Tiger Woods: (takes practice swing, shanks it) CONSARNIT! Hank! Hank!
Hank Haney: What’s up, Ti?
Tiger Woods: Hank, I got problems.
Hank Haney: What’s wrong, champ? You’re back at Augusta! Back in your element!
Tiger Woods: I dunno. All these cameras. All these people. Everyone is ON me. Judging me. I just… I’m not used to this, Hank. It’s starting to mess with my brain. Look at this. (takes practice swing, shanks it again) BARF DOGS! STAY FLIPPING STRAIGHT! You see? I’m completely discombobulated!
Hank Haney: Now, relax. Take a deep breath. You’re at Augusta. It’s the same course you’ve always known. And you’re still the same golfer you’ve always been. Everything else may be different, but those two things are not.
Tiger Woods: I dunno. I feel like I can’t concentrate. I’m trying to appear like I’m comfortable, but I‘m not, and pretending I’m comfortable just makes it worse. I can’t even swear! (takes practice swing, shanks it again) HEAVENS TO EARL!
Hank Haney: Hmm. I thought this might happen. I thought you might struggle as the tourney came closer and closer. That’s why I called in a special consultant to help you. I think this falls outside of my expertise. You need a real fixer.
Tiger Woods: Who’s that?
(door flies open)
Ryan: HOW THE FUCK YOU DOIN’, BOYS?
Tiger Woods: Rex Ryan? The Jets coach?
Hank Haney: Ti, if anyone can get your head straight, it’s this man.
Ryan: Oh, men! MEN. God fucking dammit, I feel good! Do you feel good?
Tiger Woods: I fe…
Ryan: I FEEL FUCKING GREAT! This goddamn lap band won’t let me eat my usual breakfasts, but I found a way around that. LIQUIFICATION. Men, I ate a Chick-Fil-A sandwich shake this morning that would make your dick grow like a fucking BEANSTALK! You wait until you see me on TV next fall. I’m gonna get more pussy than JIM GARNER!
Hank Haney: Coach Ryan, we really appreciate you taking the time to help Tiger out.
Ryan: No problem at all. Now, first order of business: NICKNAMES. Tiger, your new nickname is WOODY. Because I bet you walk around with one hell of a two-iron in your pants these days!
Tiger Woods: You mean like an erecti…
Ryan: Next order of business: BOUNTIES. Did y’all place your bounties yet? There’s something about that Mickelson cunt that I don’t like. Why is the fuck is he smiling all the time? A man who smiles that much has something smuggled either in his asshole or in his kid’s asshole, that’s for goddamn sure.
Tiger Woods: Well, usually bounties aren’t placed in golf. It’s not considered gentlemanly…
Ryan: BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! We’re talking fucking GOLF, aren’t we? You boys listen. My Daddy’s best friend was a man by the name of Jethro Scott. He was a scratch golfer, and he was the meanest sumbitch the state of Oklahoma had ever seen. HE KEPT A RAPE CHART! He used to head to the reservation to hunt down Creek Indians WITH A REAL BOW! No one gives a fuck about being gentlemanly, and I bet you don’t either. Do you, son?
Tiger Woods: Not really.
Ryan: I bet that’s what set you apart from the other shitheads out here. They’re all busy keeping up this gentlemanly bullshit, while you said FUCK ALL THAT and went out and destroyed their sorry asses. Isn’t that right?
Tiger Woods: It is. But things are different now, Coach. I’m trying to be a better person. (takes practice swing, shanks it one more time) FRANGELICO!
Ryan: Is that replacement swear?
Tiger Woods: Yes, sir.
Ryan: This is BULLSHIT. Who said you have to be a better person?
Tiger Woods: Everyone, pretty much.
Ryan: Well, isn’t everyone just a fucking genius? Do you want to win this tournament, son?
Tiger Woods: More than anything.
Ryan: It’s all you really have left, isn’t it?
Tiger Woods: Yes.
Ryan: Then I want you to listen, and I want you to listen good. You say everyone wants you to be a better person?
Tiger Woods: They do.
Ryan: Well, FUCK THEM IN THE FLAGSTICK. You didn’t get here by being a nice person, now did you? You didn’t get here by being some happy go lucky fellow who stays loyal to his old lady and pats other players on the ass. YOU GOT HERE BY BEING A FUCKING KILLER.
