Fun With NFL Mixology
04.30.10
Yesterday I received a chat message from the great Spencer Hall, who wanted to share with me a magical cocktail of his own creation. He it calls it The Jamarcus Hustle.
Take a 32 oz Big Gulp cup, fill with crushed ice, and add the following:
• 5 parts vodka
• 3 parts banana liqueur
• Top with whole heavy cream
• Garnish with entire Cinnabon on rim of cup.Cost: $34 million a glass
It’s both delicious and practical. This got us thinking about other NFL inspired cocktails which you can find after the jump.
Shawne Merriman’s Tequila Sunrise
• 2/3 oz. Schnapps, peach
• 1 1/3 oz. Vodka
• 1 1/3 oz. Cranberry Juice
• 1 1/3 oz. Orange Juice
• 100 mg GHB
Combine ingredients in a cocktail shaker with ice. Serve and block doorway to nearest exit.
Jimmy Clausen’s Jimmy Juice
Fill a collins halfway with ice then add…
• 4 oz. Jägermeister
• 4 oz. Red Bull
• Mist of Axe Body Spray
Spike hair, pop collar, then consume and repeat.
Tony Gonzalez’s Macrobiotic Liquid Diet
• 4 oz. Trader Joe’s Green Plant Juice
• Splash of Green Tea
• 2 oz. organic vodka
• 2 oz. unfiltered Amazon rain water
Serve in lettuce wrap glass
Eli Manning – Mother’s Milk
• 1 oz. Butterscotch Schnapps
• 1 oz. Goldschlager
• 1 oz. Olivia Manning’s Breast Milk
Shake all ingredients with ice and strain into a sippy cup.
Peyton Manhattan
• 3/4 oz sweet vermouth
• 2 1/2 oz bourbon whiskey
• 1 dash Angostura® bitters
• 1 maraschino cherry
• 1 twist orange peel
Mix ingredients expertly. Choke on final sip.
Kurt Warner’s Salvation
• 2 oz communion wine
• 1 oz holy water
Stir. Say prayer and give drink to thirsty person.
Rex Ryan’s Slimonade
• 2 oz clarified butter
• 1 tablespoon of crumbs from the bottom of a bucket of chicken
• 4 oz gin
• 8 oz of lemonade
Mix all ingredients and serve in a pint glass.
Add your own in the comment section if you’re so inclined.
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the matt hasselbeck
get 32 oz gatorade bottle and shake the following contents :
16 oz grape gatorade
2 shots vodka
1 shot whiskey
1 tablespoon of lean
10 applicants of rogaine
fill with ice, shake contents. served chilled and on the bench. wrap in rib protector.
The Bernie Kosar
1 oz sloe gin
4 oz even sloer gin
2 oz pure panic
Shake, give away all your money, file bankruptcy.
The Limas Sweed
Contents of the glass do not matter. Drop it as soon as the bartender hands it to you.
The Drewtini features six parts vodka, one part applesauce, and just a splash of warm saliva.
/Men with Balls’d
The LaDainian Tomlinson 007 Martini
2oz Vodka
1oz Vermouth
shakeshakeshakeshakeshakeshakeshakeshakeshakeshakeshakeshakeshakeshakeshakeshake
DO NOT
stirstirstirstirstirstirstirstirstirstirstirstirstirstirstirstirstirstirstirstirstirstir
Rain Man
1 crunk chalice
1 part vodka
1 part sprite
1 part promethazine
2 jolly ranchers
1 bottle cristal
$5000 in $2 bills
Mix vodka sprite promethazine and jolly ranchers in chalice. (That’s sizzurp Bitch!)
Drink sizzurp, pour cristal all over strippers tits.
Throw 2 dollar bills at strippers and tell them there’s 1 for each but cheek and to start making em clap.
Keep drinking sizzurp until black out drunk. Crime will ensue, police will follow, finally suspension, then Canada, then wrestling, then Dallas, flirt with the idea any team may want you back and eventually you will fall off the face of the earth.
Enjoy! (chuh chuh)
WHO DAT! cab (Sean Payton’s vintage)
1 caymus special selection cabernet sauvignon available at bar/restaurant you are at
Drink entire bottle
Leave empty bottle for Jerry Jones to find with note and instructions for waiter
Tell Peter King all about it so he can write about it Monday morning
The Big Ben
2 oz. Swiss Vodka
1 oz. Triple Sec
2 Motrin tablets
1 oz. Skin Moisturizer
1 oz muddled New Yorker windshield
4 oz Lake Tahoe water
Stir wish ashy penis and serve in the navel of a college sophomore. Garnish with beef jerky. Serves 4-6.
