An aged and desperate Terrell Owens has been signed by the Bengals to a one-year deal to replace the gimpy Antonio Bryant. Owens, a noted suicidal troublemaker with a penchant for roster insurrection, joins Adam “formerly Pacman” Jones, Cedric Benson, Matt Jones, Rey Maualuga, Tank Johnson and Chad Ochocinco to form the first-ever reality show about getting DUIs while doing cocaine in the back seat with underage girls who are holding your weapons cache and getting into a fight with your bodyguard. Also: making it rain Sun Chips. I think that covers all the bases of requisite jokes.
Sorry, I know this announcement is supposed to be more fun. Like, WOW, how can all these volatile components exist together without an orgy of orgies? But I don’t know. It’s set up like Dinner For Schmucks, in that there’s just such a purposeful overabundance of things that are really supposed to be funny that it renders everything banal and sad. Which is sorta fitting for Cincinnati.
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Lets hope TO blows an ACL…..I am tired of hearing his loudmouth BS…My favorite TO moment…”THAT’S MY TEAMMATE….THAT’S MY QUARTERBACK” behind glasses and crying…..TO + loudmouth PUNK…The NFL will be a better place when he is gone…….
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Speaking of Wade and Jerry – we definitely need some updates there.
Slackers.
Marvin Lewis, Ocho Cinco, Pacman Jones and now T.O. This has a possibility to become a better reoccuring sketch on KSK than Wade and Jerry in its heyday.
As an AFC north/Steelers fan, I have to say that I like Ochocinco and CPalmer, but, fuck me, it hurt my head to read all that shit that **Rage typed out. Include a dickjoke or something. If I want opinions, I’ll tune into Adam Schefter Reports.
/congrats Panthers for inking Clausen…you’re fucked.
@ Rage….Let me guess you’re a Bengals fan? I just want to say thanks for all the laughs your team has provided the NFL the last couple of years.
Headline should read: T.O. joins Adam “Pacman” Jones, Cedric Benson, Matt Jones, Rey Maualuga, Tank Johnson and Chad Ochocinco in Cincinatti rounding out the cast for “The Longest Yard 2: The Guards Win”
set phasers for Vainglory
I agree, it’s so ridiculous that driving a vehicle when your chances of killing someone are exponentially higher than driving when not under the influence does not make someone a bad guy.
/I also vote for a mulligan
Verdict: tl; dr
@**Rage: Let me assume that you are new here and don’t know the intent of this site. Go back to beginning, and figure out what our esteemed bloggers and purveyors of poon are doing, then try again. We’re more than happy to give you a mulligan on this one.
Wow, that’s deserving of a prominent place in the Monkey Business overlong hyperventilating homer comment Hall of Shrill. Congrats.
Very rarely do I read an article and just say . . . “Wow . . . what fucking ignorance”, but that was my response to this article. Let me dissect this for a few minutes . . . .
Pacman Jones – I can’t really defend having him on our roster for ethical reasons, but we are paying the guy the league minimium . . . if he doesn’t prove to be an all-star in training camp, Bengals drop him, no question. But more likely than not, he will be a tremendous help on special teams as a returner, and the moment he gets into trouble with the law, if he’s still dumb enough, he will be cut the next day. Verdict: SMART pick-up with up-side, although certainly bad for short-term P.R.
Cedric Benson – Guy hasn’t been convicted of any crimes since the Bengals snagged him at bargain basement price . . . he proved the Bears wrong by having an AFC Pro-Bowl year, racking up over 1,300 yards despite missing several games with a hip injury. And they still have yet to owe him big money, while he continues to churn our first downs. Verdict: BRILLIANT pick-up
Matt Jones – Grabbed him for league minimum, and more likely than not, he won’t even be a member of the team when Week 1 rolls around. So I don’t think the Bengals rep for “hoodlums” and “criminals” should be based on this guy. And let’s be honest, who doesn’t like ripping lines of cocaine and drinking beers on the golf course? Is that actually worse than taking PED’s / steroids like Shawn Merriman? Verdict: Non-factor
Rey Maualuga – The guy had a DUI, so what. Does that make him a thug, criminal, bad guy? I don’t think so. Every single one of us knows someone who has been convicted of DUI. He went to rehab, hopefully cleaned up his act, and will continue to develop as a solid NFL linebacker for the Bengals Top 5 defense. Verdict: GREAT value draft-pick. One-time mistake due to addiction to alcohol, which he seems to be working to resolve. Can’t knock him for that, and can’t knock the team for drafting him or keeping him.
Tank Johnson – Hasn’t been in any trouble since he was released by the Chicago Bears years ago. . mind you, they dropped him for a supposed DUI when it turned out that he was actually under the legal limit. It demonstrates a complete lack of creativity / independent thinking by this KSK writer when you have to reach back more than 3 years ago to find an example of this guy being an idiot. Look at the present asshole. Verdict: SOLID player for Zimmer’s defense, but more than anything, he is longer the dumbass that got busted with assault rifles 4years ago, so why are we even still talking about this???
