When we last left bitch/lover/child/mother/sinner/saint Peter King, he was regaling you with tales of Tom Brady’s wonderful bi-coastal existence (He lives on both coasts? Who knew? Who figured? Who guessed? Who’s that girl? Whoooooo are you? Who who? Who who?), and declaring a fattywa on Brian Cushing of the Texans. LET PETER’S IMAGINARY SCARLET S FOREVER TARNISH YOUR 2009 DPOY AWARD, YOUNG RAGAMUFFIN.

So what of this week? Is it raining sideways in Boston right now? Did Indiana, PA get a third Starbucks? ARE YOU PEOPLE RESPECTING COAL THE WAY YOU OUGHT TO? Coal is the sun of flammable minerals! And who’s ready to talk some BASEBALL? Huh? Huh? Read on. Hi, everybody! It’s nice to be back.

I’m playing the Stadium Course here at Sawgrass today…

I’m Peter King and I get to do fun things! I also own a MacBook Air and a Kindle! I speak with important people like Tony Dungy! I occasionally watch feature films and evaluate them!

…as part of the annual Tom Coughlin/Jay Fund tournament benefiting cancer-stricken kids and their families. Over/under on the number of balls I put in the drink at 17: 17.

/takes the over
/buys house in gated community

Great, classic Coughlin scene last night at the dinner and auction at the Sawgrass TPC Clubhouse

So funny. This one couple arrived late, and then Coughlin turned beet red and whipped them both to death with a putter. Always the charmer.

Coughlin had just told the story of a child looking up at his parents when the cancer diagnosis came in, saying, “Am I going to die?”

You sure are, kid!

And from the back of the audience:

“BRRRRRRRING!” “BRRRRRRRING!”

BRRRRRRRING me a pair of scissors to cut this child’s feeding tube.

Someone’s cell phone.

Oh.

Without breaking verbal stride…

Coughlin caught a perfect Drew Brees spiral with his teeth!

Coughlin said into the mike: “All right. That’s at least a $5,000 fine right there. Just write the check right now.”

Pretty good for Coughlin. Pretty good for anyone in the middle of something emotional.

You can apply that last sentence so to many different situations. It’s so versatile.

“And then Officer Dimes took out his pistol and shot the fleeing terrorist in the back. Pretty good for anyone in the middle of something emotional.”

“Saw ‘Julie And Julia’ a third time. I was able to open a particularly stubborn pistachio during the scene where Streep is crying because she can’t have kids. Pretty good for anyone in the middle of something emotional.”

“Even though no signs told me where the Providence airport was, I found my way thanks to a life-saving call from Mitch Puin. Pretty good for anyone in the middle of something emotional.”

So before I go out this morning, let me embarrass myself by ranking the NFL one through 32. That’s not being overly modest — just realistic.

I know I shouldn’t usually be THIS humble! I mean, I played Sawgrass today!

But I press on — stupidly or intrepidly, not sure which…

If you’re not sure which, it’s the former.

1. Green Bay. It’s not just the maturation of Aaron Rodgers. It’s the carryover from a fluky end to 2009 (the weird playoff loss at Arizona)

I know! So weird! It’s so bizarre how their defense collapsed and let Arizona hang 50+ on them! That kind of thing would have happened if that game had been played on an alternate plane that more closely adheres to the laws of THIS world!

I don’t trust the pass-rush (where Clay Matthews is the only real thing), and I worry about two of the top three corners coming off ACL surgery, and aging.

Hey, their defense blows. But let’s rank them #1!

And don’t forget that their offensive line is terrible. Which is so WEIRD and fluky!

2. San Diego. I didn’t like how much the Chargers traded to get Ryan Mathews (the 28th and 40th picks in a strong draft) when they probably could have gotten him for less, but that doesn’t mean I don’t like what Mathews is going to do. I think he’ll be the offensive rookie of the year.

I don’t like that they drafted this player. THIS PLAYER IS GONNA BE FUCKING AWESOME.

