Landon Donovan: Holy smokes! We’re in South Africa, Jozy! We’re finally here!
Jozy Altidore: Yup.
Landon Donovan: This is the big one, man. Lotta people hoping we finally come through.
Jozy Altidore: Yup.
Landon Donovan: How’s your ankle?
Jozy Altidore: It’s all right.
Landon Donovan: I think we can do it, Jozy. We almost won that Confederations Cup last year, you know.
Jozy Altidore: Yup.
Landon Donovan: You think Coach will have a few wrinkles ready for us?
Jozy Altidore: I don’t know.
(door flies open)
Coach Bob Bradley: All right, men! Listen up! The time for sightseeing is OVER! We gotta hunker down and get ready for these Brits. I want you men focused. I want you determined. I want you ready to shock the world. That’s why I personally flew in someone very special to talk to you boys about what this Saturday means for you, and for your fellow countrymen.
Jozy Altidore: Who’s that?
(door flies open)
Ryan: HOW THE FUCK YOU DOIN’, SOCCER FAGS?
Donovan: Whoa hey, that’s Coach Rex Ryan of the New York Jets!
Jozy Altidore: The fuck is Rex Ryan doing here?
Coach Bob Bradley: I’ve long felt that Coach Ryan’s aggressive approach to American football is just the kind of no-bull philosophy we need to take down the Three Lions. Isn’t that right, Coach?
Ryan: Oh, men. MEN. God dammit, men, I feel fucking GREAT today. Do you feel fucking great?
Donovan: I guess.
Ryan: Let me tell you about the shit I took on Delta coming over here, men. All the sanitary napkins in the WORLD won’t clean up the fucking WAR I waged on that little airplane potty. It was like dropping six hydrogen bombs on an igloo. A DISPLAY OF OVERWHELMING FUCKING FORCE.
Jozy: What?
Ryan: All right, first order of business: NICKNAMES. Landon, your new nickname is PA INGALLS!
Donovan: Why Pa Ingalls?
Ryan: Because I fucking loved that show and don’t tell anyone or I will stuff you in a urinal and piss on ya. The dad reminded me of my dad, ONLY MY DAD WAS A KILLER! Altidore, your new nickname is The Instigator.
Jozy: Okay.
Ryan: Dempsey, your new nickname is Cumbubble. I don’t like your hair. Beasley, your new nickname is BEAST.
DeMarcus Beasly: But that’s already my nickname.
Ryan: Then I’m calling you Pussymonger! Now, what’s the nickname of our team?
Bradley: Uh…
Donovan: Uh…
Jozy: Well…
Ryan: Oh sweet little infant Jesus sucking on his mom’s tit. THERE’S NO NICKNAME FOR OUR NATIONAL TEAM?
Donovan: No one ever really came up with one that stuck.
Ryan: Well, that is bullshit, pretty boy! We’re coming up with a nickname RIGHT NOW!
Donovan: Shouldn’t we practice dribbling?
Ryan: Fuck your dribbling! This is important. EVERY team in this stupid tournament has a nickname! Even Cameroon has a nickname, and I thought Cameroon was just a cookie before someone told me it was a place full of Africans! The British are the Three Lions! The Italians are the BLUE FAGGOTS! And the Canadians are the Fuckhead Mountie Salmonblowers Who Couldn’t Make The Cut! AM I RIGHT?
Jozy: Well, the Mexicans always call us Los Gringos. We could call ourselves that.
Ryan: Too Spanish.
Bradley: The Eagles?
Ryan: The team that fucked over my daddy? NEXT!
Donovan: The Red White and Blue?
Ryan: NEXT!
Jozy: The Tailgunners?
Ryan: God dammit. From now on, your new team nickname is THE FUCKING OVERLORDS OF DEATH. You got it? You are a fucking group of KILLERS. Now, next up: Bounties. $1,000 to the first fucker that takes out Rooney’s legs while he’s trying to head in a goal.
Donovan: Won’t that get us a red card?
Ryan: Oh! Oh, no! Oh, little Pa Ingalls is afraid of fucking STATIONERY. You men play this dipshit soccer game like a bunch of soccer players!
Jozy: But we ARE soccer players.
Ryan: No, you aren’t! You are the fucking OVERLORDS OF DEATH. You are the fucking sheet of icy cold darkness that envelops the world and suffocates every living thing trapped inside. You are not human. You are a dark force of the netherworld. You are the cavalry the frightened villagers hear before the slaughter. You are here to fucking LAY WASTE! Do you understand?
