In case you missed it, while I was off in Louisiana last week, PUNTE fingerblasted his way through the mailbag in a way that I haven’t done in a long time (if ever). I’ll try to raise my game this week to keep pace, and I’m also adding his other development: handsome dashes to separate the different emails. Oh la la, so fancy!

Discussed this week: keeper leagues, South American women, fantasy drafts, and the most depressing virginity story I’ve ever read.

“Gentlemen”-
Football first (and second):

Whoa whoa whoa. TWO football questions? Only the first one’s free, pal.

1. I’m in a keeper league which in addition to PPR has some kickoff/punt return incentives. We are allowed to keep one player per year who we drafted and never cut, and we lose the draft pick in whichever round we drafted him the year prior. To prove to everyone how fucking smart I was last year, I drafted Josh Cribbs in the 16th (final) round. He ended up a top 20 receiver and top 50 overall, but was highly inconsistent & put up near goose eggs several weeks. I also have the option of Steve NYG Smith in the 14th who I got out of sheer luck. Lloyd Christmas taking the QB helm in Cleveland has pretty much made up my mind for me, but I can’t say I’m a big believer in the Giants, either. Who would you take?

Smith.

2. At the end of the 2009 fantasy season I made a bet with a coworker that the Raiders would have a better record than the Redskins, with X amount of $$ per game difference. Neither of us are fans of either, but we both are overly confident in the inability of the other team. I’m predicting a wash. Your prediction?

As much as it pains me to predict a better outcome for the Redskins, the Raiders are a pretty low bar to step over. The ‘Skins at least have a fighting chance to be .500.

3. Sorry to equate marriage with sex, but that’s all I got for this week: I’m getting married on a fall Sunday later this year. How much woman-trouble do you envision my managing the team via smart phone on the day of causing? The honeymoon will likely fall on another Sunday,

You’re having a one-day honeymoon?

but I figure I’ll have enough free time to sneak some managing in. It’s not like she’s under any delusions of how I want to spend my Sundays till death do us part. And on a side note, what do I owe my groomsmen for “ruining” their Sunday?
Eternally screwed by Steven Jackson,
-A fan

Set your lineup on Sunday morning, then put the smart phone away. Ideally, you get married only ONCE in your life. In contrast, there are 15 other weeks in the fantasy season, and you’ll have every Sunday the rest of your marriage to manage your team obsessively when you don’t have to. Don’t be a fucking douchebag addict over actions that probably won’t even change the outcome of your matchup that week.

All grooms should get their groomsmen a gift, not just the ones who don’t have big enough balls to make sure the fall wedding takes place on a Saturday. In one wedding I was in, the groom got us all Leathermen multi-tools. Another one handed out flasks. Both of those were very good gifts.

—–

Champions of Coitus:
Sex: I am 22, recent college graduate, and undergoing a significant move in August, going to the DC area for a new job. I went to a university that had tons of hot girls and great women at everyone’s disposal, however, being more interested in work and advancing, I never took advantage.

Then you, sir, just wasted four years of your life.

I’m fine with that decision, as I’m making a shitload of money at 22 and have the resources to really impress in a town full of 20something beautiful women.

That sentence brought to you by Summer’s Eve.

The problem: what the hell do I do my next two months here before I leave? I can’t get involved in anything significant with me leaving soon but would just like a casual dating situation with no overhead or baggage, simply hanging out and enjoying the summer, sex doesn’t need to be involved as I got out of a long relationship this spring and I don’t put the pussy on a pedestal. Is that a tough sell or is it doable?

Wait, what? What the hell are you talking about? So do you want casual sex, or are you looking for casual dating without sex, or…?

Buddy, it’s two months. Big fucking deal. Go out with your friends and spend time with the people you won’t be seeing on a regular basis any more. If you meet a girl you like, tell her the situation. It’s not rocket surgery. Most girls would rather hang out with a guy they like for two months — especially if he’s not pressing for sex like you are — than deny themselves the pleasure of human companionship.

Or hell, just get drunk and hook up with whatever comes along. Whatever works. Why am I still answering your question?

Football: I joined a fantasy league for the first time last year, a head-to-head league of ten people that all used to work with me. It was great, live draft at a sports bar, had a scoreboard to run our draft clock, everything. Loved every minute of it, more so because I ran roughshod over the league and won the title in near-dominating fashion. Is it correct to give up my space in this league with me leaving soon for someone who will be there every week, or do I just leave on good terms and find a league in my new home? It seems like a dick move either way; to leave as the champion or to leave and be the only one that isn’t based locally.
-Little Bird

I think the classy move is to stick with the league and defend your title, but offer to give up your space. That way, if they want to keep the league local, they have that option.