Chad Ochocinco – I’m speechless here. The guy doesn’t drink alcohol, doesn’t go out to clubs, has NEVER been in trouble with the law since he entered the NFL. Yeah he’s loud-mouthed, neurotic, and has an obsessive compulsive desire to be liked by everyone . . . . but the guys works his ass to be a great NFL wide receiver, and at the end of the day truly cares about winning football games. How is he even in this conversation? Verdict: I don’t want to dignify this article with a formal response.
- WHO DEY
Funniest part is steelers are lucky to finish 3rd in this division of clowns
Any tomfoolery and JT O’Sullivan will take them down to the shipyards for some fisticuffs.
@tomlinson’s pain tolerance
original dysfunctional franchise? i’m pretty sure that Al Davis wrote the manual on dysfunction.
This is literally the best thing. Even if my team is horrible, they’ll still be entertaining as hell.
The AFC North should be renamed the Attention Whore/Criminal Division. I defy you to find a division with more criminals playing for its teams.
I hope they win the Superbowl.
It would give me the excuse I have been looking for to snap and gun all of them down in cold blood/sweet justice.
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With Chad and TO on the same field, I’m thinking we may see football’s version of the Bermuda Triangle, where well-aimed passes, routes over the middle, and all criticism simply disappear. . .
Agreed with Ape, this signing doesn’t feel like a joyous occasion. It feels more watching the ship go down when you know there aren’t enough lifeboats.
+~ infinity, Robut M. Nixon
never thought that i’d wish a team other than the jets would be on hard knocks this year
@Animal Mother
I don’t know about “normal”. I was just thinking how sad it is that he didn’t get to be a part of this legendary incarnation of the Bengals.
Are they already trying to remake the 2005 opus ‘The Longest Yard’? Damn, time flies fast when your city is a shithole.
Who would ever imagine that Chris Henry would be the closest thing to normal on this team?
/too soon?
Is this what they call NFL parity? Throw all the crazies on one team so the rest of the league can remain somewhat normal?
Al Davis is pissed…”Fuck it, get me a 1st round bust. I heard that Ja’marmalade QB was cut.”
You say that as though Carson Palmer were still good, or even an integral part of the Bengals success.
/Save your love for Mike Zimmer
Cincinnati Circus Baby!!! The fines racked up will be worth the TDs, but I must say I’m pumped for the Marvin/Chad/TO/Pacman/O’Sullivan entries. This team will kill, unless Kimo Von Oelhoffen comes back…
Ah, the Bungles never cease to amuse me with their bungholery. As if having one of the most overrated overhyped media whore prima donnas in football on the team wasn’t enough, they have to go out and get his retarded cousin.
Christmas comes early, Ape. An exponential increase in the volume of parody material within the division.
All that, and Peter King gets to run an ultramarathon (saying he would if TO signed with the Bengals). Already recommended a double-or-nothing bet on TO making it through the season without a bench yell-fest with his QB or a disciplinary suspension.
Ocho, T.O, and Marvin. For…..the…..Mother…..Fucking……Win.
North Kentucky, you just got yourself a winner.
This team needs a good old-fashioned Who concert.
+1 Robut M. Nixon
@Stanley Wilson’s Baggie
Who are you kidding the Bengals are the NFL’s original disfunctional franchise. I don’t think the majority of America knew you could get a BUI (boating under the influence) until Eric Steinbach took his pontoon out on the Ohio River. That being said: Marvin Lewis must be on suicide watch having to lead this group of pricks.
That (Photoshopped?) pic of TO is almost bad as PirateSloth’s clown.
Sadly, that’s not photoshopped. Owens modeled in a fashion show and actually looked like that.
What did Carson Palmer do in a previous life to deserve all this crap? Was he a serial killer or something?
All we can do is hope his girlfriend has a smart mouth and a pickup truck.
when your team is in a division with rapists, stabbers, and the browns, you have to keep your game stepped up to stand out. my prediction-maurice clarett drops out of the ohio state university after a phone call from the mirrored shades bossman of the steelers.
purposeful overabundance? whoa whoa Ape, it’s not even the pre-season yet.
Where’s the nightmare fuel tag? That (Photoshopped?) pic of TO is almost bad as PirateSloth’s clown.
The next “Ocho and Marvin” should be quite a thing.
Cowboys-lite, this team aint winning shit.
Kudos to the proper use of ‘Gulag’. The meaning of which I had to look up.
The Bengals are now Goodell’s favorite team. He likes to call them Goodell’s Gulag.
You should have tried to work in a reference to an “energy drink for your feet”, but fine effort nonetheless. I imagine JT O’Sullivan’s diary entries this year will resemble Rudyard Kipling crossed with Captain Willard’s monologues from Apocalypse Now.