riversface

I know how you Internet chucklecocks like to vicariously live through my life. That’s just fine. If I spent my time committing the sin of pleasuring myself at the office while trying to ignore the 300-pound office manager telling me about her nephew’s rained out tee-ball game from over the weekend, you can damn sure bet I’d be envious and resentful of men who decided not to squander the precious gift of life.

But The Good Lord instructs us not to judge, so it’s not my place to condemn you sorry spoonfuls of nutria shit, no matter how pathetic your groveling might get. I leave that to Him.

However, it has come to my attention that many of you Christ love thieves have been clamoring for my reaction to Tim Tebow being drafted by the Denver Donkeycunts. I don’t know why. Don’t none of you have anything to do with your pissant lives? Isn’t there some porno jigsaw puzzle you could be doing instead? Would that titillate you, you sickening perverts?

Is it because, like me, he too is a man of faith? Is that it? Look, I welcome all those who carry the faith. Even the ones who suck at quarterbacking. But, if I may, I would like to say just one thing about Mr. Tebow. And that is…

FUCK THAT FILIPINO DICK SLICING BIBLETARD AND HIS AUTISTIC ARM MOTION

I don’t wanna talk about that sorry son of a bitch. Tim Tebow can eat the souls of sinners out of Satan’s dog’s shit. I wanna talk about how I got to throw out the first pitch at the Padres game last month. ‘CAUSE IT WAS FUCKING AWESOME!

riversaloof

Ha. Look at this Jack-o’-lantern-headed faggot in the headset trying to give me the lowdown on throwing a ball. To me, of all people. Can you believe that? I ain’t even listening to that cow twat. If you look closely, I’m giving him the finger too. DON’T NOBODY SNEAK THE BIRD LIKE KING LASERFACE!

riversmound

Here I am on that dirt patch thing that pitchers use to scratch their dick before throwing it to the asshole with the bat. Notice how nice I am to lift my arm for the crowd. Everyone who showed up that day did so to get a live picture of this miracle arm and the gifts it bestows. I am not one to let down my adoring public. UNLESS IT’S YOU PATHETIC INTERNET FAGGOTS! I CAN’T WAIT FOR CHRIS HANSON TO EXPOSE ALL OF YOU FOR THE MONSTERS YOU ARE!

riverspitch

Look at that form. If you Internet heathens should be masturbating to anything, it’s that. Problem is, my form is so beautiful, I had this picture printed onto T-shirts for all my sixteen kids to wear around the house. AND I WILL NOT HAVE INTERNET HEATHENS MASTURBATING TO MY OFFSPRING! AS GOD IS MY HOMEBOY AND WITNESS, I WON’T ALLOW IT!

riverspitchfloat

Now, some folks got all heated because my first pitch floated for six and a half hours. What’s the problem? Ain’t that how long one of those sorry-ass baseball games last anyhow? I was just trying to make sure they got their money’s worth. People always find something to bitch about.

petcoseats

The Padres assholes got upset because a bunch of people ended up leaving instead of waiting for my majestic float to make it to the catcher. I SAY THEY CAN EAT SAND SHIT WITH THE MOOSLUMS. Then, when my awesome throw did get to the plate, a couple shitheels tried to say I threw the ball low and outside. THAT’S CALLED LEADING THE RECEIVER, DICK FER BRAINS! Don’t you know anything? You throw it right to him, it’s gonna get picked off.

But overall, I’d say it was a positive experience and if I did my small part in keeping people distracted from sex for one evening, it was all worth it.