Coach Ryan Greets All The Newbies
05.19.10
Mark Sanchez: Hey, Shonn. These offseason workouts are going pretty good.
Shonn Greene: Yup.
Sanchez: But we’re gonna have to work hard.
Greene: Yup.
Sanchez: Lotta expectations this year. People are gonna expect us to maybe make the Super Bowl.
Greene: Yup.
Sanchez: That ain’t easy.
Greene: Nope.
Sanchez: Think Coach will have us ready?
Greene: Dude, Coach could have me ready to jump into a bowl of hot doodoo.
(door flies open)
Ryan: HOW THE FUCK YOU DOIN’, BOYS?
Sanchez: Hey, Coach.
Ryan: Oh, men. MEN. Oh, what a month I’ve had! I lost 40 pounds!
Sanchez: That’s great, Coach.
Ryan: Damn straight it is, Nacho. Coach Ryan is READY FOR PUSSY ONCE MORE. Saddle up those pussyponies, ‘cause I’m drivin’ ‘em home! Not only that, I took a shit this morning, fellas, that would have you tipping your fucking HAT. Damn near had half a mind to eat the thing, it looked so perfect. And I didn’t break the toilet! You talk about somethin’ new! REX RYAN HAS BUSTED MORE TOILETS THAN CATHOLIC HYMENS.
Sanchez: Well, congrats, Coach. We’re all proud of you.
Ryan: Goddamn right you are. Now, first order of business today. NICKNAMES. Nacho, your new nickname is Rauncho Pauncho. Cause you’re dirty, and you’re Mexican!
Sanchez: Okay.
Ryan: Second order of business: The new guys. Where are the new guys! Tomlinson! Big Dick!
(door flies open)
LT: Hey, Coach.
Ryan: Tomlinson, your new name is Bacon.
LT: Most people call me LT.
Ryan: Son, the L and the T are the two parts of the fucking sandwich I have no use for. Your name is bacon, and if you don’t sit behind Greene here like a good little doggie, I will fucking FRY you and eat you.
LT: Okay.
Ryan: Okay, now Big Dick.
Santonio: Me?
Ryan: No, the other big-dicked turd I bought for pennies on the dollar. Yeah, you! Got a big dick, don’t you, Tiptoes?
Santonio: I dunno.
Ryan: Oh, don’t pussyfoot around. I saw you on my compunet! I could take down six of my daddy’s calves with that monster dangling from your waist. I bet you’ve made more women bleed than Ted Bundy. Am I right?
Santonio: Well, I…
Ryan: Oh! Oh! Oh, ol’ Big Dick here leaves himself a trail of tears all across the Rust Belt! THAT’S GREAT HUSTLE!
(slaps Holmes on the ass, hard)
Santonio: Ouch!
Ryan: Fucking great hustle! Big Dick, your new nickname is SHERCOCK HOLMES. Cause something tells me you can always detect that pretty snatch! Am I right?
Santonio: Yes, sir
Ryan: Fucking ay. Now, men. MEN. We got a lot riding on this training camp. Lot of expectations. Lot of people watching us.
Sanchez: I know. Some people said we might make the Super Bowl!
Ryan: Shut up, Rauncho Pauncho! I’m not talking about the fucking Super Bowl. I’m talking about being on HBO. They’re putting us on TV, and I’ll be goddamned if we’re gonna be less compelling than the Cowboys or Bengals or the fucking Ravens. Goddamn Brian Billick. That man looks like a penis. THESE HBO PEOPLE PAID FOR FUCKING BLOOD, AND WE’RE GONNA GIVE IT TO THEM. FUCKING HARD.
Now, men. I won’t mince words with you. I am a very overweight man. I have a hard time controlling my appetite for ribs and pussy, and it shows. That’s why I got this lap band surgery. And since I’ve lost all this weight, I feel like a new man. I feel stronger. I feel more powerful. I feel READY TO KILL. ARE YOU READY TO KILL?
Everyone: Yes.
Ryan: SAY IT LIKE YOU’RE FUCKING DIGGING THE KNIFE IN!
Everyone: FUCK YES!
