Well, well, well! Lookee what we have hee-ya! Seems that faggot Bill Pahhhhcells has traded far that dahhhhkie Brandon Mahhhshall! I knew that donutfackah would try and trade far that brickchuckah! MATTER OF TIME! TAWMMY SEES THESE THINGS COMING! That means that both Mahhhhshall and Sandongio Holmes were-ah both traded within a week of each othah! And it just so happens that both playahs were traded far pennies on the fackin’ dollah to two teams in the AFC East!
(cranks up POD album)
Well, isn’t that FACKIN’ CONVENIENT?
You think this is mere-ah coincidence? You think this sart of thing just happens randomly? You think the Steelahs trade away Holmes far a fifth roundah (Roundahs! Great flick!) when all they have left is Viet Cawng Welkah? CHAHHHHLIE DON’T CATCH!
(rubs biceps constantly)
OPEN YAR FACKIN EYES, PEOPLE! This is a direct message to the LEGENDARY FANS OF PAPELBON NATION that the NFL is nawt a level playing field! They knew the Pats needed a receivah, so they made sure-ah two of the best ones go to those faggots in New Yark and those wetbacks in Miami! HEY REX RYAN, HAVE ANOTHAH CHESEBURGAH, YOU FAT BAWTTLECUNT! These two trades ahh awll about the Pats! It is the NFL trying to get people interested in lessah teams so the Pats don’t get awll the love! AND YOU GAWTTA LOVE OW-AH FOOTBALL RED SAWX!
(thinks Seth Meyers is funny)
And the scariest pahhht of all this? That Billy Belichick didn’t know this! How did I see this coming, but Belichick did nawt? HE’S SLIPPING! The Belichick of three yeee-ahs ago nevah lets those two dahkies get traded within the division! He’s done! NO ONE DENIES THIS!
(phone rings)
Oh! That’s my friend HouseO! Whenevah something happens with the Pats, we must tahhhk about it, becawse people know we have impartant things to say!
HouseO: Word.
Tommy: Fackin they-ah is the man! FACKIN’ AMERICA LOVES HOUSEO BECAWSE WE AHHH FRIENDS!
(slaps the beer out of your hand and laughs)
HouseO: I’m done, Tawmmy. I’m done with this team. What’s the point?
Tommy: I know! GREAT FANS DON’T DESERVE THIS KINDA TREATMENT! THEY STACK THE DECK AGAINST US!
HouseO: I mean, it’s just fackin’ ridiculous. WHY THE FACK IS THAT BITCHTWAT TITO FRANCONA LETTING ARTIZ PLAY? He can’t hit shit! The fack has that giant dahkiespic done far us?
Tommy: Oh! Oh! You were-ah tahkin’ about Artiz! I thawt you were-ah tahkin’ Pats!
HouseO: The Pats? Pfft. Who gives a shit about them? I gave up on those facks two yee-ahs ago! I’m tahhhkin’ JD Drew Nation hee-yah!
Tommy: THE NATION!
HouseO: THE NATION! SALUD!
(TV comes on)
MTV: Are you between the ages of 18 and 25? Do you consider yourself a Masshole? MTV would like to talk to you about our new reality show.
Tommy: OH MY GAWD! HOLY FACK! HOUSEO, AHHHHH YOU WATCHIN’ FRESH MEAT 2 ON MTV RIGHT NOW?
HouseO: Of carse! Everyone ow-ah age watches Real WorldRoad Rules programming!
Tommy: You know how we both had that awesome idea far Massholes! The show?
(drapes towel around neck, pulls on ends while flexing traps)
HouseO: Yeah.
Tommy: MTV RIPPED AWFF OW-AH IDEA! THEY MUST HAVE BUGGED MY BOOST MOBILE! THOSE FACKS! ONLY A TRUE SAWX NATION FAN WOULD BE ABLE TO DREAM UP THAT KIND OF SHOW! FAME HAS BEEN TAKEN FROM ME JUST LIKE WIFEBEATAH MAHHHSHALL WAS!
HouseO: Fackin’ MTV. Those unoriginal facks.
Tommy: FACKS!
HouseO: You gonna awdition?
Tommy: FACK YEAH I AM! You gawtta come too! Ow-ah lives were-ah made far TV! Remember when I stabbed that spic’s tiahs? THAT’S COMPELLING SHIT! We gawtta bring the whole crew! You! Me! Blueboy! Bug! Sean O’Flahanahacallahan! McMurph! McMurph 3! EVERYONE FROM THE CRAWSS! Fackin’ best reality show evah!