Everyone: Yes.
Ryan: FUCKING SAY IT LIKE OVERLORDS OF DEATH!
Everyone: YES!
Ryan: Men, I don’t pretend to understand your little sport. I know all the little Mexicans and Eurofags play it, and good for them. Little Mexicans and Eurofags need things to do. And I know you can’t use your hands, and that “tackling” someone means tapping their shins like a little cumswiller. BUT JUST BECAUSE YOUR SPORT IS FOR PUSSIES DOESN’T MEAN YOU HAVE TO FOLLOW SUIT! Men, I have seen you play. You play like frightened little boys. You play like you don’t belong. You’re afraid to let your guard down and ATTACK ATTACK ATTACK! Well, it’s time to cut that shit out forever.
I don’t want you to play “The Beautiful Game,” men. Leave that for the ass shakers from South America. I don’t want to see you play beautiful. I want to see you men play the UGLY GAME. I want you men to play the grisly, nasty, filthy, evil game. I don’t want you to make it pretty. I want you to make it fucking hurt. I want you to make those fuckers on the other side of the field BLEED. You know what I’m talking about, Pa Ingalls? You ever make them bleed? You ever make a lady bleed with pleasure?
Donovan: Well, I…
Ryan: Oh! Oh! Oh, ol’ Pa Ingalls here brought in the red tide last night! THAT’S DOUBLE GREAT HUSTLE!
(slaps Donovan twice on the ass, hard)
Donovan: Ouch!
Ryan: That’s what I’m talking about! Don’t make it pretty, men. Make it sweaty, and stinky, and vile and putrid. Make those assholes in the stands want to throw up when they see you get out there and fucking POUND THOSE LIMEY FUCKS. Is that who you play on Saturday? England?
Donovan: Yes, sir.
Ryan: And I suppose people think the English will win, do they?
Donovan: Yes, sir.
Ryan: BAHAHAHAHAHAHA! The fucking English? Those fuckers can’t even win their own tennis party. Let me tell you something about the English, gentlemen. A hundred years ago, those limey twats owned a quarter of the world. They were an EMPIRE. Their little dipshit king ruled over Canada, India, Egypt, and even the very soil you gentlemen now stand upon. They owned it all. They even owned US at one point. And do you know what happened to that empire, men? Do you?
Donovan: It fell, sir?
Ryan: You’re goddamn right, it fell. India? Gone. Canada? Gone. Africa? Fucking GONE. All those pantyhose wearers have left is some island full of pineapple eaters out in the ocean somewhere. They lost it all. They are NOTHING. They are fucking WEAK. They are a rotting shell of an empire, only they’re too stupid to even realize it. When the last time these fuckers won this tournament?
Donovan: 1966, sir.
Ryan: 1966! 1966! They’ve won JACK SHIT since 1966! Who have they beaten? What have they proven? And yet somehow, they’re miles better than YOU? Men, you are not underdogs. There are no underdogs in the world. There is only the weak. You are the fucking CHAMPIONS. If no one sees you coming, well then that’s their fault for being too fucking stupid to notice. You will take that field on Saturday, and you will fucking scratch and kick and claw. Your hands can’t touch the ball, but they sure as hell can touch BALLS, can they not? GRAB AND TWIST, FUCKOS! We are going to beat the ever loving piss out of these guys, and then we’re gonna take down the whole fucking thing. And your training begins NOW! BRING OUT THE GUMBY!
Donovan: Gumby?
Gumby: WOT? WELL, I FINK IS JUST RIGHT BOLLOCKS, INNIT?!
Ryan: KILL THAT FUCKER!
Donovan: Kill him?
Ryan: HE’S AN ORPHAN! NO ONE WILL KNOW! YOU FUCKING KICK THAT OLIVER TWIST TO DEATH RIGHT NOW! KICK KICK KICK KICK!!!
(everyone kicks the gumby to death)
Ryan: Do you fucking feel it, men? Do you feel THE UGLY GAME rising up within you? Do you now realize what you’re capable of?
Everyone: YES!
Ryan: Fucking bring it in!
(everyone brings it in)
Ryan: I don’t want you gentlemen to be soccer players out there. I want you to be FOOTBALL players. Real football, like the kind I coach. I want you to be ready to fucking TEE OFF. I want you to show the world how we do business here in America. We do it ROUGH. We take what we want and FUCK YOU if you get in our way. We don’t give a shit how messy it gets. BECAUSE LOSERS ARE THE ONES WHO HAVE TO CLEAN UP THE MESS. You will beat those English butlers, and then you will fucking crush Souvlakia.
