Electronic Arts Is Whores, Part One Million: We already knew the new edition of Madden will include an online feature that allows players to scout a prospective opponent’s situational playcalling tendencies, an innovation that was pretty cool until EA announced that players could simply purchase such scouting reports rather than just earn them through playing. Now word comes that a new quantifiable attribute has been added to the several dozen that everyone ignores in favor of “overall”. That’s right, each player now has a “swagger” rating, which judging by how Tom Zbikowski stacks up against his teammates, might as well be a melanin scale. Oh yeah, and this individual rating has been sponsored by Old Spice. I guess they’re still working on getting the Fraternal Order of Police to sponsor the speed rating.
Cedric Benson: Now A True Bengal Drunk boating and Sun Chips aficionado Cedric Benson had himself a fine resurrection season last year, but something never felt quite right. After all, he was arrested twice while in college and twice with the Bears, yet no such run-ins with the law since joining Cincy. NO LONGER! In May, Benson was arrested for assaulting a bar employee in Austin. Somehow it never got out until now, after he already tried to work over the team for a new contract. Why cover it up, Ced? They love that sort of thing.
Things That Will Be Funny In January (If Not Now): LaToeInjury told Sal Paolantonio that the Jets will “absolutely” win the Super Bowl with him as a member of the team. I guess he already got the memo that Rex Ryan plans on limiting his carries, then. Elsewhere, Anquan Boldin said that the first person to contact him after he was traded to the Ravens was Ray Lewis. According to Boldin, “Ray said to me, ‘You know, it’s in Dallas this year.’” The receiver inferred that he meant the Super Bowl, but apparently Boldin has never gotten wind of the annually rotating StabLiePrayCon (Aug. 14-18 in the Dallas Convention Center).
Video of Lions Team President’s DUI Arrest: He tries to tell the cop he hasn’t had a drink in a year and a half. Sure, buddy. Like it’s been that long since the Lions played.
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“You know, it’s in Dallas this year.”
Stay the fuck home, Ray. Texas has the death penalty and they know how to use it on retards. Hmm, on second thought…
Does Old Spice’s sponsorship mean that Terry Crews will be in the game as an available free agent?
I support the swagger rating as long as it makes the player celebrate vigorously and obnoxiously after ever play they make. Even if it’s a fair catch on a punt return.
PS – Does anyone get the feeling that swagger rating is tied closely with how big of an asshole the player is? Just look at Richie Incognito. Also, why is Bart Scott’s swagger rating not a 99?
*all
key word: most athletes
/aqll the news I’ve ever needed I’ve gotten from KSK
/Ray-Ray likely didn’t do it because most athletes aren’t dumb enough to do that shit when a homeboy could do it for them
Like OJ?
See what I did there?
/Georgia DA admitted in press conference he didn’t have enough evidence whether or not the accuser wished to go forward.
//feels it necessary to dispel misinformation
Yes, but in OJ’s case he was cleared of all charges – in the eyes of the law he was just as innocent of those murders as Ben was of that assault. Ben would have probably been charged if the girl had pressed for them but she didn’t, which frequently happens in sexual assault cases. There’s no need to rehash all the shit over Roethlisberger again, but I am amused that you feel it necessary to jump in and defend your QB every time.
/Ray-Ray likely didn’t do it because most athletes aren’t dumb enough to do that shit when a homeboy could do it for them
//stabby-stabstab lol
Seriously Ape, you’re going by criminal charges as to whether someone’s innocent? So OJ never did it either?
Couple significant differences, there. OJ was charged and his case was brought to trial. The police had evidence to convict him which was disallowed for stupid reasons. Ben was never even arrested and the investigators had basically nothing on him save the contradictory testimony of the accuser and her friends.
/No, Ray-Ray probably didn’t murder anyone. But he was involved in a murder and would have received a charge worse than obstruction of justice if only he didn’t plea bargain to testify against his friends. [Snitching, they call it]
http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m1355/is_2_98/ai_62925006/
//awaits this same hair splitting every time a Ray Lewis joke is made on the site.
I’m sure if Ray’s victim didn’t die from multiple stab wounds, he would have dropped the charges just like the girl from Georgia did.
