Getting to Know Tim Tebow’s Bulge
07.28.10
If you were wondering why Dan Shanoff just pitched a tent outside of his local Macy’s, it’s because Tim Tebow recently signed an agreement to become the official face bulge of Jockey underwear. You already know Tebow pretty well. Now it’s time to meet The Bulge.
Hey guys, it’s me, Tim Tebow’s Bulge. You haven’t seen a lot of me in the past, what with those restrictive athletic supporters and my never-ending supply of strategically placed modesty towels. Well now it’s MY time to shine.
But before I go on full display we need to get a few things straight.
I’m not one of those greasy soccer guys with fancy Italian briefs. I’m a real American, and if you want to see my bulge it’s going to be packaged in the two-ply pouch of my Jockey’s. Nothing fashionable here, just good support for the Holy Trinity.
[jiggles ever so slightly]
Secondly, don’t expect to see any sinners in my ads. If I’m going to share the screen with a retired basketball player and a crappy actor it’s going to be AC Green and Stephen Baldwin, not some DECADENT HE-SLUTS.
Now if you want to be cool like me all you have to do is wrap up your bulge in some Jockey’s, and follow these simple rules.
1. Thou shall have no other bulges before Jesus’ bulge.
2. I come right after Jesus’ bulge.
3. If thou hath laughed at the previous commandment YOU’RE GOING TO HELL WHERE IT SMELLS LIKE VAGINAS ALL THE TIME.
4. Thou shall not worship false bulges.
5. Thou shall not covet another man’s bulge, to do so would be GAY.
6. Thou will never see any bulge in the entire country strain against the fabric as hard as I will strain against the fabric of my Jockey’s.
7. If your tailor asks you if you “dress to the left” HE’S A SINNER.
8. Thou shall not trust your child to a mohle lest he should develop a hook-nosed bulge.
9. When you think about it, a fetus is kind of like a tummy bulge. WOULD YOU ABORT YOUR BULGE?
10. Thou shall not caress thine own bulge with amorous intent. In other words, be a master Gator, not a masturbator.
God bless.
[twitches]
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@ Rakibul Islam
How many people have knelt before the Bulge?
Only one. Urban Meyer.
Tim Tebow Trains for NFL:
http://stacktv.stack.com/video.aspx?videoID=90456092001_663
He likes the squat jumps…
“Although he wore briefs in college, we believe the success of his bulge has the intangibles that all great bulges have, toughness, hard-working, and a willing to get other bulges to follow. Although his bulge will be limited for the next 2-3 years, we will work hard with Tim’s bulge to fully develop into one of the top bulges in the world.”
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Attractive male virgin, waiting until marriage, posing in his underwear. If I were back in my 20′s and still single, I would consider this a challenge.
C’mon, Colorado sluts! You can do it! Seduce him and make a sex tape! He’ll do a press conference where he’ll get weepy and apologize for his immorality! It will be hilarious!
He is sure making a lot of fuss over something you blow into every morning for revelry.
had to look up mohle
good shit maj
If Tim Tebow possesses “The Bulge” then what does that make Charles Haley’s?
@Jackin’ – not sure how it would be bad for you, but in my nightmares that’s exactly what hell is
I come right after Jesus’ bulge
It’s pronounced Jesús and yes, we already know Tebow comes after seeing his bulge when he works three times a week in the Garden of Eden.
> death by stoning
Rickey Williams is willing to attempt this.
@Daddymag: Week 6, Oct. 17, everyone
Tebow better make sure those drawers aren’t a cotton-poly blend. Leviticus 19:19 says that kind of thing is grounds for death by stoning.
HOW THE FUCK YOU DOIN’, BOYS?
/ can’t wait
Jesus Bulge shall inherit the earth.
Best. Links. EVER.
I love you, Tebow’s bulge.
Am I allowed to covet Marc Bulger still? Not that I want to, but I just want to be clear on this.
Thou shalt ritualistically take a knife to your bulge, so the LORD will know who of his people are clean.
Great is ESPN going to give his bulge it’s own site as well? I can see it now….Tracking its daily moves, expert advice on how it will fair against other bulges or arguments about its mechanics.
I wonder what l MARMALARD thinks of this?
The Tim Tebow’s Bulge … this may be my favorite KSK character of all time.
Between Rivers’ and Tebow, (and whoever is QBing the clusterfek known as the Oakland Raiders, oh Jamarcus how we miss you already), the AFC West has got some F’ed up QBs.
“TThou shall not caress thine own bulge with amorous intent”
What if you are an angry masturbator? Is that okay?
Thou shall not worship false bulges. But what about the Hit King’s: http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/alltherage/images/2007/12/11/062205unpete_2.jpg
I think I’d rather have died at the real Battle of the Bulge than have to choose between these two.
Dan Shannoff Sucks.
When I read “Thou shall not trust your child to a mohle lest,” I thought you were leading in to a child rape joke, but then I finished the sentence and saw that it was merely a Jew thing.
Can’t say whether I am relieved or disappointed.
Carry on.
So how many people have knelt before the bulge?
Tom Brady is angry, You won’t like him when he get’s angry.
/Obligatory Dick Joke
Tebow’s bulge has a lot of growing up to do.
YOU’RE GOING TO HELL WHERE IT SMELLS LIKE VAGINAS ALL THE TIME
And that would be bad how?
The Pope just decreed this to be the new altar boy uniform.
Will there be Bible verses on the waist band?
Rex Ryan needs to sit this boy down and explain to him how much pussy he’s missing out on.