rape-stove

It’s a light mailbag this week, folks. Sorry about that; we just didn’t get a whole lot in the way of wild and crazy submissions. But hey, look! Rape Stove! The preferred stove of Lawrence Taylor! Or Ben Roethlisberger! Or some other player accused of rape! Great for baking your 40-pound box of rape!

rape-box

That makes this whole post worthwhile, right?

No? Ah well. Let’s just get it over with then.

(Insert witty greeting here),
FF: Played in a league with the same guys for 3 years now and we are all in agreement we want to start up as a keeper league this year. We have always just used a site ran league where we put our scoring in and it does the rest, so any recommendations for a site that is good for a keeper league format?

Yahoo does everything well. Some people prefer other sites like Fleaflicker, but Yahoo just feels the most user-friendly to me.

Sexytime: 22 year old nerd kid who by the grace of god has fell into an amazing girl who I know is way out of my league. She is older, sexy, funny, and all my friends think she is the shit. (I know if I say hot I have to include pics but a lot of my buddies also read you so to save embarrassment, no deal) Perfect situation, been dating for a few months. She is a single mom who has not even mentioned meeting her kid yet and we hang out most all the time she is kid-free. She usually stays over on the weekends she has her free time and everything to this point has been great, until last weekend.

She sounds like a really great mom.

Long story short I talk in my sleep and decided to go ahead and tell amazing girl I love her. The problem with that is I did not call her by her name but my ex’s name instead. Whoops. She mentioned it the next day but didn’t by any means do a girl freak out. I said I was sorry, and she hasn’t said anything else really although her demeanor has changed this week. Maybe its just me, but she just seems more preoccupied and not as quick to respond to me as normal. This leads me to believe she’s pissed about it but isn’t saying anything. Do I just let sleeping dogs lie, or how do I go about fixing this?
Thanks,
Subconscious Screwup

I’m not sure you can fix this, unless you’re actually in love with this amazing girl and want to clarify your feelings sometime when you’re awake.

Of course, you can try to confront her and see if something’s wrong. I remember one date I went on with a (now-ex-) girlfriend a couple years ago. She was being all quiet and sullen, and I was like, “Listen, it’s obvious something’s bothering you, just tell me what’s up so we can talk about it and make it better.” And she was all, “No, it’s fine, I’m just tired.” Two hours later, as I turn the light off to go to bed, she says, “It just bothers me that…” and she might have finished that sentence had I not strangled her to death on the spot. Some women — correction: some people – would rather be quietly bothered with something and bitch about to their friends instead of resolving the situation with a simple conversation.

Anyway, I’m babbling AND projecting, which doesn’t help you with your problem. I suggest the most tried and true solution in the book: buy her flowers.

Captain Caveman,
Sex: I’ll keep this as short as possible, since I know that’s how you like it. I think I’m in a scenario that is a bit different than most people my age (23). Long story short, I’m a recovering alcoholic. It’s something I’ve kind of known has been an issue for a while, but I haven’t really faced that reality until somewhat recently. I have been completely sober for a little over six months. It’s something I’m proud of, and I am intent on staying this way, but it does pose some problems. Namely, meeting girls and/or hooking up with them. My question is basically a two-parter: 1) when dating, when do you think would be an appropriate time to bring this up? I’m obviously not going to say something on a first date, but it’s clearly something that needs to be put out in the open if I want to have a healthy long-term relationship.

Why would you not say something on the first date? I mean, you don’t HAVE to bring it up, but if you go to dinner or out to a bar after a movie and you don’t have a drink, she may very well ask why you’re not drinking. Go ahead and be honest: tell her you’ve already done a lifetime of drinking, and/or you didn’t like the person you were when you drank. There’s no shame in honesty and self-improvement.

2) What are the ethics behind going home with a girl that I meet out? Just because I’m not drinking doesn’t mean I won’t still be out in normal situations with other people my age – where drinking is kind of the main focus. So what do I do if a girl obviously wants to hook up, but has been drinking? Normally, that’d be a green light for most 20-somethings, who have also imbibed throughout the night. But being sober, it just feels…wrong. Your thoughts?