Tiger Woods: But I can’t…
Ryan: But you ARE. That’s what you are, little jungle cat. You are a fucking walking machine of DEATH. That’s what you were born to be. It’s in your SOUL. You can’t just waltz into some Ole Miss dick clinic and wash it off. It doesn’t work that way. And it shouldn’t. And you know why? Because there is no such thing as being a BETTER person. All this good person and bad person nonsense is SHIT. Everyone, deep down, is the same. Everyone wants the same things. Money. Power. Glory. Only difference between you and them is that you had the balls to take it without apology. AND THAT’S WHAT A FUCKING WINNER DOES.
Tiger Woods: I just don’t know.
Ryan: Are you happy right now?
Tiger Woods: No.
Ryan: When were you most happy?
Tiger Woods: Probably when my kids were bo…
Ryan: Bullshit. That’s bullshit and you know it. Tell me the fucking truth.
Tiger Woods: (sighs) 1997. First time I won here.
Ryan: That’s right. The day everyone knew you were a fucking winner. I bet you scored some serious pussy that night, didn’t you?
Tiger Woods: Well, I…
Ryan: Oh! Oh! Oh, ol’ Woody here put one right in the fucking creek that night! THAT’S GREAT HUSTLE!
(slaps Woods on the ass, hard)
Tiger Woods: Ouch!
Ryan: THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT! You stomped all over those fuckers and you took what you wanted. You had the fucking GUTS to forsake decorum and fucking TAKE it all, like a real man should. I want you to be that man again, Woody. Don’t spend the rest of your life putting on a show for everyone when it only matters to THEM. Take this club. Take this club and swing it.
Tiger Woods: (takes practice swing, slices it) OH, BOB CRANE IT!
Ryan: Swear like a fucking man! Say FUCK!
Tiger Woods: FUCK!
Ryan: SAY CUNTHINGE!
Tiger Woods: CUNTHINGE!
Ryan: SAY FUCK SUNDAE!
Tiger Woods: FUCK SUNDAE!
Ryan: Now swing again! SWING IT LIKE A FUCKING KILLER!
Tiger Woods: (takes practice swing, hits it dead center) Whoa.
Ryan: Yeaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!!! FUCKING BRING IT IN.
(everyone brings it in)
Ryan: This is a special week, men. I can feel it. I can feel the tide turning. I can see it in your face, Woody. I can see the anger and pettiness again. I can you being you again. I can see a man who’s tired of bullshitting everyone. I can see a man who’s tired of bullshitting himself. You know who you really are, don’t you? Who are you?
Tiger Woods: I’m a killer.
Ryan: FUCKING LOUDER!
Tiger Woods: I’M A KILLER!
Ryan: God damn right you are. You are the fucking nightmare of this earth. You were brought here to bring everyone to their fucking KNEES, especially the ladies. Now, I want you to stop thinking about your wife, and your kids, and fucking Gatorade or whatever business bullshit that is. None of it matters. All that matters is that you fucking KILL, and that you get the satisfaction you know you want. You are going to fucking win this tournament, AND THEN WE’RE ALL GOING OUT FOR PULLED PORK AND PULLED PUSSY!
Tiger Woods: My therapist says I should only get the pulled pork.
Ryan: FUCK HIM! ARE YOU A KILLER?
Tiger Woods: Yes!
Ryan: Then tell me what you really want!
Tiger Woods: I WANT TO FUCKING WIN, AND THEN I WANT TO CALL JOSLYN JAMES AND GIVE HER A FUCKING BISMARCK!
Ryan: That’s my guy! You’re back! ARE YOU FUCKING BACK?
Tiger Woods: I AM FUCKING BACK, AND I’M GONNA WIN AND DRINK AND FUCK ALL WEEK LONG.
Ryan: Fucking FUCK on three! ONE TWO THREE!
Everyone: FUCK!
Ryan: Oof. That was good. Say, I think it’s time for a sweet tea with a little biscuit soup tossed in.
Tiger Woods: I want that man here before every tourney. I don’t care what it costs.
Hank Haney: You got it.
![[avatar]](http://p.uproxxcdn.com/global/images/default-avatar.jpg){kind=avatar}
![[image]](http://cdn.ksk.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2012/02/Newt-Gingrich-Releases-2010-Tax-Return1-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.ksk.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2012/01/pkpti-150x150.jpg)
Thanks for that. My son has a terrible aversion to eating fruit for some reason, so I made it into smoothies for him and then he can’t get enough of it! I also found some great smoothie recipes here and thought I’d share – lots of other great ideas there.
