tiger-woods3

Tiger Woods: (takes practice swing, shanks it) CONSARNIT! Hank! Hank!

Hank Haney: What’s up, Ti?

Tiger Woods: Hank, I got problems.

Hank Haney: What’s wrong, champ? You’re back at Augusta! Back in your element!

Tiger Woods: I dunno. All these cameras. All these people. Everyone is ON me. Judging me. I just… I’m not used to this, Hank. It’s starting to mess with my brain. Look at this. (takes practice swing, shanks it again) BARF DOGS! STAY FLIPPING STRAIGHT! You see? I’m completely discombobulated!

Hank Haney: Now, relax. Take a deep breath. You’re at Augusta. It’s the same course you’ve always known. And you’re still the same golfer you’ve always been. Everything else may be different, but those two things are not.

Tiger Woods: I dunno. I feel like I can’t concentrate. I’m trying to appear like I’m comfortable, but I‘m not, and pretending I’m comfortable just makes it worse. I can’t even swear! (takes practice swing, shanks it again) HEAVENS TO EARL!

Hank Haney: Hmm. I thought this might happen. I thought you might struggle as the tourney came closer and closer. That’s why I called in a special consultant to help you. I think this falls outside of my expertise. You need a real fixer.

Tiger Woods: Who’s that?

(door flies open)

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Ryan: HOW THE FUCK YOU DOIN’, BOYS?

Tiger Woods: Rex Ryan? The Jets coach?

Hank Haney: Ti, if anyone can get your head straight, it’s this man.

Ryan: Oh, men! MEN. God fucking dammit, I feel good! Do you feel good?

Tiger Woods: I fe…

Ryan: I FEEL FUCKING GREAT! This goddamn lap band won’t let me eat my usual breakfasts, but I found a way around that. LIQUIFICATION. Men, I ate a Chick-Fil-A sandwich shake this morning that would make your dick grow like a fucking BEANSTALK! You wait until you see me on TV next fall. I’m gonna get more pussy than JIM GARNER!

Hank Haney: Coach Ryan, we really appreciate you taking the time to help Tiger out.

Ryan: No problem at all. Now, first order of business: NICKNAMES. Tiger, your new nickname is WOODY. Because I bet you walk around with one hell of a two-iron in your pants these days!

Tiger Woods: You mean like an erecti…

Ryan: Next order of business: BOUNTIES. Did y’all place your bounties yet? There’s something about that Mickelson cunt that I don’t like. Why is the fuck is he smiling all the time? A man who smiles that much has something smuggled either in his asshole or in his kid’s asshole, that’s for goddamn sure.

Tiger Woods: Well, usually bounties aren’t placed in golf. It’s not considered gentlemanly…

Ryan: BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! We’re talking fucking GOLF, aren’t we? You boys listen. My Daddy’s best friend was a man by the name of Jethro Scott. He was a scratch golfer, and he was the meanest sumbitch the state of Oklahoma had ever seen. HE KEPT A RAPE CHART! He used to head to the reservation to hunt down Creek Indians WITH A REAL BOW! No one gives a fuck about being gentlemanly, and I bet you don’t either. Do you, son?

Tiger Woods: Not really.

Ryan: I bet that’s what set you apart from the other shitheads out here. They’re all busy keeping up this gentlemanly bullshit, while you said FUCK ALL THAT and went out and destroyed their sorry asses. Isn’t that right?

Tiger Woods: It is. But things are different now, Coach. I’m trying to be a better person. (takes practice swing, shanks it one more time) FRANGELICO!

Ryan: Is that replacement swear?

Tiger Woods: Yes, sir.

Ryan: This is BULLSHIT. Who said you have to be a better person?

Tiger Woods: Everyone, pretty much.

Ryan: Well, isn’t everyone just a fucking genius? Do you want to win this tournament, son?

Tiger Woods: More than anything.

Ryan: It’s all you really have left, isn’t it?

Tiger Woods: Yes.

Ryan: Then I want you to listen, and I want you to listen good. You say everyone wants you to be a better person?

Tiger Woods: They do.