—–

Hello Sage of the Sack,
Fantasy first (as it should be): standard scoring keeper league, pick 3: Vernon Davis, DeSean Jackson, LeSean McCoy, Aaron Rodgers, Ronnie Brown, Ricky Williams, Steve Slaton, Steve Smith. I’m most confident in Davis, Jackson, and Rodgers, but that would leave me rather RB exposed (something I’ve always tried to avoid since its easier to find steals at the other positions later — hence why I have some of these guys in the first place).

McCoy’s poised to have a breakout year, especially if you have a PPR league. I wouldn’t hesitate to keep him over Smith. I like Ronnie Brown and Ricky Williams, but you KNOW that the one you pick will be the one to get injured or suspended, and you end up slamming your head against the wall while the other runs for 180 yards, 2 TDs, and adds a passing TD out of the Wildcat. I don’t want that headache.

Also, if you’re going to keep a WR from that group, I’d take DeSean Jackson over Steve Smith. All fuckin’ week.

And sex: In college, first girlfriend ever, almost a year now, sex once a day or more. Yay! But like many others, I sometimes climax too quickly. Or more often it’s not quickly, but it’s right when I don’t want it to happen — just before my girl orgasms. Knowing that she’s about to orgasm and hearing her moan drives me over the edge, but once I ejaculate (she’s on the pill and hates condoms) she generally wants to stop for cleanup, often ending the chance she’ll climax. She’s almost never mad about this and typically does orgasm at least once a week. Still, I feel terrible every time. Thoughts? Advice?
Mucho Thanks,
Wants to Please

Work on your cunnilingus skills. No guy ever came prematurely by munching box.

—–

Hi,
Football: I’m a Denver fan, the hype that Tebow is getting is ridiculous. I don’t see how anyone can live up to it.

Dude, that’s not a question. What is this, sports talk radio?

Now to the important shit: Sex (or lack thereof): I’m 20 years old and have Muscular Dystrophy.

Oh shit. I just gave a smartass response to a disabled person.

Col. Jessup: So how is your dad, Danny?

LT Kaffee: He passed away seven years ago, sir.

Col. Jessup: Don’t I feel like the fuckin’ asshole.

It’s gotten worse over the years and left me in a wheelchair and dependent on a ventilator (think Christopher Reeve after he superman’ed off that horse). I still have feeling everywhere, I just can’t move that much. I have very little hand strength and can only really move my right hand enough to work a touchpad.

Shit, dude.

/wishes PUNTE had taken this week’s mailbag

I’m also a virgin. I’ve tried everything from real life dating (got rejected) to online dating, but no girl ever thinks of me romantically. This wouldn’t be such a big deal if I could jerk off, but, like I said, I don’t have sufficient hand strength.

Saddest. Letter. Ever.

Toys are out of the question because I’d need someone to work them and there’s no one that would do that. Hookers are out of the question because of legal stuff and personal reasons (like refusing to pay for sex).

I’ve never had an orgasm so to say I’m sexually frustrated is like saying Tebow likes Jesus. I’ve asked a lot of people and they’re all kind of lost on what to do.

Well, at the very least, I’m like a lot of people you’ve asked.

It’s not like I don’t have a personality, but I’m just not that good with women. That compounded with the other issues lead to bad luck with the ladies. So, how do I make this situation better?
Thanks,
Hotwheelz

Brutha, that is as tough as sexual predicaments go. I Googled my ass off looking for MD sexual support groups for you, and the best I could find was this article, which doesn’t even take step 1 in getting you off. That’s fucking horse shit.

Let me ask you this: are you in a big city? Have you tried Craigslist? Because HOLY CRAP, there is something for everyone there. I certainly can’t make you any promises, but maybe the right “m4w” or “casual encounter” ad will snare you a woman with a hyperdeveloped Clara Barton streak.

If that doesn’t work, I’d recommend re-thinking your stance on hookers. Good luck.

—–

Dear leaders of the blogosphere
Sex first or hope of sex: I am a freshman in college and I am completely lost and confused. For about the entire year I have been interested in this girl and we have become good friends but nothing more. On multiple occasions she has come on to me briefly and has suggested at us becoming more than friends but then at other times she is completely uninterested and I mean completely uninterested. And she constantly goes after other freshman guys who she openly in front of me describes as very hot and she is attracted openly to one of my good friends. But the more and more she goes through these on and off cycles the more i become uninterested So what should I do should i continue trying or attempt to plow other fields or just tell her how I feel? Please help!
P.S. she is a solid 6 or slightly above average

So you’re no catch then either, huh? We get a lot of emails from guys writing about the “friend zone” and how they can move from that to having the girl be attracted to them. And the best thing you can do is just IGNORE THE FUCK OUT OF HER.

More specifically: don’t cut her out of your life, just show no interest in her whatsoever. Be busy when she needs you. Spend time with other friends. Go do whatever freshmen do (go to parties? study? I’m old.) without inviting her. She’ll wonder why you’re not giving her the attention she’s come to take for granted from you. “Wait, doesn’t he like me any more?” she’ll ask herself. “Maybe I should make out with him.”