“HOW THE FUCK YA DOING BOYS!” is like the christmas eve to the rest of the Rex Ryan christmas…
now if you dont mid I have some shit to punch and some drinks I need to chug…damn I am ready to kill!
What a wonderful treat. Does one have to be a Jets/Rex fan to appreciate the humor athough it’s way over the top? Thanks for the laughter stimulus.
i get a semi everytime (door flies open)
really this site should be nothing but rex ryan posts
If it wasn’t Rex Ryan, I was gonna be pretty mad at you.
@StuScottBooyahs
My first thought was that Drew was borrowing heavily from Chappelle for this… and I don’t mind in the slightest.
Needs more pussytubing of Natalie Gulbis.
/rips dick off in masturbatory frenzy.
//crazy glues it back on out of crazed inspiration.
@Tat – Rex would cuntpunch King for being such a delusional pussy.
Thank you Drew for the continuation of “Rex Ryan, Motivational Speaker” Is there any way I can book him for a corporate outing? BTW: “little jungle cat” Most underrated line in the post.
@ Deux
God bless you sir.
Enrico Pallazzo Says: I’m amazed that Rex can find a door to have fly open on a practice range.
I’m imagining it to be an outhouse. I’m imagining Rex to be very familiar with them.
http://yfrog.com/b8rexyj
For those who requested a motivational poster.
Rex Ryan needs his own TV show.
“Today on Rex Live, Rex cures the entire nation of erectile dysfunction”
I can’t wait for Peter King to be depressed so Rex can come in and fire HIM up. Epic wouldn’t even come close to describing…
I went into this one expecting it to be on the lower-end of the Rex posts (which would still be fucking great) but I think it just might be my favorite. Well done, gentleman.
Goddamnit why not Marmalard? Surely Tiger could benefit from some lessons in floats.
“WE’RE ALL GOING OUT FOR PULLED PORK AND PULLED PUSSY!”
~ words to live by. amen rex. amen
I have never liked Phil Mickelson, but could never really express why. “That Mickelson Cunt” is the perfect summation of my feelings towards Phil.
God, I hope Rex coaches the jets forever
Now let’s watch and see if Tiger does better.
@ Nick Danger-
“Why are you not yet selling t-shirts (and other clothing) with “HOW THE FUCK YOU DOIN’, BOYS?” on them in huge block letters? You’d make a goddamn mint.”
Hell, I’d buy 15 and give them out to my employees. Someone please make this happen.
@Slothrop – +1 for a Ulysses reference on a football blog.
Fucking glorious. Pure, pristine, glory.
I love how Coach Ryan is slowly starting to give slightly decent advice. It’s like a “Be Yourself” version of Sesame Street…plus pusstubing.
Deliciously inevitable
I want a Rex Ryan poster. It’ll have that first picture of Rex, “MOTIVATION” written under it, and under that a favorite Rex quote. Who else wants one?
I do believe ole Rexy there would bitch slap someone who lol’d.
Oh. My. God. It’s like Jesus rose from the dead again and took the form of Rex Ryan. I lol’d hard and actually got pumped up to watch the Masters. I swear to god if I don’t hear someone yell “GODFUCKINGDAMNIT” at least once I’ll be highly disappointed.
I am pumped right now. This man is like a god.
Did I have Chik-fil-A for lunch today? Am I having pulled pork for dinner? Am I going pussytubin tonight? FUCK AND YES YES YES.
/and yes I said yes I will Yes
That was the most inspirational thing I’ve ever read.
that was the first interesting and tru thing i’ve read about tiger. and i’ve read a fuckload of articles on the subject the last few months.
Coach Rex could make Al Davis feel like he was 18 again.
I loved it when Coach Ryan asked him when he was the happiest and then cut him off in the middle of his “when my kids were born answer” great work on this one Drew. You fucking rule
GIMME A FUCKING ‘FUCK’ ON THREE! ONE, TWO, THREE… FUCK
Bismarking?
“It’s in the hole” has taken on new meaning this week
Caddyshack’d
/walks off course
Is it wrong I keep hoping for a plot twist after the jump?
Maybe a crappy failed version by Rob Ryan or something.
BDD you’re the only person on earth who can make me give a shit about golf. God bless you sir.
/wants Marvin Lewis, Snow Robot, Sexy Rexy Krossover
HEAVENS TO EARL
Wasn’t Hank Haney the traveling-salesman-county-agriculture-agent from Green Acres?
Why didn’t Rex go in and motivate Butler?
CONTINUITY ERROR!