He has everything a good back needs — opportunity (he should get 320 carries if healthy), playing from ahead a lot, and a good offensive line. And did I mention Philip Rivers will throw for 4,500 yards and contend strongly for MVP?

And did I mention Norv Turner is the coach and this team folds like a Tim Tebow prayer booklet?

As with Green Bay, I don’t know where all the pass-rush will come from.

Criteria for reaching the top of Peter’s power poll.

1) Can you rush the passer?
2) Don’t worry about it. You’re all good!

The Chargers are a major matchup problem for Indianapolis, and even with some upheaval in San Diego, the AFC still could come down to Indy having to win at San Diego to make it to the Super Bowl.

I like how he assumes the Chargers can win a divisional playoff game at home. It’s like history never happens!

6. Miami…. The most important rookie in the league to a playoff contender, other than Ryan Mathews of the Chargers, could well be Koa Misi, the second-rounder projected to rush the passer for Miami. But as Bill Parcells has said since he came out of the womb, “They don’t sell insurance for that kind of thing.”

Other things Bill Parcells has said since coming out of the womb:

“Hey ma, this nurse is a nip.”

“Lawrence Taylor can rape anyone he wants so long as he gets me quality hits on the QB.”

“Know the secret to being a good baseball player? Being good at playing baseball.”

“Tell Francesca these donuts are fucking lukewarm and have his sorry ass get me a fresh dozen.”

“You are what you are. And what you are is a filthy Jap.”

8. Carolina. Dangerous team.

They lead the league in trepidatiousness!

Very deceiving 8-8 record last year.

They actually won TEN games. You just didn’t see it.

While everyone tiptoed around it because everyone in the Carolinas loves Jake Delhomme…

They do? What? Who does? What the fuck is wrong with that state? Who tiptoed around this fact? Anyone? Didn’t the whole world shout out last year that Jake Delhomme is a dead fetus left in a sewer?

…something awful happened to him in the last year and a half.

THE HELL IT DID. I LOVE JAKE DELHOMME AND I DON’T WANT TO HEAR THE HARD TRUTH.

9. New York Giants. Pick a team out of the hat in this division. In the last six years, the NFC East champs, in order, have been Philadelphia, New York, Philadelphia, Dallas, New York and Dallas.

Pick a team out of a hat! ANY team could win this division! Except Washington. I guess you’d leave Washington out of that hat. Still, A DEAD HEAT.

11. Seattle. I don’t love the division, so it’s logical to give Turnaround Team of the Year to Pete Carroll and the Seahawks.

Well, there’s nothing logical about that. Hey, let’s pick the team with a glorified mascot at coach and a QB with 43% of his spine missing!

“We will increase competition at every position on the roster.” Charlie Whitehurst, Leon Washington, LenDale White (laugh if you must, but he’ll be a factor because Carroll will know how to press his buttons)

“LenDale, you know I have those Chocodiles in my desk.”

22. Arizona. Let’s just say everything I hear about Matt Leinart is lukewarm.

“Leinart? Well, he sure knows how to fuck college girls.”

23. Cincinnati. I love Carson Palmer. I worry about Carson Palmer.

I like Carson Palmer. I fear Carson Palmer. I adore Carson Palmer. I know Carson Palmer. I ate Carson Palmer.

25. Chicago. The Mike Martz-Jay Cutler marriage could work, or it could explode.

Hey, this thing could turn out good. Or bad.

28. Oakland. Good for Tom Cable.

When his wife forgot to make biscuits, he used his WORDS, instead of forcing her head into a 400 degree oven! Good nugget.

29. Cleveland. Still can’t believe the Browns paid Jake Delhomme $7 million to play quarterback this year. For a team I rank so low, there’s a lot about Cleveland I like.

This team is fucking terrible. And yet, I think they’re kinda good in some ways! Except that I don’t. This season could work for them, or it could EXPLODE.