The Bradshaw:
2 parts moonshine
1 part cousin’s tit milk
stir
drink til illiterate
The Kordell Kosmo:
1 oz vodka
1/2 oz triple sec
1/2 oz lime juice
1/2 oz cranberry juice
Shake vodka, triple sec, lime and cranberry juice vigorously in a shaker with ice while denying to teammates that you’re gay. Strain into a martini glass, garnish with a lime wedge on the rim, and serve while explaining, in graphic detail, how much you like vagina to a roomful of disbelieving teammates.
The Roy WIlliams
Pay $40 for a Natty Light
Serve Hot.
The Rex Grossman (the cumshot):
Pour 1oz RedBull, 1oz cum into a shot glass
Place on windowsill to AIR THAT SHIT OUT
Repeat as desired.
The Todd Haley:
“I’ll have a Tom Collins. You don’t think you have what’s in a Tom Collins? Great, a bud light then, nice party fuckwit.”
And also, the Ricky Williams
1 kilo of hash
Smoke hash repeatedly until passed out. Serve suspension. Go to india. Return enlightened.
finish hash
How has nobody gone here yet….
The Vick
1 oz Dog blood
1 oz Prison Water
One inaccurately thrown pass
1000 rushing yards
Take all ingredients, and mash together vigorously into a glass.
Proceed to electrocute the glass to spice up the ingredients.
The No Sexy Friday:
1 oz tears…
I’ve been a KSK reader for 2+ years and this is the hardest I have laughed since the Jimmy McNulty guest Super Bowl pick. Bra-vo.
The Herm Edwards:
Muddle fresh mint and playcall card in highball glass
4 oz orange gatorade
1oz 151
Light 151. YOU TAKE THE SHOT TO DRINK IT.
The Plaxico
1 pt Dark Rum
2 pts Cola
Serve in a very tall glass. Garnish with bullet. Spill all over your leg.
Ben Roethlisberger Cocktail
8 oz. Water
2 Tablets of Rohypnol
The Murderer’s Mudslide:
100% OJ.
Best comments section in ages. Top shelf comedy. Lofty comedy. Lofty cocktails. Monkey Business ruining it for the rest of us in Indiana. You fat fuckin’ hump.
The Gruden:
One shot of THIS STUFF RIGHT HERE:
I call it CHILLY HOT LIQUID, because even when it’s ice cold, it warms you right up.
Two dashes of I LOVE THIS ONE FOR TWO REASONS.
Fill a glass with FROZEN WATER SHAPES.
Give it to THIS GUY right over here. I call him SHAKY ’cause he really shakes things up.
And MAN that is GOOD STUFF.
Monkey Business – what in the hell are you talking about?
The Bill Polian:
1/2 pint Guinness
2 oz. Jameson Irish Whiskey
1 oz Jaegermeister
Spill drink three times in a row, choke on each sip, then when everyone stops paying attention, finish drink and enjoy the hell out of it. Then drop it again.
The Brett Favre:
1 part piss
1 part vinegar
The Matt Forte
Ingredients:
- One bottle of beer
- One tube of KY
- One fantasy owner who drafted him in the 1st round
Directions:
1. Drink beer
2. Screw fantasy owner
3. Disregard KY
The Josh McDaniels:
Take ingredients for mediocre/pretty good cocktail
Trade away ingredients
Throw less appetising ingredients together (the drink will not be much in the way of presentation)
Have the first sips taste ok
The second half of the drink will taste disgusting
**Warning leaves bitter after taste**
Repeat until asked to leave the bar
Hines Wald Tlue Lacist Fun Punch
3 oz Jinro Soju
4 oz Glape Soda
The T.O.
Go to the bar with anyone crazy enough to pay your cab fare.
Order a drink that costs $x.75
When the bartender looks at you incredulously as you hold out your hand for change, put on sunglasses and cry about “your quarter back”.
The Sean Payton:
1 bottle New Orleans Cajun Spice Rum
1 glass warm milk
Soak enormous brass balls in rum. Insert into Jim Caldwell’s mouth.
Drink milk. Drool on Lombardi trophy.
The Brady Quinn:
1 Gallon Semen
Directions: Drink
The Joe Namath
1 bottle of whatever liquor is handy;
1 popular and attractive MNF broadcaster.
Directions: provide inspiration for popular football blog.
The Pat/Kevin Williams
-8 oz bacon fat
-3 injections of HGH
-1 shot of s’mores schnapps
-Top with whipped cream and enjoy!
By consuming this beverage one can get out of a 4-game suspension for using diuretics.
The Shaun Taylor
-Assemble 10-12 ingredients that have the potential to make a great drink.
-Mix 3 and a half of those ingredients with great skill and persission.
