NFL owners are gathered today to vote on the location of the 2014 Super Bowl, and the buzz is that it will go to the new stadium shared by the Jets and Giants. The proposal has its share of detractors in the media, from doughy KSK punching bag Peter King to self-important rumor monger Mike Florio. Their primary argument against a cold-weather Super Bowl: “Hurrrr, it’s gonna be cold” (exact quote). To which I counter:
FUCK YOU, TWATFUCKS.
What, is your vagina gonna freeze? How is playing a Super Bowl in cold weather a bad thing? Wild card games, divisional playoffs, and conference championships are held in frigid-ass places like Green Bay and New England, and you know what? Those games are the fucking TITS. I like football games in the snow, where you can see the big puffs of breath on the down linemen before the snap. It’s fucking awesome, because it reminds you that football is HARDCORE.
You know who bitches about their playoffs being too cold? Baseball fans. Fuck them, and fuck anyone who wants to make football more like baseball.
Also, as Darren Rovell points out, the Super Bowl experience isn’t merely the game, but the 4-5 days of pomp, circumstance, and partying that precede it.
Ask the people who went to the Super Bowl in Atlanta in 2000 or when the white stuff was coming down in Detroit in 2006. What about Jacksonville in 2005? Perfect Florida weather? Not quite. It was in the 50s all week. Same with Phoenix, where partygoers came without jackets and left quickly if there was a lack of heat lamps.
Not to mention the rain that came down throughout the Bears-Colts Super Bowl, or the massive clusterfuck that was Jacksonville’s inability to handle an influx of thousands of people into its backwater shores.
And can we mention once again fucking DETROIT? Detroit held a Super Bowl. Detroit’s next on David Simon’s “decaying city to make a show about” list, but somehow it’s good to host football’s biggest event because Ford Field is a DOME? That’s the argument that’s implicit here: Detroit is a better Super Bowl host than New York Fucking City because its stadium has a roof. FUCK YOU. New York in February is more vibrant and exciting than Detroit or Indianapolis on the nicest day of the year.
Oh, it’s a bad fan experience if the game is cold? Well, about 80,000 fans actually get tickets to the Super Bowl, generally through grace of being hooked up by a corporation or by using a chunk of their life savings. Another 100 MILLION watch on television. Oh no! Won’t someone think of the .08% of the people watching the game who have the honor of being physically present at the biggest event in American sports?!?!? OH, THE FUCKING HUMANITY!
You know why some journalists are bitching? Because they’re not getting a fucking free February vacation to San Diego or Miami. Peter King commutes to New York City — OF COURSE he doesn’t want a Super Bowl there. NYC is old news to him.
New York/New Jersey is gonna be a great place to have a Super Bowl. It has the biggest and liveliest restaurant and bar culture in all of America, fuckloads of museums and Broadway shows and tall buildings that tourists love so much, and the public transportation available to handle the arrival of scores of thousands of people furrowing their brows at subway maps.
It’s gonna be cold. So fucking what? Bring a coat or stay home.
I want more like this!
Follow Kissing Suzy Kolber on Facebook and get the latest NFL news and humor before everyone else.