Ryan: Let me tell you men why I got skinny. And let me tell you why you’re all gonna do the same. Because when those HBO cameras roll, I want the rest of the league to see a team that is ready for fucking WAR. I want them to see that we worked our bodies like a fucking Malaysian shoelace maker. I want everyone to see that this New York Jets battalion is ready FOR KILLING AND FUCKING. I want Belichick shitting his pants, and I want Belichick’s cougar fuck buddy creaming her stretch pants at the sight of us. This is not a TV show, men. This is a declaration. This is our chance to BRANDISH OUR FUCKING ARSENAL. Isn’t that right, Shercock Holmes? They’re gonna need a longass lens for that thing.
Santonio: Yes, sir.
Ryan: Men, a lot of coaches won’t tell you this, but part of being a winner is LOOKING like one. That’s why I want you to follow this training regimen I’ve devised.
(hands out pamphlet)
PAMPHLET CONTENTS
M-W-F
FUCKING – REVERSE COWGIRL
3 x 50 thrusts
1 x failure
DOGGIE STYLE
3 x 175 thrusts
FLYING V (WOMAN’S LEGS PLACED ON YOUR SHOULDERS)
1 x 75
1 x 125
2 x failure
T-TH
BUFFALO STABBING
3 x 15 stabs
1 x failure or buffalo death
TRUCK THROWING
1 x failure
HIPPIE HEAD KICKS
1 x 50
1 x 75
1 x failure or hippie death
Sanchez: Shouldn’t we lift weights?
Ryan: Son, nothing works your quads better than kicking in some fucking burnout’s head. NOW FUCKING BRING IT IN.
(everyone brings it in)
Ryan: This is our moment, men. Everyone said Rex Ryan was a fool to bring in HBO cameras. Everyone said Rex Ryan was a fool to bring in some washed up dipshit like ol’ Bacon over here.
LT: Hey!
Ryan: GO CRY IN YOUR VISOR IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT! Men, everyone said Rex Ryan was a fool to hype up his team like this. To build up unrealistic expectations. But I didn’t. And you know why? Because you men are fucking WINNERS. And I expect all of you to walk the walk and talk the talk and fuck the fuck. I expect all of you to put yourselves through hell on Earth so that you can put every fucking team in your path through a wall this season. I want this HBO show to let people know that the New York Jets are DONE FUCKING AROUND. Are you done fucking around?
Everyone: YES!
Ryan: ARE YOU READY TO FUCKING MURRRRDERRRR???
Everyone: YES!
Ryan: You are big fucking winners with huge fucking dicks, especially Shercock Holmes over there. This is your time to show it. We’re gonna fucking MOW DOWN EVERYTHING IN OUR PATH. THEN WE’LL ALL BE SKINNY AND WOMEN WILL BLOW US WHILE HAND FEEDING US RAW STEAKS. ARE YOU FUCKING READY FOR THAT? ARE YOU READY TO FUCKING TAKE THE MANTLE AND KILL?
Everyone: YES!
Ryan: FUCKING KILL ON THREE ONE TWO THREE!!!
Everyone: KILLLLL!
Ryan: Okay. Time for my protein shake.
Sanchez: I think we’re gonna be okay.
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It’s funny because it’s true.
Fuck tweeting your pushups, I’m tweeting my buffalo stabs from now on.
That’s absolutely fantastic Drew. I’m well prepped to get through the end of this business trip.
GO CRY IN YOUR VISOR…quality sir…quality
/runs through brick wall.
When I saw Drew’s Twitter post (“HOW THE FUCK YOU DOIN’, BOYS?”), I actually did a Tiger-Woods-style I-just-banged-another-skank fist pump. I love Rex Ryan.
Would it be wrong to have my soldiers do Rex’s lifting schedule?
“ol’ Big Dick here leaves himself a trail of tears all across the Rust Belt! ”
Today has been a good day because of this.
No love for new guy Cromartie? The guy obviously knows how to screw.
Goddamn Brian Billick. That man looks like a penis.
No truer words have ever been spoken.
I am a very overweight man. I have a hard time controlling my appetite for ribs and pussy, and it shows. That’s why I got this lap band surgery. And since I’ve lost all this weight, I feel like a new man. I feel stronger. I feel more powerful. I feel READY TO KILL. ARE YOU READY TO KILL?
I am once again unable to control my bladder. Thank you, Coach Ryan.
