Pictured: the readers I wish we had.

Pictured: the readers I wish we had.


Mailbag, y’all. Sorry for the lateness today. I inexplicably fell asleep before midnight last night, which means that I’ve had to juggle this throughout the day while ditching my apartment for an internet cafe because Time Warner is the most sadistic of Satan’s minions.

But you don’t want excuses. You want people’s problems, and I got ‘em right here. Read on.

Dear KSK,
Handegg: What is the most efficient way to accuse other NFL players of rape so that they will be suspended? How long before their team goes against mine should I make the official accusations? It seems like the commish takes a while to give the suspension out but do you see his turnaround improving as the season progresses?

Well, you can’t just make a completely baseless accusation. You have to at least have sex with the NFL player, which limits his alibi. So get to work, pal. If by chance you want to bring down a tight end, I’d recommend going for Chris Cooley over Visanthe Shiancoe.

Get it? Because of dick size.

Sex: I’ve been dating this girl a while and I am starting to leave the “she is cute and not insane” mindset and beginning to look at her as a long-term prospect. The one hangup that keeps getting to me is that she’s unable to get pregnant. I’m currently loving the condom-less sex, but down the road I know that I want to have kids and I want those kids to have my genes. The more I think about this, the more positive I am that I couldn’t do an adoption or surrogate mother thing. Am I being irrational about this? I’m afraid that if I continue dating the girl for a few more years in the hopes that the desire for my wife to bear my kids will fade, the issue will end up destroying the relationship and destroying her self-confidence.
-E.D.

Unfortunately, you’re not being irrational. As much as I believe in nurture over nature, we’re programmed to want to pass our DNA on to our progeny. That’s just science, homes.

Also science: you getting stabbed by your girlfriend if you wait “a few more years” to talk to her about this.

People who’s advice I tend to agree with,

It’s “whose.” But thank you. We do our best to give thoughtful answers.

Football: As a Chiefs fan who goes to USC, and who also spent the last 6 or 7 years hating the Patriots, how am I supposed to react tomorrow when the Chiefs draft Clausen (ND & Generally just a piece of shit) and pair him with Weis (ND & Pat piece of shit)? I’m not going to abandon my team, but if Clausen ever starts for us would it be wrong to root for 4 rushing TDs a game and absolutely no passing success? Maybe I’m paranoid and Clausen isn’t on the Chief’s radar. Maybe it won’t happen. It better not happen.

It didn’t happen.

Sex(ish): This is the real reason I’m writing. I’ve had a girlfriend for the past 2 and half years in college. When I was initially chasing her I considered her out of my league, and she’s still just as hot and equally as kind, so I never thought the following problem would exist. We’re both graduating in a month, and she has accepted a job in our current city. I have absolutely no job lined up or immediate future outlook, so I’ve decided on working about 7 hours away in Yosemite (still waiting to be hired) over the summer until moving to Spain to work next fall/winter to see where life takes me. These plans are most likely going to require our relationship to end. My question is, when do I break the news to her? She has no idea – she constantly mentions things she wants to do when I live here next year – and this is really going to break her heart (drunken marriage slips have come out of her mouth). My approach at the moment is to wait until my plans are a bit more solid before I tell her, so I can be resolute in my commitment to leaving. A couple of my close buddies seem to think I need to be honest and discuss it with her now, out of respect for the last 2 and a half years. I’ve been set on Yosemite/Spain for about a month now, so when she does find out, whether its now or later, she’ll know I’ve been keeping it from her for some time. I still care about her; there are just things I want to do in my life, and having a girlfriend while in Spain for a year or more probably isn’t the best idea and would end up not working out. So do I man up and tell her now, probably ruining the last month of college for both of us, or do I wait until I’m certain I’m leaving for the summer, break the news, and cut town?
I’m a dick either way,
-B

Yes, you are a dick either way. Your plan sounds selfish and immature. It also sounds like a ton of fun and something I would have loved to do when I was 22 (or, uh, now), so I can’t exactly scold you without being a complete hypocrite.

But here’s a helpful tip from the Free Advice Jar: whenever your options in life are “man up” or “wait to deliver bad news,” fucking man up. It’s good practice for not becoming a complete shitweasel.

