Sorry pal, that’s verboten too.
Today NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell informed Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger that he has been suspended for six games for violating the law being a big jerk. Reportedly the suspension may be reduced to four games, provided Roethlisberger meets certain league-mandated conditions. KSK consulted its inside sources and came up with what is believed to be a comprehensive list of the prerequisites for Big Ben’s reinstatement:
Ixnay on the Aperay
From now on, DTF stands for “Don’t Touch, Fella”
Only round of shots he’s permitted to buy are feline distemper shots at the Milledgeville Humane Society
Must release the ball within 2.5 seconds of snap (Mike Tomlin’s insisted this one be included)
No alcohol consumption (except during 2-for-1 happy hour at Bennigan’s, the one place that even Goodell’s jurisdiction cannot reach)
Must show Goodell and DeMaurice Smith his gray dick and has to ignore subsequent giggles
Must attend counseling
Mustn’t sexually assault his counselor
No wearing graphic t-shirts in public, they send a slightly demonic and douchey message
Must perform 300 hours of community service (“community service” = washing Roger Goodell’s Lincoln Town Car)
Must pretend to be enthusiastic when his fat ass gets traded to Oakland
![[avatar]](http://p.uproxxcdn.com/global/images/default-avatar.jpg){kind=avatar}
![[image]](http://cdn.ksk.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2012/02/haleyfyou-150x150.gif)
![[image]](http://cdn.ksk.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2011/11/canbeat-150x150.jpg)
Watch out Denver! McD was interviewed the other day and openly drooled over Tebow, a stone cold man crush if I’ve ever seen one. I think he was giving himself a little pocket rub everytime he said “Timmy”.
Don’t be surprised if the little dictator uses that 1st round 11th pick to grab the life sized version of that boy in the poster above his bed. Talk about a complete wet dream, this is the pick from the Cutler trade to Chicago. You know he wants to do it.
You guys deal the old format to Uproxx for a 2nd rounder and Ricky Williams?
Is there a live blog of the first round of the draft? Sorry to threadjack.
Now is it the Sports Zone or the Sports Emporium? Or the Spotz Sone?
Ohhhh no. This is no good. This is not what I am used to. I am used to one thing, and this is different from that. This can’t be good because I am familiar with a different thing, and this thing is not that thing, though it is quite similar.
/one sarcastic one before they start coming for real
WHOA NEW LAYOUT
Holy fuck, KSK got UPROXXIFIED.
You thought these comments were moderated. Hoo boy that’s a good one
Hello, I apologize for contacting you in this fashion, but I think you might be interested in submitting your site to my new sports directory…at thesportszone.org
I’m assuming comments are moderated so when I click submit this post won’t automatically appear on site, if it does, I again apologize.
Ben’s rockin’ mullet might rival that of jared allen’s…
The Aperay turns any normal sports fan into a whiny homer. It’s currently in development.
/I keed, Mr. Ape
//Also a sad Steeler fan
“hey kids remember if you rape you can’t go to work for 4-6 weeks!”
WTF? I’m no fan of this ass-clown, but seems over the top. No one should have to go to Oakland.
P.S. The Steelers should donate Bennie’s salary to a worthy cause. My 501(c)(3) will be up and running by tomorrow, Friday latest.
Trade that dumb drunk rapist to Oakland. That’ll teach him!
/Long suffering, JaFatback-hating Raiders fan
funny how the girl in the Gray Dick story is a “decent person” who is “not prone to exaggeration,” but the bitch is obviously not above theft.
i call shenanigans.
@FavreFail: You fail to remember that no one gives a fuck what the West Coast thinks.
You mean Shenanigan’s?
And no doesn’t always mean no. TEN no’s means no.
Maybe.
i don’t click through to deadspin links
Assuming Capt. No Means Deeper, remains in Pitt and only misses the first four games of the season, what round would you look to pick him in a fantasy draft. We have 12 teams / 16 roster slots + 1 IR player.
Note to self: Do not walk near Radio City Music Hall on your way home tomorrow. Drunken Jets and Giants fans will be all over 6th Avenue and I can’t mingle with that riff-raff.
/East Coast bias…CATCH IT!
Hmm, so, if Big Ben leads the Steelers or his new team towards the playoffs, does that mean if a woman files charges against him, he’ll be banned to play in the game? Or he’ll get banned in the following games?
Why the fuck can’t I get to http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2010/04/big-ben-suspended-ordered-to-have-headspot-examined.html? All I get is a blank page. I’ve tried 3 fucking browsers, and all of the give the same blank Roethlisberger look.
Remember when Big Ben was that unknown pick from Miami of Ohio? Yea, me neither. I can only remember one of the dumbest QB’s not to fail in the NFL.
@Slash: Then they’ll need to hire someone to read it to him.
