During our first NFL offseason writing this blog, we came to understand the grueling boredom of writing about football when no football games were being played. In order to stay motivated, we regularly watch animal death porn in a segment we like to call KILL KILL KILL. Today: the African honey badger, also known as the Ratel.
Let’s get this out of the way right now: don’t read this without watching the video above first. Watch it now. Stop reading.
I said stop fucking reading and watch the video.
It’s okay, I’ll wait.
*whistles the theme to Disney’s animated Robin Hood*
We good? Okay. Let’s talk about the honey badger.
Holy shit! No, seriously: HOLY FUCKING SHIT. That’s a fucking pissed-off animal. It’s like a Skip Bayless column with fur and teeth and claws (and a spine). What kind of digging mammal CLIMBS A TREE TO FIGHT A COBRA?
But the last part of the video is by far and away the baddest-ass of non-stop badassery. I’ll let Badass of the Week describe it:
By far the most incredible aspect of the clip is when the Honey Badger takes on a super-deadly African Puff Adder. Now, the Puff Adder is one of the most murder-tastic snakes on the entire continent. One of these vipers possesses enough venom to kill 4 or 5 men, and they are so violent, toxic, and aggressive that they routinely account for more human fatalities than any other African snake. But the Honey Badger doesn’t give a crap – he comes across a puff adder that is eating a rat, and his first instinct is to run up, grab the rat out of the snake’s mouth, carry it a few feet away, and then eat the rat right in front of the snake just to show the adder that he’s a bitch. After eating the stolen meal, the Badger than decides, “Screw it, now I’m going to eat this damn snake too.” This really takes being an asshole to another level, which is something I can appreciate. The adder and the Ratel fight, and the Honey Badger kills the viper, but not before being bitten in the face and pumped full of enough venom to kill a creature three times its size. The Badger succumbs to the poison, falls unconscious, but then – amazingly – somehow comes back to life and continues devouring the already-half-eaten snake.
So. Fucking. Hardcore. Bitch, you best get outta the way. Honey badger ain’t care.
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Rex Ryan keeps three of those things as pets. I hope.
So… I guess the Honey Badger is Glenn Clark, and the Puff Adder is anyone not wearing purple.
/I think the Honey Badger was just showing the cameraman his balls.
That animal is mental, it just don’t gives a fuck
Not mental, but that badger is so fucking metal. It should be called a Metal Badger.
That badger is so fucking metal. It should be called a Metal Badger.
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR! LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR! ………
You left out the best part from the BotW article ” That’s right, folks, this thing has been documented as killing male lions by running underneath them and tearing off their scrotums.”
JEEZUS CHRIST! Up until that, there’s still doubt about this thing’s badassery. I mean, sure it’s killing deadly animals and that’s cool, but you can assume it’s just a dumb animal that’s strong for its size and doesn’t know any better. But even the stupid know enough not to go after things bigger than themselves for giggles. It just don’t givafuck! Yeah, the lion outweighs it by oh, 25 times or so but the honey badger is just like, “Whatevs, I’ll just rip it’s nuts out, then we’ll see how tough it is.”
So whose new nickname is “Honey Badger?” Let’s think this through.
Did you see that things balls when he passed out and rolled over. Huge proportionally speaking.
Whoever the hell decided to name the X-Men’s Wolverine clearly didnt see this video. Hugh Jackman as the Honey Badger would be way more awesome.
This is the thing that lurks under the beds and in the closets of children. Holy Crap. According to wikipedia, this thing actually prefers to go after puff adders. I mean, this thing is so bad ass, it doesn’t even try to avoid one of the deadliest snakes, it actually walks up to it and bitch slaps it. Then eats it. Oh, and it uses tools. So, now we have a badass animal with tools.
@ Oh Chet:
Coach Ryan already decided, it’s Jim Leonhard.
The Metal Badgers (good call UU) single minded pursuit of food reminds me of Drew. His fearlessness, high activity level and badassery however, doesn’t remind me of Drew.
Continued proof that nature kicks ass.
@kanye east:
Fix yo post! Peezy is claiming the Honey Badger title.
Any chance we could get one of these things shipped to Favre’s house before his next press conference?
Duh, you always go with the badger. Badgers are fucking crazy.
Badger, my ass, it’s probably just Milhouse.