Valiant Vaginal Validaters,
The relentless pursuit of poon: I’m 27, married, and happy. A couple months ago, the wife and I conceived a child. A couple weeks ago, the child died inside her womb. This, needless to say, has caused her some sadness, anger, frustration, etc… After the D&C,

Dilation and curettage, for you young bucks who are unfamiliar.

we were told nothing was to be inserted vaginally for four to six weeks. No tampons, no douching, no intercourse. This, needless to say, has fucked BOTH of our shit up.

She has been more than accommodating, giving me blowjobs about as often as we used to fuck – but I feel like an asshole ’cause I can’t reciprocate… I went manual and just rubbed her off a couple times, but she complains that it makes her “need my cock” that much more (that is her line when she wants to fuck. Classy girl, this one).

I love a beej as much as the next guy, but eventually my guilt overcame me… to a point where I turned her down. Well, that was a huge fucking mistake. I thought I was being considerate by taking her feelings (and inability to get laid) into consideration, turns out she felt unwanted. So now my normally sane, loving wife has gone batshit crazy – to the point where she accused me of cheating or some shit. For the record, I never have and never will.

My question, I guess, is what the fuck? What happened?

Did you not get the memo? Bitches be crazy.

Is this some imbalance due to her estrogen / progesterone / hCG levels still being off? Do I just need to let her blow me whenever she wants? (not really a problem) I bought flowers and made her seafood marinara (her fave) and it’s pretty much water under the bridge, but I’ll be damned if this is gonna happen again. HELP!

Hold on, let me just go to medical school and focus on OB/GYN and psychiatry. I’ll get back to you with an answer in 7-10 years.

Which is to say: fuck if know, dude. I have a friend who used to say, “All women are crazy. Some are just better at hiding it.” Now, there was a living fetus in your wife’s womb — a little future-baby that she got emotionally attached to — AND IT DIED. You and I are biologically incapable ofunderstanding how devastating that is, but I’ve done my best to create the picture inside your wife’s brain:

crazy-button

The lesson, as always: don’t turn down blowjobs, retard. Especially blowjobs from your wife. Those are the rarest kind.

The sport you call football: I suck at FF. No idea how, but every single player I draft shits the bed that season. This being said, I got Big Gray Gen, B-Marsh, Vick, Holmes, Stallworth, etc… and assembled basically an ‘all-asshole/felon’ team. I’m guaranteed 1st this season, right?
Thanks,
Too Much Head or Too Much Thinking?

Hey, it worked for the Raiders, right?

Dear Blog Queens,
FF: Short and sweet, which rookie is the best pick this year? I thought it would be C.J. Spiller but with the Bills…. Maybe Dez Bryant?

I absolutely love drafting rookies with potential. In the last couple years, guys like Matt Forte, Percy Harvin, and DeSean Jackson have produced terrific fantasy numbers from the 5th round or later in most fantasy drafts, and there always seems to be a rookie running back who comes through when the starter gets injured (all hail 2009 late-season savior Jamaal Charles).

Out of the 2010 draft, I really like Jahvid Best and Golden Tate. Best will fall because the Lions suck and Kevin Smith is still kinda okay, and I get the same vibe from Tate that I got from Jackson and Harvin — although you should note that I can’t quantify that, and it’s probably just wishful thinking from a Seahawks fan. Anyway, let’s not rush to judgment. Let’s wait until we get some training camp news and see who’s generating buzz.

Not football: My boyfriend and I get along wonderfully. We’re moving in together, parents love him, etc etc. Only problem is that I know way, way more about football than him. I’m an investment banker, the nerdy math kind, and I have a good mind for numbers and stats. I am a die-hard Vikings fan (curse my luck) and I consider the ‘98 loss the worst day of my young life. Last year was a close second. Problem is, my boyfriend doesn’t know anything. He claims to be a Cowboys fan (even though he grew up in Houston, wtf) and will occasionally make silly but well-intentioned comments about the game. I politely corrected him about Tony Dorsett finishing his career with the Broncos rather than the Cowboys and he did not take it well. I don’t know if it’s an affront to his manhood that his girlfriend knows more than him about football but he definitely reacted way worse to me than he would to any of his friends. Long story short- should I just stay quiet about football? Take a stand for female football fans everywhere and act like I would with anyone else? It was the most embarrassed I’ve ever seen him.
With love,
Ladyfan

Ahhhhh, this sounds curiously like our sexy Asian woman whose boyfriend couldn’t handle her having a big-ass truck (see here and here).

