Well, well, well! It’s the NBA Finals tonight, and look who just happens to be pahhhhticipating FAR THE MILLIONTH TIME! That’s right! It’s ow-ah beloved basketball Red Sawx, ONLY THE FINEST NONBASEBALL FRANCHISE IN BAWSTON SPARTS HISTORY!
You facks bettah appreciate what you ahhh about to bay-ahh witness to tonight! Anathah hahhhd nosed C’s jugguhnut going against those hated LA AIDS FAGGOTS! Fackin’ Magic Jawnson. The only reason yar still alive, dahhhkie, is becawse yar too busy sackin’ cawk to DIE! Ha ha! I just fackin’ tawnted the Lakahs! I’ll drink a Twisted to that!
(cranks Theory of a Deadman album)
This was the series America wanted to see, of carse! No one wanted to see those Ahhlando homos in the Finals! Vince Cahhhtah wouldn’t last a second playing far the legendary FLEETCENTAH crowds! NO ONE DENIES THIS! We expect hahhd work and effart! And Vince Cahhhtah is just a lazy dahhhkie. GO HANG OUT ON THE JUNGLE GYM, DAHHKIE! THAT’S WHERE YOU BELAWNG!
(puts cigarette in mouth, gratuitously waits five minutes to light it)
I have to be awnest with you people. I did NAWT like this Celtics team. I gave up on them this yee-ah. They did nawt play well, and fackin’ Pawl Peee-ace has only won one title far us! We’re Bawston! We’re a brotherhood! We expect a little mar from ow-ah stabbed dahhkies! I hated this team. I sold awll my C’s jerseys, except the 37 Bird jerseys! I stahhhted rooting far the Cavs, because as a Sawx fan, I thought I could help Cleveland assholes undahstand what it takes to be a true fan, AND THEY AHHH NAWT TRUE BASKETBAWLL FANS! I disowned this Celtics team, becawse they SACKED and I should nawt have to put up with it! And my Dad agreed! He said to me, “Son, those dahhkies sack!” My dad is the best! HE SAYS FUNNY THINGS! I SHOULD STAHHHT A TWITTAH FEED!
(acknowledges presence of friend in bar by bobbing chin)
But then these Celtics did a funny thing. Little by little, they began to win me back ovah! They knew what it would take far the hahhhdest fans in sparts to get back on they-ahhh side! They knew we wouldn’t put up with that big housemaid Papi facking up! And that Theo jumped the shahhhk! And that the B’s fackin’ choked on us! It reminds me of Bucknah! If you weren’t they-ah in 1986, YOU COULDN’T PAWSSIBLY KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT WHAT IT MEANS TO BE A FAN OF ANYTHING!
So these Birdless half-Celtics had to work hahhhd! And they have! And now they’ve regained ow-ahhh trust! I love you, Piston Honda! YOU AHHH THE GREATEST POINT GAHHHD EVAH!
And do I need to point out that those LA cawkblistahs have only beaten the C’s THREE times in the Finals?! Kobe Bryant has nawt beaten the Celtics in the Finals, and that means he hasn’t won any real titles! NO ONE DENIES THIS! Everyone knows this is awll about the C’s! Owahback! Biiirdddd! That tall dahkie who wasn’t Teddy Ballgame! That’s the NBA, right they-ah! THE CELTICS AHHH AMERICA’S TEAM WHEN THE RED SAWX AHHH LOSING!
You fackin’ Lakahs fans ahhh nawt true fans!
(moves to LA, becomes pompous asshole)
LAKAHS SACK! BUT I’M GLAD I LIVE HEE-AH NOW! IT’S SEVENTY DEGREES AWLL THE TIME HEE-AH AND MY LIFE IS BETTAH THAN YOUR-AHS! I EAT EXPENSIVE MEALS! FACK YOU!
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Listen up guy: anyone that does nawt get behind the ‘tics is a homo. Hand to GAWD – this is The Truth. This is a team that is nawt a-scared of anyone! No lie, Pawl Peee-ace got stabbed, a thousand times en did NAWT even miss a practice! The hahdest thing Kobe has evah done is suck off his his 11-teen yeah old wife afta she caught him cheatin’ (slams Wah-choo-sett Blueberry beer on table for emphasis).
While bastetball is primarily the sport of the tha dahkies – NO ONE DENIES THIS! – the Lake-ahs can nawt even claim to have a Scab like ours! They best they can get is a some fahk’s son! Larry Fackin’ Bird shits on that leprecoon Walton!! The ‘tics may have jumped that shaahk but it only on the way to get their one millionth bannah! (starts chanting yankees suck!!)
@DancingBaptist He also went to the NBA All Star Game in Dallas and left before the game.
@porky1 I believe they have one named Scoop Jackson.
