dog-humpin-tiger

Hooray! It’s the mailbag! And it’s also April Fool’s Day, which means that I was very tempted to write an introduction to the mailbag, then put a picture of donkey porn under the jump and answer none of your questions. It would have been a lot more fun and saved me a couple hours of work, but I didn’t do it.

…OR DID I?

No, I didn’t, but you should be warned that there’s some pixelated nudity below. Technically safe for work, but not as safe as that picture of a dog humping a tiger.

Dear KSK,
First the sex question…… I accomplished a life-long dream recently and nailed a girl who did a Penthouse spread during when she was 20 (she’s now mid-thirties, and still smokin hot).

/does math
/goes to Wikipedia list of Penthouse Pets

Is it Lexus Locklear? She did a Penthouse spread at age 20 and is now 34.

lexus-locklear-sfw

I am extremely proud of myself, and really really want to brag to my friends about it. Problem is, I’m dating her now on a fairly serious basis, and she asked me to keep it between us, since it’s not widely known and she wants to keep it that way.

Ah, then it’s not Lexus Locklear. Porn stars don’t really stay undercover.

Here’s my question- am I out of line to tell friends about this? I’m thinking I can be safe telling some out of town bros, since most likely they’ll never meet her.

Yeah, good call. You should definitely ignore her request and violate the trust of your Penthouse model girlfriend, YOU FUCKING RETARD.

Seriously: shut your facehole and think of it as a sexy secret you share with your girlfriend. Besides, you already blabbed it on this here Internet forum. We’re practically your friends. Well, more like acquaintances. And I’m more of a well-wisher, in that I don’t wish you any specific harm.

And the fantasy football question….. I ran my work league last season, and the lone female in the league ended up winning. She drew the #1 pick, was absent for the live draft, and didn’t check her team or change her lineup a single time after about week 6. Her guys got hot during the playoffs, and she knocked off the 3 best teams in consecutive weeks to win it. She didn’t even know she had won until one of the other morons in the league mentioned it to her a couple weeks later- before that, I was planning on giving her winnings to the 2nd place team. Now, she constantly talks shit about it. Question- is this a situation where hitting a female is justified?
-D

The only person that needs to get hit is you, in the balls, by yourself. You’re in a league where every owner is worse than unmoderated random chance. You guys are fucking terrible at fantasy football, and that girl SHOULD be gloating up a storm.

But thank you for sharing that story. It really lifted my mood.

Dear Assholes,
I am a nineteen year old college student who has already met my future wife. Fucking crazy, right?

Not necessarily. Are you also a lance corporal in the Marines?

She’s my best friend, and ever since the end of freshman year (I’m about to finish sophomore year) we’ve both pretty much accepted the fact that we will end up together. (This may sound like youthful impetuousness, but I can guarantee you it is not.) We finally acknowledged the fact a couple months ago. In that time I had a great girlfriend who I ended up cheating on with Future Wife, and she had a boyfriend who she ended up cheating on with me, and since we’ve both been single we’ve obviously been hooking up. Here’s the problem: We both realize how impossible it may be for us to actually be together for a few years. It would change the dynamic in our friend group, we both plan on studying abroad and this is a very tumultuous time in any person’s life (Grad school, jobs, etc). Yet we both admit part of us wants to throw caution to the wind and be together now, as it’s incredibly difficult for us not to be with each other. So I humbly ask, which is the better option? Should we be brutally honest, and admit that it’s not the right time nor place? Or should we “follow our hearts” (Damn that’s gay) and be together?

Short answer: you are young and stupid. Just date her.

Long answer: I prefer not to color the mailbag with personal anecdotes, but I feel it’s relevant here. So here we go: my dad married my mom at 22, just weeks after graduating from the Air Force Academy; they’re still together and have a happy marriage. Because I respect and admire my father, I figured that I, too, would meet my wife in college and get married shortly thereafter.

When that didn’t happen, I reset my timeline and figured I’d meet the right Cavewoman in California — I was in the Marines, after all. Girls like that, right? — and get married by 26 or so.

