That’s right. I shaved my head, in case you can’t tell by the big honking photo that your office manager down the hall has been creaming about for an hour. People don’t notice for four days when you get your hair cut, but when I do, it’s on front pages in places where they don’t even believe in Christ. This is big news, obviously. Anytime I do anything, it’s news, OF COURSE, but when I do stuff with my appearance, it’s extra big news. Because anything with photos is like easy pickins for media outlets, like for me when I play the Denver Donkeydicks.

Can we give this a rest? I been in camp not long enough to tell Norv he’s a goat scroat for a chin when all these leery media types start asking why? Why the bald head, Phil?

Easy: the same two reasons I do anything: ’cause God said so AND GET FUCKED, QUEERBAIT!

YOU WANT ANSWERS? WAIT ‘TIL I DROP FIVE FLOAT SCORES ON THE KANSAS CITY QUEEFS OPENING WEEK, THEN YOU’LL WONDER HOW THE WORLD EVER EXISTED WITH HAIR ON THIS PATE, YOU BLASPHEMING MISUSE OF GOD’S WORK!

It’s not only the media bitches bugging me. One of the compufag team PR office drones made this Pictureshop of my face on this comic guy’s body.

I don’t get the connection. The character probably kicks major ass and believes in no sex before marriage. Otherwise, it’s stupid and don’t make no sense. I could say for certain ‘cept I got better shit to do than read those kiddie fag mags that the man in the ’50s said was full of immorality and buttsex undertones. Tim Teabag probably has a closet full of ‘em, all in those little comic condoms the dorks put ‘em in to make sure they stay virgin fresh.

This guy here is a sharp dresser, though, I’ll tell you that much.

Oh, here’s another one he wasted his time on:

I think compufag might be trying to say some shit here. Zero ain’t no word I would use to self-ascribe to myself, fuck you very much. And only little slack-vagina bitches like David Carr wear gloves like that on the field. That Asian bitch is kind of sexy, though.