Forget gender expectations (“Only guys can like football!”) for a moment. No person of either sex should ever have to dumb down who they are or pretend to be anyone but himself or herself for their partner. If your front-running dipshit Cowboys fan boyfriend has a problem with it, he can either bone up on his football knowledge or long for you forlornly after you shitcan him for being an insecure little bitch.

Sup cuhhhhhhhhhhhhh?
Fantasy: Keeper league where the player you keep costs you the round he was drafted in last year in the upcoming draft. Pretty standard scoring except 0.5 PPR. I am definitely keeping Ray Rice (who I “reached” for in the 5th round last year) and for my 2nd keeper I am torn between Desean Jackson (cost = 4th rounder) and Shonn Greene (cost = last (17th) rounder.) I am concerned with an LT renaissance taking touches away from Greene. As for Jackson, Kolb is unproven and like The Dude, “I just really hate the fuckin Eagles.”

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hoo hoo, good one. “LT renaissance.” Here’s the way I see it: Jackson is definitely worth a 4th rounder, but you can get someone else of his caliber in that round. However, even IF Tomlinson steals some touches, Shonn Greene will give you better numbers than whoever you might otherwise get in the 17th round. Plus, losing your pick in the last round will let you leave your draft early. That’s some serious value.

Sex: I’m doing fine in this arena. I do have a lot of virgin friends however, and since we’re all at least 23 years old, and none of them are virgins on purpose, I’m starting to be a bit concerned. They used to make good punchlines, but we’re tired of all the 40-year-old virgin jokes and really just want them to get on the scoreboard. I’m a horrible wingman who dominates conversation and when we all go out as a group, the virginity is a multiplier that exponentially lowers any of their chances. Any advice on how I can help my unattractive, online-poker-addicted friends get laid?
Thanks,
Deezy

Well, you can stop being a shitty wingman. Start conversations with women, introduce your friend to them, find them some common ground (“Hey Bob, you like poker. Jenny’s mom is a dealer in Vegas” or somesuch), and then get the fuck out of the way.

Or you can do what I do: only have attractive friends.

Cpt. Caveman,
Sex: small disclaimer – I have only had sex with my wife, so I do not have much experience sexually. My wife loves the full out ball slapping, fast and deep thrusting sex, which is fine but I can’t last very long, going at that pace. Is this normal, how long can a man last when he is having sex at such a fast, and deep pace? How can I keep up that pace and last longer? I have tried numbing creme, which helps a little, but everything else I try (slowing down pace, switching positions during, focusing on other parts of her body) she does not care for and says it doesn’t do much for her.

Well, it just so happens that your wife likes precisely what makes most dudes ejaculate (And don’t I know it! Holla fellas!).

I don’t know what to say, dude. A condom will make you last longer, but it also lessens the sensation with your lady, and the idea of married people using condoms just makes me sad. Perhaps you’d like to make an investment in the Thrillhammer, the sex machine industry’s leader in teledildonics:

thrillhammer

Football: What is a good way to evaluate trade proposals in Fantasy Football? I almost never do trades out of fear that I am going to be ripped off, so I avoid them altogether. What seems to the be best approach, comparing stats, rankings, or what stats you may be lacking?
Thanks,
Fast and Short

Yes. Identify what you need and what you’re willing to part with, then try to find someone in your league whose extra parts match your needs. And unless the proposal is from an idiot who’s giving you a star for free, make a counter-offer. It can’t hurt to see if you can get more.

And if you’re too afraid to make a trade, remember this: IT’S JUST FANTASY FOOTBALL. It is a pretend game based on another game. It’s really not a big deal to fuck something up.

