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When last we left the Fun With Peter King series, it was in the capable hands of Drew Magary. But Drew’s taking a break for a few weeks to finish his upcoming book, “Oh There’s My Dick!: How My Twitter Humiliation Diet Saved My Marriage and Yours Too”. While he’s gone, I, the eminently unfunny homer hack Christmas Ape, will be taking over the PK mockery in his stead. And what luck, his first column is mostly about Ben Roethlisberger! What fun!

What word swill does the Poland-dittoing scribe spew this week? How would Big Ben have been better off with criminal charges? How much should we condemn a quarter rape? Has the smoke monster from Lost forever imperiled Europe and ruined the chances of people who couldn’t possibly win the Boston Marathon? And what of the Pittsburghishness of PK’s wife? Answers and more after the jump:

I spoke to Art Rooney II, the Steelers president and franchise caretaker since owner Dan Rooney is at work as Ambassador to Ireland, and wanted to get one thing straight: “My read of what you said in your news conference, and to the New York Times, is that you’re moving forward with Ben as a Steeler.”

“That’s a fair reading, yup,” Rooney said.

Nice tidbit to lead your column. BREAKING: NFL OWNER CITES RECORD HIGH IN PRESS CONFERENCE COMPREHENSION

Then again, some remain convinced that the Rooneys are still actively shopping Roethlisberger to other teams. But then “moving forward” is vague enough language that Rooney can say yes without actually lying. “Yes, we’re moving forward with Ben as a Steeler, until we trade him the night of the draft.”

So unless Roethlisberger screws up again — unlikely because of how scared he is right now, I’m told

COACH SHOW THE BEN VAGINA DENTATA MOVIE! NOW THE BEN NOT GO NEAR WOMAN’S BANG BOX FOR ALL THE CHOCO TACOS IN THE WORLD!

The league handles hot-button discipline issues like this from 280 Park Avenue consistently, and I just don’t think Goodell wants to cede authority to the team on such a hot-button issue.

“Nooooooo, we want to be the ones to make a problematic and unprecedented disciplinary action!”

This also allows the league to rap Roethlisberger longer

“I say a-hip-hop hippie the hippie to the hip hip hop, a you don’t stop the rape to the bang banged floozy say up jumped the boogie to the rhythm of the boogie, the beat”

I’d been told last week that the league would still be gathering information on the incident for several more days, but then the 572-page police investigation was released, a damning lot of evidence against Roethlisberger.

What about the police report was particularly damning? The testimony of the accuser’s friends was more lurid and detailed, but wasn’t substantially different from what we knew they claimed all along. What’s that? You’re in the media? Proceed with the THEY DRAGGED THAT LITTLE GIRL BY HER HAIR TO RAPE HER! THAT MONSTER!

If a quarter of the accusations from that night in Georgia are true, he deserves the wrath he’ll feel.

Sure, that’s only a 25 percent rape, but it’s a legit 25 percent.

There could be picketing in bucolic Latrobe this summer, at training camp. He’ll get booed in his own stadium. He’ll have to have cotton in his ears in every road stadium. He’ll be a huge distraction to his own team. The Steelers are counting on time healing the wounds of the Steeler public.

The Steeler public is cut to their Steeler core, which is just under the French fries. They will try to employ their sense of Steeler forgiveness, but will the passage of time be enough to assuage their Steeler guilt?

I know Steeler fans well. I married a Pittsburgh girl.

Honey, we got ourselves a Pittsburghish love. But do we always have to do it while listening to Donnie Iris?

But I’m also left thinking Roethlisberger’s image might have been less sullied had he been charged with a crime.

/prays for the Iceland volcano to be an omen for End Times

Certainly, the police not finding sufficient evidence to prosecute any of the three components of rape is an undesirable alternative to having criminal charges brought, which would have resulted in a lengthier suspension (possibly indefinite), not to mention a high-profile media shitshow trial where every single bit of circumstantial evidence would be paraded on the airwaves as if it were the immutable word of God. He might have even kept his beef jerky endorsement deal.

But I will say this of PK: at least he hasn’t tried to explain Ben’s actions as the outcome of his mom dying when he was 8 years old.

An underage college girl and some friends are plied with alcohol, and Roethlisberger disappears with a totally intoxicated one, and the totally intoxicated one, who hit her head at one point, told police she remembers saying no to Roethlisberger’s advances twice.