I was at a game this year and there was a fat wasted guy screaming at Doc while the Celts were down 20 with all the scrubs in. His advice?
“PUT IN SCAL!!! HE KNOWS WHAT TO DO!!!”
Oh that’s rich.
I checked out his stats, BTW, and his last game was April 14. He played 30 minutes and only managed 5 points.
I can’t believe he didn’t get iced during his rant.
Looks more like Kid Quick than Piston Honda
@ StuScott:
I was at a game this year and there was a fat wasted guy screaming at Doc while the Celts were down 20 with all the scrubs in. His advice?
“PUT IN SCAL!!! HE KNOWS WHAT TO DO!!!”
Yes. He knows what to do. Apparently being fat, white, red-headed, and terrible at basketball is “do”ing something now.
Is there going to soon be a Chicago Sports Guy replacing Simmons who will wax poetic about the Jordan Bulls, how Sammy Sosa broke the city’s heart, and how the ChiSox saved it, and is constantly referencing pop culture bits from the late 90s/early 2000s?
I wonder what Tawmmy is thinking now that his basketball Paytreeuts got their asses handed to them by his new home town team? He probably pulled an awl nightah puffin on the ‘Munts and drinking about 10-15 Mickeys. Only if those fackin’ Packie’s stayed open awl night!!!
/Any Boston suffering is some good Boston suffering.
at least bill simmons doesn’t write in 1 sentence paragraphs yet. so he’s better than 99 percent of sports columnists working today.
@Dunstan That was funny, but needs more Teen Wolf
@Aquaman I had the same thought, also because I read the Slate piece after the ECW piece.
I dont mind Simmons. He’s becoming passe (the 80s references are too old for the audience, and he’s too old to recap Road Rules/RW or Jersey Shore), but it was never a question that his columns were more personal than professional. Other sportswriters (you know who you are, you fat, coffee addicted baseball-stealing kit kat mongering embarrassment to pro football) can’t really make the same claim.
Having only visited Boston (while stationed at Fort Devens many years ago), I enjoyed Boston for a weekend. Caught a SAWX game (50% full), walked through that Quincey Market. Traffic was flat out horrible, and I avoided the locals.
Simmons is still full of douche.(*) And NO, he doesn’t know any more about basketball than the rest of us. He cherry picks his stats and contradicts himself from column to column.
(*) How much douche you ask? If I am not mistaken, this ass-clown went to the SB in Miami, but then FLEW HOME TO WATCH THE GAME.
Douche on soooo many levels.
Sadly, Tawmee is a thousand times more tolerable than the typical Boston fan in LA.
incredible — http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ivu2ktfompc
Sorry, I enjoy Simmons. He’s a blatant homer who doesn’t hide it, and that’s worth a little.
I enjoy TOMMAY FROM QUINZEE too.
Fuck Boston.
Also, fuck Boston.
So am I the only one still reading the twittah posts from the kid that was brought to our attention a few weeks ago, who epitomizes everything Tommy?
This one’s a classic:
Ok! Dick-k u really need to go bak to japan cuz ur the biggest bust in Boston history! Get the fuck out! How bad do u suck! U fuckin faggot
http://twitter.com/kingofbean617/status/15283839285
@Weeknight Bender: It’s like a Dennis Lehane novel come to life. “When they buy tha movie rights to owah stahree, I want that chick from Tha Wiyah to play me! It’s tha greatest show of awl-time on my TV pyramid!”
Drew, try to get on the Podcast?
Hey, at least Simmons has the good grace to acknowledge that he’s a Boston homer asshole through and through, and it doesn’t keep him from writing reasonably good basketball analysis. That said, I could do without all the bullshit about L.A., gambling, and the wife who I’m sure hates his fucking guts.
Tawmmy’s sister? Notice the Celtics shirt…
http://www.lamebook.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/06/phodoh3-21.png
@sonofspam– great point on that gasol/garnett thing. THE LAKAHS WERE HANDED A TITLE BY THAT FACK HEISLAH BUT THE CELTS GETTING GAHNETT FROM MINNESOTA AND EX CELTIC GREAT KEVIN MCHALE WAS TOTALLY FAYUH.
Outstanding as always. I appreciate the little details such how Tawmmy always listens to shitty music like P.O.D. and Theory of a Deadman at obnoxiously high volumes.
@teh:
Practically all the major arguments (such as they are) that Tawmee makes here are Simmons arguments. The last four or five paragraphs are practically direct quotes from his latest column.
YOU ARE NAWT A TRUE BASKETBALL RED SAWX FAN TAWMMY. THE MIGHTY C’S ARE 9-2 AWL TIME AGAINST THE L.A. FAYKAHS IN THE WORLD SERIES OF BASKETBALL.
