All right, I hope everyone enjoyed the little break from KSK. I know that I certainly feel refreshed after a week off.

*checks inbox*

*reads ANOTHER question about a guy talking about the “friend zone”*

*grits teeth*

Well, there goes cheerful Caveman. Buckle up, this ride might get bumpy.

Let’s start things off with a question from a female reader:

Dear internet sex gods:

Football: Colts fan (enter fat hump jokes) and I know I suck at fantasy. Should I draft Reggie Wayne despite whatever the hell’s going on with him or should I just stick with Garcon and Collie? Alternatively, any good fantasy team names that doesn’t compromise my dignity?

Wayne, Collie, and Garcon are all fine players to have on your fantasy team. However, when you play fantasy football, you can choose players who aren’t on your favorite team! I know! Crazy, right?

Sexytimes:
#1: I just finished my first year of college and I’m pretty inexperienced in the men department. As in still-waiting-for-my-first-kiss inexperienced. Yeah, I know I fail at life.

That’s not true. There are many women just like you who live happy lives through cat ownership, the Twilight series, and a fantasy dreamworld that encroaches on their interpretation of real life.

However, somehow I managed to attract a LOT of guys for reasons I still don’t quite understand. A few of them have mentioned interest in eating me out. Do most guys normally go for that sort of thing? I’ve been reading this blog since the wee beginning, back when I was underage and I haven’t really heard a whole lot about this.

Whoa, whoa! Slow down there, sister. Let’s work on hitting some slap singles before driving it into the gap for a triple, so to speak. Imagine if the movie Never Been Kissed was about guys eating out Drew Barrymore. Yes, it would have been a better movie, but the title and subject matter would still be an odd combination. Don’t accept any offers of cunnilingus without working on the kissing first. Also, if guys are offering to eat you out but won’t kiss you… that’s not a good sign. There are a lot of things I can infer from that, and none of them are nice enough for me to share here.

As for eating pussy, it can be an absolute delight to service a woman in such an intimate manner (it can also be an unpleasant affair, but let’s not focus on that). When I was in college, I didn’t have much in the way of skill, but I had plenty of enthusiasm, and at one point or another I’m sure I was drunk enough to crassly offer to go down on my female friends. I doubt being a horny young male has changed much in the last decade.

#2: At school I talk to my guy friends a lot. Naturally this led to some crazy girlfriends trying to eat me alive. Unfortunately the craziest bitch happened to be in two of my classes. We don’t actually know each other but she has decided that I am the spawn of Satan. She would literally spend half the class staring at me and never looking away. It’s REALLY creepy. And she’s one of those preppy Haylie Duff lookalikes.

Long story short, her boyfriend is my friend and he doesn’t seem to recognize that she’s a bitch, everyone else hates her, she hates me. I really don’t give a fuck, but what should I do? If she instigates something, I really don’t want to deal with it. College has enough drama as it is.
One of them good girls going bad,
fangirls on helium

Or maybe your friend absolutely recognizes that he’s dating a bitch, but she can suck the chrome off a trailer hitch. Say what you will about preppy Haylie Duff lookalikes, they tend to be pretty hot (assuming it’s post-rhinoplasty Haylie). And a hot chick who’s good at fucking is really all a 19-year-old male needs. He certainly doesn’t need female friends he doesn’t have sex with (not unless he wants to have sex with them at some point in the future).

Anyway, along with “hot” and “good in bed” comes their ugly sister, “crazy.” This girl sees any woman who comes near her boyfriend as a threat, regardless of that woman’s, say, inexperience and Colts-fan obesity (sorry, I’m just working off of stereotype). You’re much better off just not spending time with this guy. And if he confronts you with, “Hey, how come we don’t hang out any more?” you can just say, “It wasn’t worth it to have Haylie Duff staring daggers at me all the time. She made it clear that she didn’t like me, so I steered clear, because I didn’t want to get in the way of your relationship.” And that sentence will TOTALLY get in the way of their relationship! Score!

Of course, that’s assuming he misses your platonic friendship while he gets sweet, sweet, bitchy college tail. I wouldn’t count on it.