I’m now 31 and single. Now, that’s not a blueprint for YOUR life, and it’s most certainly not a personal ad directed at female readers. But over the last decade-plus since I entered college, I’ve met three, maybe four women that I wanted to marry, or thought I could marry, or some variation of the future-ain’t-happenin’ participle. Each and every time, I was surprised that what I thought was so certain and perfect didn’t come to fruition.

The lesson is this: shit changes. People change. YOU change. It’s not sad; it’s just life. So go ahead and date your lady now. Along the way, you may experience some heartache. You or she may do stupid things to fuck it up. But if you’re so goddamn certain that she’s your future wife, then it’ll work out for you two down the road anyway. And if not, then what you thought was certain at age 19 was not so concrete after all. You would not be the first 19-year-old to experience that.

As for football, I’m a Broncos fan. Are they better off with or without Marshall? He’s a headache but he produces, so does it really matter? Also, with the draft pick they’d get for him the Broncos would have two in the first round, so they could easily draft a WR, and Tate and Bryant look like they could be great. Also, fuck Brady Quinn.
-Seriously. Fuck That Guy.

I can’t give you a fair answer here, because the Seahawks have been the primary contender for Marshall, who I like but don’t like enough to lose a first-round draft pick (the last time the ‘Hawks traded a first-rounder for a wideout they got Deion Branch — and that was considered a good trade at the time).

Regardless, it’s best to remember the Lions Rule: don’t count on WRs drafted in the first round.

Gentlemen:
Sex: I recently started hooking up with a girl who is more experienced than I am. I don’t have a problem with this, but the first time she went downtown on me, she used enough teeth to keep me in pain until the morning after. The question is: As a girl who has had a lot more sex, is she right in thinking this is what men usually want?

Absofuckinlutely not.

When I asked her if she could go easy on the chompers, she said “I can’t do it any other way”. Is there a nicer/more efficient way to get her to stop doing this?

Maj says: Do you have a good set of pliers?

I’ve said this in past mailbags, but it’s astounding to me how many grown women are awful at fellatio. The few who are really good at it are angels sent from heaven. Like Victoria’s Secret Angels, but not as hot and good at blowjobs. Ladies: LIPS OVER TEETH.

Football: I don’t really have one, but I just wanted to point out: The new Meadowlands Stadium is even worse with the erratic wind than the old one was.
-SML

Whoa. Hey. That’s actually good to know. I won’t be picking up any kickers on the waiver wire who will be playing in the Meadowlands.

How about that, people?  One small, interesting nugget of information buried in pointless long-ass column: I’m coming for you, Peter King!

Dear KSK,
Football First- Not fantasy related, but I figured you’d enjoy this – Some schmuck in last weeks mailbag talked about losing his loyalty to the Seahawks while living in Miami and you’ve definitely covered the “am I allowed to walk away from my team” questions before. But I honestly think I have legit reasons for wavering allegiance to mine. I’m a life-long Steeler fan. I was born in upstate NY but raised in Pittsburgh. Super Bowl 40 was the best day of my life and 43 was a close 2nd.

/grits teeth

I’ve been as die-hard as any fan here. Here’s my beef with the team: 2 years ago, the Steelers approached my business partners and I to pitch them an idea for their in-game entertainment. We’re a small struggling company and this would have been huge for us. We spent hours upon un-billable hours working on the pitch and art direction. We were called back for a final meeting before they made their decision and told we were a finalist by a head executive. We were called back later that day and told our bid was denied. I went through a range of emotions, but mostly just frustration. I figured someone had a better pitch than us, so no love lost for the franchise, right? Wrong.

Being a season ticket holder, I was in my seat for opening day, ready to see what better direction the Steelers had chosen, ready to finally find some closure to the whole ordeal. About 20 seconds into the video that precedes the players being introduced onto the field, I realized that we had been proper-fucked. They had recreated our pitch, shot for shot from the storyboards and initial script. I later found out they had gone on to use NFL Films’ camera men and producers to complete the work so as not to have to pay an outside agency. I really didn’t think we had any legal actions to take, and honestly we didn’t have the means to do so. Couple all of that with a franchise quarterback who is probably a rapist, an offensive coordinator that I would literally fight if I met, a fan base that even I realize is really as annoying as everyone else in the league seems to think they are…. and I’m really considering giving up on the franchise as a whole and just switching over to being a Bills fan. Is this acceptable? or do I just hold out and realize that business is business and at least the player personnel will change over in the next 10 years or so?