[thewildsource.com]
OK, I’ve reade enough. This thing is fucking hardcore like Private Pyle in the head. Only it doesn’t off itself at the end of the scene.
If this creature ever evolves opposable thumbs, we are so fucking screwed.
I study snakes, and the puff adder’s venom turns your blood into jello, stops your brain from communicating with the rest of your body, and causes tissue to rot at about 10,000% speed. And that fucking badger just took it TO THE FACE.
Is it illegal to arrange gladiator-style combat between animals that PETA doesn’t care about? Metal Badger vs. Killer Whale. Up next on Spike.
@UM…that is the first thing that popped into my head watching that, “Rex Ryan motivational tools. Vol. 1″
This settles it; I’m naming my first son Ratel.
/hopes he doesn’t already have an illegitimate son somewhere that is named something else
If reincarnation is real, God please, PLEASE turn me into a metal badger.
Also, I would greatly appreciate if, in my next performance evaluation at work, someone wrote “barely rests between kills.” Sadly, I don’t work at a job where there is a high probability of that happening.
It runs like a BTR-80 rolls and it’s related to WOLVERIIIIINESSSSS!!!
Fuck I love Badass of the Week. Been reading that site for years. Glad to see two of my favorite intarwebs blogs mixing.
I also love how it’s misnamed the “honey” badger because it’s not really interested in the honey. It just wants to eat all the bees’ offspring. Like Mike Tyson.
BERZERKER!!! BERZERKER!!!
The “honey” badger name is a bit of a misnomer. More like bad-mother-fucker badger, amiright?
/going to pet store to pick up a honey badger for the kiddos
That is badass incarnate. This thing could live off of small game and be perfectly fine, never risk its life in any way. But no, that’s not how a badass does it, he castrates lions, goes head on against snakes that practically qualify as death machines in their own right, and fucking tears open beehives and eats their children. It would eat your children too if it got the chance.
Apparently this thing also preys on crocodiles up to a meter in length? Fuck having a guard dog, I’ll take a few ravenous honey badgers to guard the home.
And now I have the perfect name for my kid’s t-ball team!
@miamidiesel it’s either that or “has a penchant for breaking down the house and eating the infants.”
Would this be a viable fantasy football team name?
What kind of digging mammal CLIMBS A TREE TO KILL AND EAT A COBRA?
(FIFY)
Awesome post. Fully awesome.
Somebody should try hunting them with eagles.
Theres gonna be a pissed off Bucky Honey Badger fuckin a Buckeye this October in Madtown.
SEE A HIVE.
RAPE THAT HIVE.
IGNORE THE HONEY.
EAT THE BABIES.
All adders are puffs!
Two additional notes from Wikipedia-
1. Honey Badgers rob graves for fun: “It has been rumored in Pakistan that this animal takes dead bodies from graves.”
2. Yeah, it eats snakes, de-nuts lions, and wrestles with 3-foot crocs. But surely a Honey Badger won’t mess with an Elephant, right? The fuck you say: “Top Gear presenter Richard Hammond includes a second hand account of a honey badger repeatedly attacking an elephant in his autobiographical book As You Do.”
That badger’s dynamite.
Metal Badgers are so fucking metal that their leading predators are themselves. That’s right, not content with hunting down and slaughtering the babies of nearly every other living thing on the African continent, the Ratel frequently cannibalize the young of their own species! That’s just good hustle right there. (Slaps Honey Badger on the ass, is instantly ripped to shreds and consumed)
So let’s recap. What we’ve got here is a metal bringing, rat-stealing, fuck you eating, tree-climbing cobra killing, puff adder venom taking, puff adder eating, puff adder venom off-shaking, puff adder continue eating, lion castrating, Killer-bee baby eating, own baby eating, crocodile fucking, elephant punching, grave robbing, bad ass badger.
This vid needs a SLAYER soundtrack like now.
@kimbo_gash: Screw hunting it with Eagles (unless you mean using Mike Vick!) I’d think the only proper way to hunt metal badgers is with a bazooka, that is if your crazy enough to get that close. Ideally it would be best to use a B-2 stealth bomber.
I don’t 100 percent agree on the post, but regardless a very well written post – I’ll link back from my Online Spanish Lesson web site in the blog roll, when I get time.
Rickey wonders, is it too late for the obligatory Honey Badger YouTube Remix?