Patsduke

Look everybody! I scaahhhed tickets to the Final Fowah! They gawt live dahhkies here and everything! They even let ‘em tack on the TV. Life is wicked strange outside the ivory towah.

[Points to a guy in a turban and calls him Obama]

I’m he-ah with Cameron Crazy Nation ’bout to see Duke win yet anothah title, because Coach K is fackin smaht. He and Billy Belichick are fackin evil geniuses and you just wish you could stop them. If they combined they-ah genius they could rule the world, so you should stop bitching about they-ah coaching and just be glad you don’t have to give them 95 pahcent of yo-ah wages. Nawt that you make anywhere near as much as my dad.

[Flashes American Express black card with dad's name on it at camera]

People give me shit for rooting for good teams but I do nawt root for them because they ahhh good. They ahhh good because fans like me gawt haaaahhhhhhhttt. I willed that last second faggot Butlah desperation shawt out of the hoop. It was about to go in, and I said, “Shawt, if you go in that hoop, I will roundhouse kick ya mothah in the dick.” So it clanged out. I was rawponsible for that. They should have let me cut down the nets. Speaking of the Nets, no poor Jersey faggots will be bringing Coach K to the NBA. The Celtics already showed that successful college coaches don’t work in the NBA. If it can’t work for Bahston, why would you even try? Besides, Coach K is treated like a god by Cameron Crazy Nation. We made a cheer sheet so fans could tell him that.

[Shakes outstretched hands at usher to psych him out]

Yankees sack! Tahhh Heels sack! Tahhh Babies sack!