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!

YOU FUCKING SUCKER!

Oh, that’s a great story. It’s funny because I hate you.

Sex next- Nothing really to complain about. I thought the football question was long enough. Maybe just to be a dick, I’ll point out that my wife is way out of my league, makes a lot more money than most women her age, is a great cook and is all-around fantastic. Take that into account, I guess, when giving me advice on wether or not I should continue to root for the Steelers.
-Fagboy McHomowank

Schadenfreude aside, I think you have a legitimate cause to stop cheering for the Steelers. They really did fuck you proper. Besides, the Steelers have approximately five times too many fans anyway. It’s not like they’re gonna miss you.

Dear Person or Persons,
I recently took a road trip up to Atlanta (from Tampa) to see a couple college buddies. I left Thursday and returned Monday, but today’s email centers on the events of Sunday.

A group of us, five total, went to a Hawks vs. Pacers game. Bas-ket-ball? Afterwards, we went to a nearby sports bar for dinner/drinks. One of the people in our group was the lovely, let’s call her “Amanda” (pics attached, but please don’t put them on the site, for obvious reasons).

KSK verdict: very attractive.

When I first laid eyes upon this girl, I literally had the first thought of “This is what my wife will look like.” I don’t have a specific type, but I knew this girl was someone to keep an eye on. We chatted briefly, off and on, about the basic get-to-know-yous (where do you work, how did you meet such and such…)

Our group had a good time and all at the bar, went back to a friend’s house for a bit, then went our separate ways. I wouldn’t say we (“Amanda” and I) really hit it off, but we did have fun and laugh here and there. I’m totally enthralled by this girl. I not once thought of doing the nasty while we were out, more just being sappy and romantic and stuff like that. We do share a few interests, as I’ve gathered from her Facebook page, and she did accept my friend request the next day (for what THAT’S worth these days).

But the main problem is the 450+ mile gap between us. It takes 6 to 7 hours to drive one way there. I hadn’t been up there in about 5 years, and don’t see myself visiting again any time soon. I would like to start something with her, but I have no idea if this is just me fawning over her like a high school dork or if it is something worth pursuing further. I don’t have a history of success with the ladies, and I fear this could be another brick in the wall between me and an actual FutureWife.

Should I start messaging her from very afar and hope things go well? Should I just stop and look for something a little closer to home? Should I drive back up there on a whim and stalk her? (Wait, that’s a bad idea.) Your advice please.

I’ve been sitting here trying to come up with sound advice for the last several minutes, and I keep coming back to one word: meh. I feel like the experience you had — a (likely) one-way attraction to a woman who lives far away — is a fairly common one for anyone who’s ever gone on a road trip or been to a wedding. And frankly, if you feel like going to Atlanta is a hassle, then you don’t really dig her as much as you say you do. I used to fly cross-country on a redeye once a month just to see a girl for a weekend — and it was worth it.

But whatever, it can’t hurt to send her a Facebook message saying, “Hey, I had a great time meeting you/I’m really attracted to you/you were the highlight of weekend. Let me know if you’re ever in a 120-mile radius of Tampa, and I’ll buy you a beer.” Or something along those lines. Or not.

Football: Provided the Bucs can land one of the stud DTs at 3, and pick up a WR (Tate, Bryant, etc) in the 2nd round, and guide Josh Freeman along toward a solid QB, could they get to .500 next year? (Can the bucs go .500? I don’t know. Can a meteor hit the earth tomorrow? Possibly. Could PK retrieve a foul ball before a cancer patient gets there in his motor scooter? Maybe.)
Yours,
Road-Weary Wonderer

Could they? Yes. Will they? I sincerely doubt it.