(goes to audition, gets rejected)
Tommy: I saw this coming. WE WERE TOO REAL FAR THEM! FACK YOU!
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Viet Cawng Welkah. Fantastic.
Damn, I just Tawmee would make it onto the show. Of course he does appeal to an older audience, Right Mr. Simmons?
I do hope the Steelers have something up their sleeves to make up for the dumping of Santonio….
FACK YEAH I AM! You gawtta come too! Ow-ah lives were-ah made far TV! Remember when I stabbed that spic’s tiahs? THAT’S COMPELLING SHIT! We gawtta bring the whole crew! You! Me! Blueboy! Bug! Sean O’Flahanahacallahan! McMurph! McMurph 3! EVERYONE FROM THE CRAWSS! Fackin’ best reality show evah!
Now that’s stereotyping I can get behind.
Thinking Seth Meyers is funny may be the most spot-on generalization in human history.
Needs more JBug
LOLZ at McMurph 3. Reminds me of Ariaga II! He was always the best player on the best soccer team of the best nation in the world–Portugal!
Nice see everyone in the AFC east get better, except for the douchebags in Foxborough… I wish all of their first born sons to be homos… oh wait… everyone from there already are
[Unwanted 3 way call flies open]: Complex litigation, this is John. Did you see the Yankees’ new rings, Tommy? I’m not gonna lie to you, between the Yanks’ new rings, you not getting that reality tv gig, and the Sox being in 4th place, not a great spring for you. How’s that online column you used to write working out for you?
Youth of the Nation is the worst song of all time.
Of carse! Everyone ow-ah age watches Real WorldRoad Rules programming!
He’s almost been daring you to work this angle into a Tommy post. Because we all know, it’s normal for a 40 year old man with 2 kids to watch this shit.
Viet Cawng Welkah = Greatest Tommyizm ever . . . NO ONE DENIES THIS!!!
/laughs inappropriately at work
That other picture of Tawm really sheds some more light on his life.
The Viet Cawng Welkah thing is terrific.
(thinks Seth Meyers is funny)
Another reason for me to miss the ESPYs beside bulky female athletes in dresses and Mario Lopez in drag.
This is awesome. Fucking hilarious.
That said, I have a question: If everyone seems to agree that he sucks, he has questionable (at best) taste in TV programming, talks too much about Boston teams, and has unfunny friends, why is everyone listening to what he says consistently enough that everyone is in on all these jokes?
/tweets from courtside seats at Clipper game
HEY REX RYAN, HAVE ANOTHAH CHESEBURGAH, YOU FAT BAWTTLECUNT!
Rex approves of this new nickname and will gladly follow your advice and down another burger.
/awesome work as usual drew
@85: You don’t have to watch every Road Runner cartoon to be able to predict that Wile E. Coyote will assemble a series of ever more complicated Rube Goldberg machines from ACME and at some point fall off a cliff.
Nice Job and a +1 to sloth
Glorious. Just glorious.
I couldn’t get past “donutfucker” without dying.
Looking forward to Massholes… we’ll be able to easily identify Tommy’s proxy. Sorry about the gig brah.
@Slothrop: You don’t have to… but you do.
Viet Cawng Welkah and Dahkie Spic.
Outstanding work Sir.
OPEN YAR FACKIN EYES, PEOPLE!
Viet Cong Welkah’s eyes ahhhh already open you fack!
/This was outstanding
Viet Cawng Welkah? CHAHHHHLIE DON’T CATCH!
At least Red Sox nation is catching up to the Jets in one thing: Nicknames.
Here is a picture of HouseO’s tattoo. Fahckin Red Sox Nation!
[www.boston.com]
Also, Tommy no doubt has a boy named Sully in his crew.
This was wonderful.
Rounders is a great flick.
@Slothrop: You can’t tell me damn near everybody here doesn’t read or listen to the guy. Being clued in on the newer jokes in this post is exactly why it’s so damn funny.
Since I’m here, I may as well go off: Seriously, who the fuck thinks Seth Meyers is funny? It’s like someone took a fucking accountant and made him head writer of SNL. His most memorable bit is him saying “Really?” in sarcastic fashion. Really? That’s the best you got? Really? I’ve never met anyone who is like, OMG! SETH MEYERS IS SO FUNNY! And yet, he’s at the top of the comedy food chain. I don’t get it. At all. At least Fallon appealed to 12 year old girls.