Dear KSK,
No nookie question or clever salutation, but I have a two-part football question, part fantasy, part ‘real’ (for all of this, keep in mind I live in Seattle, the latest city for PK to get his man-goo on):

Fantasy: Given that the Seahawks had, by all accounts, a great draft, does that make anyone on the team a viable fantasy option? They have a weak schedule, but they also are a weak team, in spite of said draft. I think Carlson may be a solid TE, but what about Matt Brokenback, any of the WRs or recently-acquired RBs?

Ugh, I smugly drafted Carlson last year, expecting a breakout year. He scored two TDs in Week 1 and then disappeared. I’m going to try to steer clear of Seattle TEs or WRs until the Seahawks’ quarterback situation solidifies (i.e., Hasselbeck leaves, dies, or is healed by Jesus).

Justin Forsett proved to be a decent option at the flex spot last year, but Leon Washington’s presence confuses that situation. And as I said above, I think Golden Tate has the goods, but for now I doubt I’d take him before the 10th round in a 12-team league.

‘Real’: Along the same lines of that great draft, we’re gonna go 6-12 and end up with a bunch of phenomenal busts, aren’t we?

Not unless Goodell expands the season to 18 games between now and September. Pretty unlikely.

Because every time every draft pundit out there says a team had a great draft, three years later every player from that draft is riding pine or out of a job. Plus, it’s Seattle. And the idea of PC coaching in the NFL again scares the crap outta me.
-Hopeless in Seattle

All this hand-wringing for events that are still more than four months away. Yeah, it seems like a good draft. But Christ, man, I don’t know any better than anyone else whether those guys will  pan out or if Carroll will be any good as an NFL coach. Go outside and enjoy the nice weather or something. Take a time out, open up ya mind and then peep the giraffe.

(I will, however, say this about Carroll: the notion of his stint as the Patriots coach being a “disaster” is hyperbole spread by Bill Simmons and loudmouth Pats fans. He did better in his first stint as an NFL coach than Bill Belichick did. Which is not to say that I’m confident about Carroll. However, IF he succeeds, the bitching from Pats fans will make the Seahawks’ winning even more enjoyable.)

Cavehombre,
Fantasy AND Sex in one question: I’m in my first year of grad school and the vast majority of the people in my program are female.

And your father said an MFA in poetry would be useless! Who’s laughing now, Dad?

A lot of us hang out all the time and a few people are interested in starting up a FF league in the fall. Two problems, first: are there many (or any really) nearly all chick FF leagues? Any advice for managing that dynamic? Secondly, I have hooked up with one of them before and would like to hook up with others in the future. Any recommendations for leveraging the (potential) league in that favor? Or is a fantasy league with all girls when you’re likely to be the only guy just a bad idea?
-Fantasy Fantasy

Seriously, where do you go to grad school? Heaven?

In all honesty, I don’t think I’d like this. A fantasy league with a handful of verified cool chicks is fine, but a league in which the commissioner is the only guy? And, I assume, some or many of the entrants are first-time fantasy players? And you’re planning on pursuing sexual relationships with more than one of the women?

Dude, you’re the foreman at a Bad Idea Jeans factory.

Sex: My girlfriend and I have been dating for about six months, we’re in love and we have sex a lot. Sometimes in order to come I think about other girls (past loves, friends of friends, Milla Jovovich etc.). If she knew who I was banging in my mind she would probably never talk to me again, especially if it’s, say, my coworker or a hot waitress she’s particularly threatened by. Is this mental adultery something I should feel bad about (I do) or is it not a big deal?

Yes, it’s something you should feel bad about. But no, it’s not a big deal. We’re men; we fantasize about women. Now, it’s better for you and your relationship to be focused on the moment and the tits at hand, but hey… sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do to get off. But for God’s sake, don’t ever tell your girlfriend.

Dear KSK,
I shall start with sex, since that’s what the community wants. I am recently divorced after 10+ years of marriage (she cheated, I did not), and taking a long solo trip to Canada this August to clear my mind. My last full night away will be my 35th birthday. I understand that Canadian mores about paying for Christian Conversatrion are significantly more “relaxed” than in the States.

Conversatrion? Is that what prostitution’s called in Canada?

As a one-time thing to help clear my head and allow me to move on with my life, is this justifiable, or a few steps short of Jesus Quintana-ish creepiness?

