Jared Allen wanted to raise money for his charity, Homes for Wounded Warriors, so he did the sensible thing and hosted a golf outing. An extreme golf outing! Or as extreme as you can get without risking a fourth DUI.
Marines berating golfers, slip ‘n slide punishments, and a pig roast at the turn were just a few of the unique touches Allen included in his event. The outing was a success by all accounts, so it stands to reason that there are plans in the works for next year’s outing. That’s why we’ve compiled a handy list of suggestions to make sure the money keeps rolling in for these deserving soldiers.
- Squibs in every green
- Water hazards filled with gelatin
- Encourage golfers to play in bare feet
- Sand traps filled with shards of broken glass
- Long drive winner gets a bazooka
- Closest to the pin winner gets an M40
- Flagpole dancers
- Eagles are now called “tits”
- Birdies are now called “little tits”
- Pars are now called “gays”
- Bogies are now called “fucks”
- Double bogies are now called “double fucks”
- Personalized truck nutz on every golf cart
- Driving range populated by Iranian clerics who outlawed the mullet
- Ball washers at every tee box provided by Babe’s Cabaret
- Replace all of this year’s participants with lesser celebrities like Dan Akroyd, Jackie Mason, and the guy from Unsolved Mysteries
But don’t even think about taking a piss behind a tree, especially if you’ve recently been accused of sexual assault. Smoke, fire, etc.
Add your own suggested features in the comments, because a four-person scramble format isn’t going to make itself interesting.
I want more like this!
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