In an effort to regain control of his team, Bengals coach Marvin Lewis decides to take the drastic step of bringing volatile wideout Chad Ocho Cinco into his home in a spirited attempt to get the two men to understand one another.

Marvin: Hey, Chad! Chad! Get down here! We got OTA’s! I need you ready to go!



Ocho: Nuh nuh, Coach. Can’t do it. Can’t do it. I got a tapin’.

Marvin: What?

Ocho: My reality show! They are filming my reality! Everything you see up on that screen will be REAL AS SHIT. But listen Coach, don’t you worry. I’m real excited for this season. It’s gonna be Ocho’s third reality show in a row! That’s a record! That’s Hall of Fame numbers! And gettin’ Pacman to join the cast? That’s just the POOPY!

Marvin: He didn’t join a cast. He’s on the team.

Ocho: “Cast.” In the industry, we call it a “cast”. That’s some lingo and shit.

Marvin: No, you’re getting everything confused. I don’t know why I’m pointing this out to you, given that you’re always confused.

Ocho: Well, shit shanaynay. You know what I like about Pacman joining the cast? It brings in that gamer element. Baby boonglers looooove that Pacman shit. And young people like the games too! So now we’ll get a whole new demo of these nerdy motherfuckers coming to watch our show!

And people will love seeing me trying to talk to Pacman! I’ll be like, “Pacman, you wanna go to the store and light some macaroni on fire?” And Pacman will be like ABABABABABABA. And I’ll say, “Pacman, can you help me wash this midget?” And Pacman will be like ABABABABABABA. Then he’ll run away and eat cherries and shit.

Marvin: Okay, the Pacman you’re referring to is the video game Pacman. The Pacman we signed is Adam Jones, a cornerback who doesn’t actually like to go by that nickname anymore.

Ocho: Uh uh. They said PACMAN SIGNS WITH BENGALS on my phone. That means we got the REAL Pacman. That muthaphuckka is gonna eat the Steelers UP! Big Ben ain’t gonna have no time to skeet in those white people bars with Pacman draped on his fat ass!

Marvin: We didn’t sign Pacman the video game character. It’s a fictional character. It’s not even a character. It’s a fucking yellow circle. It can’t play football.

Ocho: But it could.

Marvin: No, it couldn’t.

Ocho: But it could.

Marvin: No, it couldn’t.

Ocho: But it could.

Marvin: No, it couldn’t.

Ocho: But it could!

Marvin: No, it couldn’t! It’s not real. It’s a two dimensional graphic.

Ocho: Well, why couldn’t a two-directional graham cracker play football? I seen Pacman chase down those ghosts! YOU ALWAYS SAID WE NEED BETTER CLOSING SPEED! Think of the possibilities with real Pacman in the fold. And that’s not even counting some of the other free agents out there! Like Super Mario! You see that guy jump? Ain’t no Italian cracker EVER jump like that.

Marvin: Again, not a real person.

Ocho: And Link! That little Zelda gay dude! THAT BITCH GOT HEART. LOTS OF THEM!

Marvin: Not a real person.

Ocho: Master Chief! BLAM BLAM BLAM!

Marvin: Not a real person.

Ocho: My Hero! Watch this cracka kick!

Marvin: Not a real person.

Ocho: Pfft. What do YOU know? You ain’t ever worked in TV. I worked on “Dancing With The Stars,” okay? NUMBER ONE SHOW ON TV. I know how this shit works, daddy dee! I think you should put me in charge of directing the season.

Marvin: Football teams have coaches. And the season isn’t scripted.

Ocho: But it should be! Think of it, Coach. It’s the fourth quarter of our divisional playoff series against the Jets. You remember how Darrelle Revis tricked everyone into thinking he shut me down last year?

Marvin: He did.

Ocho: THAT WAS ALL IN THE SCRIPT! Don’t you get it? This is what we call a STORY ARCH. Now, Revis thinks he owned my shit, but I got surprise for him next season, when that muthaphuckka is seduced by the lovely Tiphani, the finest piece of Nubian pussy in my entire TV harem! Revis can’t cover me when she’s busy pooping on his staircase!

Marvin: Okay, I’ve had just about enough of this. I’m tired of you doing these reality shows. You’re dedicating too much time to them and NOT to football.

Ocho: I can’t help it, Coach! THIS IS MY REALITY. YOU CAN’T HANDLE MY TRUTH. You see that shit on TV? That is real. That is happening. I can’t prevent the real. Like right now!

(shows Marvin camera)

Ocho: See? The camera is there for OUR reality show! That’s the only way something can be REAL!

Marvin: You’re filming this?

Ocho: Not me. GOD.

Marvin: You’re an idiot.

Ocho: You know what I love about Tiphani? Her name. It’s so classy and upholsterated. That’s why I’m changing my first name to Kphrade. No more phucking around for me!

Marvin: How do you pronounce Kphrade?

Ocho: Like “Chad”. The KPHR is silent. Silent letters be creepin’!

Marvin: HOLY SHIT. YOU FUCKING LUMP OF A HUMAN BEING. YOU’RE SO FUCKING STUPID, I CAN FEEL MYSELF GETTING CANCER JUST FROM HEARING YOU SPEAK. THAT’S HOW DUMB YOU ARE. YOU’RE SO FUCKING IDIOTIC, IT’S TOXIC. CHILDREN WILL DIE BECAUSE YOU SAID PACMAN THE VIDEO GAME CHARACTER CAN PLAY ON A FOOTBALL FIELD.

Ocho: Oooh! Oooh! What about those Space Invaders? Imagine having that guy in the secondary, shooting down passes!

Marvin: THAT IS NOT A REAL PERSON AND THE FACT THAT I CAN’T EVER EXPLAIN IT TO YOU IN A WAY THAT YOU WILL RETAIN MAKES YOU THE MOST DEVELOPMENTALLY CHALLENGED PERSON IN THE HISTORY OF EARTH. EVEN RETARDS CAN LEARN, CHAD. IT MAY TAKE THEM TEN YEARS TO LEARN TO USE A SPOON, BUT THEY WILL LEARN. YOU, ON OTHER HAND, WILL ONLY GET FUCKING DUMBER, WITH YOUR TIPHANIS AND YOUR MASTER CHIEFS AND ALL YOUR STUPID BULLSHIT. I FUCKING HATE YOU. DIE.

Ocho: What about Ms. Pacman? What if we signed her? I could propose to her on the sideline. And then later on, I break that bitch in half!

(door flies open)

Pacman: CHUH CHUH. Pacman sez you cain’t break dat bitch cuz Ms. PM be HIZ BITCH. She chomp Pacman’s dik all night. Bullee dat. Pacman down wid it. Pacman gon shine. He gon give Ms. PM dat banana, den he gon find dat Lara Croft and raid her womb. And then Pacman gon drank. O HE GON DRANK. YOU THANK HE AIN’T GON DRANK? PACMAN SAY AIN’T NO DRANK DRANK UNTIL HE PUT THAT BITCH DOWN TO SLEEP. HE GON CHOP DAT PUSSY LIKE THA BUTCHA MAN.

Marvin: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.