Cobb: What’s the most resilient parasite? An idea. A single idea from the human mind can build cities. An idea can transform the world and rewrite all the rules.
Arthur: What about jokes? What can they do? More to the point, is there a single moment of levity in this entire film?
Cobb: No. No jokes. Only ideas. Jokes are the antithesis of ideas. Jokes are the death of cities. The fall of man.
Arthur: Affirmative. Solemn visage engaged. Hair brilliantined for maximal earnestness.
Saito: Awwwww, I am moss preased wif yull selious demeanol. Some men, they wok foll me, they am nuhsing but smirre, but you am most steln. Ret me know you mean the bitness. Demeanol not evelything, of curse. Arso I am needing to know how is you skirrs in the alt of intelception.
I am ask because my company, it depend on steady redealship flom a man by name of Rongrastname. Ratery, he no am be steady. In fact, you cord say he have be anything but. This not acceptable foll me. What is my need flom you is terr convince Rongrastname to eriminate the tlouberr. No mole wirr I torelate the lape and the make pee on the gorf colse.
Cobb: Of course. But we’re going to have find someone to serve as our architect of the dreamscape. I can no longer serve as an architect for very serious reasons which I am unable to detail at this juncture of the story.
Ariadne: ‘Sup? I’m, like, this first-year prodigy at the University of Folding Cities, Paris Campus. Did you need a fast learner? ‘Cause I just picked up everything I needed to know to perform my task as dream city planner after a three-minute conversation with you.
Cobb: [Deadpan] That is a most propitious development.
Ariadne: Hey, what’s this? Your psyche? LEMME SEE!
Mal: My name is Mal. Mal means bad in several languages. You digging my subtlety? What’s with all the Edith Piaf being played? Did you know I was Edith Piaf in another movie? Does that mean her music can only be understood in the dream state? Does it mean the movie is actually supposed to be Edith Piaf’s dream? Only my mystic totem dream dreidel knows for certain. Hold up. I gotta stab you with this broken wine glass really quick.
Saito: PEEPER! You am rosing focus. Is I to bereave you is capaberr of pelfolm this task?
Arthur: Deepest apologies. Know that we have no intention of wasting your valuable time. Our mission is clear: organize an elaborate ruse in which we will execute an interception on your leader and implant the idea that he should not have sex with college girls in filthy bar bathrooms. Nor will he engage physically with any crazy cowboy women. Finally, we make it so he never wishes to urinate on a golf course ever again. First, we need to find his upcoming travel itinerary. We buy up the rest of first class in whatever flight he is –
Saito: You overthink pran. Is not so difficurt to find Rongrastname. Obselve.
Ben Roethlisberger: HI JUNO! MICHAEL CERA TOLD THE BEN YOU ARE DOWN TO FUCK! TRY NOT GET PREGGERS THOUGH.
[Arthur and Cobb mouth: "Go with it!"]
Ariadne: Oh, for sure, Ben. But first you gotta take this drug and take a nap with me and my friends.
Roethlisberger: THAT SOUND FAIR.
[Engage dream hookup thing not at all like the Matrix]
Multiple Bens: HI FOREIGN ENTITIES!
Arthur: His projections have sensed that we don’t belong on his dream golf course.
Multiple Bens: HEY LOOK I PUT MY DRIVER WHERE PENIS IS! HAHA! THREE WOOD! THREE WOOD!
Cobb: They’ll pee all over us. We’re gonna have to move. If we get peed on, we’ll wake up immediately.
Ariadne: Those are very minor consequences! We’ll have to find a situation where the prospect of dying actually presents an element of danger.
Cobb: I know! We must delve further into the subconscious!
[More Matrix-y shit]
Roethlisberger: HI PARDNERS! WELCOME TO BEN DEAD REDEMPTION! BEN LOVE THIS GAME ‘CAUSE CALL O’ DUTY MAP PACKS IS MAD EXPENSIVE. PLUS YOU CAN HIT UP OLD WEST SLUTS!
Arthur: Yeah, but you lose honor points when you do that.
[Ben uses Dead Eye slow motion aim to fire sperm]
Ariadne: Oh no! Arthur has been shot! He’ll be forever stuck in limbo, a concept both frightening and poorly explained!
Cobb: We’ll have to keep going down further and further into his subconscious. Time will move more slowly there for very arbitrary and convenient reasons. We’ll finish before Arthur is forever stuck in limbo.
Ben Roethlisberger: HI DRUNK GIRL! WELCOME TO BEN LOVE STALL! YOU WANT REGULAR OR HANDICAP?
Ariadne: Oh no! We’ll be raped!
Cobb: No, just you.
Ariadne: What’ll we do? I could try all that fancy building shifting stuff I pulled out when my character was first introduced and then never used again. On second thought… no.
Cobb: I know. Why don’t you go all Hard Candy on him?
Ariadne: Oh yeah! [Turns the tables to the joy of feminists everywhere]
Ben Roethlisberger: OH NOES! PREDATORY PLANS BACKFIRED! THE BEN NOW AFRAID TO RAPE! THIS A VERY MEANINGFUL EPIPHANY!
Ariadne: We did it! Now what about the kicks?
Cobb: Of course! The needlessly elaborate system of extraction that is not at all a way for Christopher Nolan to show off! Well, it just so happens that I timed all of this to coincide with Ben peeing on us in the first level and the Dead Eye sperm hitting us in the second level.
[Here comes the pee]
[Everyone wakes up]
Ben Roethlisberger: THE BEN FEEL LIKE WHOLE NEW BEN! DON’T WANNA RAPE! DON’T WANNA PEE ON TREE! NOT EVEN A LITTLE!
[Camera pans back to reveal very important totem choco taco on a nearby table WHICH MAY OR MAY NOT BE MELTING]
I want more like this!
Follow Kissing Suzy Kolber on Facebook and get the latest NFL news & humor before everyone else.