That makes no sense whatsoever, right? Welcome to the world of interacting with women.

Quick football question: what do you guys think of Shonn Greene top 10? lower or higher?
sincerely,
Mr.completely lost

Oooh, that’s something I haven’t considered yet. Now, I love me some Shonn Greene: I’ve been convinced he was going on to great things since I watched him at Iowa, and I even drafted him in my fantasy league when he was a rookie (and didn’t play a single snap).

Here’s what the cautious part of me says: he has zero career starts and two career touchdowns (both against the Raiders), compared to three career fumbles. Also, All-Pro Alan Faneca left the team, and the last time I downplayed the importance of an interior lineman, Steve Hutchinson was going to the Vikings. (Ouch.)

Of course, those are numbers from the regular season, which doesn’t include the measty numbers he put up in away playoff games against the Bengals and Chargers (and he played well enough against the Colts, but Thomas Jones sucked while getting the bulk of the carries). Not to mention that when he did get playing time last season, he still averaged 5.0 yards per carry.

With Thomas Jones and Leon Washington out of the way, he has an enormously high ceiling. But you need someone that’s a little more of a sure thing with your first-round pick. I don’t think he’s too much of a reach in the second round, but consider my bias: I’ve wanted him on my fantasy team since he was a Hawkeye. (Translation: he’s probably too much of a reach in the second round.)

—–

Dear Cock Cradles,
Ok so you guys have been rather helpful before. And I seem to provide decent Mailbag fodder…

Wait, who are you?

/searches Gmail

Same reader, April 2009:

On the sexy (or unsexy) side of things, I still got my V-Card. I’m 19. And I’ve been told in all honesty I’m a pretty decent looking person. Problem is I have virtually no connections to any prime ass sources. I was homeschooled (uber religious family) and havent gone to college. I’m in Detroit by the way, where unemployment doesnt hurt your chances because we all are.

So where is the best place for me to go and find some booty considering I am under the legal drinking age and whatnot? Any help is appreciated. I’m 100% confident in my ability to get it, its just a matter of where should I go.

Let’s see what the home-schooled guy’s been up to, shall we?

So heres my current situation. Im still going strong in Peru.

Oh, the Peru guy! The one with a crazy 22-year-old alcoholic Peruvian girlfriend, the umpteenth guy asking about anal who I told to go fuck himself, and the one who was considering forsaking Peruvian chicks for fellow American expats.

Bedding women like old ladies bed flowers. I currently have one absolutely lovely 19 year old who provides me with anal, oral, and mostly everything in between.

That pretty much just leaves the vagina, pal. Unless Peruvian girls have extra holes I don’t know about.

Sexually she is the definition of fantastic… However, shes a bit of a bitch.

Hold on, where’s my tiny violin? Oh, here it is, inside my urethra. No, that’s not a wanking motion, I’m just playing the microscopic violin in my cock.

On the flip side we are also currently engaged in relations with a 17 year old who is firmer, equally hot, and quite fun in bed.

“We”? I hope you mean you and the bitchy 19-year-old, because you sure as fuck aren’t Leitch-era Deadspin.

Although she offers less in the way of pleasures, namely no oral/anal, shes more fun to shag in general and has the most scrumptious penis cozy I’ve ever felt.

Oh, you mean all the pussy you’ve felt since you were a virgin a year ago?

/high-fives everyone in the room

However, her being 17 makes her illegal in Peru.

And in the United States, to boot.

Granted, Im only 20, Im not a pervert, but still its a risk. I personally would rather be with the 17 year old for her lovely personality, and Im sure I can warm her up to doing some more freaky things. I really should let one go, because honestly they are vague acquaintances and its only a matter of time before one slips up and they both discover each other…

No! What are you talking about? You’re dating two acquainted teenage girls in a country where their first language isn’t yours! You’ve got everything under control. Steady as she goes, cap’n.

But damn its tough to decide… Anal or Jailbait? Help!

You ever seen “Locked Up Abroad”? Go with anal. Or maybe neither. It’s not like you’re having a problem finding women to date.

And as far as fantasy football. I’m no longer “eligible” for my USA league where I came in 1st 2nd and 1st over the last 3 years. Should I just do a stupid anonymous internet league or just suck it up and not play for the year. Nobody cares here in Peru.
Thanks, SteelersPride

Seems like you’re staying busy enough. I don’t think you need any other distractions on your plate.

[follow-up email from the same reader]

Ha forgot to send pictures. This should help. I cant send you good ones of the one, being as that would be blatantly illegal… And the first one is the 17 year old and the latter the 19 year old in the bikini. Love ya guys. Go steelers.

Just for the record, I don’t know about “blatantly illegal” — I’ve walked the line before — but I’m going to err on the side of caution and put up only the picture of the 19-year-old, and even that doesn’t sit all that well with me. I have nothing more to add.