Oh, that was horrid. The second they had that nonunion Mexican Darth Vader equivalent do the intro, you knew you were screwed. Then we had to suffer through 30 minutes of Jim Gray asking LeBron if he bites his nails and when he made his decision and if he likes his fresh hand towels warmed or chilled. Then we had to listen to LeBron talk about “process” and “process” and “processing” the “process” of the “process” and all the magical things he’s learned being fellated by half the free world.
I already said what I needed to say about this asshole, and Leitch summed up last night perfectly. But there’s one other point to be made about this whole debacle: Few people have boned a chance to talk to the world for an hour like this retard did. If you or I had an hour of primetime TV to call our own, would we waste the nation’s time as LeBron James did? FUCK AND NO, we would not. We’d grab the bull by the balls, dammit! I know I would. And that’s what today’s draft is asking: If you had an hour of TV to yourself, what would you announce? What would you do with it? You could do anything, and anything is a virtual lock to be an improvement over what we saw last night. I swear, the NFL needs to show up NOW. For all our sakes.
Anyway, what would I do with an hour of airtime? CELEBRITY MUD WRESTLING, people.
Oh, yeah. With ME as the corrupt and handsy ref. Pick one thing, then wait ten picks to pick another. ESPN is your oyster, gang.
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sarah palin in a rape stand and a full prison rec yard.
That woman from the Overstock.com Christmas commercials, slowly stripping and then I would announce my candidacy for President in the final 60 seconds. I’d win.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MXxaLxgyoO0
Michael Irvin, some coke and about 4 whores. Oh yeah, and a pair of scissors.
All members of Nickleback locked in a steel cage with 1 full grown silver-back gorilla with Barbara Streisand playing it the cage the entire time.
It’s on ESPN, right? Fap to that Erin Andrews video.
An hour of me administering a firm yet loving spanking to Christina Hendricks while Allison Brie massages my shoulders. The dead members of Pink Floyd shall be resurrected and play the album Wish You Were Here in the background as well as selections from Dark Side of the Moon. In the final five minutes, Morgan Freeman will bring me a glass of scotch, a sundae, and a blanket then read us all Pet The Bunny.
The answer is obvious: Fake Telethon. I get some child actor to pretend to have a really awful disease (perhaps involving pepperoni) and we have nothing but the hottest female celebrities come on and make out for the entire program. The more money is donated, the more aggressive and passionate they get.
The show ends with a federal judge giving me full immunity for the massive fraud I just committed, but the donations are still funneled to my Swiss bank account (just to be safe). It’s win-win: I live the rest of my life lounging on the beach in the Caribbean, and you all get a healthy deposit into your spank banks.
I’d spend an hour of time on ESPN reading aloud from Michael Freeman’s book ESPN: The Uncensored History.
I just read Leitch’s article, and I don’t feel like playing right now.
@thats what she says: Sleeper pick.
My second round pick…We march Kobe Bryant onstage and drop an anvil on him. Stu Scott proceeds to have a 55 minute mental breakdown.
I’d show 9-11 clips again so people remember how much we are hated. Maybe our troops would get some support and we can finish the job.
/fuck rules of engagement and racial profiling.
Babe Ruth (in his prime) vs Hank Aaron (in his prime) HR derby.
//you’d watch.
I’d reunite all the funny people from the history of Saturday Night Live (Chris Farley and John Belushi brought back from the dead, Bill Murray, et al) for a 50-minute long blowout episode with me as a “host” (I’d fill in for one skit to satisfy the requirements, then let the professionals do the rest). The last 10 minutes would be rounding up all the shitty people that are currenty ruining the show (Seth Myers, Andy Samberg, whatever bland, faceless chicks they currently have) into a circle and being publibly shamed and told they’ll never be funny or loved. Great laughs, and then I get to see Seth Myers destroyed by comedy legends (who are probably his idols) on national television.
I would stare deeply into the souls of anyone watching.
Just staring.
For one straight hour.
One hour of non-stop surfing and re-experiencing all of those weirdass fucked up websites and links to sick shit of yore. You know what I’m talking about, Bang Bang Bang, Tubgirl, Mylazysundays, lemonparty, meatspin, dudes we could easliy fill an hour.
I’d get a writer from some popular tear jerker movie like Titanic to write me a sob story that I could perform as a southern preacher asking for everyone watching to send in 100 bucks to save little Bobby from some horrible made up disease. There could be videos of Bobby and his family living in someone’s back yard shed followed with close-ups of his hair lipped sister and legless dad. After that an interview with a family that just lost a kid to the same disease. My initial, scientific estimate is 100,000 donations for a cool $10 Mill. After I get the $10 mill, I’ll get some purple drank, some hoes and do anal – on them you perverts.