And according to the DA, she also told police that no rape occurred, then changed her mind. DETAILS, DETAILS

I’m not sure how reliable those statements should be, but it’s likely the Roethlisberger side will try to let the story die and not refute anything. I believe the night probably happened close to the way the victim and her friends say it did, and that Roethlisberger is a lout.

“I’m not sure about the reliability of this information that I basically accept as fact.”

One last point: However it happened, and finger-pointing aside, at least two women have come forward in the last nine months and accused Roethlisberger of taking advantage of them — in graphic, sordid detail.

Message to the football world is clear: if you’re going to have unproven and unprosecutable allegations made against you, just make sure they aren’t detailed ones.

Why Mock Drafts are madness, yet we all do them anyway.

I e-mailed Linda Zimmerman, wife of Dr. Z, the other day to issue a plaintive wail about the art of the mock draft. “You have to tell him to come back and do this mock NFL draft,” I wrote, “because it is driving me out of my mind.”

“When I first met Paul, he wouldn’t go to the bathroom for the entire week … didn’t want to miss a call. ‘Hey, Paul, you can get a wireless, handheld phone!’ As you know, electronics were never his strong suit.”

He couldn’t even figure out the Poop Tube!

My mock draft was filed to Sports Illustrated on Friday, and I made a few revisions Saturday. You’ll have it in your hands Wednesday, when the mag gets to your mailbox, and you will be able to find it online here at SI.com as well. Would I have liked three or four extra days to make changes and have it out Thursday? I’ll answer that two ways. One: Of course I would. Two: Of course I wouldn’t.

Three: Die.

I’ve always done a mock draft, but Zim’s version, I thought, was The Mock of Record.

When future civilizations sort through the rubble of our once mighty society, they will push aside lesser examples of frequently inaccurate speculation about pro football draft picks and say this, THIS!, was truly the guesswork upon which all other often incorrect guesswork was judged.

This year, the challenge was four through seven, and then Jacksonville (10) through the Giants (15). At four, Washington’s Bruce Allen and Mike Shanahan are championship smokescreeners or simply uninformative.

And, of course, there’s always the possibility that Dan Snyder will force the team to trade their pick for a 12th year veteran whose skills are decidedly on the decline. I tell you, if Chris Chambers returns to 2005 form, he’d be a steal for our first rounder!

That, dear readers, is how a mock draft gets absolutely screwed up. What did I do with the Jags’ pick? You’ll know Wednesday.

/reading tea leaves

The New Draft makes its debut.

The NFL has always been good at inventing television programs

Remember the time the NFL created the show “Conveyor Belt of Love” specifically for Ben Roethlisberger?

But beginning at 6, the NFL Network will air a red-carpet treatment of the draft that will include the league parading out many of the 75 most valuable draft choices of all time as voted on by fans at NFL.com.

Well, at least I wont have an excuse not to be blind drunk by the time the Rams pick.

Other changes you’ll see in the draft this year include the NFL allowing a Make-A-Wish child, a military veteran, sweepstakes winners and several Pro Football Hall of Famers to announce picks, probably in the second and third round, which will take place Friday.

Jets fans: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Quote of the Week II

“Ninety-five.”
– NFL Players Association executive director DeMaurice Smith, asked on 106.7 The Fan in Washington the percent chance that the owners will lock out the players in 2011.

Semi-quasi legitish percentage of note.

Factoid of the Week That May Interest Only Me

Sean Payton, the coach of the Saints, is the lead plaintiff among 2,100 alleged victims in a case scheduled to begin this week against a company from China charged with shipping drywall that made people sick and damaged other property in the home.

The trial will take place at U.S. District Court in New Orleans.

Heck of a choice for lead plaintiff. Sounds like kicking off in a football game with a 21-0 lead.

I bet Peter King actually thinks the court system works like Around the Horn, where each side is awarded an arbitrary amount of points by the judge based on how convincingly (read: loudly) they can make their case. Oooh, nice celebrity testimony! Put 21 on the board!

Stat of the Week: Arm length. Another one of the newfangled stats we can’t seem to live without this time of year.

Only important if their reach improves their 40 time! Did you see Stallworths?