Bradley: Slovenia.
Ryan: Whatever. ARE YOU MEN IN? ARE YOU READY TO TAKE THIS CUP AND PISS IN IT?
Everyone: YES!
Ryan: Fucking kill on three ONE TWO THREE!
Everyone: KILL!
Ryan: God damn, I need a burger! Where do I find a burger in this shithole? Everyone here smells!
Donovan: We’re making the quarters, Jozy.
Jozy: Hell yes we are.
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Utterly perceive what your stance on this matter. Though I might disagree on among the finer details, I believe you probably did an awesome job explaining it. Sure beats having to analysis it on my own. Thanks
Well, that was fun. The only scary part was on the train back to New Cross: drunken England/Millwall fans were agonizingly close to a guy wearing a Charlton shirt…
Will be doing something with the same group on Friday, through the Slovenian embassy (!), and I will have a Dempsey shirt. Oh, yes.
If I don’t see Bobby Butterfingers (KSK Rex would be proud) on a front page tomorrow morning, I’ll be annoyed.
@Heid the Ba’ I’d prefer Rex in Leith than in Govan. For one thing, the colours are a closer fit with the Jets.
@Erik: The best I can figure is the ‘Rex Ryan: Greatest Coach Ever tag.
@Otto: Niketown was sold out of jerseys, unbelievably. Will check again in a few days.
Glorious.
I think I’ve asked this previously, but I’m not sure. Has anyone been compiling a master list of links to all of KSKRex? This would be an important public service.
disturban says: June 10th, 2010 at 9:06 am – “Calling us commentors sycophants would imply that the author of the article is influential (ha!). Your attempt at displaying knowledge has only proven your ignorance… fucking moron.”
Your mistake is to assume KSK influence is required to be greater than the KSK website.
“Some people hate the English, but I don’t. They’re just wankers. We, on the other hand, are colonized by wankers. We can’t even pick a decent culture to be colonized by. We are ruled by effete arseholes.”
-Scotsman Renton in “Trainspotting”
Britain = England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland.
3 of those 4 hate England ergo Britain isn’t interchangeable with England.
That is all.
These soccer fags are gonna make America proud
Be strong, Jim. And win or lose, be sure to report back.
@Otto:
Yeah, hence the jacket I’ll be wearing to and from the restaurant.
I’m watching with an ex-pat group I joined, so I’ll be fine during the game. It’s scary to note that the group leader had to set the meetup out of Central London with a reminder to not wear any US merch outside the restaurant.
“Pussymonger” for Beasley?
I got a text from a friend after the friendly in Hartford that Beas had 4 women with him at the hotel bar, so I guess that sounds about right.
(I am sitting at my desk in my 2008 jersey can’t wait until Saturday)
Awesome.
@jimmyjankin: particularly as Britain isn’t playing, England is. Many of us Brits won’t be supporting England.
Gonna bomb those Brits like B-17 bombers flying out of airfields in the U.K. in WWII. And that makes no sense…
Sorry Gino but we won the war of 1812. There is still a border crossing at Windsor and Niagara Falls. Had you guys won there wouldn’t be. At least you guys got a new White House out of the deal.
Jim,
If you’re wearing a Dempsey jersey, you’d better be ready to make your way home in the river, win or lose.
The Damned Utd is not a great movie, but it is a great book.
Are you kidding? Any movie with this sweet piece of ass is a winner.
@Hitler:
Calling us commentors sycophants would imply that the author of the article is influential (ha!). Your attempt at displaying knowledge has only proven your ignorance… fucking moron.
@Jefferson Tardship Err just to let you know it’s generally three points they’re working for…
USA USA USA USA USA USA USA!
Don’t worry Jim, there is no way on earth that you’ll win
I’m in London for grad school, and this is just firing me up more about Saturday. Greatness.
Going to Niketown in Oxford Circus to pick up a Dempsey shirt Friday morning.
If the US wins, I’m going to have to reenact Escape From New York just to get back to my dorm, I fear.
DaMarcus “the Beast” Beasley? Fuck me sideways, he couldn’t even get a game for the currently pish Rangers side.
+1 article1, we need Rex for the national side, and for Rangers once Uncle Walter goes.
Craig Esherick’s Mustache: It has to be relevant otherwise you’re just a moron laughing at swear words.