/Seriously Ape, you’re going by criminal charges as to whether someone’s innocent? So OJ never did it either?
Can you throw in a criminal charge, too? Still waiting on one of those.
/Ray has one!
StabLiePrayCon will be next door to the National “Call of Duty and Bathroom Rape Biathlon” Championships.
/Gotta throw in a shot at Ben whenever Ape takes a shot at Ray
I’m boycotting EA sports games until “Zazz” becomes a quantified skill.
The swagger rating should be directly related to how likely your player is to be arrested during the course of your season.
Is ” swagger rating ” another way of saying ” street cred “?
Vis-a-vis Benson, I thought having some form of criminal activity on your record was a pre-req for joining. You know, the NFL equivalent of the SATs.
The swagger rating should only work during the offseason and preseason. Then it should be replaced with a Gets Shit Done rating.
The “Swagger Rating” is a worse idea than Tom’s “Jump to Conclusions” mat.
Especially a grammar Nazi who seizes on an intentional mistake made to be goofy.
Not that I don’t agree but there shouldn’t be 20 comments without a grammar nazi
Electronic Arts Is Whores,
I wonder if Peter King knew alleged Russian spies and Montclair, NJ, residents “Richard and Cynthia Murphy” (http://www.nytimes.com/2010/06/29/world/europe/29spy.html). Dear god, what if MMBQ has been filled with coded messages?! It kind of would explain a lot.
Does anyone know where I can get tickets for the StabLiePrayCon?
I’m still waiting for an “Intangiables” rating.
It’ll be measured by how many times Peter King jerks them off each week. Tom Brady will lead the league with a 99.
A friend of mine works over at the EA offices (on NBA Live) and said that the Madden people get AWESOME ad opportunities. This year’s leader: Olde English 800 Malt Liquor
Coming to Madden 12 — Dos Equis Interesting Non-Football skill rating
In defense of Cedric, I dare any one of you to go to Annie’s West and NOT punch someone. It’s the Jersey Shore of Austin.
I can’t wait until the categories “lunchpail” “coachabilitiy” and “heart” (or “bluecollar”) are trackable ratings in Madden. They can call them the Peter King stats. Not incidentally, it will be the first year that all the Top 50 players will be white and Welkah will have a rating of 100 (and Jewkah will be a 95).
Heard they were going to make a new Tecmo Bowl game though – any truth to that? And would it have real NFL players?
Yeah sure, but who leads the league in rape skills?
Would Santonio have a swagger rating of 12″?
Any news on Pacman’s swagger?
/CHUH CHUH
Glad I stopped playing Madden in 1995. That game has fallen off the cliff since I went undefeated that year. Who’s going to sponsor it next?
BDQ: Baby Daddy Quotient sponsored by Mirena
I guess they’re still working on getting the Fraternal Order of Police to sponsor the speed rating.
You’re aces, Apey kid. You know that? You’re goddamn aces.
I, for one, believe him about not having had a drink for a year and a half. Eighteen months ago would be right around the time he was officially given Millen’s old job. (Inexplicably, every non-Millen part of the Goofball High Command responsible for the perfect season was retained.) He probably got hammered that night and has been slowly sobering up ever since.
In everything but the W/L column, it’s a lot of fun being a Lions fan.
It’s cute when Tomlinson thinks that he can still play.
Old Spice swagger sure beats the hell out of last year’s Snickers ads… Snack-tistics! Seriously, fuck EA and fuck Madden. It’s not enough that people shell out $60 every year for a game that never changes, now they’ve got to inundate players with advertisements so they can rake in even more cash? Fuck and them.
No worries, Zib fares much better in the Grit rating, sponsored by 3M.
You’d think with a beard like that he’d have at least SOME swagger. Also, wtf does that stat do for actual gameplay?
I wonder if Brian Russell has a negative swagger ranking…
Sure, buddy. Like it’s been that long since the Lions played.
Actually, Ape, the Lions haven’t played since Barry Sanders retired. They’ve just been running around a football field on Sundays from August to December every year.
But it HAS been that long since the Lions won