prick, and worry about yourself.
that goes for pearlman and all those other political dicks that do the same thing. we’re 300 mill strong in this country alone – don’t use what some random assholes do as a gauge to judge the rest of us strangers.
YR-
Pearlman doesn’t grasp the irony of it. The ’86 Mets, puking on their wives, and Jimmy Johnson’s Cowboys banging slophouse whores at their White House, had swagger, or some such nonsense as per Pearlman.It was fun, so what if someone almost bled out from scissor wounds in a barber chair. But Rothlisberger acts like a jerk and the Republic will fall. A not very consistent point of view.
@LaFarve’s Next Drink…
I think all the good commenters on Deadspin were banned once Daulerio took over the site. It’s strange when they have an open thread on something, even something like NFL football, and, well, very few comments… on an open thread!
Please someone e-mail Pearlman the link to this entry. He needs to understand how shitty his column is being received.
Pearlman has the biggest case of athlete penis envy ive ever seen. He writes about every athlete as though they personally made fun of him for getting cut from the little league team.
I don’t trust any starting QB with a mullet. Ben never should have been allowed entry into the club with that thing.
http://www.sportsandmusik.com
Drew – thank you for this – that’s great hustle (slaps BDD on the ass HARD)
/fast clap
@sarlacc…
There are Seahawks fans?
In general I’m a Steeler fan (points casually to name tag) but even I find this type of shit stupid. Believe me, I’m pissed about large Benjamin and his jizz stains to our already marred fan reputation.
But to sit there and put this shit on everybody also takes blame away from the players. Which is why its even more stupid. These articles try to hate on the player, while at the same time removing some of the blame from them by stating its partially our fault. So its really quite hypocritical and retarded.
You know, I actually like Pearlman. But I needed Drew to point out the formulaic nature.
Here for example is his second piece today.
http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2010/more/07/20/mets.cowboys/index.html?eref=sihp
Or you can call it, “Hey remember when I wrote those two awesome books about these guys? I was awesome” formulaic.
Jesus.
Yee-Haw, Drew is fucking literate!
I thought SI was a satire site.
/just busting your balls, Drew. Great column.
Lofty words. True words.
Petchesky never wrote about Andrews, the wording makes it look like he did. He wrote about how it’s wrong for people to demonize Jack Tatum for the Darryl Stingley hit when people go nuts for that type of play, right until something bad happens. His article was not like the Pearlman-Roethlisberger “We let him get away with rape” article.
@WYD
*hums the national anthem*
But what does it say about society that Dez Bryant won’t carry Roy Williams’ pads? That as a collective group we hate picking up after overpaid, lazy shit-heads?
This scciety can nonetheless be completely redeemed if another like-sized midget beats the living piss out of douchebag Mike Lupica. Otherwise the terrorists will have won.
For those who do not fully grasp the total douchebaggery of Mike Lupica-behold the book-length ravings of a man who now writes 95 steroid columns a year lambasting Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens and Alex Rodriguez-
“Summer of ’98: When Homers Flew, Records Fell, and Baseball Reclaimed America”, by Mike Lupica.
Lupica these days rarely leaves his Connecticut mansion, except perhaps to be featured on some Food Network show. And why should a sportswriter bother actually
attending games when he writes the same column 3 times a week,while changing it up by writing his “Obama is great!” column once a month. When he did show up to the All Star game at Yankee Stadium, hilarity ensued as the diminutive scribe tried to big-time his way onto the field past working stiff security who didn’t know or care who he was. “I’M MIKE LUPICA!”, cried he!
Mike Lupica is the only web column, sports or otherwise, in any NY newspaper website that does not allow comments.
Picture Robert Duvall’s Max in “The Natural”, except again Lupica stopped actually covering the games in person a long time ago.
Short column, he must have had to run to the “get in touch with your inner vagina” seminar.
I’d be willing to take a little responsibility for his rapeyness if I received a corresponding portion of his salary in return. Otherwise, fuck off, sanctimonious columnist.