Hey, if a girl wants to hook up with you, go for it. She’s an adult — at least, I would hope and assume so — and she’s drinking, at least in part, to lower her inhibitions. Is she only supposed to hook up with guys as drunk as she is, so that both parties can blame it on the alcohol in the morning?

I say go ahead and hook up with that hypothetical drunk girl (just make sure she’s not TOO drunk, gnome sayin’?). There aren’t many advantages to not drinking, but being clear-headed at the end of the night and being able to drive your conquest home are two of the few.

Football: My one championship-winning fantasy football season in six years has been with Donovan McNabb at the helm. Obviously, he wouldn’t be my first choice for QB (or my 5th, for that matter), but do you think there’s a chance he has a bit of a resurgence this year with the Redskins? I’m no Washington fan (it’s more that I despise the Eagles, and would love to see their fans regret running him out of town), but am I crazy to think he could regain some form with a new team?
Sincerely, Dry Drunk

No, you’re not crazy. Oh wait, that new team is the Redskins? Then yes. Definitely crazy.

Dear KSK,

Football, because the rules stipulate it – the knocks I saw people giving Sergio Kindle centre on his work ethic and injury problems. Work ethic is hopefully something the team’s veterans can pummel into him (possibly on pain of stabbing), but how concerned should I be with his history of knee injuries? That’s a vague question and one you probably don’t have the answer for, but it just popped into my head.

Kindle has already been vocal about winning Defensive Rookie of the Year, and he certainly has the talent and 3-4 skills on a good defensive team to do so. I wouldn’t worry about the work ethic thing — plenty of football stars have DWI charges in undergrad and move on to better things. Why, just look at Jerramy Stevens!

So, bad example. But back to your question:

how concerned should I be with his history of knee injuries?

Hold on, let me shove this crystal ball and magic 8-ball up my ass, and maybe I can crap out an answer. My rectum is never wrong!

Sex – well, it’s not even sex, really. I’m just curious how you got used to sleeping in the same bed as your girls. Maybe it’s because it’s unusual or because I like to flail, but I’m finding it nearly impossible. If I need to sleep, I have to sleep in another bed.
-Thrash McDreamy

Are you kidding? I sleep way better with a woman next to me. They’re like teddy bears with vaginas.

You’ve got some kind of problem that I don’t know anything about, because the only professional schooling I have beyond undergrad involves things like calling for artillery and the use of claymores when preparing an L-shaped ambush. I recommend speaking to your physician and looking into tests at a sleep institute.

Smartest Gay Mafia on the Internet:
I have a friend getting married soon. Recently, we were discussing past sexual conquests. He noted he wishes he had sex with more girls in college. Hard to disagree with that statement. Then he said there were specifically two girls he was friends with that he wishes he would have had sex with. If he’d done that, he’d have been with “enough” women. Now, I’m not concerned this will impact his upcoming nuptials or anything, but I do fundamentally disagree with what he said. If he’d had sex with those two, there’d be two more women he’d wish he’d have had sex with. There will always be some woman or women that we wanted to have sex with and didn’t. It’s our nature as men. Even guys who have slept with thousands of women probably have one or two that “got away”. There’s no such thing as “enough.” No man says “I’ve had sex with enough women, time to get married.” I’m pretty sure they say “I really love this woman, so I’m done sleeping with other ones”. What are your thoughts on the subject?

Yeah, that’s about right. No matter how happy a man is in a relationship, he’s bound to be a little depressed when he thinks about how he’ll never see an old college friend or the flirty woman at the gym or the grocery cashier naked. I’m not even married, and just thinking about the women I won’t get to sleep with makes me kind of sad.

Same guy has not paid his league fees for last year’s fantasy football. He’s also notorious for paying late. Granted, he lives out of state, but it’s 2010, not like he has to contract the Pony Express to send money across the country. Dick move to deduct payment from his wedding present? Better or worse than requesting payment during the ceremony? I will probably just ask him for the money again, but the other scenarios are much more fun.
- J.H.

