“Ben, jerky is a family food. Maybe date-rapers eat jerky; we don’t know.
Frankly, we don’t want to know. It’s a market we can do without.”
The makers of “Big Ben’s Beef Jerky” have ended their business relationship with beleaguered Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger. PLB Sports Inc., the Pittsburgh-based company that has produced “Flutie Flakes” among other athlete-related products, announced that they were terminating their contract with Roethlisberger. PLB president and Steelers fan Ty Ballou says that right now Big Ben is toxic as a pitchman:
“I can’t imagine anyone touching Ben Roethlisberger. Enough is enough. I hope there is a suspension. At some point in time, Ben has got to put himself in the right position and understand what it means to be a celebrity, a quarterback, a Steelers player.”
Ouch.
Other beef jerky purveyors shared their view of PLB’s decisions. “It’s a relief,” said dried beef mogul Jack Link, “Ben was really cutting into our market share. Out of sheer panic we were about to replace our ‘Messing with Sasquatch’ ad campaign to ‘Messing with Co-eds’. Looks like we don’t have to now. Whew!”
Big Chief Pemmican was even more direct, “Me just fictional racist corporate mascot contrived by palefaces at ConAgra. Yet me wouldn’t trade places with Big Ben for all buffalo on the plains of my fathers. Seriously, that dude is an asshole. Big time.”
Wow, being told you aren’t classy enough to hawk beef jerky to morons. That’s got to be a kick in the nuts. Maybe a more adventurous company will give Ben another chance. I don’t know, maybe something like…
[ ht ]
![[avatar]](http://p.uproxxcdn.com/global/images/default-avatar.jpg){kind=avatar}
![[image]](http://cdn.ksk.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2012/01/pbs-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.ksk.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2011/12/jesusfootballbig-150x150.jpg)
Sounds like Big Ben should just hire “personal assistants” like Stevan Segal.
What do Rape-O’s look like? Little penises and vaginas? Or rape kits?
I imagine Ben as a big dumb dog that goes around trying to hump everyone that isn’t fast enough to get out of the way.
Ben has no respect for women apparently.
He must really think they are all skanks …. skanks …. fuckin skanks.
Imagine if Ben started palling around with Sebastian Janikowski and discovered GHB? These pesky legal issues would take care of themselves.
Happily, Big Ben’s BBQ Sauce will remain in production.
Hooray for five flavors of Big Ben’s Special Sauce to slather upon your meat of choice!
So when do we get to see an entry where Ray Lewis and Ben discuss avoiding jail time?
We’ve gotten this far without something clever like “I bought some of that jerky and just forced that meat into my girlfriend’s mouth.”
I’m really disappointed.
Ben Roethlisberger led the NFL in quarterback raping last season, with a stellar 101.5. His raping is one of the best of all time.
The claim that was bunked, is that what the incident the attorney in Boston was talking about? So many allegations, I can’t keep up.
Also, as soon as I saw that cereal box, I imagined it chock-full of little oat genitalia. Ben’s cereal should rightly have marshmallows too. Shaped like co-eds.
Ben’s fine Kellogg needs help getting “Rape Flakes” to take off. Just the right amount of rufalin in each bite
“Yeah and I reckon I know where to sign on a sexual harassment settlement, thank you.”
/IT Crowd’ed
“It’s already been debunked.
http://profootballtalk.nbcsports.com/2010/04/13/lawyer-backs-off-on-allegations-of-other-roethlisberger-incidents/
/can’t believe anyone bought that booshit in the first place”
Best quote:
“”I was retained by a family. It went nowhere. I have no specifics. All I know is it involved an evening with Ben Roethlisberger, and I never got any of the details. I offered it [on the radio show] only because it was such a similar situation — a young woman at a nightclub asked, invited into a VIP area.”
An Evening with Ben Roethlisberger sounds like the worst prime time music event ever.
