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Name: Dez Bryant
Nickname: None required, his name is Dez.

Age: 21
Mom’s age: 35
Dad’s age: Early 60′s

After careful calculation: Holy statutory!
So is he the child of a rape?: Sure, but it’s not rape rape.

Controversy: Bryant was suspended for the better part of last season after lying to the NCAA about his relationship with NFL analyst/mentor Deion Sanders. The NCAA was curious because Sanders is a well known mentor to many amateur athletes, and he runs a training program geared towards preparing players for pro workouts. He’s also close with his former agent Eugene Parker who also happens to represent another Sanders protege, Michael Crabtree. In the end Bryant’s only transgression was telling an unnecessary lie to a bunch of assholes out of some misguided fear.

Agent: Eugene Parker.
Coincidence?: Totally.

Mainstream comparison: “The next Randy Moss?”
Dez’s comparison: “I would compare myself to Larry Fitzgerald.”
KSK comparison: A slightly bigger Chad Ochocinco with better leaping ability and less elusiveness.

Who wants him: Just about everyone who needs a receiver.
Who will take him: Miami.

Story ESPN Will Shove Down Your Throat: Fibbers can’t be trusted, especially the ones who take more than 4.5 seconds to run 40 yards.

Immediate impact: Pretty good for a rookie wide receiver who hasn’t played organized football in a while.
Down the road: As talented as his proponents claim, and more dedicated than his critics alleged him to be. But he’s still not Randy Moss or Larry Fitzgerald.