@Polamalu — thanks, I think. But now I’m kicking myself for forgetting the obligatory reference to HouseO or Fitzy or whoever.
Bill Simmonds is dumb as a brick and twice and boring but he really doesn’t meet many Boston stereotypes so I don’t see why he would care about this article at all.
@Dunstan – Wow, just wow…
“I would kill to hear Simmons respond to one of these.”
Oh, I expect it would be some douchey scoreboard-pointing like:
“Am I supposed to respond to these guys? Why would I waste my time responding to someone who gets .00001% of my page views and salary? That would be like a Celtics fan bothering to learn about one of the other teams in the NBA! It’s like Mickey said in ‘Rocky III,’ you don’t get no title shot. Besides, trying to be funny by making dick jokes is the lazy writer’s way out, like sweeping the leg in a karate match — and we saw how well that worked out for the Cobra Kai guys in the end — or making tired pop culture references, or … where was I? Oh yeah. By the way, I totally invented the idea of being funny while writing about sports. And of writing about sports on the internet. In fact, I once wrote a column about the Seventeen Levels of Sports Humor. It’s still pretty awesome, though if I were writing that column today, I would bump Level Thirteen down to Level Eleven, and move Level Six way up to Level Two, because I appreciate these things more now that I am a father. And now I’ll turn it over to the mailbag: ‘Dear Sports Guy, you rock. Those KSK guys suck more dick that Elizabeth Shue’s character after she dumped Daniel-san at the start of Karate Kid II.’ Yep, these are my readers….”
Deep down, I was hoping to here Tommy’s thoughts on Rasheed. Maybe something like the only good thing about that dahkie is the white spot on his head.
I’m not one for KSK dick-sucking, but gosh if i didn’t rofl. I would kill to hear Simmons respond to one of these.
@sportsguy33 Look out Detroit, Jim Joyce isn’t done. He just ran his rental car over Kid Rock and Bob Seger. about 19 hours ago
Thanks for pointing that out Outshined_One, it is now my life’s goal to personally kick this fucker in the balls, preferably on national TV.
Also, outstanding as always Drew.
Thanks for reminding me to pick up some twisted tea for the game tonight. Go Gahnett!
wow i just read that ecw article and then this and it is clear to me that bill simmons was the ecw of sportswriting. but like that article pointed out when something counter culture gets absorbed into the mainstream, its over.
THE LAKAHS STOLE THAT SPANISH CAUKSUCKAH FROM SOME SHITTY TEAM, BUT THE BASKETBAHL PAYTRIAHTS GAWT GAHNETT FAYAH AND SQUAYAH!!!
(writes fan letter to Billy Zabka)
“(acknowledges presence of friend in bar by bobbing chin)”
I love these little details. such a tough guy Masshole move, I love it.
What the fack, OW-AH TOP FOH-AH PLAYAS ARE FACKIN DAHHHHHHHHHKIES? WE WOULDA SWEPT THE MAGIC IF COACH RIVAHS HAD GIVEN SCAAAAAALABRINE FARTY MINUTES A GAME! NO ONE DENIES THIS!!!
KEVAN GAHHHNET IS THAH FOUTH GREATEST BASKETBALLPATREEUT IN HISTAHREE AFTAH BASKETBALL JESUS, DAHHKIE FROM DA 60′S, AND PAULIE PEE-US. NO ONE DENIES THIS!!!
I’m surprised this douche doesn’t try to play the victim of plagiarism with these columns.
Tommy’s always awesome, but I dunno, maybe I’m calling it on myself here, but I think Simmons is pretty good with his NBA stuff. He obviously doesn’t know jack shit about football, though.
“Owahback!”
Had to actually think about that one for a minute.
“LAKAHS SACK! BUT I’M GLAD I LIVE HEE-AH NOW! IT’S SEVENTY DEGREES AWLL THE TIME HEE-AH AND MY LIFE IS BETTAH THAN YOUR-AHS! I EAT EXPENSIVE MEALS! FACK YOU!”
This just made me laugh. SIMPLE HYOO-MAH.
“Look out Detroit, Jim Joyce isn’t done. He just ran his rental car over Kid Rock and Bob Seger.”
I make timely refarences about those Detroit faaaaaaaaaaaacks!
I knew Tommy would eventually reveal himself as Kevin Dillon’s Character from Entourage
“I love you, Piston Honda!”
Classic Punch-Out reference.
/NO ONE DENIES THIS!
*moves to LA, becomes pompous asshole*
WHYAH CAN’T THE CLIPPAHS HIAH ME? I-AH WOULD TURN THEM AROUND! THEN MY-AH WIFE COULD GET ON JERZEE SHOAH!
God, I wish Bill Simmons would just fucking get run over by a Mack truck.