Glorious television. It’s always there when you need it, it never asks anything of you, and today it’s the inspiration for another KSK Commenter Draft. This week you’ll be picking a supporting character from any scripted television show (past or present) who you would want to be. The idea is that you’d live out this character’s life in whichever era he or she existed.
We’ll start things off with Kramer, because I’ve always wanted to punch Mickey Mantle.
Aaaaaaaand…go!
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Morris O’Brien from 24. He got to bang Chloe.
Larry from Three’s Company. Oh, what’s that, he’s already been drafted six times? My bad. Man, I’m such an idiot that I still can’t figure out how to find text on a web page. Ctrl-F?
Roger Lococo from Wiseguy
Ed Wuncler III
trust fund, ability to never get arrested, and having Samuel L. Jackson as your sidekick…..done
BTW: I loved the Cosgrove pick. If you can’t be Don Draper, and you can’t be Roger Sterling…
But don’t forget about Fred Rumsen. Who hasn’t fantasized about getting fired for being so drunk that you actually piss yourself and pass out at your desk? Barely functional alcoholsism FTW
Boyd Crowder was an inspired pick, but dude, he’s all fucked up (See: Uncle Ruckus without the funny)
But how the hell did my pick slip by? From Chuck: Captain Mutha-fuckin AWESOME! Doctor. Part-time spy. Tapping Chuck’s sister… Stationary bike in the living room (“Honey, this body didn’t get this way on accident”)???
Moar?
Dammit, people already took Bender, Butters, and Randy Marsh. I’m gonna go with Josh McDaniels mouth, cuz it supports Tim Tebow’s cock. Also, someone picked James Bond, which leads to the question, “are you fucking retarded?”
Jackie Chiles from Seinfeld. He hauls in the money as a lawyer, he didn’t tell you to put the balm on, and he winds up with Teri Hatcher back when her tits were real and spectacular.
Clegg from Eastbound & Down. Spent his “college years” following Widespread. Only rocks the choice nugs though. Blows rails with Kenny Powers on the reg. Owner/operator of Sha-Boom Sha-Booms. Probably gets to ride bitch on the “Panty Dropper” (Kenny’s notorious jetski). Also has 24 hour access to Kenny’s dental dam.
Murray Hewitt.
…present.
Amy Cassidy from Bosom Buddies. RIP Wendie Jo Sperber.
Cyril Figgis from Archer
He works for a global espionage agency, is so well hung that he’s looking to have an “ensmallment” surgery done, and gets to tap Lana Kane’s ass.
/The Monarch, Bender, Brock Sampson, and Uncle Ruckus were all taken
//I don’t know why my preferences are all animated characters.
Creed Bratton from The Office.
How the hell is he still on the board? This is a goddamn steal!
Bob Loblaw. Only because I get to lob a law bomb on my law blog.
Master Shake from Aqua Teen Hunger Force
Deputy S. Jones, ‘Reno 911′. Gun-playin’, tail pullin’ dude right there.
What? Fuck you!
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Joe Biden, but only if he really is like the Onion makes him out to be.
What? C-SPAN is on TV.
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David Putty from Seinfeld, just so I could use ‘the move’ on Elaine.
The professor from Gilligan’s Island.
LARRY DALLAS: Jack Tripper’s Wingman
Played by a human: The British roommate Lloyd from the show Undeclared.
But the real answer is Casey Jones from Ninja Turtles.
Brock Samson. Venture bros.
I’ll see your Uncle Ruckus, and raise you A Pimp Named Slickback, Phil.
meatwad… both physically and emotionally indestructible.
@Phil: That pick was inspired.
If I didn’t have to leave work I would have picked Caesar from Boondocks because little Jasmine needs to learn more about the Brooklyn Zoo.
Dr. Simon Tam from Firefly. Crazy-ass sister will kill for you, and you get to nail Jewel Staite. Plus, there’s an insanely hot hooker on board.
/big ol’ nerd
//didn’t get laid until grad school
///shows self out
I think Hank Moody wins. I’ll go with Jackson Teller, Sons of Anarchy.
10 and a half hours in and I’m still on the board?
/pulls out rocket launcher
Sam Ax is a great pick. He would be my number one. Since he is taken, as is Bender Bending Rodriguez, I am leaning towards Sergeant Angel Batista from Dexter. You’re in Miami, you’d be a cop, you get to sleep with some hot latina women, and you’re friends with a serial killer who likes you.
Second pick would be Seymour from Burn Notice. You’re a gun dealer, you’re rich, you have a bodyguard/smoothie maker, live in a mansion, and have hot girls around your pool at all times.
Jeff + Lester = Jeffster from Chuck.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Nwb8z_Iexc
beat me to it Phil…and you’re right
Uncle Ruckus. You can all stop now.
Dylan McKay from the original 90210. So deep. So dreamy. So Dylan. Plus, bangs prime Doherty.
I’ll go with Ted Dibiase Jr for my second pick. Born with a silver spoon in my mouth, I’m the million dollar champion AND I’ll currently having lots of sex with Maryse. Life is good.
Ed McMahon.
Well, time to tally up my draft.