-Die tragically after being shot in your home
-Wait 3 years
-Have Peter King call your drink a bust
The Ryan Leaf
Mix whatever you want into it, it’ll still suck. And it’ll make you throw up even if you don’t drink it.
The @AaronRodgers12
1 part Necrinomicon
2 parts Hot Topic eyeliner
1/2 Bratwurst
garnish with 50 sacks of sugar
Let ingredients sit for 23 picks, mix in old BrettFavre glass, age 3 years, then drink durinf Fantasy Football draft.
*season
The Matt Hasselbeck
1 cup of Seattle’s Best Coffee
1 oz of Baileys
1 oz of Kahlua
Drink 4, then fall down and be out for the rest of the reason
The Ray Lewis SB XXXIV afterparty drink
1 bottle of Cris in left hand
1 bottle of Henny VSOP in right hand
drink half of both and then pour half of both on floor while making sure eveyone is looking at you. When you are finished and everybody stops looking your way… Have your ghetto boy shank two guys. Develop amnesia, lawyer up, and then go on to win a Superbowl and play in several ProBowls.
The Travis Henry
1 bottle of 151
Drink entire contents of bottle. Impregnate nearest woman.
The Gobble Neck
1 bottle of Jones Turkey and Gravy Soda
2 oz Dry Gin
Drink until running Tiny Darren up the middle on 3rd and 2 seems like a good idea.
The Vince Young
6 OZ. Patron
6 Sausages
drink the Patron
take off your shirt
mix with the sausages
The Greg / Bryant Gumbel
One Pint of Guiness
Drink. Tell everyone that its black.
The “Sexy Friday”
Go to an open bar, and order a Sex on the Beach. Complain when your free drink isn’t served fast enough. Bartender gets mad and kicks everyone out, then the other patrons force you to eat dogshit. Come back next week and do the exact same fucking thing.
Calvin Johnson’s Masterpiece
1 part Charles Heidsieck Vintage 2001 champagne
1 part Remy Martin Louis XIII cognac
3 drops angostura bitters
Mix expertly and pour over chilled diamonds
Serve in worst bar in America
The Mark Chmura:
6 pack of Zima
1 17 year old babysitter
Mix till you get desired results.
Walter Jones Haterade:
Drink 23 shots of Southern Comfort (Walt’s from Alabama) within 13 minutes, then pass out and get Jones to push you and your car back home.
Once you awake from your drunken stupor realize you don’t know shit about football, and review video of Walter Jones blocking. Here is a good one to check out:
http://www.seahawks.com/media-lounge/videos/A-Tribute-to-Walter-Jones/ba4ae7b7-6074-4801-af35-4ddebabccb5f
Tomzda
Any drink called the Flozell Adams should require the drinker to flinch first, then move back five yards before drinking.
The Tom Brady
Take Smirnoff and pour into Grey Goose bottle
Mix with Cranberry Juice
Listen to everyone tell you how it’s the best drink they’ve ever had
Choke on the last sip of drink
Roger Goodell’s Bloody Mary
6 parts blood from an infant
3 parts Vodka
Fine bartender $15,000 for “excessive celebration” if he garnishes with pickle instead of celery stalk.
The Fat Albert Haynesworth
-1 gallon whole milk
-1 bottle Hennessey
Pour Milk over ice in a sterling silver shaker, covered in unicorn leather (gift from lil Danny)
Take a hit of oxygen – this next part is painful
Pour in Henny.
Complain to Snyder after the drink order is changed. You ain’t gettin paid enough for this shit!
Walk to bench. Take another hit of oxygen.
The Falco
Make a drink, any kind of drink. Put it in the fridge.
Come back two years later and drink it.
The Shaun Rogers
-1 Louis Vutton monogram glass
-Load it up with a round or 2 of your favorite shots
-Bring it to be consumed in a place with signs EVERYWHERE explaining that no outside drink is allowed.
-Laywer up as fast as you can.
The Tommy From Quinzee (Ow-ah drinks are bettah than yours, you FACKS) Special
1 pint of samual-ah adams
1 tsp of green dye
(Pour into glass)
(Crank POD Album)
(Key random person’s car)
(Supports immigration laws, wishes dahkies could get kicked out too)
(Flexes bicep while wearing Larry Bird jersey and shows off shamrock tattoo)
(Wear beanie, then a cap, flip cap backwards)
Enjoy!
The Wade
12 Cupcakes
15 Twinkies
20 HoHos
24 Suzy Qs
1 Case of Diet Coke
1 Bottle of Vodka
***Ask Jason Garrett if you are doing it right. Ask Jerry’s permission to proceed. Consume all the snacks in less than a minute. Wash it all down with the 24 Diet Cokes. Chug the Vodka to deal with the fact that you’re a Fat Ass!