An hour of bill belichick smiles
http://media3.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/photo/2008/01/03/PH2008010302517.jpg
Ape interviewing Jerome Bettis. You drink every time Detroit is mentioned. Alcohol poisoning.
“nonunion Mexican Darth Vader equivalent”
That may be the funniest, most accurate thing you’ve ever written.
My Show? Rachel McAdams in a matching sheer bra and panties playing with her hair. Specifically, her hair from Red Eye. One hour.
Celebrity Clothes Auction Off…
Hot Female Celebrity, comfortable in her own skin. We do it like the old Jerry Lewis telethons. So picture this…
Christina Hendricks on stage. If you want her to take off a shoe – $50. Second shoe -$100. Dress $1000. Bra $25,000. Panties $50,000. (Has to go in order) (Good charity…www.vfoundation.com)…so people bid to get her completely naked.
Sell the basic package for $100, and then anyone can call and “place an order ” so to speak.
Forcing Stuart Scott to re-enact the Honey Badger’s roll in “Honey Badger vs. Cobra.”
30 minute three way with me Mandy Moore and Allison Brie. Narrated by Keith Davis. The last half and hour, an episode of east bound and down.
“Sex on the reg!”
Nothing but lingering closeups of gross, sloppy, alcohol-soaked loogies dangling over sleeping infants… with each either getting sucked back at the last possible second, or the camera shot cutting away.
Shouldn’t the tag be, losing Lebron and gaining Jake Delhomme is like coming out even?
I’d hand a microphone to Rex Ryan and give him no instructions other than to fill up the hour.
A solid hour of Woody Paige making out with a new woman every five minutes. It would be like a car accident. You don’t want to look, but you can’t look away.
I’d have Morgan Freeman and James Earl Jones read short stories.
A fucking Deer Hunter Celebrity Russian Roulette style game with Glenn Beck, Keith Olberman, Rush Limbaugh, Oprah Winfrey, Sarah Palin, Jim Cramer, Bud Selig, LeBron James, The entire on air staff of ESPN ( minus the skinny chicks who will all chill with me ). And the game doesn’t stop until they are all plugged in the noggins. The gun used will also be one of those giant .50 revolvers not some pussy pistol. I want to see insane amounts of brain and skull flying everywhere upon discharge.
Plow Gloria James
/Delonte West’d
I will say horrible things about the jews, and people will call me brave
/Cartman’d
30 minutes of Lexington Steele doing my wife’s former(?) lover up the ass while she watches his sphinter bleed. I’ll be donig play-by-play with my bong, a bottle of Gran Marnier, and a 12 pack of Dogfish IPA . Background music: Fuck the Pain Away. 20 minute montage of every fucknut celebrity adulterer (Tiger, John Edwards, Gary Hart, Elliott Spitzer, Mark Sanford, etc) confessing/apologizing. Background music: Amazing Grace (her favorite). 10 minutes of Morgan Freeman reciting the 10 commandments. Background Music: Fanfare for the Common Man (ELP long version). Sweet release
I would make Jerome Bettis and JaMarcus Russell have a hot dog eating contest, and loser gets shot in the head.
Do I get to preempt some networks, a la presidential addresses?
“Hey, America– here’s the last episode of ‘The Wire,’ performed as a puppetshow by my ballsac. Enjoy!”
Berman, Stu Scott, and Tom Jackson in leather gimp costumes being physically abused by a squad of super hot dominatrixes.
I think I’d just get really, really drunk on shots of jack and start every sentence “now see, the problem with Jews…”
Kim Kardashian, Beyonce and Vida Guerra discussing string bikinis and trying them on for one solid hour. Whos cares what they say, as long as they try on as many as humanly possible…while we get to watch…beer in one hand…and cawk in the other.
/Excuse me for 10 minutes
An hour-long pictorial/video clip recap of every sexy friday ever posted on this site, set to the soundtrack of the best of Drew’s songs that would make him run through a brick wall from the jamboroo. shit, I could do this with the mac photo screensaver with itunes running in the background …. right now …. hmmm
The Gus Johnson Flip Cup idea is genius. I’d probably get super drunk/stoned and show America all my tattoos and tell everyone what they MEAN to me, brah.
