Well, well, well! It’s the NBA Finals tonight, and look who just happens to be pahhhhticipating FAR THE MILLIONTH TIME! That’s right! It’s ow-ah beloved basketball Red Sawx, ONLY THE FINEST NONBASEBALL FRANCHISE IN BAWSTON SPARTS HISTORY!

You facks bettah appreciate what you ahhh about to bay-ahh witness to tonight! Anathah hahhhd nosed C’s jugguhnut going against those hated LA AIDS FAGGOTS! Fackin’ Magic Jawnson. The only reason yar still alive, dahhhkie, is becawse yar too busy sackin’ cawk to DIE! Ha ha! I just fackin’ tawnted the Lakahs! I’ll drink a Twisted to that!

(cranks Theory of a Deadman album)

This was the series America wanted to see, of carse! No one wanted to see those Ahhlando homos in the Finals! Vince Cahhhtah wouldn’t last a second playing far the legendary FLEETCENTAH crowds! NO ONE DENIES THIS! We expect hahhd work and effart! And Vince Cahhhtah is just a lazy dahhhkie. GO HANG OUT ON THE JUNGLE GYM, DAHHKIE! THAT’S WHERE YOU BELAWNG!

(puts cigarette in mouth, gratuitously waits five minutes to light it)

I have to be awnest with you people. I did NAWT like this Celtics team. I gave up on them this yee-ah. They did nawt play well, and fackin’ Pawl Peee-ace has only won one title far us! We’re Bawston! We’re a brotherhood! We expect a little mar from ow-ah stabbed dahhkies! I hated this team. I sold awll my C’s jerseys, except the 37 Bird jerseys! I stahhhted rooting far the Cavs, because as a Sawx fan, I thought I could help Cleveland assholes undahstand what it takes to be a true fan, AND THEY AHHH NAWT TRUE BASKETBAWLL FANS! I disowned this Celtics team, becawse they SACKED and I should nawt have to put up with it! And my Dad agreed! He said to me, “Son, those dahhkies sack!” My dad is the best! HE SAYS FUNNY THINGS! I SHOULD STAHHHT A TWITTAH FEED!

(acknowledges presence of friend in bar by bobbing chin)

But then these Celtics did a funny thing. Little by little, they began to win me back ovah! They knew what it would take far the hahhhdest fans in sparts to get back on they-ahhh side! They knew we wouldn’t put up with that big housemaid Papi facking up! And that Theo jumped the shahhhk! And that the B’s fackin’ choked on us! It reminds me of Bucknah! If you weren’t they-ah in 1986, YOU COULDN’T PAWSSIBLY KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT WHAT IT MEANS TO BE A FAN OF ANYTHING!

So these Birdless half-Celtics had to work hahhhd! And they have! And now they’ve regained ow-ahhh trust! I love you, Piston Honda! YOU AHHH THE GREATEST POINT GAHHHD EVAH!

And do I need to point out that those LA cawkblistahs have only beaten the C’s THREE times in the Finals?! Kobe Bryant has nawt beaten the Celtics in the Finals, and that means he hasn’t won any real titles! NO ONE DENIES THIS! Everyone knows this is awll about the C’s! Owahback! Biiirdddd! That tall dahkie who wasn’t Teddy Ballgame! That’s the NBA, right they-ah! THE CELTICS AHHH AMERICA’S TEAM WHEN THE RED SAWX AHHH LOSING!

You fackin’ Lakahs fans ahhh nawt true fans!

(moves to LA, becomes pompous asshole)

LAKAHS SACK! BUT I’M GLAD I LIVE HEE-AH NOW! IT’S SEVENTY DEGREES AWLL THE TIME HEE-AH AND MY LIFE IS BETTAH THAN YOUR-AHS! I EAT EXPENSIVE MEALS! FACK YOU!