(Hasbrouck Heights, New Jersey, 1950)

Little Timmy: I’ll trade ya a Joey D card for your Babe Ruth jersey!

Little Johnny: Are you crazy?! That’s the Babe’s old jersey, Timmy! Keep dreamin’. Besides, my old man says this Mantle fella will be ten times the player Joey D ever was!

Little Timmy: Your old man is drinkin’ Tiger Eye at the docks again!

Little Johnny: Heyyyy, we’ll have words, tough guy!

Little Vinny: Hey you guys! You put those marbles down and come play some stickball with us! You don’t come now, you’ll have to watch us from the stoop of old man Palermo’s shop!

Little Johnny: Okay, but this time, any ball that hits Palermo’s sign count as a homer!

Little Vinny: Oh, fine.

Little Johnny: And little Duane can’t play!

Little Vinny: Don’t worry about it. I heard his ma took him to the aquarium today. We won’t have to worry about him!

(ground rumbles)

Little Johnny: What was that? You hear that, Vinny?

Little Vinny: I did! You hear that, Timmy?

Little Timmy: I did! What could it be?

(playground flies open)

Baby Duane Parcells: YOU GUYS ARE PLAYING FUCKING STICKBALL? I’D LIKE TO PLAY FUCKING STICKBALL! I’M GOOD AT STICKBALL AND MY DAD SAID SO AND HE FOUGHT IN SIX WARS SO FUCK YOU!

Little Vinny: You can’t play with us, DUANE.

Baby Duane Parcells: I’M THE FUCKING BEST AND I KNOW WHAT IT TAKES TO MAKE A GOOD STICKBALL PLAYER. THE KEY IS BEING GOOD WITH THE STICK, SO SUCK ON THAT.

(eats boogers)

Little Timmy: No way. I don’t play if little DUANE plays. You’re fat and gross, DUANE.

Baby Duane Parcells: AM NOT MY DAD SAYS I’M BUILT LIKE A BRICK SHITHOUSES AND BRICK IS WHAT MAKES A GOOD SHITHOUSE.

(smells like old socks)

Little Vinny: Pfft. Your old man didn’t fight in any WARS. Your old man is just some fat pig who sews nametags on clothes.

Baby Duane Parcells: NUH UH HE’S WITH SPECIAL FORCES AND HE’LL FUCK YOU UP GOOD AND HE TAUGHT ME EVERYTHING HE KNOWS. I KNOW THIS JAP THING WHERE I POKE YOUR CHEST WITH TWO FINGERS AND YOU WILL FUCKING DIE.

(tits sweat profusely)

Little Vinny: Okay, then. DO IT. Poke me with your fingers and kill me.

Little Timmy: Yeah, kill him. You fatty fat fat.

Baby Duane Parcells: WELL I CAN’T DO THAT BECAUSE IN KUNG JUDO YOU CAN’T ATTACK UNLESS IT’S SELF-DEFENSE OR YOU HAVE NO HONOR.

Little Timmy: He’s lyin’!

Little Johnny: He’s full of beans, he is!

Little Vinny: You can’t play with us, EVER. Go home to your loser of an old man, DUANE. No one likes you.

Baby Duane Parcells: YEAH WELL I DON’T WANT TO PLAY WITH YOUR FUCKFACES ANYWAY YOU GUYS ARE NOTHING BUT GIRLS AND YOU LACK A PROPER WORK ETHIC. YOU’RE ALL CUT FROM MY STICKBALL TEAM.

Little Vinny: Come on, guys. We’ll play somewhere else.

Baby Duane Parcells: FUCK YOU YOU’LL REGRET TAKING THE EASY PATH.

(goes home)

Baby Duane Parcells: MOM, WE’RE OUT OF FUCKING BOSCO!

(farts)