mailbag-nurse
Included in this mailbag: nothing at all having to do with nurses

One of my habits in writing the KSK sexbag, as I’m sure many of you have noticed, is a tendency to put down people who come off as somewhat douchey, clueless, whiny, or what have you. And you know what? That’s not fair. These people have taken the time to submit a question, and they deserve to be treated with at least the same level of politeness as I would give them if I were talking to them in person. So, to all those readers whom I’ve maligned in the mailbag over the last year or so: I’m sorry. I will try to be (a little) better about that, starting with this mailbag.

Speaking of, this mailbag is a bit shorter than the ones in weeks past — although not for a lack of questions. People, I’m dead serious about you doing SOME kind of self-editing before you submit a query. I’m sensitive to your problems, but I’m not going to publish a 700-word letter unless (a) it is accompanied with worthwhile pictures of your love interest, or (b) your ex-girlfriend who you got pregnant but miscarried seven years ago gets back in touch with you, and expectant father with your new wife, over Facebook and tells you that actually, she had your daughter and gave it up for adoption.

Anyway, given the dearth of acceptably brief emails this week, I’m going to close the mailbag with a question regarding neither sex nor football. It’s a one-time deal, so don’t see that as an invitation to ask us about anything and everything. Send those letters to Drew for Deadspin’s open mailbag. But first, your sex and football questions:

Football: I am a Rams fan. Is Bradford the answer to our prayers or should I fear this pick like my gut says I should?

Since the Rams are the only team in the NFC West I truly hate, I couldn’t be happier about all this Bradford talk. After the way Nebraska finished its season, I was certain that Ndamukong Suh would be the #1 draft pick, and that he’d spend the next decade or so wreaking havoc in the Seahawks’ backfield twice a year. Of course, Bradford might go on to be a terrific NFL quarterback. Or his tender shoulder could shatter into a thousand pieces the first time a defensive tackle falls on him. I don’t know. But I’m less terrified of Bradford than I am of Suh, and so for that I thank you, St. Louis Rams.

Sex: A couple of friends of my roommate from our college are coming into town this weekend. Long story short, the last time these girls came into town I ended up with one of them. Now I haven’t spoken to this girl since that night but I would love be guaranteed sex yet I don’t know how to go about this since I havent talked to her in almost 4 months. Thoughts?
Thanks,
Rams Fan

You have her number, right? Send her a text (or Facebook message) saying “Hey, have a safe trip — looking forward to seeing you.” It reestablishes contact in a polite and gentlemanly manner, and it’s just subtle enough to play off as friendliness if she’s not interested.

Fine Gentlemen of the Internet,
I have a sexytime question for you: There is this girl that hangs around with my group of friends quite a bit and normally parties at the house I live in. Thanks solely to her I am eskimo brothers with at least 5 close friends of mine. Also, she has banged 3 out of 4 of the people that live in my house, including me. This is fine, no one gets jealous because she is a sloppy drunken whore, and good to have around if you need a slump/nut busted.

Ah, young romance. Who says chivalry is dead?

One night my buddy and I thought it would be a good idea to try and Eiffel Tower her. You know, keep the dicks on the opposite ends of the girl and go to town; the not gay kind of MMF threesome. So we got drunk and shameless, as one should in this situation, and approached her with solid lines like, “Hey girl, how about some three way sex.”

Channing Tatum thinks that’s a pretty good line.

Unfortunately this well crafted plan didn’t work out and now she is really mad and sent me a mad/sad/funny text bitching about how we acted towards her.

Shocking.

A friend thinks we should apologize to her for acting like dicks. Should we? We did act like assholes, but she is a drunken whore, and as it is I feel like she brings things like that on herself. What is your take on this odd situation?

So maybe she’s a slut; does that justify you being an asshole? In case you think that’s a rhetorical question, the answer is no: it does not. If anything, sluts who you enjoy keeping around for your drunken desires should get BETTER treatment than, say, prissy bitches who don’t put out.