Jeff Pearlman was one of the first to speak out against horseplay.
“This so fucking lazy and stupid.”
/Hines Wald keyboard hijack!
But on the real comment side of things, this was awesome. It’d be nice to see more direct facts and opinions rather than writers playing it safe with these horrid, self-congratulating, self-delivered-wankjob columns.
These are the same pricks in the media who think WE give a fuck whether or not Favre mows grass or throws a pass.
Awesome. Columns like this are why I stopped reading most columns.
Also, fuck Gawker media and all their bullshit hipster rabblerousing. Every single one of their sites (yes EVEN Fleshbot!) is designed around posting inane bullshit about how some one story is an indicator of how fucked up certain people/a group of people/society are/is. Rinse and Repeat.
Bravo Drew, excellent, excellent post. Is there some sort of phone number I can call to get me off of this “WE” list that sportswriters love to include me in when they rant about their bullshit moral and social analysis?
Of course, I don’t know what it says about US as a society when WE still watch Around the Horn and PTI everyday, even though WE get pissed at 75% of the things these cocknuggets say.
I’m cheering for Ben just to stick it to Pearlman.
I think Craggs is the worst.
“oh you like/dislike something? Let me take 1000 words to tell you how racist/ignorant/fucktarded you are for having a favorable opinion about anything”
Actually, Pearlman is right on this one: it is my fault. I was at the bar that fateful night and when that chick wasn’t looking, I slapped the “DTF” sticker on her and sent her to the bathroom. Then I told Big Ben she was totally into gray cock. So I apologize for inspiring this fine liberal Jew into writing such a column. I’ll just stick to being a positive influence on Kobe.
I’d like to apologize for making LT have sex with a minor. We had been doing so good for so long, then we just said to ourselves, “we have been doing so good for so long, how can we fuck it up and get into some real trouble?”
p.s. I don’t need Ben to skeet on a some girl’s face, I can do that all by myself. Or at least their face in a magazine!
/great post
Thank goodness someone finally called out Petchetsky. The funbag is about the only thing worth reading on Deadspin anymore.
I hope we aren’t to blame for his hair too.
Perhaps…just perhaps…we as a society are responsible for Monkey Business.
The blame game is for suckers. Pearlman can suck a fat dick.
but, but, but…….. someone or something has to be blamed for Brett Favre.
But you can’t hold the whole media responsible for the behavior of a few, sick twisted individuals. For if you do, then shouldn’t we blame the whole journalistic system? And if the whole journalistic system is guilty, then isn’t this an indictment of our entire first Amendment rights? I put it to you, Drew – isn’t this an indictment of our entire American society? Well, you can do whatever you want to us, but we’re not going to sit here and listen to you badmouth the United States of America … Gentlemen!
This is the same reason why I fucking HATE Roger Ebert and all his shitty reviews.
It’s always some excessively poetic drivel like, “…as we sit and watch this awful film, we realize that the director is lost in a sea of his own pretentiousness, adrift in a storm that we know he cannot weather, and we are saddened to discover that he will never navigate his way to the shoreline of denouement …”
Wait, who’s this fucking “WE?” I liked the move, Captain No-Jaw. Don’t fucking present your stupid, overrated opinion as mine. Oh, and get well soon, I guess.
Drew, you are absolutely correct. Joe Klein is a cunt face.
Also, Deadspin sucks, the only writer worth reading over there is Drew. And, apparently, almost all the funny commenters have gone elsewhere. The commenters they have now are a bunch of cunts, with some exceptions like Stu, UU, Ken Gryphon and a very few others.
Some of us will say HEY BIG BEN, YOU AND YOUR GRAY DICK CAN GO FUCK A COBRA. I know that’s what I’ll do.
While you cheer on Brett Favre’s Minnesota Vikings!!!!!