___________

Men of KSK,
Sex: I’m pretty high up at my small office, with the potential to be running the place in the next 5-10 years. Late 30’s, married (usually, happily), and with an awesome little kid at home. Basically, I’m very lucky to be where I am, and I know it.

But…

For years I’ve had zero workplace temptations. But recently

THERE IT IS!

a hot little number started working very closely with me in an admin role. Mid-20’s, wears skimpy clothes, shows off cleavage, and flirts like hell with me. Has a boyfriend but doesn’t seem to care. While I have no desire to cheat on my wife or risk my job, I have to admit that flirting with a hot young thing sure helps pass the day, and makes me feel young again. I’ve made it clear to her that I won’t be unfaithful to my wife, but that seems to have only made this girl more aggressive. How do I play this without finding myself unemployed and single?

Make sure your office is locked and the blinds are shut. If your office doesn’t offer you enough privacy, go to a single stall bathroom with a reliable lock. And then whack off. Whack off like your job and your marriage depend on it.

Football: so I won a jersey in a draw. Pretty awesome, right? Except for the fact that it’s a Marshawn Lynch jersey. What are the odds I can put this thing on eBay and make enough money for a case of beer?
-Business Dude

I did a quick search on eBay, and it looks like the Marshawn jerseys set at $16.99 all have zero bids. Maybe you should set your sights on buying a six-pack instead.

____________

Dear KSK,
No FF question, just sex. I’m in my mid-20’s and have been dating my girlfriend for 6 months. She’s the first person I’ve ever had sex with, and for the most part, it’s great. The problem is, I occasionally have a difficulty getting/maintaining an erection prior to sex. We’ll be fooling around, I’ll be all good to go, I’ll spend some time getting her in the mood via oral/other means, and then when it’s time for us to actually have sex, I go limp.

She’s been very understanding and say it’s just because I’m nervous/putting too much pressure on myself because I want it to be spectacular all the time. Which is true: I DO want it to be wonderful for her every time, because I love her very much. I guess my questions are: should I be concerned? Is something seriously wrong with me? How do I get myself to just calm down and enjoy the moment? Is it all in my head? Is it possible to just NOT be in the mood sometimes (whether due to stress? or diet?). I apologize if this is incredibly naive; like I said earlier, it’s my first sexual relationship, so it’s all new territory for me. Thanks, and keep up the great work. You’re fantastic at what you do.
-M.J.

Fantastic at what I do? Have you and I had sex? Oh, you mean the writing. Eh, it’s hit and miss.

Anyway, this is territory that you should probably seek actual professional help for. I know, I know: free advice from an NFL blogger seems like a good idea, but a psychiatrist and/or a urologist are more likely to have the answers you seek, as there are any number of problems that could be mental or physiological. Maybe you need some Viagra, maybe you just need a breathing exercise from Eastern medicine; I have no way of knowing. The important thing is, ha ha! You can’t get your dick hard! Hey everybody! Look over here! It’s Spongerod McFlaccidpants!

____________

Hey Guys,
I’ve written before, and actually found your advice quite helpful,

Must’ve been one that Drew wrote.

so I’ll give it another shot. There’s a girl that my friend has recently started dating. Her and I

She and I

met about two weeks after they did (not through him, but through a mutual friend), and I believe that the only reason we aren’t together is because he happened to meet her first.

Join the club. I’d be married to Adriana Lima if I only could have met her before she settled for Marko Jaric.

We get along great, have a ton in common, yada yada yada, while my friend/her boyfriend is getting more and more jealous of our relationship. He hasn’t overtly told me not to talk to her, but he’s made it pretty clear through his actions that he doesn’t like how close her and I are getting.

Again: she and I. Listen to how stupid this sentence sounds:

Her doesn’t mind that my grammar is terrible.

That’s how you sound every time you try to make “her” the subject of a sentence. Like someone on “Cops.”

The truth is, that I don’t really blame him. A couple of weeks ago her and I went out to trivia night at a bar, got hammered, and fucked. Do I feel bad about this? No, not really. The guy isn’t much more than a good acquaintance who I work with,

No, you can go ahead and downgrade him to “enemy.” While you, sir, have scored a promotion to “Asshole, First Class.”

and this chick is someone I could really see myself getting into. Additionally, he’s not all that nice to her at times. She’s asked me to keep her philandering between us, for obvious reasons, which I entirely plan on doing.