Ryan: Well, FUCK THEM IN THE FLAGSTICK. You didn’t get here by being a nice person, now did you? You didn’t get here by being some happy go lucky fellow who stays loyal to his old lady and pats other players on the ass. YOU GOT HERE BY BEING A FUCKING KILLER.

Tiger Woods: But I can’t…

Ryan: But you ARE. That’s what you are, little jungle cat. You are a fucking walking machine of DEATH. That’s what you were born to be. It’s in your SOUL. You can’t just waltz into some Ole Miss dick clinic and wash it off. It doesn’t work that way. And it shouldn’t. And you know why? Because there is no such thing as being a BETTER person. All this good person and bad person nonsense is SHIT. Everyone, deep down, is the same. Everyone wants the same things. Money. Power. Glory. Only difference between you and them is that you had the balls to take it without apology. AND THAT’S WHAT A FUCKING WINNER DOES.

Tiger Woods: I just don’t know.

Ryan: Are you happy right now?

Tiger Woods: No.

Ryan: When were you most happy?

Tiger Woods: Probably when my kids were bo…

Ryan: Bullshit. That’s bullshit and you know it. Tell me the fucking truth.

Tiger Woods: (sighs) 1997. First time I won here.

Ryan: That’s right. The day everyone knew you were a fucking winner. I bet you scored some serious pussy that night, didn’t you?

Tiger Woods: Well, I…

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Ryan: Oh! Oh! Oh, ol’ Woody here put one right in the fucking creek that night! THAT’S GREAT HUSTLE!

(slaps Woods on the ass, hard)

Tiger Woods: Ouch!

Ryan: THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT! You stomped all over those fuckers and you took what you wanted. You had the fucking GUTS to forsake decorum and fucking TAKE it all, like a real man should. I want you to be that man again, Woody. Don’t spend the rest of your life putting on a show for everyone when it only matters to THEM. Take this club. Take this club and swing it.

Tiger Woods: (takes practice swing, slices it) OH, BOB CRANE IT!

Ryan: Swear like a fucking man! Say FUCK!

Tiger Woods: FUCK!

Ryan: SAY CUNTHINGE!

Tiger Woods: CUNTHINGE!

Ryan: SAY FUCK SUNDAE!

Tiger Woods: FUCK SUNDAE!

Ryan: Now swing again! SWING IT LIKE A FUCKING KILLER!

Tiger Woods: (takes practice swing, hits it dead center) Whoa.

Ryan: Yeaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!!! FUCKING BRING IT IN.

(everyone brings it in)

Ryan: This is a special week, men. I can feel it. I can feel the tide turning. I can see it in your face, Woody. I can see the anger and pettiness again. I can you being you again. I can see a man who’s tired of bullshitting everyone. I can see a man who’s tired of bullshitting himself. You know who you really are, don’t you? Who are you?

Tiger Woods: I’m a killer.

Ryan: FUCKING LOUDER!

Tiger Woods: I’M A KILLER!

Ryan: God damn right you are. You are the fucking nightmare of this earth. You were brought here to bring everyone to their fucking KNEES, especially the ladies. Now, I want you to stop thinking about your wife, and your kids, and fucking Gatorade or whatever business bullshit that is. None of it matters. All that matters is that you fucking KILL, and that you get the satisfaction you know you want. You are going to fucking win this tournament, AND THEN WE’RE ALL GOING OUT FOR PULLED PORK AND PULLED PUSSY!

Tiger Woods: My therapist says I should only get the pulled pork.

Ryan: FUCK HIM! ARE YOU A KILLER?

Tiger Woods: Yes!

Ryan: Then tell me what you really want!

Tiger Woods: I WANT TO FUCKING WIN, AND THEN I WANT TO CALL JOSLYN JAMES AND GIVE HER A FUCKING BISMARCK!

Ryan: That’s my guy! You’re back! ARE YOU FUCKING BACK?

Tiger Woods: I AM FUCKING BACK, AND I’M GONNA WIN AND DRINK AND FUCK ALL WEEK LONG.

Ryan: Fucking FUCK on three! ONE TWO THREE!

Everyone: FUCK!

Ryan: Oof. That was good. Say, I think it’s time for a sweet tea with a little biscuit soup tossed in.

Tiger Woods: I want that man here before every tourney. I don’t care what it costs.

Hank Haney: You got it.