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Ben Roethlisberger will not be charged for the alleged rape that occurred in a Georgia bar last month. You’ll just have to wait until the next time Big Ben rapes for justice to be served. We’ve already heard enough canned analysis from pundits and indignation from everyone else. But what would the reaction be like if we lived in a country that revered its rapists? I think it might go a little something like this:

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“Ha! I knew Ben Roethlisberger couldn’t rape. He’s not a real rapist. He’s just a rape manager. Just because he got accused of rape doesn’t make him a rapist. I hate that argument. I mean, even Trent Dilfer got accused of rape once.”

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“Ben Roethlisberger only rapes because of his defense. You give me that defense, I could rape anyone. ANYONE. Ben is definitely not an elite rapist. He couldn’t even rape a college girl. OVERRATED RAPIST!”

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“Have you seen that guy? Eat another ribwich, fatty. And cut your stupid mullet. A rapist shouldn’t be so chunky. It’s an embarrassment to rape. I could never root for a guy who raped like that.”

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“ESPN totally overplays this story because it’s a white quarterback. When a black guy rapes, he has to practically kill for any attention. When the golden boy white quarterback is the one doing the raping, you never hear the end of it. Typical. Jason Campbell could rape five chicks tomorrow and you’d see a paragraph on it. Maybe not even that much. Or they’d try to subtly undermine him by saying he’s a ‘running rapist’. Just because he’s a better athlete doesn’t make him any lesser of a rapist. I’m so tired of this. The media has ruined rape for me.”