I won’t tell you to apologize to this girl, but I will say this: as someone with extensive experience being an asshole, it makes me feel a lot better when I apologize to someone for mistreating them, regardless of how much water has passed under the bridge. Owning up to bad behavior makes me feel like a decent human being — like a real man instead of some drunk punk.

Oh, and also: keep telling yourself that wanting a MMF threesome with your buddy isn’t gay.

As for the even finer sport of football: My Aaron Rodgers boner is growing harder and longer and more chode-like by the second. He was a great pick of mine the last two years, but is the secret now out? Where does he rate against all the other elite fantasy QBs?

Rodgers is terrific. Without mulling over stats (it’s the off-season and I’m feeling lazy), I might be inclined to put him as the #2 overall fantasy QB on my draft board (I’d never want Manning on my team, and Brady isn’t quite such a sexy option with Welker coming back from that knee injury).

Bonus question: after Jerome Harrison fucked me in FF during the middle of the season I started calling him Jerome Poopy. Simple yet effective, right? What do you think?
Thanks for the life advice,
The Leaning Tower of Penis

sarcastic-clap

It’s great. You’re very clever.

Hello,

I was recalling the last 2 weeks of entries, and 2 references to “no-teeth” required for blowjobs. Both times it brought to mind the girl who gave me the best blowjobs I ever got. Just absolutely amazing. I remember her telling me she learned how to do it from reading a book, and I thought I’d recommend one for the faithful followers at KSK: Oral Sex He’ll Never Forget. (am I the only one that wants the author to blow him? Sexy eyes!)

That is downright considerate of you to share. Thank you.

For football, I’m a die hard Steelers fan, and I can’t begin to tell you how mad Ben makes me. Santonio is not that big a deal, receivers are easier to find than franchise qb’s. I’m all for innocent until guilty, and I really, really hate Goodell meting out these punishments all the time, because he’s so biased and gay in doing it. I want to believe the Steelers are a class organization, and I really want them to suspend Ben for 8 games. Face it, he’s probably not going to get charged, but he’ll never curb his behavior if the team doesn’t smack him. I would rather it’d be the Rooney’s that suspend him, because he’s their player, and it’s a stronger message. Dixon sucks (I do not know what kinda crack sportswriters in Pittsburgh do that makes me think otherwise), but I’m sure Leftwich is cheap to trade for.

Erm…not much of a question in there. I’m not lame and going to root for another team, but I did trade Big Ben in madden, and drafted a guy named Gunn. Makes the off season happier!
-MP

I, too, would like to see Roethlisberger suspended for eight games, although that’s a product of my Steeler-hate more than my sense of justice or what’s “classy” for the Rooneys to do. And if you think that’s mean-spirited of me, stick around. Put a few drinks in me and I’ll say that I wish he’d've died when he crashed his motorcycle.

I doubt the Steelers will suspend Big Ben, but if they do, it wouldn’t be for more than four games. They’re not going to completely squander their playoff chances.

Dear Gang of Sex,
I recently moved to the same city as one of my ex-girlfriends from college, one who I wouldn’t mind getting back together with. She keeps asking me to meet up with her for drinks after work, but each time we meet it ends with a hug and a goodbye. She never wants to do anything on the weekend, or join up with me when I’m out with other friends. What the hell is going on with her? Normally, when an ex wants to be just friends it entails hanging out with other friends. Is she just really indecisive about whether she wants to start up a relationship, or is this a diabolical way to screw with me (not really her m.o.)? And if I want to get back together with her, should I be more upfront about that instead of trying (and probably failing) to play it cool and force her to make a move?

There are about 800 different ways to interpret this, and with women you never know, but here’s my guess: women like having options. She likes meeting up with you because you’re on the back burner, and she doesn’t want that pot of ex-boyfriend stew to get cold. Meanwhile, on the weekends (when she’s too busy for you), she’s meeting and dating other guys and in general exploring what she feels might be better options than dating you again. It’s possible that I’m getting a few details wrong, but don’t underestimate how much women LOVE being desired, even by guys they don’t want to date (of course, this applies to men as well, but we’re not quite so nefarious about it).