I’m gonna love hearing about the NFL draft at 4:30 on a workday. Could potentially be a drama-filled first round and I’ll get to enjoy it at my office. I’d love to meet the genius at NFL HQ who thought no one on the West Coast would possibly want to watch the fucking first round in the comfort of their home. No, no let’s have it at 7:30 so all the fuckers out East can enjoy it in prime time.
Didn’t the Ben get that “stuff NFL rookies shouldn’t do” orientation? Supposedly, it’s very effective in cutting down on…
OK, never mind…
They need to forget about the suspension and mandate that he get a tattoo on one hand (upper side, not palm): NO MEANS NO. And on the other hand: EVEN WHEN SHE’S DRUNK.
Hmm. So baseless allegations can lead to suspensions?
I HAVE A SWORN AFFADAVIT FROM CLARABELLE COW THAT AARON RODGERS IS A COWFUCKER AND FAVRE LIKES TO WATCH.
/Ben drinks like a champion but rapes like a rookie
Looks like the only thing Ben will be raping is his non-throwing hand.
Was Rape Ben trying to copy the look of Marky Mark (Mark Wahlberg circa 1994)?
Does anyone think that may the case is simply that Ben, like Bono, is just one large crap? Maybe Ben is dogshit and he ages in a cockcentric manner.
(except during 2-for-1 happy hour at Bennigan’s, the one place that even Goodell’s jurisdiction cannot reach)
It’s like an embassy for alcoholics.
Big Ben’s plans during his suspension:
1) study game tape of Shawne Merriman’s Rape Tackle
2) practice Rape Tackle
That is all.
So this is 4 games unless he rapes again, which would likely make it more than 6 anyway.
If they trade him to Oakland, I would hope they get more than one first-rounder. The idea that Ben is worth less than Richard Seymour is unsettling.
@ Steel Kitty – Sure, I’ll sign the petition. I just hope Ben doesn’t whip out the gray man at his counseling session. That would put Ape in the nervous hospital.
Six games is a little rough. I have no love for the Steelers or Roethlisberger, but Jesus.
In other news: LET THESE WORDS RESOUND… FROM VALLEY TO VALLEY!
http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2010/04/better-know-a-draft-pick-myron-rolle.html#comment-198002
Additional prerequisite:
Ben must yank it twice a day to make the rapey feelings go away,
During the season no yanky OK.
God I hope he goes to Oakland just so I can use the line “Raiders QB: half the fat, double the rape”
So if Ben behaves well he can move on to washing the Beemer?
Was Big Ben on double secret probation or something? ROAD TRIP!
Soloflex:
Axe DOES make a chocolate-scented body spray. I doubt it would take too much tweaking to make it smell like a Choco Taco.
At least his grey dick will fit in with the Raiders.
In other news, Axe body spray just found a new spokesperson.
Note: it may be spelled “A’Pray.”
Six games for allegations made by an underage drunk?
This one time, I was surround by fat humps eating shrimp cocktails this real big fella with a gigantic forehead bought me shooters and tried to touch my special purpose.
The way things are going, “Aperay” will be an NFL lineman’s given name sometime around 2027.
“Aperay Jones crushes Jet Moynahan for the sack, and the Patriots will have to punt.”
It’s clear Ben DOES NOT drink like a champion.
And he could always go to Fuddruckers if he wants to avoid the Ginger Hammer’s future wrath.
They wanna trade Ben to Oakland so he’ll know how it feels to be raped.
/Wait, so does this make Ben black?
Dare I say was he suspended for a dickable offense?
I thought this post was about the fat rapist? What’s that guy in the picture have to do with anything?
/rape, eat, repeat = championships, apparently
What about apres aperay?
Maybe someone can hack Call of Duty to include rapable enemy soldiers. PEW PEW PENIS IN YEW!
@LaFarve: will you sign my petition?
Dear Mr. Goodell:
We demand a provision to monitor Mr. Roethlisberger’s personal grooming habits. First, we can avoid the embarrassment of a franchise quarterback looking like the love child of Mickey Rourke and Nicholas Cage during professional appearances; and, second, it will decrease the likelihood he will spread pubic lice if and when he publicly exposes himself (i.e., his “gray dick”) in future.
Please, think of the underaged girls and understaffed clinics.
There are Bennigans still open somewhere?
Sources close to Roethlisberger tell us that the quarterback is very much looking forward to the Number Six Game.
/Yeah, I know, a little late.
Must look up the word “Consensual” in the dictionary.
My source tells me they also added a clause about no trailer trash hairdos.
“Ixnay on the Aperay”
Someone better spell this one out for him. He may confuse it with “aperape”, and continue on raping coeds.
Oh no! Ben got suspended! Looks like the NFL is out to get the Stillers, not the Knife Team.
Must admit he never crossed the goal line in the Super Bowl – Seahawks fans
That last stipulation is just too much. Ben doesn’t deserve that.