Oh, yeah. This rocked. Can Rex Ryan come coach Scotland? We need all the help we can get.
Just an FYI.
The way you use British/English interchangably? Yeah, millions of people in Britain will be hoping the English get horsed on Saturday. I know I’ll be cheering for the US.
@ Otto Man
The Damned Utd is not a great movie, but it is a great book.
@Godwin’s Law
Yes, moron, because “relevance” is the primary purpose of this piece. Jesus, you’re just as humorless as your namesake. At least he did the rest of us a favor and offed himself (but only after providing video that’s led to dozens of fantastic videos and thousands of terrible ones). Why don’t you follow suit?
And now, The Insurance Sketch.
My brain hurts too.
No. The brain in my head.
Assorted Sycophants: My point is that if the Americans were playing the English at the world cup of cricket, basketball, baseball, nintendo or contract bridge… it’d be pretty much the same article which makes the article irrelevant.
KSK missed on having Tim Howard in the story. He’s the US goal keeper and suffers from Tourettes. Unless Tourettes jokes are deemed inappropriate for your delicate pad-wearing gridiron sensibilities…
Man, I was all excited about un-American football for a minute, and then I remembered that Rex Ryan did not actually give this speech to anyone and the national team is not actually intent on murdering anyone.
Goddamn it.
/seriously considering giving a Rex Ryan-style motivational speech at work
//complete with nicknames
///will probably get fired for it
I want you to be ready to fucking TEE OFF. I want you to show the world how we do business here in America. We do it ROUGH. We take what we want and FUCK YOU if you get in our way.
God damn do I love me some America. Need to remember this for a drunken 4th of July rant.
Damn it Adolf Hitler, you’re worse than…
shit…
damn.
DIE in a chemical fire Adolf Hitler….go somewhere else with your negative comments….its the offseason and there’s shit else to talk about
So John Bull is definitely NOT still bitter about 1776, 1812 and the dissolution of his empire, then, right?
@Hitler – don’t make us Americans come kick your ass again.
Its not funny because there’s no real link to the world cup. Its just the same tired old limey, once proud empire shit that Americans always use about the Poms, this time set to the music of Rex Ryan swearing.
-1 stick to the nfl
This thing made me cry it was so funny!! Pa Ingalls…Landon Donovan, I will never look at him the same again
The mere mention of the phrase “door flies open” gets my heart pounding and brings an evil, hateful grin to my face. KSK Rex is the fuckin’ best!!!!! Well done Drew, brightened up a shitty rainy NYC afternoon.
/beats the shit out of 3 Mexican barbacks with an empty Jamison bottle shouting “HOW THE FUCK YA DOIN SOCCER FAGS”
And all of a sudden, I want to scream “fuck England” to the heavens.
God bless you, Rex.
“You are the fucking sheet of icy cold darkness that envelops the world and suffocates every living thing trapped inside.”
Beautiful.
/wipes tear from eye
//shows self out
This was like the opposite of the plot of The Damned United.
Great movie.
Absolutely brilliant. America nickname should be Rolling Thunder – yes, like the Vietnam War bombing campaign. Attempting to be anything but ugly, over-aggressive Americans is the thin end of the wedge, and will surely lead to us ending up as the international equivalent of the Greendale Community College Human Beings. Screw it. Our team should travel by Carrier Battle Group and be parachuted into the stadium five seconds behind a barrage of flash-bangs as a squadron of A-10 Warthogs strafes the crowd with t-shirt cannons, the ordinance of which when unrolled will say “America: Outnumbered but Never Outgunned” and/or “How the Fuck You Doin’, Soccer Fags?”
Wow…that was awesome!!!!
OVERLORDS OF DEATH FOREVER!!!!
I wish KSK Rex Ryan was my Dad. Am I the only one who wants to pull an Ufford* after reading a Rex Ryan post?
* pulling a Ufford: Running through plate glass and punching holes in concrete due to EXTREME inspiration.
Bout time you blokes had some ACTUAL football on this site!
/just kidding…I like girls
Thank God it was only Rex Ryan. I was getting worried a bro was about to get iced.
This was like the opposite of the plot of The Damned United.
Great shit. I am a huge fan of KSK Rex Ryan.
However, those soccer promos on TV belie the actual truth of what soccer is to some of us. Not action packed, not exciting.
It’s fucking boring.
GRAB AND TWIST, FUCKOS!
Pretty sure that Rex gave that same advise to Elizabeth Lambert. It seemed to work out beautifully for her.