Dear KSK,
Sex: Over the weekend, my girlfriend and I went out to a bar with a few of her friends. About midway through the evening we find ourselves alone at our table, and she drunkenly tosses out the idea of taking her friend Becky home and having a threesome. I was stunned. We’ve brought up the fantasy of an extra partner (female only) during sex, but only as a hypothetical, and after we’d finish up in the bedroom, my girlfriend would always be quick to say things like, “I don’t think i could ever really share you. I’d get too jealous. It’s a fun fantasy though.” After making sure that she wasn’t messing with my head, I tell her that I’d absolutely be down for whatever she has planned. She hadn’t mentioned her grand plans to Becky though, and she told me that instead of a hasty and ill-conceived attempt at a threesome that night, we should wait and figure out the right way to broach the subject with her friend at a later date. We go on with our evening as her friends return to the table, and we don’t talk about it again until the next morning. To keep things succinct here are the bare-bones details of our conversation the next morning:

  • Yes, my girlfriend remembered our conversation the night before and, no she was not fucking with me.
  • Why, out of all of her acquaintances, her friend Becky? “Because she’s got huge tits, and I think she’s really sexy–but not as sexy as me” (100% spot on).
  • Becky is a logical choice for a threesome because A) She and my girlfriend are relatively new friends and it wouldn’t seem like she’s fucking her sister. B) They already made out at a bar the weekend before and from what I can gather, they both enjoyed themselves. (I was not present for this make-out session, nor was I aware of it until this point) C) Becky is recently single and thus unencumbered by a boyfriend. D) Becky lives like a half hour away from my girlfriend, so when they go out, she always crashes at my girlfriend’s place, so getting her into bed would be the only thing left to do.
  • No, my girlfriend is not a lesbian.

As far as I can tell her logic is solid, and with all this in mind, I gave her my blessings to start greasing the wheels of our threesome machine. But the more i think about it, the more I’m starting have second thoughts. First, Becky is one of my girlfriend’s only friends in a new city where she struggled to meet people, a city in which I don’t even live, and I wonder what ramifications will arise from me plowing her in front of my girlfriend.

You don’t have to have sex with her for it to still be a good threesome, you know. Your girlfriend can lay down rules for the threesome if it makes jealousy/guilt less of a factor.

But way more important is the fact that I don’t want this to screw up our relationship. We’ve been dating for almost 4 years now and I know unequivocally that I want to marry her. We put up with going to different colleges, living in different cities after graduation, and now after basically enduring every shitty thing that a long term, long distance relationship has had to offer, we managed to grow into equal and passionate partners in every sense possible. Things have never been better and we have never been more confident in our love. Maybe that’s why she feels comfortable enough to even propose a threesome. But I had a roommate in college who had a threesome with his girlfriend and a friend while they were still in high school,

IN HIGH SCHOOL?

and he said that while awesome, it triggered a downward spiral that fucked their relationship beyond all repair. I would rather have a long and happy life with my girlfriend and wonder what a threesome would have been like than to have experienced it and ended up unhappy with someone else. With all that said, I’d love to have my threesome cake and fucking eat it, too. I feel like I’m probably over-analyzing this, should I just man up and live the dream?

No, given your feelings, I think you’re right to question it. But I also think that your one friend who had a threesome in high school is a small and ridiculous sample on which to base your decision. So talk it out with your girlfriend; let her know your concerns. She’ll either agree — in which case you dodge the bullet of losing her — or it’ll make her love you more and strengthen the bond that you two will need to survive that tiresome chore of a threesome. You poor guy.

Football: I have have one keeper spot for a wide-out on my team. Fitzgerald or Megatron?
Sincerely,
Three’s (A Welcomed) Company

Fitty.

Hello sirs,
Sex: I am getting married this spring to a woman I have been dating for over six years now. We’ve lived together for almost two full, as well. That kind of means we are in that “living together” routine of sex that is both enjoyable but no longer drunken weekend trysts three times a night. We have to go to work and things on Wednesdays, or whatever. It happens. I guess my question comes down to what I should I be prepping myself for on my big ol’ wedding night? I mean, besides obviously trying to last longer than 30 seconds for once. After six years we’ve done a lot of sexy things already, and I don’t know if we’d be breaking any new ground, or even if we should try. Is there an expectation that the groom goes centaur on the lady? Is the bride full of one time wild wifey sex as I’ve always heard? Should I just not worry about making it be awesome because it probably WILL just be awesome? There are so many questions. Any insight from the KSKers?

