Dez Bryant: clearly not burdened with carrying AT&T’s nation-wide network

Cowboys rookie receiver Dez Bryant has so enamored football pundits that he has almost single-handedly vaulted Dallas into the role of preseason NFC favorites, even though they have pretty much the same weaknesses they had before and Wade Phillips is still the coach and don’t we go through this every year? In what is either evidence of looming rookie intransigence or, more likely, that Dez was quick to learn that no one cares what Roy Williams wants, news has come out that Bryant is refusing to carry Williams’ pads during camp. This is a horrible violation of The Rookie Code, which states that first-year players happily submit to hazing and subjugation on penalty of bitchy comments to the media about their commitment.

As usual, the media is fixated on the controversy but not the underlying issues behind it. KSK, as always, is better informed and better attuned to the interests of its audience. Here, then, are some actual reasons as to why Dez Bryant will not carry Roy Williams’ shoulder pads. Surprisingly, fewer than half have to do with being the son of a prostitute.

Deion Sanders told him he didn’t have to.

Dez doesn’t see why he should have to carry his backup’s shit.

Dez too busy carrying crates for Humpty Hump.

At Bengals camp, carrying safety’s pads.

Jerry Jones specifically hired cage dancers to haul bags during camp. Avoiding redundancies in labor is key.

While his mother serviced johns, a young Dez Bryant was forced to watch Dunston Checks In. Evokes bad memories to this day.

Roy Williams even offered several blintzes for his pads to be carried, but Dez later countered that those blintzes were terrible.

David Buehler challenged Dez to a Roy Williams pad carrying race. Such contests having been recently banned at Cowboys camp, the rookie’s hands were tied.

For reasons known only to him, Dez likes to imagine that he plays for Eric Mangini.

Dez was running late for Vernon Davis’ curling tournament, and if he didn’t get there in time he’d have to sweep.

Having been identified by Jason Garrett as a low-born functionary, Dez is unfortunately on pruning duties while practice is scheduled.

Roy Williams is also a whore. Dez knows better than to show them respect.