Ol’ Rexy says there’s no pussy like wifey pussy! Rex would have taken one look at Elin’s picture and told Tiger to go straight home and practice on the back nine on Swedish Pussy Beach til there was nothing left but divots.
/shows self out
@ Stonecutter
x-axis: Love-Hate
y- axis: Fucking Depth (in metric ryans)
Am I the only one that read all of Tiger Woods’ lines in Dave Chappelle’s Tiger Woods’ voice?
“You are a fucking walking machine of DEATH.”
At first glance I thought this said “a fucking WALTZING machine of death,” which would be the only thing that could ever make me tune into “Dancing With The Stars.”
+1 for Coach Ryan acknowledging the snatch mastery of James Garner.
What do I put on the y axis of my rape chart?
The only word for this post … lofty.
FRANGELICO!
Oh, yeah — the replacement swears? Straight out of Brigham Young’s Handbook for Mormon Youth. Too funny.
These are awesome, just inspired internet artistry. And kudos for spacing them out. Like others here, I have no idea what Rex is like in real life and I hate the Jets and I love, love, love this fake man.
And agree w/ dm72: the soup line was the perfect undersell. You’ve got this kharacter dialed, my friend. Please never stop.
just for clarification, is that pronounced cunt-hinge? or cun-thing-ee? what a fascination exception to the rules of phonetical pronunciation! Kind of like asshat!
I was not at all surprised after the jump. But I was positively giddy with anticipation before it. Well done.
The replacement swears were great. CONSARNIT!
I definately want a t-shirt that says something like, “HOW THE FUCK YOU DOIN’, BOYS?”, or “THAT’S GREAT HUSTLE!”, then an ass getting slapped on the back.
/compliments boss on great hustle
//slaps ass hard
///gathers personal belongings
$100 from my pocket to anyone in the gallery who screams “YOU’RE A KILLER!” after he tees off on #1 tomorrow.
*rips hoodie off, hulk Hogan style*
GEEEYAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
*Rams head through notebook*
YAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
*Drop kicks a ferret several miles*
HI-YAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
THANK YOU DREW. AND GOD BLESS KSK REX RYAN.
What if Rex Ryan and Bill Braski met in an alleyway?
Is that replacement swear?
Tiger’s cuss words are scabs…much like the scabs on his dick from banging all those skanks and the scabs on the back of his head from his wife braining him with a 5 wood.
Rex Ryan is a fucking machine.
Say, I think it’s time for a sweet tea with a little biscuit soup tossed in.
That was the most underrated line in this post. Awesome!
I don’t know whether it’s better or worse to have read this in the exact middle of the work week. Fake Rex Ryan is my favorite person dead or alive.
I’m amazed that Rex can find a door to have fly open on a practice range. The man can do it all.
You’re pretty funny for a skinny guy.
@ stabby:
Who said anything about hunting humans with a bow and arrow? He said that Jethro Scott hunted Creek Indians.
C’mon man, pay attention.
It should be illegal to post shit this awesome during business hours. All I want to do when I read KSKRex is eat bloody slabs of meat and hurt people.
i live for this kind of motivation
I WANNA RUN THROUGH A GODDAMN BRICK WALL
You can’t just waltz into some Ole Miss dick clinic and wash it off.
I want this tattooed somewhere on me. That or Fuck Sundae.
/In Rex we trust
Fuck and yes. Any chance of doing a one-off and having Rex Ryan speak to corporate America? I’d like to hang it in my cube to look at first thing every morning. YOU ARE GONNA COLLATE, AND FILE SOME GODDAMN TPS REPORTS, AND THEN WE’RE GOING OUT FOR APPLEBEE’S! AND YOU BETTER BELIEVE WE’RE GOING TO BE TUBING SOME FLAIRPUSSY!
/eats a bacon avocado cheesburger smoothie
//slaps boss on the ass hard
OUCH!
I can’t believe the power that Coach Ryan has to make me root for people I would otherwise despise.
Glad I’m not the only one that was wondering if it was supposed to be cunt-thingy. I am smrt.
@Old Gregg
Pretty sure it does
Okay, as a Dolphins fan, I hope you die for making me tolerant of Rex Ryan, Drew.
But that kicked ass.
That was fucking awesome.
I agree with Rex. This Tiger Woods Rehab Tour is fucking lame. Tiger’s not sorry about all that ass he’s scored, nor should he be (publicly, anyway).
Peter King prefers the iced Chick-Fillatte with extra mayonaise.