Yeah, definitely be the guy who talks about late payments for his fantasy football league at a friend’s wedding. Everyone will think you’re totally cool.

Hey KSK,
First FFB: After playing fantasy football for a while I have come to this understanding:
1. You can’t make the playoffs without a Top 5 QB
2. You can’t win a Championship with Peyton Manning as your QB

Well, considering a lot of leagues have 6- and 8-team playoffs, I would theorize that you CAN make the playoffs without a Top 5 QB. And you probably can win a championship with Manning, but only if he’s on your bench in Week 16.

So, Who are your Top 5 Fantasy QBs this year (non Manning)? Mine is Rodgers, Rivers, Schaub, Brees, Brady in that order.

Mine are similar to yours, but with correct grammar. I’d put Brees first because even if he has a bad week, I’ll still like him. Then Rodgers, Schaub, Rivers, and Brady.

Relationships: I’ve been married for 3 years (I’m 30) and I love my wife. But, whenever we go to my parents house together, she always drops a “Can we not stay here too long?” or “I don’t want to stay all night with your parents.”

And then when we go to her parents house, we stay FOR-EVER. It is never a short visit, and she wants to get there early and stay late. It pisses me off that she always finds excuses with my parents, but she never wants to leave her parents at a reasonable hour.

Do I bring this up with her, or do I just bite my tongue with the in-laws and avoid the fight (that’s bound to come)? Help me KSK. You’re my only hope.
Thanks, Rex

Everyone in my family always gives me the same advice: “Marry an orphan.”

What you’ve got is a run-of-the-mill stock marriage problem experienced by almost every married couple I’ve ever known. There’s nothing wrong with wanting a fair (read: limited) exposure to in-laws. Obviously, you need to address the problem with your wife — just do it with tact and when she’s in a good mood.

Knowers of Women & Football:

Sex: I’ve been seeing a girl for a little under a year now. Everything is great, she’s wonderful, we’re great, etc. However, earlier this week she informed me that she’s going to have to move out of her apartment, due to financial difficulties. She plans on moving back in with her parents, which is a good 45 minutes to an hour outside of our city. This would suck. I own my own place and it’s plenty big enough for the both of us, and I could conceivably ask her to move in with me.

danger1

The thing is, I just don’t think I’m ready for that yet. It’s something I’ve thought about, but never anything we’ve discussed; it’s obviously a serious relationship, and that’s the route I want it to take, I just don’t want to take that (admittedly big) step right now. I want it to be because we want to, not because we have to; to her credit, she’s echoed the exact same sentiments verbatim (want to, not need to), and she isn’t asking to move in nor is she putting any pressure on me to do so. But I can’t help feeling a little selfish about it, as the move is obviously bothering her, and I feel like I could help if I just said “hey, move in with me”…I just don’t think I’m ready for that just yet. Am I being a selfish prick here?

Nope. The quickest way to ruin a relationship is by moving in together before you’re ready. Let her live with her parents for a while. Have her spend weekends with you. Enjoy both the benefits and the pains of a medium-distance relationship, and maybe that will help you realize, “Wow, I miss her all the time. I want her to live with me.” Or it could be “This broad ain’t worth all the drivin’.”

Whatever the case, you’ve got a pretty mature approach to the situation. My only recommendation is that you reiterate to her that you want to help her out, but you’re just not ready for that step. Besides, she’s probably better off — as are you — if she finds her own two feet financially instead of being bailed out by you.

Football: What the fuck are the Broncos doing? Trading for Brady Quinn, drafting Tebow, still starting Orton….seriously, what the fuck? Thanks for any advice you can provide.
-Confused

Not to mention trading Brandon Marshall. Anyway, we’ve handled the Josh-McDaniels-is-an-asshole question before. And I don’t know, dude. I yukked it up this time last year when McDaniels sent Cutler’s bitchy ass to Chicago, then the Broncos turned out to have a nasty D and went 8-8 — not exactly bad for a rookie coach who most predicted would fall on his face. From here on out, I’m treading lightly in my preemptive Broncofreude.