+1 @ Nate Newton’s Van
@SonOfSpam: I wasn’t defending Vick so much as grumbling about the spectacular amount of moralizing and outrage associated with him.
@burrito
I always thought it was a Whoopi Goldberg type deal with Pearlman too.
Now, at the risk of sounding unpopular, this reporter places the blame squarely on YOU, the VIEWERS!
/brockman’d
The thing I hate about those stories is that the examples the often cite (like in petchesky’s) have to do with the media that’s covering it, not the fans. So it’s not even the media trying to blame a big societal problem on the people, it’s the media trying to put blame on the people for their choices in coverage and hype and promotion.
/skeetskeetskeet.
You go Big Daddy. Any society that doesn’t appreciate a good dump, where it came from and what direction to clean it , is not a society I want to live in.
As a Seahawks fan, I can take solace in knowing that this is not my fault. I wanted Roethlisburger to get raped, not get rapey.
wow, i wrote my comment above as soon as you called out pashky. i just finished reading and would like to tell you that i love you.
Otto Man, I think the f–ks are to get through office web filters and increase KSK’s viewability.
Oh yeah, and excellent point, Reduced Daddy Drew.
Petchesky stinks, so maybe he was forced into writing the ‘we all stalked Erin Andrews’ column by his inherent lack of talent, intelligence, competence, and journalistic integrity. Or maybe – him, Pearlman and every other talentless hack that produces the same regurgitated bullshit column is a mastermind. After all, they’re being paid to basically re-write the same column with a different name and offensive behavior.
thank you for calling out barry pechtsky or whatever his name is. the one who used to write for that gawker porn site was pretty awful about this too. deadspin tries WAY too hard. they are the hipsters of the blogging universe.
Bravo, Drew. That Deadspin article was fucking stupid as hell today. Jesus, man, he’s just a football player and he gets fucking paid to maul motherfuckers. He knows it; we know it. It’s a fucking job, it’s violent and sometimes people get hurt. Conversely, these athletes are sometimes fucking assholes…no different than any other asshole you see on the street every day except other, bigger assholes occasionally cater to them. Orating in front of the populace like you’re some griot fuckface Socrates is STRAIGHT BULLSHIT.
Thanks for calling them out on the soapboxing.
/Joins standing ovation
Fucking amateur bullshit. Hines Ward will NOT be running any deep slant patterns.
@Tracer: Please don’t kind-of-defend Vick. What he did was fucked up. Of course, if you weren’t kind-of-defending him and I misconstrued, then I’ll go back to my home on Whore Island.
Why does it have to be Hines Ward catching the slant pass, you racist Jew?
fuck yeah, Drew. Solid offering.
The fact he referenced the Hagåtña Detention Facility forcing me to look it up is further proof that Pearlman is an a-hole.
Pearlman is Jewish?
Jeff,
Yes, you are so right. “We” are all souless drones cheering on touchdown boy regardless of any misdeeds he has done.
While courageous sportwriters like you are above such things.
Oh wait, don’t you get PAID to write about guys like Ben Roethlisberger? Didn’t YOU make a career decision to dedicate your waking hours to cover professional athletes?
But isn’t it our fault as a society for journalists writing pieces blaming us? Haven’t we created these society blaming journalists by continuing to buy shitty magazines like SI.
Wow that WAS easy.
And since when did this become “This Week in Eff You”?
I need the unfiltered profanity. Don’t PG this shit to protect the delicate ears of rugrats and Baptists.
That article was not only pedantic, but shallow. Shallow and pedantic.
Typical bullshit assuming that no one can think for themselves, when in doubt blame the masses.
So you’re saying that we AREN’T affected by our society as a whole? I mean, okay.
But it is fun to blame society as a whole, because society as a whole can’t sue you for saying stupid shit.
There may only be two steps to becoming a columnist in the mainstream media, but that’s still a longer route than the one step needed to become a columnist in the blogosphere: dick jokes.
I think Ape is still going to be cheering for the Ben. Nice post BDD