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When we last left Peter King he was extolling the virtues of The Blind Bean, and now he’s back to throw a bunch of crap at the wall. Not because he wants to, mind you. No, the life of SI’s second most prolific mock drafter is not an easy one, but somebody has to do it.

Well actually that’s not true. As a matter of fact the whole thing is an exercise in futility. And nobody knows that better than our other friend, Bill Simmons. The Sports Guy finally broke down and officially relinquished his title as the only sportswriter/blogger to never write a mock draft. HE IS AS UNIQUE AS A SNOWFLAKE, NO ONE DENIES THIS!

But let’s set that little bit of nonsense aside and return our focus to Mr. King…

One of the reasons Gil Brandt, the godfather of the NFL Draft, thinks this one will have more “I’m shocked” moments is because of the pre-draft smokescreens by the teams picking high this year. Washington GM Bruce Allen and coach Mike Shanahan have always been pros at disguising their draft intentions.

Actually, when the Redskins are involved it’s called a smoke signal.

Scott Pioli, in his second draft in Kansas City, has his front office locked down.

Meanwhile in Seattle, Pete Carroll is pretending to leak information about his team’s draft plans by linking to the music video for Kanye West’s “Love Lockdown” on Bing.

The Seahawks, Bills and Jags have muzzles on too.

They wouldn’t stop nipping at the heels of other teams.

Allen and Mike Shanahan have said they might take a quarterback at number four.

They also told Peter that his pants make his ass look like a heart.

Well, they might.

And Ben Roethlisberger might show up and smack Roger Goodell across the face with his cock, leaving an ashy trail in its wake. I’m not saying it WILL happen, but it MIGHT happen, so it’s worth mentioning.

1. St. Louis
Sam Bradford, QB, Oklahoma

Rams need a face of the franchise — and an accurate deep arm. Bradford’s both.

Maybe he’s born with it. Maybe it’s Maybelline. Maybe his arm won’t fall off.

4. Washington
Trent Williams, T, Oklahoma

Got a sick feeling Shanahan wants to deal down, pick a QB. Crazy, but that’s him.

Can you be more specific? A sick feeling can mean anything. Is it like the time you ate that thing you thought was a fig or is it like the time you scraped off the mold before finishing the sweet cream cheese hidden underneath?

5. Kansas City
Bryan Bulaga, T, Iowa

Sinking on most boards, but GM Pioli sees meat-and-potatoes left tackle for a decade.

Meat and potatoes is to offensive linemen as deceptive speed is to wide receivers. The first analyst to use the phrase “lunch pail” after Bulaga comes off the board wins the draft.

7. Cleveland
Eric Berry, S, Tennessee

But if Williams or Okung’s around, this will be a very tough call for GM Tom Heckert.

The fuck it will.

11.* Giants (from Den.)
Rolando McClain, LB, Alabama

TRADE: G-men desperate to get long-term middle linebacker. Figure they can’t wait until 15th pick.

Good speculative trade. Lofty speculative trade.

I actually like this pick quite a bit. I have McClain listed at number four on my big board. That’s a lie. I don’t even have a big board. I’m a total fraud.

13. San Francisco
Joe Haden, CB, Florida

Lucky Niner night, getting the best corner in the draft in the middle of the first round.

The Lucky Niner is also the name of the strip club where Peter cut his teeth as a young dancer under the pseudonym Lance Desire.

I don’t really understand what’s lucky about this pick. Yes, they’d get the best corner in the draft, but it’s not as if Haden is a projected top five pick who is going to slide into their lap like Lance with a crisp 20 in his man thong.

14. Seattle
Jimmy Clausen, QB, Notre Dame

It doesn’t fit after Charlie Whitehurst deal, but ‘Hawks think he’s a top-5 player in draft.

What doesn’t fit? Whitehurst and Hasselbeck are expected to compete for the starting job, which leaves Clausen as the third stringer. Sounds like a perfect fit to me. Unless the team is trying to improve, of course.

15.* Denver
Brandon Graham, OLB, Michigan

Broncos would be happy with Kyle Wilson, Dez Bryant or Maurkice Pouncey here.

Translation: No. Fucking. Clue. Hey, they could take an outside linebacker, but they could just as easily take a cornerback, a wide receiver, a center, or a point guard.

18. Pittsburgh
Maurkice Pouncey, C, Florida

The Pouncey fan club is growing. Six mid-first-round teams could take him by early 20s.

No rush, there’s another one coming out in next year’s draft.

22. New England
Dez Bryant, WR, Oklahoma State

“Coach Belichick? Dez Bryant’s babysitter on line two.” I don’t care. I love the pick.

Bryant’s babysitter? The man has a name, Peter. And that name is Deion Sanders.

23. Green Bay
Sergio Kindle, OLB, Texas

Bookend for Clay Matthews had 34.5 tackles for loss his last two years at Texas.

The iPad may be flashier, but remember, after a while that backlit screen can take a toll on your eyes. RESPECT THE LIGHT EMITTING DIODES BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE.

24.^ Miami
Ryan Mathews, RB, Fresno State

I know Dolphins love Mathews and would settle for him … but like others here too.

They love him enough to settle for him… MAYBE.

25. Baltimore
DeMaryius Thomas, WR, Georgia Tech

Anquan Boldin. Donte’ Stallworth. Thomas. Talk about rebuilding the weakest point of a playoff team.

Mel Kiper, Don Banks, and Charles Davis agree with King. Talk about being in good company.

27. Dallas
Taylor Mays, S, USC

I say they rue the day they don’t take tackle of the future, but Dallas likes speedy safety.

Everyone knows that the tackle of the future is still under development at the Tyrell Corporation. One day the Voight-Kampff test will be given alongside the Wonderlic the NFL Combine, and that will be a day worth ruing.

28. San Diego
Jared Odrick, DT, Penn State

Ideal draft for Chargers is Dan Williams in first, Stanford RB Toby Gerhart down the line.

Waaaay down the line.

29. New York Jets
Jahvid Best, RB, Cal

This pick makes no sense — unless you think Leon Washington and LaDainian Tomlinson are short-timers.

Or unless you think Shonn Greene is dying of cancer.

30. Minnesota
Tim Tebow, QB, Florida

A hunch. Nothing more. Brett Favre lasts another year (two at the outside) while Tebow grows.

But exactly how will Tebow grow? Could he grow wings and literally fly into the endzone while defenders are left to gawk at his resplendent plumage?

Let’s call it a hunch. Nothing more.