jerky
“Ben, jerky is a family food. Maybe date-rapers eat jerky; we don’t know.
Frankly, we don’t want to know. It’s a market we can do without.”

The makers of “Big Ben’s Beef Jerky” have ended their business relationship with beleaguered Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger. PLB Sports Inc., the Pittsburgh-based company that has produced “Flutie Flakes” among other athlete-related products, announced that they were terminating their contract with Roethlisberger. PLB president and Steelers fan Ty Ballou says that right now Big Ben is toxic as a pitchman:

“I can’t imagine anyone touching Ben Roethlisberger. Enough is enough. I hope there is a suspension. At some point in time, Ben has got to put himself in the right position and understand what it means to be a celebrity, a quarterback, a Steelers player.”

Ouch.

Other beef jerky purveyors shared their view of PLB’s decisions. “It’s a relief,” said dried beef mogul Jack Link, “Ben was really cutting into our market share. Out of sheer panic we were about to replace our ‘Messing with Sasquatch’ ad campaign to ‘Messing with Co-eds’. Looks like we don’t have to now. Whew!”

Big Chief Pemmican was even more direct, “Me just fictional racist corporate mascot contrived by palefaces at ConAgra. Yet me wouldn’t trade places with Big Ben for all buffalo on the plains of my fathers. Seriously, that dude is an asshole. Big time.”

Wow, being told you aren’t classy enough to hawk beef jerky to morons. That’s got to be a kick in the nuts. Maybe a more adventurous company will give Ben another chance. I don’t know, maybe something like…

big ben cereal nom nom nom

[ ht ]