The one thing about player movement that has befuddled me all offseason is when I hear fans and some in the media wonder, “Why isn’t anyone going after Shawne Merriman? He’s a restricted free-agent, only 25, and the Chargers would let him go.”

Because he sucks? Because his knees are shot? Because he likes beating up fame-whoring psychodawrfs? Because he makes Ben Roethlisberger look like a gentleman?

Enjoyable/Aggravating Travel Note of the Week

Our JetBlue flight from Boston to Jacksonville got us here just fine Sunday afternoon…

Buuuuut?

but

I KNEW IT.

…with nothing but hot air flowing through the cabin.

NO! Oh my God! That is horrible! It’s like being trapped on Payne Stewart’s flying coffin!

Try that for three hours…

And see if you make it out ALIVE!

…when no one has the sense to close the window shades to cut down on the heat. About midway through the flight, the captain came on to apologize for the warm temps and said they were doing everything they could, but nothing ever changed, and it was a toasty 88 or so throughout the last couple of hours inside the boiling tube. When I got off the plane, Don Hasselbeck (the former NFL tight end, now a Reebok exec coming in for the tournament) followed me off, and I noticed his polo shirt was soaked through.

A horrifying symbol of just how extreme the climate got. IT WAS AS IF WE WERE FLYING INTO THE SUN ITSELF. ALL THE KIT KATS MELTED!!!!!!

Tweet of the Week

“Not to pile on, but the nickname JaCarcus seems especially relevant now that Russell’s career with the Raiders is dead.”

@BobGlauber, Newsday football writer Bob Glauber, on the spectacularly flamed-out 2007 first overall pick in the draft, JaMarcus Russell.

Oh, I get it. Because JaCarcus sounds like carcass, which is a dead body, and his career is dead. I never would have enjoyed the joke that much if you hadn’t connected the dots for me like that. That’s textbook Caliendo technique right there, my friend.

The Associated Press, the news agency that oversees the (DPOY) balloting, has to make some hard-and-fast rules for future all-pro teams and awards.

NO STEROID USERS
NO VOTING FOR GRIZZLY BEARS
DEREK JETER ELIGIBLE FOR ALL AWARDS

This voting shows that too many of the 50 men and women who vote want rules and don’t want to have to unilaterally decide whether to vote for suspended players or not.

Pretty sure the vote showed that they thought Brian Cushing played the best of the 2009 defensive rookies. Then again, I’m not one for subexts.

I was comfortable in drawing a line in the sand from this day forward, saying I’d never vote for another performance-enhancer. But obviously some of my peers were not. My feeling is we shouldn’t be able to vote for any player or coach who has been suspended for performance-enhancing drugs or for masking agents for performance-enhancers.

I didn’t chime in on this last week, so allow me to do so now. This is not baseball. Okay? This is football. We don’t give a flying shit about steroids over here in FootballLand. Caring about steroids is for boring, dipshit sports where people care deeply about historic stats because the game itself isn’t interesting enough to capture your undivided attention. Brian Cushing tested positive for a banned substance and will be punished for 4 games for it. He was allowed to play last year while the specter of that positive test hung over his head. The NFL said he could play, so he played. What the fuck was he supposed to do? Not play? In fact, doesn’t the fact that Cushing knew he had a positive test indicate he probably spent this season steadfastly AVOIDING illegal substances? The NFL said he was cleared to fucking play. Good enough for me. Let the guy keep his award, serve his suspension, and go about his business. This is fucking FOOTBALL.

I don’t believe Cushing’s tumor defense.

So what you’re saying is…

re-hospital-stay

I think if the Colts had it to do all over again, they’d have activated Sam Giguere, a reserve wideout from a small college in Quebec, to play in the spot Hank Baskett occupied on the kick-return team late last season… I think the Colts were starting to have real questions about Baskett’s hands by late in the season, and they nearly made the move to Giguere.

In retrospect, maybe we saw this coming.

I think I’ll be stunned if the 2014 Super Bowl is not played in New Jersey.