But, here’s my question (long winded I know, my apologies), I would love nothing more than to take this girl away from the guy and try dating her. Do you have any advice on how to accomplish this?

Well, you can start by having sex with his girlfriend. That’s a good first step. Oh, you’re already there? Well then, bully for you.

(Keep in mind, I’m not the type of guy who fucks his friends girlfriends, shows no regret, and take the role of home wrecker, so I’m not as big of an asshole as this may be making me sound like)
Thanks for the help,
Bloodbuzzed in Buffalo

“I may have fucked this guy’s girlfriend and shown no regret, but I’m not the kind of guy who fucks a guy’s girlfriend and shows no regret.” No, fuck YOU. You’re exactly that person. You are precisely as big of an asshole as it sounds like.

Who we are is merely a collection of our actions. This may be the first time you’ve behaved like this, or it may not. It may be merely the first time you’ve had the opportunity to do something like this. Regardless, the motivation for your actions (“he’s not perfect, and I like her”) is shallow and your haughty disregard for social mores is indefensible.

Now, I’m not pointing my finger from some ivory tower. I’ve done my share of asshole things — I’ve probably done worse things, or at least more things that are about as bad — but I don’t whitewash it with, “I’m really not a bad guy.” Most dudes aren’t inherent dickheads or perfect gentlemen 100% of the time. I’ve had periods of being an absolute prince intermixed with some Grade-A asshole behavior. What separates the decent humans dabbling in asshole behavior with real, true, full-time assholes is whether or not they recognize that their actions are dishonest and hurtful and consequently feel guilt and a desire to not repeat those actions.

However, YOU, budding asshole, still have a chance to salvage this. Talk to this girl. Say: “Hey, I really like you and got carried away with my feelings. But I don’t think we should hang out any more while you’re dating my friend, who I’m only calling “friend” because it’s fewer syllables than ‘guy I could give two shits about because I slept with his girlfriend.'”

But I doubt you’ll do that. You seem like an asshole.

___________

Welcome back from vacation guys (it’s been hell without you!),

Sorry. But we DO take a week off every summer. It’s even in our contract, right below the no-pants clause.

Football first: Where would you rank Eli Manning among fantasy quarterbacks this upcoming season? He’s no Aaron Rodgers that’s for sure, but do you think his fantasy value could be higher than someone like Tom Brady?

No. He could not be higher than Tom Brady. He helped defeat the Patriots in a Super Bowl, and you should probably just be happy with that.

I’d draft Manning if I somehow forgot the quarterback position existed through the first three or four rounds of my draft, and my choices were Manning and, like, Jason Campbell.

Sex (or something like it): I recently moved to a new state (a whole new coast in fact) and have been slowly making new friends in this strange new world aka California. The women situation here has been decent and consistent for a man in his late 20’s. About a month ago I met an amazingly beautiful woman at a bar. Turns out she’s a lawyer and is every bit as awesome a person as she is hot (quite rare!). She is somewhat new to the area as well and doesn’t have many friends, according to her. Despite her being sloshed when we met, she’s actually not too much of a drinker and we have such matching personalities and senses of humor and a lot of other things. We text constantly and waste time at work on gchat every day, talking for hours at a time.

But, whenever I’ve tried to set up a date or to meet up in person, things always seem to stop it. She has plans already, I have plans, etc.. This has been going on for a month now. We have not seen each other in person since the night we met. Yet we still enjoy chatting constantly. Last week she dropped the, “I just started dating someone” line. Yet she is the one who usually initiates our chats, she is the one who found me on Facebook after a few days of texting, and if you could see the general tenor of our chats, you’d agree that she is into me. She did say this guy she’s seeing isn’t serious or exclusive by any means. I guess my question is: Am I trapped in the friend zone already? Any helpful hints on how to break out of it? Thing is, she’s so cool that if we ended up being just friends, that would not be a total loss for me. But I would like to have the chance to see if it could be better.
Good to have you guys back!
-Curtis Mayfield Jr

DO YOU PEOPLE EVER READ THE MAILBAG?????