I don’t think there’s anything morally wrong with prostitution; it’s just a business transaction between two individuals, like a lap dance or giving your niece $10 to not tell anyone what happened in the shed.

Which is to say: morality is a sliding scale that varies with the individual. I don’t see why a divorce makes getting a hooker a more attractive option than getting drunk and hooking up with a random Canadian chick, but whatever. Go to town, pal.

If the former, is it best to just contact an escort service, or go see the hotel concierge with nice tip in hand?

Well, I’m unfamiliar with the ways of Canada, but I wouldn’t be comfortable going up to a stranger and saying, “Pssst, where can I get a whore around here?”

This may be hard to believe, but I actually don’t know the best way to get a hooker in Canada or elsewhere. I’d probably ask the hotel’s bartender before I asked the concierge, though.

Football – I’m in a 14-team, 20-man roster, PPR league ($250 salary cap). We can give one keeper a 20% raise from last year’s bid. Would you recommend keeping Leinart for $3, Sproles for $6 (fucking Fresno State rookie asshole), or jumping off a bridge once the Canadian odyssey is finished?
- Clever Tagline Not Included

I don’t have any experience with salary cap leagues, but doesn’t it seem wrong to give Matt Leinart a raise?

Gentlemen,

Fantasy Football: Not so much a question as it is a suggestion. Last year my league started a tradition in which the player with the lowest weekly point total has to write an email to the rest of the league detailing the previous week’s matchups. Since this is a league of guys who have been good friends for several years, the weekly email is usually pretty funny, especially since the writer has to recap the game he lost. I’d definitely recommend adding this feature to leagues that have been going for a few years to keep things interesting and further humiliate those who suck at fantasy football. Of course, I’m one of those people and had to write said email three times last season. I’d also recommend this to the guy in a league with his mom.

Are you kidding? That sounds like crazy effort. Tons of commissioners have problems getting everyone in their league to pay their entry fee; you think people will spend extra time writing about how they lost? Hell, part of why I like fantasy football is that I can spend as little as ten minutes a week on my team and still have a pretty good shot at winning on Sunday.

Anyway, I like the creativity, and I’m glad it works for you guys, but the last fucking thing I need in my life is more email and additional writing assignments.

Real Football: I’m a Colts fan in Broncos country.

Hey, you both like horses!

I’d like to think I’m less annoying than the average Indy fan, and I don’t like TGIFriday’s, so I’m definitely not your traditional fat hump. How can I make Broncos fans feel more miserable about drafting Tebow of Nazareth and the impending McDaniels SuperAIDS outbreak?

So you’re less annoying than the average Colts fan, but you want to taunt another fan base while you’re surrounded by them? Perhaps you need to rethink your perception of yourself.

I’m strictly against the “taunting in advance” scenario. I tried that last year with the Broncos, and the assholes went 8-8. Frankly, I’d be more afraid of the Broncos actually being good. I think you’re better off keeping a low profile — especially since your team has an all-time choke artist at quarterback.

p.s. That’s a burn.

Sex: I’m a grad student and I work as a TA for an undergrad class that is stacked with some nice looking young ladies. I haven’t pursued anything with any of them since that would be ethically questionable and would possibly get me fired from a job I actually like. However, the semester is coming to a close, and after it’s over they’re fair game. Some of them are definitely flirty and would probably be down, but I can’t tell the difference between authentic flirting and flirting just to get a good grade. Any advice on how to make the transition from helpful TA to T&A?
-AB

Tell them “If you blow me, I’ll give you an A.” If you get a blowjob, score! If they get mad and leave, then they were authentically flirting with you and you shouldn’t have said that. You fucking creep.

Anyway, you can hang out at undergrad bars and hope to run into them, but as we say in the Marines: “Hope is not a course of action.” I’m sure there will be a thousand suggestions in the comments for how you should best handle this, but I think a non-creepy way of going about things is to friend request people on Facebook. And send a message with it saying something like, “Hey, hope you don’t mind the friend request, but I didn’t want to lose touch with you.” Hmmm, actually, that sounds mildly creepy. Well, at the very least, don’t send the request at 2 a.m.