Cashier: Okay, sir. You ordered the double bacon cheddar char angus burger with triple mayo, mac and cheese bites, extra large waffle fries, two parfaits and an apple pie. Is that correct?
Derek from Muncie: I think so, but did you do the bun like I asked?
Cashier: We don’t allow modifications to the menu items, sir. Besides, I’m not sure what you were referring to.
Derek: [Whips cut-out picture from wallet]
This! Grilled cheese for buns!
Cashier: I see. Well, it’s like I said: if it’s not already included as a menu item, I don’t think we can add that for you.
Derek: They have it at Friendly’s though.
Cashier:I’m sorry, sir. We don’t offer that specific menu item here.
Derek: But Friendly’s doesn’t have drive-thru and I don’t want to eat alone in the restaurant like a strange person. Look, shouldn’t you be taking the best practices of other places and applying it to your food? You could be getting tons of business you weren’t before.
Cashier: That’s not my decision to make, sir. Now, your total is –
Derek: Fine. Listen: whatever the total is, I’ll give you an extra $10 dollars to give me my grilled cheese buns. If you work this job you probably don’t make anything. $10 to you is like $1,000 to me. You wanna know how I gonna get so much money?
Cashier: Could we just move this al –
Derek: Well you should. Maybe you could learn something. Anyway, Vegas has the Colts over/under on wins at 11. Think of that, for a team that has won 12 or more games in seven straight seasons. That’s like them telling us to drive down to their crappy desert Shake ‘N’ Shakeless bum town and clean them out. You’d have to be as stupid as a Jaguars fan not to take advantage of that. Our franchise is better run because we’re smarter!
All the money I get from the bet, I’ll be able to do it up big for next Super Bowl in Dallas when the Colts hopefully don’t play a team that cheats with surprise onside kicks. I can’t believe the Rules Committee didn’t change that this year. I know they were focusing on the overtime stuff and that’s fine, but they were a year late on that, too. Polian should have had the OT changes wrapped up after we lost to the Chargers the second time. Maybe he’s lost his touch.
Cashier: That’s great. But I’m afraid we still don’t allow modifications to menu items.
Derek: What is wrong with you? Ten bucks! That’s like three weeks pay. C’mon, let’s do this.
Cashier: No, sir.
Derek: I can’t believe this. Lemme speak to your manager.
Cashier: [Sighs] As you wish. BILL!
Bill: What seems to be the problem, sir?
Derek: I offered your bone-headed welfare window lady here an extra $10 to give me grilled cheese buns and she said she wouldn’t do it. She should be chained to a blocking sled and raped from one endzone to the other by by Eric Foster. I demand you fire her this very instant.
Bill: Well, sir, it is company policy not to allow modifications to menu items. I’d be glad to give you this coupon good for one free small soda with the purchase of two combo meals if that’ll make everything okay.
Derek: You can’t buy my complacency! WHY DOES NO ONE KNOW HOW TO RUN ANYTHING! I COULD RUN THIS RESTAURANT BETTER THAN YOU LIKE I COULD RUN THE COLTS BETTER THAN BILL POLIAN! ALL OF HIS THIRD-ROUND PICKS ARE BUSTS! I DON’T CARE ABOUT THE REST OF HIS TRACK RECORD! I WANT TO CONTINUALLY FOCUS ON THIS ARCANE DETAIL! HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO BE A MARQUEE FRANCHISE WHEN WE CAN’T EVEN COUNT ON THIRD ROUND PICKS TO WORK OUT?! THE ONE WE GOT THIS YEAR IS ALREADY HURT! I TRIED TO WARN EVERYONE AND THEY WOULDN’T LISTEN TO ME!
Bill: [Motions to kitchen] Sir, you’re making a scene. If you persist in holding up the line and creating a disturbance, I will be forced to alert the authorities and have you removed from the premises. You will not be allowed to return to patronize this location again.
Derek: No! Anything but that! I’ll just take my food as is. Anything but having to drive to the next town over.
Bill: I’m glad we could work this out. That’ll be $15.46.
Derek: HEY MY PARFAITS ARE MELTED! YOU ALL ARE GODDAMN NEGLIGENT! REGGIE WAYNE’S LAZINESS HAS RUBBED OFF ON EVERYONE!
I want more like this!
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