And as for football, Jason Campbell could still be a decent pro, right? It’s not his fault he played behind a sieve at the start of his career.
-Bobby

Absolutely! Why, one day he might be as good as Byron Leftwich! He could be downright adequate in certain scenarios!

And now, for that non-sex/football question:

Mornin Capt,

This letter has to do neither with sex nor football, except perhaps tangentially it would give the sex a real kick in the pants. The short and sweet version: I’m a 25 yr old college grad (in econ and politics) and for the past year, I’ve been in the application process for USAF Officer Training School. I went Air Force because my father-figure mentor is a retired AF colonel. Now I’d love to be an Airman, but their process will take another 12-18 months. My goal is to serve my country in a meaningful way, and as soon as possible, so I’m thinking of applying to OCS for the Army and Marines. What are your thoughts on the three branches, both objectively and subjectively?

I, too, grew up an Air Force brat, and considered AFROTC until they told me I had to major in science or engineering and offered $9000 in tuition a year starting my sophomore year. Meanwhile, the Naval ROTC scholarship (encompassing Navy and Marines) was a full ride and I could major in anything I wanted. AND I could get out after the first year and not have to pay back that year of tuition (this was actually my original plan).

Objectively speaking, the Air Force is the branch of service most like working for a regular corporation. With the exception of the cool-kid fraternity of fighter pilots (which is about a ten-year commitment these days), being in the Air Force is the closest you can get to civilian life while being in the military.

The Army is so massive that it’s hard to pigeonhole: Green Berets doing top secret drug interdiction in South America are in the same branch as an overweight career logistician killing time at a desk in the Pentagon. But that size allows you to get as much from it as you want. If you want to just wear the uniform and get by, you can do that pretty easily. If you want to go to Ranger School and say “Hoo-ah” and lead infantrymen, you can probably do that.

The Marine Corps — and I’m still speaking objectively here — does the best job of any service to push decision-making down the chain-of-command. Tactical decisions reserved for sergeants and captains in the Army are done by corporals and lieutenants in the Marines. If you’re thirsty for as much leadership and responsibility as soon as possible, the Marine Corps is probably the best route for you.

What made you pick the Corps?

I almost didn’t. The prospect of Officer Candidates School — boot camp for those taking the officer route — was terrifying to me because I was undersized and not a very good runner. But I kept picturing myself thirty years in the future and meeting some Marines in a bar, and I didn’t want to be the guy who says, “You know, I thought about joining the Marines when I was young.”

How was your experience as an officer?

Depending on the day or the hour, being a junior officer in the Marines is either humiliating, stressful, fun, or deeply rewarding.

Basically, give me any and all info that will help make an informed decision. Any vets in the commentary box, please speak up also. Thanks in advance!
-Dude in Texas.

“Any and all info” would be way more words than I care to write. I’ll give you a quick summary of how I feel about my experience:

I like to compare my life now with how it used to be. What’s my worst day as a blogger in New York? Oh, there wasn’t enough news to write about? My computer crashed? It’s raining, so I couldn’t ride my bike to the yoga studio with all the attractive half-naked girls? It’s a lark and I know it. Every day is good. Every week is good. And even when it’s stressful, no one’s yelling at me, and no one’s life hangs in the balance of my decisions.

On the other hand, of the four years and three months I spent in the Marine Corps, I’d say that at least three out of four days were bad. Definitively shitty days. Perhaps there was something badass or cool like firing weapons or getting one of my Marines approved for an award, but by and large there was always some larger headache that sapped the pleasure out of that, and there always will be if you do it, too: lack of sleep, 125-degree heat, some dickhead major lecturing you for something he fucked up, a Marine of yours that got a DUI over the weekend, filling out paperwork because you’ve got shitbirds that are overweight, loneliness stemming from living in the middle of fucking nowhere, the monthly armory inventory you have to conduct… I could go on and on, but I’m starting to feel like crap just remembering how much it sucked.

And yet none of that can take the shine off the pride you feel when you wear the Eagle, Globe, and Anchor. I wouldn’t trade being a Marine for anything in the world — I’m just glad the hard part’s over.