This is the first time I’ve ever found anything related to soccer even remotely entertaining.
j4b … you know, if someone made a death metal album whose lyrics were nothing but rex speeches, it’d be amazing.
Can Khoach Ryan take over at Arsenal? We need some of his murdering skills lessons on defense.
Fuckhead Mountie Salmonblowers Who Couldn’t Make The Cut + Flying Circus reference = full of win.
Tailgunners. Priceless.
Fucking fantastic! I’m even more pumped for Saturday than I already was. Kudos Drew!
@ Otto- There is a Horn of Africa, it’s the north coast of Somalia I believe.
You are the fucking sheet of icy cold darkness that envelops the world and suffocates every living thing trapped inside. You are not human. You are a dark force of the netherworld. You are the cavalry the frightened villagers hear before the slaughter. You are here to fucking LAY WASTE! Do you understand?
OK, which death metal song did this come from? I know you listen to that hard core shit Drew and I must know so I can buy their album. This was awesome.
holy crap! that was outstanding! You had me at “HOW THE FUCK YOU DOING SOCCER FAGS!!” and kept it up all the way to the end , well done!!!
“The team that fucked my daddy?” had me spitting out my Mt Dew!!
Sorry yanks, but the mother country will bitch slap your squad like the soccer players they are. CFL training camps are open and the pre-season starts this weekend. Start looking for your mid-season special teams replacement players now.
Of course you bring in an NFL coach to motivate a team to get seven points and not just four.
$1,000 to the first fucker that takes out Rooney’s legs while he’s trying to head in a goal.
I would be happy to contribute to this.
USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!
“We take what we want and FUCK YOU if you get in our way. We don’t give a shit how messy it gets. BECAUSE LOSERS ARE THE ONES WHO HAVE TO CLEAN UP THE MESS.”
/BP’d
“And the Canadians are the Fuckhead Mountie Salmonblowers Who Couldn’t Make The Cut! AM I RIGHT?”
Yes, you are, coach. Yes, you are.
/personally vowing to refer to all Canadians as “salmonblowers” from now on.
“HE’S AN ORPHAN! NO ONE WILL KNOW!”
Wonderful, KSK Rex always puts things in perfect perspective for me on a Wednesday.
As a huge fan of both kinds of football, and especially of the US National Team, I couldn’t possibly be any more fired up after reading this post.
P.J O’Rouke on being American:
“We’re the baddest-assed sons of bitches that ever jogged in Reeboks. We’re three-quarters grizzly bear and two-thirds car-wreck and descended from a stock-market crash on our mother’s side. You take your Germany, France, and Spain, roll them all together, and it wouldn’t give us room to park our cars. We’re the big boys, Jack, the original giant, economy-sized new and improved butt-kickers of all time. When we snort coke in Houston, people lose their hats in Cap d’Antibes. And we’ve got an American Express credit card limit higher than your piss-ant metric numbers go.”
“You say our country’s never been invaded? You’re right, little buddy. Because I’d like to see the needle-dicked foreigners who’d have the guts to try. We drink napalm to get our hearts started in the morning. A rape and a mugging is our way of saying ‘Cheerio’. Hell can’t hold our sock-hops. We walk taller, talk louder, spit further, fuck longer, and buy more things than you know the name of. I’d rather be a junkie in a New York City jail than King, Queen, and Jack of all you Europeans. We eat little countries like this for breakfast and spit them out before lunch.”
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let this motivational talk go better than a previous effort: http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2010/03/the-boys-at-arkansas-pine-bluff-get-a-little-extra-motivation.html#more-25206
Even Cameroon has a nickname, and I thought Cameroon was just a cookie before someone told me it was a place full of Africans!
+1
Great call by UU.
Not the correction, the It’s Always Sunny reference.
/Nobody wants to see a 60 year old man eating garbage!
Landon Donovan followed up Rex’s speech by bonding with him the best way he knew how…
BURRITO-ING A BRAH!
…for which Coach Rex actually shed an embarrassed tear of joy. He was home.
He was home.
I could have used this last night before I got red-carded in my intramural championship. DAMN IT!
@ Moonbatting Average.
Saw him on TV yesterday and I’m pretty sure he’s gained back every pound….wouldn’t have it any other way.
THE FUCKING OVERLORDS OF DEATH
I want the T. Maybe with HOW THE FUCK YOU DOIN’, SOCCER FAGS? on the front. I promise to wear it to reffing the kids games.