Tweet of the Week

“Scutaro accidentally threw his bat in the crowd. Fans fighting for it to try and knock themselves unconscious.”
– @peteabe, Boston Globe Red Sox beat man Pete Abraham, on a rainy, 36-degree Saturday night at Fenway Park

Eh, whatever. Philly fans already set the new benchmark for baseball fan retardery with the guy last week who purposefully puked on an 11-year-old girl and got in a fight with her off-duty cop dad. Meanwhile, a reader directed us to a Twittering Boston fan who epitomizes everything Tawwmy. It’s really quite magical.

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Ten Things I Think I Think

2. I think Jon Gruden should have a new reality show — and I’m serious. “Developing Quarterbacks With an Acerbic Tongue,” starring Gruden, Colt McCoy and Jimmy Clausen.

More like “THIS GUY, THIS GUY and me.”

I think the no-duh statement of the week comes from new Jet Santonio Holmes. Said Holmes: “I can’t fault anybody but myself for putting myself in that position.” No kidding. No one else imbibed in whatever your substance of choice was.

Yeah, only Santonio would dare drink marijuana.

7. I think, 12 years after he was taken number two overall by San Diego, Ryan Leaf might finally be turning his life around … and this comes courtesy of a sentence for 10 years’ probation and a $20,000 fine for smuggling prescription drugs across the border from Canada.

As we all know, the sentencing process does wonders for one’s public image.

8. I think we’re picking up some momentum on our New England Locker Room Luncheon to benefit the Matt Light Foundation

The luncheon is at Davio’s at Patriot Place in Foxboro, from 11:30 a.m. to 1:30 p.m. on May 11. We’re selling 30 seats for $1,000 apiece, and for that grand you’ll get your picture taken with Light and Edelman, autographs galore, and some quality football talk.

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Pictured: Light and Edelman

9. I think it is not news — or shouldn’t be — when Jerry Jones, apparently tipsy, talks to a cellphone-toter who doesn’t say he’s going to publicize the Jones video. It wouldn’t be for me. Now, many of you have Tweeted me or e-mailed to say, “What about the reporting of Jerry at the league meetings years ago when he was into the wine and talked about 500 coaches being able to do the job Jimmy Johnson did?”

Here’s the difference between this week’s story and the 16-year-old story that led to the Jones-Johnson divorce: Rick Gosselin and Ed Werder, two of the reporters who heard Jones through the firewater that night at the league meetings in Orlando in 1994, didn’t report anything immediately. Rather, they went to see Jones the next morning at 9 to quiz him on the record about what he’d said, and Jones said it was all fair game. Sorry. I wasn’t taught in journalism school to ambush-quote newsmakers after midnight, and after four glasses of wine. And if that’s the way the business is going, I’ll find something else to do, thanks.

Kind of like how you checked the “Sean Payton stole Jerry Jones’ wine before the combine” story by those two guys before running it in your fucking column? Eat nutmeg-encrusted shit, PK. Funny how the old media guys only discover their fastidious commitment to ethics when a story comes from the Internet.

c. How sad, the dozens of runners stranded in Europe who can’t get to the starting line of the Boston Marathon this morning.

They wont even have a chance to finish an hour behind the Kenyans.

e. Coffeenerdness: I’ve been slow in recommending a really good cup of coffee that’s right up my alley — dark and full of flavor, no acidity: Blind Bean Blend, a French roast-Colombian mix. My buddy Bob McGinn of the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel forwarded it to me graciously right after the season. I would recommend you do it if only to see one of the coolest coffee logos on the planet. Interesting story of an Iowa man who went blind and still followed his dream of becoming a coffee-roaster. I wouldn’t put him in this space if the coffee were swill, and it’s really good.

Peter King will not imbibe in your swill of choice!

And this is the logo he’s talking about. Personally, I think it’d be much cooler if the he had a seeing eye breakfast croissant dog.

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I know what I’ll do first thing Thursday morning. Click on dallasnews.com and check my mock draft against Rick Gosselin’s. He’s fantastic. Always has been. Later check mine and Gosselin’s against that of SI.com’s Don Banks, who, in addition to filing his final mock late Thursday morning, will also have a mock draft of the second round on Friday morning.

Pfft. Those aren’t even Mock Drafts of Record.