Electronic Arts Is Whores, Part One Million: We already knew the new edition of Madden will include an online feature that allows players to scout a prospective opponent’s situational playcalling tendencies, an innovation that was pretty cool until EA announced that players could simply purchase such scouting reports rather than just earn them through playing. Now word comes that a new quantifiable attribute has been added to the several dozen that everyone ignores in favor of “overall”. That’s right, each player now has a “swagger” rating, which judging by how Tom Zbikowski stacks up against his teammates, might as well be a melanin scale. Oh yeah, and this individual rating has been sponsored by Old Spice. I guess they’re still working on getting the Fraternal Order of Police to sponsor the speed rating.

Cedric Benson: Now A True Bengal Drunk boating and Sun Chips aficionado Cedric Benson had himself a fine resurrection season last year, but something never felt quite right. After all, he was arrested twice while in college and twice with the Bears, yet no such run-ins with the law since joining Cincy. NO LONGER! In May, Benson was arrested for assaulting a bar employee in Austin. Somehow it never got out until now, after he already tried to work over the team for a new contract. Why cover it up, Ced? They love that sort of thing.

Things That Will Be Funny In January (If Not Now): LaToeInjury told Sal Paolantonio that the Jets will “absolutely” win the Super Bowl with him as a member of the team. I guess he already got the memo that Rex Ryan plans on limiting his carries, then. Elsewhere, Anquan Boldin said that the first person to contact him after he was traded to the Ravens was Ray Lewis. According to Boldin, “Ray said to me, ‘You know, it’s in Dallas this year.’” The receiver inferred that he meant the Super Bowl, but apparently Boldin has never gotten wind of the annually rotating StabLiePrayCon (Aug. 14-18 in the Dallas Convention Center).


Video of Lions Team President’s DUI Arrest: He tries to tell the cop he hasn’t had a drink in a year and a half. Sure, buddy. Like it’s been that long since the Lions played.