Golden Tate, you’ve barely been in the league for two months now, and yet you’ve already produced a Hall of Zane resume of zaniness. You showed up on YouTube a minute ago singing the chorus to a Taylor Swift song. Diagnosis: zany! Soon, you will be dancing alone to “Pony”. You will be on a FunnyOrDie video with Will Forte. Rick Reilly will contact you regarding a mock-choke you will perform on him for future publication. It is only shortly after that the reality shows will come.
But before all that happens, you’re staying small time by breaking into a Top Pot gourmet doughnuts shop and purloined precious pastries.
People were predictably upset, mainly because it reinforced the inimical stereotype of black men breaking into doughnut shops at 3 in the morning (Hispanics do it at 2, Asians do it 1, white people steal from the till). You survived unharmed, but this must become a learning experience for you.
The best advice we can give you is to slow down, Golden Tate. You just arrived into a league. There’s a lot of pressure to fit in. You see the various cliques of receivers. The workmanlike ones. The gritty ones. The flashy ones. The criminal ones. The ones hopefully inclined to slug Jimmy Clausen in his face. The ones the Bears amusingly trot out. Obviously you’ve taken a liking to the zany ones. They get all the attention, sure. Just remember: while their candle burns the brightest, it also burns the shortest. I have no factual information to back that assertion up, but it sounded kinda meaningful, didn’t it?
In closing, donuts are a very zany thing to steal. In the future, stick to commonplace valuables, such as miniaturized cities or possibly the Klopman diamond.
I want more like this!
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