1. Bender from Futurama (seems to be the envy of the KSKommunity)
2. Keith from Andy Richter Controls the Universe(jumped the gun – decent pick but obscure enough that he’d still be on the board even now)
3. Todd from Beavis and Butt-Head (terrible pick – I regret this)
4. Assistant U.S. Attorney David Vasquez from Justified (meh)
5. Daniel Meade from Ugly Betty (great value this far down)
Not my best draft, by far, but taking home Bender makes it into a solid week.
Lurr from Omicron Persei 8
Dwight K. Shrute
from the office
the guy owns a beet farm bed and breakfast
“Duke Phillips, The Critic”
This man is brilliant, bring him a debutant.
PS: Zack, you’re a fag.
Is Pat Summerall taken?
James Bond. /discussion.
Wow, FAVREFAIL makes fun of House but then references some lame-ass anime show minutes later? That seems reasonable…
Fuck it. I’ll go again.
Jackin4beats made an inspired pick with Hawk from “Spencer For Hire”, so I’ll pick the next best Hawk: the hawk man (named Hawk) on “Buck Rogers”, if only for a chance at getting down with Erin Gray. Also, this Hawk is a damn sight better than Hawkeye from “M*A*S*H”.
Ben the Grizzly Bear from “The Life and Times of Grizzly Adams”. Being a 1,000-pound Ursus Horribilis means you don’t take shit from anybody, you eat and fuck whenever the hell you want and the Indians worship you. Sleeping through the winter sounds good, too.
Call me a fag for even known who this character is, but I’ll go with Daniel Meade from Ugly Betty. Aside from banging every pretty much every model that walks through the front door of the offices to the magazine my family owns, I’ve also banged Salma Hayek, Lucy Liu, AND Gabrielle Union.
TC and/or Rick. Possibly Higgins.
I know I already picked a Weeds character but – Doug Wilson ‘Weeds’. I would love to get away with being that much of a degenerate.
@ Slothrop – Edison Cod, fuckin’ a. Jealous of the pick.
Maybe he rode his job?
I haven’t seen a call for Luther Van Dam from Coach. Road his assistant job all the way to the NFL with the Orlando Breakers
Teddy from Full House. He had years to work on Michelle Tanner. DJ and Stephanie were older chicks to him. But you know he’d go over just for Aunt Becky
Commander Chakotay from Star Trek Voyager. I’d want Seven of Nine to assimilate me if you know what I’m sayin’…and I think you do.
Ugh, I’m late ot the party so forgive me if someone has already suggested this one: Orko from He-Man can be the only real choice. Obviously.
Jordan McDeere from Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. Fuck the world for not watching that show and getting it cancelled. Also I’d run my own network and look like Amanda Peete. Win.
Pick #2: Joe Pena from “Que Pasa USA?”
What? No love for Miami since Lebron happened?
By the way, Joe Pena = Manolo from ‘Scarface’…the guy that boned Tony’s sister.
Any of the No Ma’am cronies from Married w/ Children. Emphasis on Jefferson, Bob Rooney, and the Cop.
Shane from the L Word. Sex with Sarah Shahi for 2 seasons? Yes please.
B.A. Baracus from the original A-Team (that counts as a supporting character, right? Wasn’t the van the main character of the show anyways?). Jakked, always rocking some pimp jewelry, reprimanding people for talking a whole lotta jibba-jabba and pitying fools. Bonus points for getting to go on and make those “Nightelf Mohawk” commercials later on in life.
With my fourth pick I’ll take Assistant U.S. Attorney David Vasquez from Justified. He just seems cool.
Charlie from “Charlies Angels”
Before sexual harrassment was taken seriously I think I could get at least one of the Angels in the sack.
Clay Davis from The Wire. Sheeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiiiiiit!
I didnt see anyone say it so I will: Co-stan-za. George, that is. Someone picked Frank. How awesome would it be to be George? Have a sweet job in the sports world where you essentially do nothing, be overweight and balding yet still get laid constantly….sounds like heaven to me.
Framboise from Archer. She’s like, the Pele of anal.
Jason Stackhouse from “True Blood” – there’s an inordinate amount of hot tail in Bon Temps, and it all seems to gravitate his way. Plus, taking down the preacher’s hot wife gets major points
Morn from Deep Space 9
Rainier Wolfcastle from the Simpsons. Sleeps on a pile of money with many beautiful ladies
Bulldog Briscoe on Frasier… have my own sports talk show and liase with Roz. Bra-vo.
@Tymo – winner.
@ TH/DeSean Is My Anti-Drug – very nice.
And since everyone that I would really want to be is gone – I’ll probably just have to go ahead and pick Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth…
/ spares one doomsday device
// is still feared
For ‘real’ tv show – Mayor Randall M Winston Jr.
Lucille Bluth. Rich, drunk all day, maid, doesn’t have to hang out with husband all day, complete disregard for children and those around her, and still gets banged on the regular? WIN.
Leo McGarry from the West Wing. Being a recovering alcoholic sucks but he took no shit and could persuade the President to do anything.
I can’t decide between Jazz from Fresh Prince and Jazz from Transformers!