Son, the L and the T are the two parts of the fucking sandwich I have no use for.
Epic
Good Lord I want to kick a hippie in the head right now.
I bet you’ve made more women bleed than Ted Bundy.
It becomes increasingly more difficult to pick out the one line that stands out above the others in a Rex Ryan post. But I’m gonna go with the one that had me wiping chewed-up Pop Tart off my monitor.
“I want them to see that we worked our bodies like a fucking Malaysian shoelace maker” ….
Now THAT is hardcore.
Funny shit Drew thanks.
Is Shonn Greene the new Thomas Jones?
/yup
I bet you’ve made more women bleed than Ted Bundy. Am I right?
So wrong but so very, very right. Kudos Drew
Jesus Christ I am so fired up for Hard Knocks. Rex just gave me a murder boner.
I think I have the new catchphrase for KSK’s summer line of fashion wear …
DONE FUCKING AROUND
I suddenly understand why Drew’s been tweeting his weight loss all spring.
I hope I’m not the only one who wondered for a moment if “buffalo stab” was a sexual maneuvre I hadn’t heard of yet.
If HBO was smart they would forget about Hard Knocks and turn Drew’s Rex Ryan posts into a series.
“I took a shit this morning, fellas, that would have you tipping your fucking HAT. Damn near had half a mind to eat the thing, it looked so perfect.”
That’s where I first lost it. Hippie Head Kicks ftw.
Poetry. I’m spending the rest of my day telling people to fuck the fuck.
Cock Flashy tends not to get through three sets of 175 reps of doggie style before finishing up the session.
I bet you’ve made more women bleed than Ted Bundy. Am I right?
That’s where I lost it. Top shelf work.
I never, EVER want to meet the real Rex Ryan, because there is no way in Hell he could ever compare to the greatest football coach in the history of the world, and that coach is KSK Rex Ryan. I wouldn’t die for that man, but I would sure as Hell kill for him!
Who else thought buffalo stabbing was the new whale harpooning (yes, the sex act)?
That was really quite good.
“…fuck the fuck.”
+100
well done.
“Son, the L and the T are the two parts of the fucking sandwich I have no use for.”
Fuck.And.Yes
Shercock Holmes would be a great FF name.
@dunstan, you were not alone.
the Jets are DONE FUCKING AROUND.
/runs through wall
I’m torn – Drew’s Rex has me so entertained, that I find myself not wanting to watch Hard Knocks for fear of being let down…say it ain’t so, Rexy!
“Bacon” FTW.
Anyone else depressed about Rex’s lapband? He is larger than life, and needs to be LARGER THAN LIFE. Him dropping the lbs. is like Samson cutting his hair off. A true shame.
KSK Rex Ryan is the fucking man. Fuck Zig Ziglar, give me Rex as a motivational speaker any day of the week.
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
/that is all
//just kidding. I’m off to doggy style to failure. A massive, gooey failure.
REX RYAN HAS BUSTED MORE TOILETS THAN CATHOLIC HYMENS.
Yep. That was the line for me. Busted Catholic Hymens – FFB team name of the year right there.
Glad to have you back Drew.
/The rest of you guys still rawk out with your shercawk out too
HBO should pay Drew because these posts are a great way to promote Hard Knocks.
Rex slapping some guy’s ass hard makes sense, but I’m surprised that he hasn’t smacked someone in the nuts yet.
Not that I wish anything ill on Sir Rex, but reading this makes me wish the Jets had gotten Tebow for these posts and these posts only.
Great inspirational chat from Rex Ryan, despite the strains that lap band procedure had to have put him under. Not bad for someone in the middle of something emotional.
Part of me is sad that the Jets aren’t going to Arizona this year. All the hijinx and training Ryan could put Sanchez through to cross the border after being deported. .. priceless.
Lovin’ the Bacon nickname.
This fucking rules. had me rolling at the trail of tears across the rust belt.
I would jump in a bowl of hot doodoo for more Rex Ryan.
”SHERCOCK HOLMES” and ”BACON”
GENIUS
So THIS is a grown up version of Eric Cartman. I knew he sounded familiar with the hippie head kicks.
“…and I want Belichick’s cougar fuck buddy creaming her stretch pants at the sight of us.”
I nominate this for KSK line of the year.