/books flight to Tampa

And I think the players in that game will be thrilled to know they’re staying in the Jersey burbs, not Manhattan, with the practices in New Jersey (one team at the Meadowlands, where the Giants work out, and the other in Florham Park, 35 minutes to the west, where the Jets train). Logistics will be a mess, unless everyone commutes by chopper.

AND IT’LL BE SO COLD! WHY CAN’T THEY AWARD THE GAME TO MY JETBLUE FLIGHT?!

I think it’s sad to report the death of 37-year-old Norman Hand…

Aloha, Mr. Hand!

/rimshot

I’m not saying The Office has jumped the shark or anything…

The Office has jumped the shark.

…but I watched one of the DVRed new episodes (I think from the night of the draft), about Michael chasing some attractive bar owner, and I didn’t chuckle, guffaw or laugh one time.

Why can’t they get Bob Glauber to write this show? You know where you stand with a Bob Glauber joke!

I’m trying to figure out what’s changed. I think it has something to do with Pam and Jim, but I’m not sure. I just know it’s not very funny.

/thinks

/thinks some more

/drinks ice cold Illy

/thinks

I got it. NOT ENOUGH NARD DOG!!!!!

If you want the World Cup to return to the United States in 2018 or 2022, go to USAbid.com and sign the online petition.

No.

Thanks for your film recommendations last week.

Cannot tell you how much I enjoyed “The Battle of Shaker Heights”.

Will act on them in the coming weeks, then in July, post-World Cup.

Thanks for thinking of movies for me to watch! I will watch those movies! Probably over the course of the next few months!

The only movie I watched last week was “Planes, Trains and Automobiles,” which stopped me in my tracks when I had 100 other things to do Thursday. I once met the late John Candy…

…and was terribly disappointed to discover that he is NOT actually made of candy.

…in of all places the locker room of the Toronto Argonauts (which he at the time he owned with Wayne Gretzky and Bruce McNall) in Winnipeg, after Rocket Ismail helped the Argos to a Grey Cup title. I approached Candy…

Stealing a foul ball from a kid was easy. But stealing John’s Bounty coconut bar would prove a much more daunting task…

…wearing the largest fur coat in Canadian history…

“Few people know this, but Canada has a rich history of large fur coats.”

…and told him “Planes, Trains and Automobiles” might have gotten a lukewarm reception from the critics, but I loved it.

Watch as I give one of the great comic actors in history a backhanded compliment!

“Great movie,” I said.

Lofty movie. I HAVE TWO PILLOWS JUST LIKE THAT.

To which he said with a disgusted sneer, “Damn right it was.”

Okay, so does that mean Candy was disgusted with the movie’s critical reception, or with Peter for bringing up its lukewarm critical reception? Did he just call “Planes, Trains and Automobiles” the Matt Leinart of John Hughes comedies?

Well, I’m 11th out of 12 teams in my Jersey-based rotisserie league

NO!

/sheds single, dramatic tear

(thank you, Mr. Broxton; you too, Mr. Ellsbury), so I shook things up Sunday. Dealt Dan Uggla, King Felix (Hernandez) and geezerish Trevor Hoffman for Dustin Pedroia, Ricky Romero and Kerry Wood.

Well, I think that’s a reasonable tr… HOLY FUCK WHY AM I READING THIS?

The King has been underwhelming, but I know that’s a gamble. Have to hope Romero pitches his next 25 starts like he’s pitched the first seven.

Well, I just do a rosary and pray for that to come to pass.

Stay in Cleveland, LeBron.

LeBron: “What’s that? Peter King says stay? DECISION: MADE.”

Coffeenerdness: Meaningless Non-Starbucks Stat of the Week: There are 1,151 places to buy brewed Dunkin Donuts coffee within a 50-mile radius of Boston.

THAT’S HOW MUCH WE-AH LOVE OW-AHHHHHH DUNKIN’! Pretty good coffee for anyone in the middle of something emotional.