“
Had to love this comments to the PFT article though:
BillsFan27 says: April 13, 2010 5:21 PM
Damn, he backed off that quicker than Big Ben backs chicks into corners.
Best rape by a Bills fan since the Jim Kelly era.
GOB Bluth really regrets not connecting with the BEN about investing in his new coffee: Chock Full of Forget Me Nows.
/He made a huge mistake
Poor fucking Ben. High School prom season is like in May/June and the Steelers season starts September 10th. That’s a lot of time for the next DA to get DNA analysis done.
Poor fuck, better draft a quarterback.
It’s already been debunked.
http://profootballtalk.nbcsports.com/2010/04/13/lawyer-backs-off-on-allegations-of-other-roethlisberger-incidents/
/can’t believe anyone bought that booshit in the first place
Apparently there’s another girl in Nevada the Ben paid off to avoid charges?
Christ on a bicycle.
The sweetest plum….only in Pittsburgh – see you all on the Strip Saturday morning.
Big Ben Rapes….
….yeah, yeah, yeah!
It’s not consentual…..
….No, no, no!
Since Ben has been exonerated of this charge, he won’t be able to sponsor Rape Nuts. He’s probably more in line for Grope Nuts…
I can’t wait for Big Ben to get cut by the Steelers and shunned by the rest of the NFL, leading to his trying to live out his dream of being a singer by trying to get local radio stations to play his cassette single, “Can I Rape a Feeling?”
/wouldn’t be surprised if Big Ben already sleeps in a giant racecar bed
The prize inside the box of Yummy Yummy Rape-Os is a plastic pouch filled with 2 chloroform towelettes and one pair of gently worn leather gloves (one size too small).
As if Jack Link doesn’t have enough problems. About half the workers in one of his plants got shipped out cause they were illegals. Shit sucks mang.
It would be a terrible marketing gaff if Kellogg’s passed Ben up as spokesperson for their Rapin’ Bran cereal.
But is Dennis Dixon ready to rape at a starter level?
“Ted, your new nickname is ‘Teddy Bear’ because Dolphins fans can’t bear to think about the 1st-rounder Nick Saban wasted on your ass.”
“The Dolphins are shopping WR/KR Ted Ginn, according to NFL.com’s Jason LaCanfora.”
Well, if this offseason is any indication… Place your bets folks! Rex Ryan’s new nickname for Ginn?
No worries for Ben. I understand they are still looking for someone to play the Fizzy Pops Grape Blast
Grapist mascot.
I could go for a bowl of Honey Bunches Of Rape
“I can’t imagine anyone touching Ben Roethlisberger.”
That’s exactly why Ben touches THEM.
I heard he was working with Chaco Taco on a new product called Rape-a-Taco.
How about some Quaker Oats ‘Captain Rape’?
/shoves Table Time Rape Jerky discreetly underneath sofa
*Stops eating jerky*
Wait, did you just call me a paleface?!?
How about some honey-glazed dismissed charges?
If Ben can get himself traded to Minnesota, he would be a perfect pitchman for this product which, curiously enough, is made by a company called “Goose Island.”
More like Honey Bunches of Unproven Allegations!
Yeah!
“I can’t imagine anyone touching Ben Roethlisberger.”
NFL defenders disagree 242 times, even if we’re not counting the times Ben broke their tackles or raped them in nightclub bathrooms.
“I can’t imagine anyone touching Ben Roethlisberger.”
Unless Ben touches them by force. While he rapes them.
The BEN has tainted meat? He really should knock off the skanks.
Forgot the “gratuitous Simpsons references” tag
/falls into third place tie with Allied Biscuit
Maj beat me to it, and also made me laugh out loud while my boss was walking by
We would’ve also accepted Post “Rape-Nuts”
BEN HAS EXCLUSIVE INSERT FOR YOU
He could always go the porn route and start selling his semen samples to unwilling college co-eds. Worked once. Might as well get paid for it.