My buddies came up with an idea for a “Big Dick” tattoo. They use it for Ryan Howard cuz they’re fags and love baseball. I think it can apply here as well. You get a big black cock tattoo’d on your inner forearm and you have the head of the dick in your palm. Also, you need a scrotum tattoo’d in your armpit so it looks like pubes.
To properly display it, you (or someone else) yell out “BIG DICK” and drop your elbow on a table top, followed by your forearm and hand, with palm open upwards.
I think we’re all behind you on that idea, Phil, and look forward to hearing how it went over with all the single women in your town and/or your employer.
These Rex Ryan posts are the best anti-depressants invented by man.
I think I hurt something laughing so hard.
One thing-Rex seems more bloodthirsty than usual. Result of the weight loss?
Reading a Rex Ryan column is better than masturbating. Thank god I can multitask.
Fucking hell, it’s awesome being a Jets fan.
“BUSTED MORE TOILETS THAN CATHOLIC HYMENS” set me up.
“Made more women bleed than Ted Bundy” knocked me down.
Bravo, as always.
Best. . . . post. . . . .ever
Chicks love “Big Dick” tattoos even more than they love biceps tattoos that look like barbed wire.
Phil, you should have some white stuff spurting out of it. That would class it up.
“GO CRY IN YOUR VISOR IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT!”
Perfect.
Slow clap….well done. KSK Rexy is my favorite Kharacter by far!
“REX RYAN HAS BUSTED MORE TOILETS THAN CATHOLIC HYMENS.”
Just amazing. Always one line in a Ryan post that has me rolling, this was it. As always great work.
Off topic, but I’d like to congratulate Captain Caveman on his favorite team signing J.P. Losman.
“Son, nothing works your quads better than kicking in some fucking burnout’s head. ”
As a burnout, I take complete . . . ummm …. .. . ummmm . . .
Are you going to finish eating that???
“Ryan: Oh! Oh! Oh, ol’ Big Dick here leaves himself a trail of tears all across the Rust Belt! THAT’S GREAT HUSTLE!”
I lost.
Yeah…u forgot about the man who has 7 kids in 5 different states…mr. cromartie is a jigalow.
“I took a shit this morning, fellas, that would have you tipping your fucking HAT. Damn near had half a mind to eat the thing, it looked so perfect. And I didn’t break the toilet! You talk about somethin’ new! REX RYAN HAS BUSTED MORE TOILETS THAN CATHOLIC HYMENS.”
Holy shit, I FUCKING DIED of laughter.
Remember this during your over-hyped season-
Ryan: No, the other big-dicked turd I bought for pennies on the dollar.
How about they all get tear drop tatoos, that has to impress the local waffle house waitress.
As usual coach rex brings me to tears of laughter and emotion.
Nearly passed out at the GO CRY IN YOUR VISOR part.
One of the best Rex Ryan anecdotes yet…can’t wait for training camp and see captain Ryan himself.
This is the funniest Rex Ryan post yet. The actual players need to act this out before every Jets game
Ho-lee shit, am I glad I ended my Wednesday night reading this. Top shelf, sir
“Let me tell you men why I got skinny…I want Belichick’s cougar fuck buddy creaming her stretch pants at the sight of us”
-Drew Magary
KSK Rex Ryan almost makes up for Mike “I’m a Douche” Greenberg being a Jets fan… almost. But damn I wish he was my boss.
headkickheadkickheadkickheadkickheadkickheadkick
“Ryan: Tomlinson, your new name is Bacon.
LT: Most people call me LT.
Ryan: Son, the L and the T are the two parts of the fucking sandwich I have no use for.”.
Jesus Christ. I mean, seriously. That’s a “Mel Brooks in the 70′s” 40 time right there.
I’ve got a staff meeting this afternoon. Gonna have to steal that “You are big fucking winners with huge fucking dicks” line.
God how I’ve missed this.
I heart you Drew. Well done Sir.
I think the Jets traded for Santonio and signed LT just to make these posts even more entertaining
I was dragging ass this Sunday morning, Mopey and shit. My son’s friend forwards this and I feel invigorated, like a new man. Ready to KILL!! But most importantly, laughing my ass off got me out of my funk. Awesome, just awesome. A classic that should burn up the internet!!