Ever since Golden Tate got busted for trying to steal a maple bar from Top Pot donuts, that’s pretty much the only thing I’ve been thinking about. Look at that thing. So long. So sweet. So girthy. I MUST HAVE IT.

I saw a Bourdain show where he went to Portland and visited a boutique donut shop that had all kind of crazy varieties. One was a maple bar like the Top Pot kind, only it had two strips of candied bacon on top. And that pretty much made me get up and start chewing the LCD screen.

I’m really glad that Tate’s little run-in with the law didn’t become some bullshit “athletes are out of control” controversy, and instead became a referendum on just how fucking good donuts are when you’re drunk at 3AM. Who’s gonna blame Tate for trying to get a taste of THAT? Assholes, that’s who. There’s a certain special alchemy that occurs when you are piss drunk and stoned at 3AM and eating something. That meatball sub tastes pretty good when you’re sober. But after you’ve had a case of beer and eight shots of Jager? That’s not just food. That’s life support. One time, I got shitfaced in New York and walked into a diner for banana pancakes and fries with gravy at 4AM. Best fucking meal I ever ate.

And so, with that in mind, let’s draft food items you’d gladly steal if you were drunk and desperately hungry at 3AM. It can be anything, really. But it needs to be something you really could steal, or nick from an innocent bystander. Steamed lobster isn’t exactly realistic in that regard. So allow me to lead off with the drunk-while-abroad miracle that is the doner kebab.

MUST… HAVE… NOW… The fact that there isn’t a kebab van open 24 hours a day on every American street corner is one of our great failings as a nation state.