The Tracy Porter
Drink whatever Peyton’s serving up.
Belichick’s Brew
Take label off of Avery Maharaja
Replace it with your own label
Win several beer competitions
The Mark Chumura
12 Bacardi Silvers
Serve in hot tub
The Keyshawn
4 oz. top shelf overpriced vodka
2 oz. lemon juice
splash of pool water from a tight, dripping wet USC Song Girl sweater at a charity event
1 cup of whine
Mix everything with a flashlight. Switch 4 times into different cups, while boldly proclaiming it’s the best drink around even though it tastes worse than a Long Island iced tea made from free reagents.
Donovan McNasty
5 long island iced teas
1 ride on a tilt-a-whirl
Serve in Midnight Blue slushee cup from Wawa.
The LenWhale
3oz. Patrón Añejo
1oz. Fresh Rocky Mountain Water
A dash of smashed hops
Mix with bacon grease, slowly stir and chug until finished. Run into a group of people for a 3.5 yard gain. Take of Brossiere and toss on floor.
Plax’s Pruno
Ten oranges
An eight ounce can of fruit cocktail
Forty to sixty sugarcubes
Sixteen ounces of water
Place smashed ingredients in a plastic bag, wrap in a warm towel. Sob for 48 hours then drink it all down.
amaBRETTo sour
- 1 1/2 oz amaretto
- 2 splashes sweet and sour mix
- 2 oz metamucil
- 2 oz southern comfort
shake and serve in a pint glass… no serve in a martini glass… no a pint glass
then chase with a milwaukee’s best
Vince Young’s Crunk Juice
2 oz Southern Comfort
1 oz Freshly Cried Tears
1 oz Lemon flavored Jungle Juice
**Shake with ice, pour into Hurricane glass, then take off shirt. (Can only be served in former college town)
***WARNING*** After drinking one will never be a running threat again, and could possibly also lead to embarrassingly low Wonderlic scores.
The Bill Belichick (shot)
2 oz. Bacardi 151
Pour rum through the vagina of middle-aged housewife into shot glass and serve
Tebow Punch
Ingredients:
One gallon water
Instructions:
1. Lay hands upon water
2. Serve wine
The Brett Favre
Announce your going to make a drink, then take it back.
Think about it, say you might do it.
Then at the last minute make the Mississippi Waffler:
1 part premium bourbon
1 part freshly cut grass
1 12 oz Beer
Serve in a golden chalice and add two painkillers before consumption.
/Peter King immediately has to check himself into rehab
The Flozell Adams:
2 oz Vodka
2 oz OJ
2 oz Bacon Fat
Mix, Shake vigorously, Give to the guy next you and knock him down while he is drinking it
The Mike Florio
Whatever Adam Schefter and Jay Glazer are drinking, uncredited
The Josh McDaniels
Vinegar and water
The Al Davis
1 oz aged anything really
1 first round draft pick
1 bottle Dr. Miracle’s healthy tonic
1 fresh brain
Mix aged alcohol with tonic. Pour over brain and gnaw.
First round pick is just a coaster. Give away when done.
+1 to gindian. That sir, was a delight.
Fred Smoot’s “Sloe on the Uptake Jizzin Gin Fizz”
6 oz Sloe Gin
27 oz Cristal
1 oz grain alcohol
10 years unrealized potential
1 double-ended purple dildo
1. Place all ingredients except grain alcohol into crunk-ass goblet. Talk excessive amounts of shit whilst doing so.
2. Mix thoroughly. Celebrate as if you caused QB to overthrow wide open receiver on fly route.
3. On next possession, add grain alcohol. Using a stop-and-go route, torch for 6 (seconds).
4. Take ingredients onto cruise ship captained by Dante Culpepper.
5. Pour on the models. Shut up bitch, swallow. If you can’t swallow, shut up bitch, gargle.
6. Draft Justin Tryon.
The Laveranues Coles:
1 part Ketel One
1 part Orange Juice
1 part Green Kool-Aid
Pour in highball glass, drop glass, let glass shatter on floor, glare at hands and Carson Palmer (in that order)
The Walter Payton
20 year old Pappy Van Winkle bourbon, chilled, and served straight up by Mike Ditka who slides it to the fat drunk guy at the end of the bar who pours it into a diet coke.
The Trader Mike
1. Trade or throw out all your current ingredients
2. Buy used/”vintage”/spoiled/high/behind-in-child-support ingredients
3. Mix together live on HBO
4. Pray it tastes good
Uh… there’s no tequila in Merrimen’s Tequila Sunrise. All the better really: it would only inhibit the absorption of the Roofies/Floories/Rapies