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Adam Jones: Most esteemed Coach Schwartz,

The opportunity to play football means more to me than anything else in life. Not always did I realize this. To those blessed with a high degree of talent, success can come so easily that it is taken for granted that the opportunity will even be there for these people to thrive. They lack the perspective that comes with struggle. I was obviously one of these people.

I know my transgressions are as numerous as they are notorious. To even consider allowing me another chance to play in the NFL is not a decision to be made lightly. But I am still able to contribute to a football team at a high level, without the concern that I will derail the team and own career with off-the-field misbehavior. As the good book says, when you a man grows up he must put away childish things. Growing up took me longer than it should have, but I have at last reached the point in my life when I have put the nonsense behind me.

I’m partied out. I’m ready to be the rock for your team and have football be the foundation of my life. Believe me, I’ll take the most incentive-laden deal you can give me. You hear the slightest bit of controversy out of me, I’ll leave and never come back. Together, I know I can help the Lions take that next step toward the postseason. And who knows, maybe even more.

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Jim Schwartz: Uh-huh.

You wanna take a look at this for me?

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Pacman: Pacman ain’t reform. Not unless Pacman got on dat form one times already. Somethin like dat? Sheeeeit. I bounce da bitch maybe six mo times befo’ I tell my boy to lose her on the drive home. Pacman make da pussy go OH for 16, nahmsayin? SHIT B BACK O YEAH SHIT B BACK. Pacman gon shine. Shine it up and make it pop. Pop and dont stop. Hot. O N HE GONE DRANK. DID PACMAN TELL HE NOT GONE DRANK? BOOSHIT. Pacman lie through he muhfucking dickhole it mean he gets back to dat pussy palace dat be duh NFL. U tellz me, coach man, I heard you beating off to Best, I have you beatin off with da Best. CHUH CHUH.

Schwartz: Hmm.

Yeah, that’s a pass.