I think it depends on the couple getting married. My ideal wedding day would involve nailing my bride within five minutes of leaving the church while she’s still in her gown. That way I get the post-wedding sex without having to worry about getting too drunk at the reception. To me, getting drunk and getting laid are equally important.

Regardless, your wedding day is going to be long, exhausting, and at times stressful. Focus on getting freaky and expanding horizons on your honeymoon.

Fantasy: A pay league I was in that was rather archaic (6 points for TDs, 3 for 100 yards rushing, 3 for 300 yards passing … the scores were like a Browns/Raiders game) took a hiatus last year and will be starting again this fall. It use to be a keeper league, but we’re starting fresh. I’m not the commissioner of this one, but feel like I should take it upon myself to suggest scoring and rule formatting, and then take advantage of those changes by having a complete draft board. I don’t know how open these guys are to change (I would guess not very). Any suggestions on what I could maybe throw out there to make this league not a shitty one, scoring wise, that wouldn’t make these resistant guys cringe?
Thanks!
-PJ

Show them this letter you wrote to a fantasy football mailbag, and tell them that this was the response you got:

HOLY FUCK THAT IS A GODDAM RETARDED SCORING SYSTEM. DO YOU DUMBSHITS REALIZE THAT COMPUTERS DO ALL THE WORK NOW? ENTER THE 21ST CENTURY YOU FUCKING OCTOGENARIAN TWATS.

CC -
Pretty fucked up story here that I’m looking for some advice from someone I don’t know before I go dropping this on my family. I’ll try to make it as concise as possible.

Spring, 2002, my girlfriend of almost five years broke up with me right after I moved back from college. One week later, she finds out she’s pregnant. Two weeks later, I find out from her that she’s having severe cramps and then after a visit to the doc a couple days later, she loses the child. She’s all emotional and I dodge the whole “kid with my ex” situation (or for that matter, a kid in general). Five months later, she moves to California to be with her new boyfriend, whom she ends up marrying the following summer. I spoke with her a couple times after she moved to CA, but we ended up losing communication.

Thanks to Facebook (hooray!), I got a message sent from her in January of this year. This is the first time I had heard from her in over seven years. I have since gotten married and she has had three kids since then, so it was great to catch up and hear how she’s doing. I’d be lying if I hadn’t thought about her in the time since then, so it was nice to find out how our lives had changed since our last time together.

We have been emailing back and forth with somewhat regularity since then, and last week she said that she really needed to discuss something with me. She said she needed to talk about the pregnancy she had back in 2002. She said she needs to tell me the truth about it. Turns out…she didn’t lose the kid after all.

omg-cat

Her now-husband told her that he’d help raise the child as if it were his own, which after she said she thought long and hard about, she ended up not doing. She gave birth to the child early in 2003 and gave it up for adoption – closed, so no info would come out.

Now, I’ve been married for three years to my wife I love dearly, and we’re expecting our first child in September. To say that this has been gnawing at me for about a week now. To think that there’s a seven year old girl out there somewhere who possibly looks just like me is beyond killing me. The question I have to you is: When would you suggest me telling me wife this – during the pregnancy, which has been great so far but could cloud all the events leading up to the child birth, or after the child is born? I realize there isn’t any good time to tell her this sort of thing, and I’m not going to keep this from her for too long since it’s been weighing pretty heavily on me since I found out. To think I was intentionally deceived and withheld information regarding a child of mine also has me thinking of seeking possible legal advice.

I got no football questions since I’m a Vikings fan and I’ve already been punched in the dick enough to have any sort of hope going forward.
- Anonymous

Tell your wife now. Just get it over with. There’s no benefit in waiting to tell her, and it’s not like this is your fault (although if she can be jealous, she may not like you emailing back and forth with an ex-girlfriend while she’s pregnant).

You got yourself a bona fide soap opera story. If you want to see your daughter (I know that I’d want to), I think seeking legal action is a very good idea. And OMG Cat totally agrees.