Durp durp durp! Hey, isn’t that Tom Brady and a beaver playing football with some other white guy? Sorry, I can’t tell who that is; they all look alike to me. Except for Tom Brady, who has managed to grow an entire ten-gallon cowboy hat entirely out of hair. Great work, assbreath. What’s next, are you going to invite kids into your house and have them toss ping-pong balls into buckets from a distance?

Seriously, why don’t you just grow a little pervy mustache and drop a few ads on Craigslist. I don’t know, they could be like “Free Toys” or “I Play Football, Show Me Your Wee-Wee.” YOU’RE the child molester, child molester. You’ll figure something out, even if that something never, ever comes into the vicinity of proper hair care.

JUST GO BUY A GODDAMN WHITE VAN AND RUN A TRAIL OF CANDY INTO THE BACK OF IT, BUT MAKE SURE IT DOESN’T HAVE ANY WINDOWS BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO SEE THAT MOTHERFLIPPING ASS-FRO AGAIN FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE! YOU SUCK! YOU SUCK SO MUCH BALLS TOM BRADY, BUT YOUR STUPID POMPOM LOOKS LIKE YOU CLEANED OUT YOUR DRAINS OVER THE WEEKEND AND DECIDED TO WEAR THE DEBRIS AS A HAT! DIE DIE DIE!

…you know, on second thought, it doesn’t look that bad.