Okay, this is the last time I’m going to write about men stuck in platonic friendships with women they want to date. After today, I’m bookmarking it and just referring future questions to this link.

Here’s the deal. Women are wonderful creatures. I adore them. They smell nice, they have body parts I enjoy touching, and they’re vital to the survival of our species. So please take the following advice NOT as misogyny gone awry, but as a warning of a habit that many people of the fairer gender have. I’ll even put it in italics so that future generations can find it more easily:

Women LOVE attention. They absolutely crave it. Attention from a man feeds their ego and improves their self-image, which is important because women are constantly judged on how they look, and porn/Victoria’s Secret/fashion magazines blah blah blah. The thing is, while YOU think that a woman responding to your texts and chats is a sign that she might sleep with you, SHE’s just enjoying the fact that a man is giving her attention. Yes, even if she has a boyfriend. Yes, even if she’s flirting with you. She doesn’t need sex; she wants your time, your precious minutes and hours.

The best way to make inroads in this kind of relationship is to take away what she wants: you paying attention to her. Don’t respond to texts for a day. Don’t sign into chat — or, better, ignore her. This will make her wonder if she did something wrong, or if she somehow became unattractive to you, thus making YOU more attractive to her. This opens the door to the possibility of you having a sexual relationship, but what will DEFINITELY happen is that someone who isn’t interested in you will no longer be wasting your time.

____________

Dear KSK,
Fantasy: Who would you say is this year’s Matt Forte, in that they came on strong one year, then get taken too high in the subsequent draft and come crashing back down to Earth? I’m guessing Miles Austin.

I don’t know, but frankly I think Austin’s the real deal. Big physique, very good hands. Like a slightly smaller Terrell Owens who can actually catch.

Sex: More a relationship query. Been dating my girl almost a year now. We’re in love, I’ve told her I will propose to her/she’s told me she’ll say yes. I’m currently saving up money for an engagement ring. There is one thing that worries me: She is a Christian and intellectually I am at heart a Deist/Agnostic. As Christians go, she fortunately believes in evolution, doesn’t hate gay people, and her politics veer towards the left, which is a relief for me. She’s a shy person and has no desire to “get involved” in fellowship ministries. Thankfully it’s only a one-hour experience on Sunday 1-2 times a month and no more.

She labors under the impression that I am a Christian and I’ve never corrected this, because when we first started dating, before we fell in love with each other, she said she would have a real hard time dating a non-Christian.

Good call! If you avoid being honest early in a relationship, it in no way will manifest itself in future problems.

I grew up with parents who made me go to church so I’ve rationalized this with the reasoning that I am a Christian by heritage, if not belief. She comes from a rural background, and her parents and a lot of her extended family/friends are extremely conservative Christian Palin-loving types that I have nothing in common with. Their expressions of faith give me the willies, but I understand I have to accept them as they are because they will likely never change. I never express agreement with the things they say, but keep my mouth shut in order to keep the peace.

I’ve never been married, but I’ve heard loads of advice from my parents (married 36 years with less-than-ideal in-laws) and my sister (married nine years with less-than-ideal in-laws). Or rather, the same advice many times: “Remember, you marry the entire family” and “Marry an orphan.”

I am agonizing over how much I should reveal to her about how I truly feel about faith (I’m not that hostile, I just thing organized religion tries to fill in the blanks towards questions that don’t really have answers). I don’t care if she insists on raising our children as Christian, and I am willing to accompany her to Church at the same rate that we’ve been going. In any relationship you are going to have to do things from time to time that you’d rather not. A couple of hours in the pews each month is not that different to me than accompanying her to work functions or some of the other boyfriend/spouse duties that crop up.

It sounds to me like you’re comfortable with her beliefs, but you’re not sure if she’s comfortable with yours. Because you’ve been dishonest about them. Call me crazy, but if you’re so wildly in love with this girl, then maybe you can respect her enough to be yourself around her.

And if she rejects you for your beliefs — or lack of them — then the joke’s on her, because THERE IS NO GOD! Ha ha, what an idiot.