I’d break a pool cue in half, give a piece each to Kornheiser and Wilbon and have them fight to the death. The fight takes place in Texas, and the winner is promptly tried, convicted, and ordered to be executed despite overwhelming proof of mental retardation.
One hour of Stu Scott fellating NBA players.
/That already airs weekly?
Okay, A one hour episode of Between Two Ferns in which Rex Ryan, Ray Lewis’ baby mamas, and Joe Namath are the guests.
I would have the “Rex Ryan Power Hour”. Basically, Rex Ryan doing a one hour workout video. It would kick Billy Blanks’s ass.
Single greatest collection of TV show ideas evarrr.
Seriously, we need some copyrights.
A re-enactment of the goings on at Mad Dog Kennelz with Vick’s entourage playing the parts of the dogs
I wasn’t gonna CTRL-F this but… Have the actual players that KSK mocks (Rex, Pacman, Wade and Jerry, Mike Irvin, Ocho and Marvin etc) read the greatest skits from KSK, as chosen by us loyal commenters.
Enrico Pallazzo’s idea is awesome. And also whomever came up with the Christina Hendricks and the baby oil tub: Awsomesauce!!!
Smurftastic: Gus Johnson commentating a flip cup tournament.
Hahaha that’d be hilarious
An MST3K-style show with Ricky Gervais and Louis CK watching two episodes of Entourage.
“How Much Coke Can the 1992 Dallas Cowboys and their Owner do in One Hour? We’ll Find Out Tonight, Live on NFL Network!”
@ StuScott
Only two hours? I’d give that fat fuck a transfusion if I had to and make the beating last 2 days.
Then sell it as a mini-series to HBO. No way it isn’t the highest draw in HBO history.
/probably make it an ESPN instant classic too
Only three?
Celebrity Russian Roulette, starring Justin Bieber, Lady Gaga, Rihanna, Beyonce, Ke$ha and the inventor of the vuvuzela. The twist: three bullets instead of one.
Gus Johnson commentating a flip cup tournament.
I would dress as Sarah Palin and abuse myself.
RE Tank Bricklayer says:
‘Survivor: Mogadishu’
Now, THAT I would watch…
An episode of “The View,” but the studio audience is replaced with hungry grizzly bears. And the studio doors are locked from the outside.
“Drunken Chef”. I always wanted to get shit-all drunk and show the world how to grill cumin rubbed pork chops with serrano chile/pineapple salsa.
Then I would blaze up and play drunken blues guitar. Pretty much describes an average Saturday.
Skip Bayless beating Stephen A. Smith to death with a shovel.
1 hour long plug for DickTowel.com
My best friend and I sitting across the room from each other, having a staring contest with Stuart Scott.
More their facial reactions than the actual mb’in
‘Survivor: Mogadishu’
Or an hour of well endowed celebrities getting motorboated
Benny Hill women running around in fast motion for one hour with no commercial interruptions. Sponsors can advertise World Cup style with their logo in the bottom right-hand corner of the screen.
SYTYCDINAAD?
So you think you can dance in an adult diaper
I’d spend the hour discussing the major issues of my campaign, and explaining the national debt to Americans in an easy-to-understand way, using several charts and graphs to make my point clear. Of course, I’m H. Ross Perot.
They could just run an hour of last nights “Decision,” but with clown music playing in the background and Buzz Bissinger commenting.
It would be three women playing leapfrog in a meadow for 1 hour
New Game Show: Marry, Fuck, or Kill?
With live follow-through.
First guests: Orenthal Simpson deciding among Lindsey Lohan, Paris Hilton, and Britney Spears.
The Sex Cannon Rex Grossman IS…. The Bachelor.
i’d plan for an hour of grissom from csi making quips about pey-pey’s forehead.
*grissom sits down in a recliner across from peyton manning*
‘a man with his dead siamese twin dangling from his face. i guess that means the colts are always playing with’…*puts on sunglasses*…’12 men on the field.’
@J4B: Just doing my part for the cause, my man.
I would air the highlights from the last decade of Buffalo Bills football, then for the remaining 58 minutes I go with Derricks advice of boobs, boobs and more boobs
FIREWORKS!
Simpsons reruns.
I’d display all of my Guitar Hero guitars, firearms, clips and ammunition for all the world to see. Then I’d strip down to my briefs and lay on my bed, posed with my arsenal, and let the ladies come to me.
Everything after Lawrence’s comment is irrelevant.
But I’d like to recreate Mad Men with chimps. Lancelot Link style.