Viet Cawng Welkah! CHAHHHHLIE DON’T CATCH! Easily my favorite line. Great stuff, Drew. Also, great call Sloth.
Why must you remind me that POD exists?
Drew — Do people really say that Seth Meyers is funny? I assumed he was blowing Lorne Michaels or something.
Fresh Meat II is giving us answers at a rate Lost will never aspire to.
That’s just it. NO ONE says hes funny. So how does he have his job?
@ Drew (again) — I’m sticking with my blowing Lorne Michaels concept. There’s really no other answer. Either that, or Meyers has video of Michaels with a Filipino pool boy…
Seth Meyers makes Jay Leno look black. Wait. I mean funny. Funny like Eddie Murphy. No, um, more like Steve Harvey. Shit. This is hard!
why is everyone listening to what he says consistently enough that everyone is in on all these jokes?
I wasn’t… I didn’t realize it until afterward since I haven’t read any of his work in years but re-reading it I guess that it would be because he’s still writing the same jokes and making the same references that he has been for the last 7 years.
The sweet, sweet irony of a racist Bostonian listening to POD.
Seth Meyers is NOT funny. Know who else is from Boston and decidedly not funny? Dane Cook. Tawwmy, I’m sure, loves him some Dane Cook.
I love how it’s just a Masshole fest until the line
(thinks Seth Meyers is funny)
and then it proceeds to put Simmons in his place. Great stuff. And enough with the shiatty MTV programming podcasts, Simmons.
@marmatard – THEYA IS NO WAY THAT POD IS NAWT FACKIN WHITE! SAY IT AINT SO!
Viet-cong Welkah is, by far, my new favorite football nickname
“Viet Cawng Welkah”
You write like I fuck, Drew.
I. Feel so alive. For the very first time…
God do I hate POD.
(cranks up POD album)
So did he lose his Dropkick Murphy’s CD or did HouseO steal it?
POD is to music as Seth Meyers is to comedy as Julius Jones is to fantasy football teams
@Drew: Honestly, it’s like the guy failed upwards. He always has that stupid grin on his face, but I don’t know why. I bet even in his own mind he thinks “Fuck! I’m not really that funny, am I?” Head writer AND the weekend duty guy? Adam McKay must be rolling in his grave
Failed upwards? What does GW Bush have to do with this?
Seth Meyers is hosting this year’s ESPYs
No! You’ve lost your balls.
So now I’ll actually have to actually avoid the ESPYs instead of just ignoring them?
great one Drew, “CHAAHLIE dont catch”is outstanding. I hate Mtv and all that shit they constantly put on the air but last year damn it all i could not stop watching Jersey Shore. I wanted to hate all the guidos but settled on not liking the juice monster who boned the only good looking guidette. Pauly and the Situation made me actually like them….but pretty sure i would watch Massholes and think all of them are douchebags
Hasn’t watched MTV since, sheesh, early 90′s ? Had to Google Seth Meyers. 100% spot on about Simmons re-hashing the same old crap over and over and….
I feel like (does podcast with Adam Carolla) should’ve been in there somewhere.
O’Flahanahacallahan was just too good
O’Flahanahacallahan was just too good
Every time I see a Tawmmy post, I now instinctively go to see if Simmons has posted fresh drivel.
Guys, my hands are tied. The man returns Peter King’s texts. That just about guarantees you any job you want at NBC.
“They Must Have Bugged My Boost Mobile!”
That gets an 80′s clap.
Well played.
Limas Sweed is Vietnamese?
No, Antwan Randle-El is.
Seth Myers is horrible, but once he had to do the news alone it became painfully obvious. I watch SNL now basically to get mad at it NOT being funny. Dane Cook just makes me irrationally angry. Him I can’t even watch.
Kudos for that Boost Mobile line. Flanneryocallahan, or whatever it was too.
I feel like the Tawmmy character is building up for an epic confrontation with the Rex Ryan character. It’s the only logical conclusion.
Follahing Whitlock on Twitta is a greata civa rights triumph than anything that Dahkie MLK evah did! (seriously, though is it even possible to top the “Tiger’s comeback is harder than Ali’s” thing?
@Doctor Chim Richalds; Yea but seriously drew, tawmmy needs ace.
Viet Cawng Welkah had me effing rolling.
(listens to the “reality czar” podcasts so I can understand more of the jokes)