Oh, people, this one was tight. Tighter than Andrea Kremer’s electric blue leather corset, I tell you. It was a two-horse race for the 2009 Least of the Year, and the eventual “winner” got first place by a mere 22 votes. People, I give you your Least of the Year… JaMeatball Russell.
(In case you were confused, that’s JaMarcus in the center. No, wait. On the right. Sorry, I just always assume he’s the fat one in any photo.)
JaMarcus was going to pick up his award, but saw an IHOP on the way over and decided to stay there for the next seven years. I wonder if the Raiders should just stop drafting people with the last name Russell. That seems to never work out in their favor. I look forward to JaMarcus being arrested on drug and sexual assault charges three years from now. But don’t worry. JaMarcus promises to cook you dinner tonight, then give you salmonella poisoning, then get fired by you, then get grudgingly called back by you after all of your replacement chefs go down with freakish injuries. Let’s break down the voting… HEISMAN STYLE!
As you can see, Jay Cutler owns the Midwest, while people from both coasts were happy to recognize JaMarcus’ breathtaking incompetence. But what’s with Wyoming? WHY YOU GUYS BE HATIN’ ON LADAINIAN? I never knew Cheyenne was Charger country.
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Really hard to believe that Jake Delhomme didnt earn the award this year. Hard to fuck up quite as bad as he did…
Honorable mentions go to the Steelers entire special teams unit, Limas Sweed, and Brian Westbrook for just being injured from bullshit all year.
I hate Jamarcus. I hate his fat rolls, I hate his lazy attitude, I hate the fact that the Raiders are stuck with him until Al Davis dies and most of all…..I. HATE. YOU!!
That’s a comedy album, dude. And it’s a whole 5 minute bit on them.
Excuse me while I go listen to an entire album of mystery genre (most likely rap) to find the “poignant” 20 seconds worth of Detroit Lions lyrics.
@Sean’s Massive Nutsack – I agree with you completely. We call him a loser, but he’s winning the game of life right now.
For all of you wanting to call JaMarcus or Cutlerfucker losers, I refer you to Kyle Kinane’s bit on the Detroit Lions, off of his recent album Death of the Party. Quite hilarious, yet poignant. http://www.amazon.com/Death-of-the-Party-Explicit/dp/B0034JTBSQ
/And, no, I’m not Kyle Kinane. Just a fan
cutlerfucker will always be my 2009 least of the year.
Long live mediocrity
Of course I meant his “Least-ness.” I can’t believe I eat with these things.
1. Cutler has a face for that,
2. Derek Anderson pissed all over DelHomme’s presser (and Cleveland Fan) on his way out the door.
3. JabbaMarcus clerly dominated the field with his Meast-ness. The voters got this one spot on.
Jake Delhommes press conference was one of the finest studies in douchebaggery since T.O.’s “thats my qb”. how on earth could he ever honestly think that the cats were going to retain him as the most absurdly over paid back-up in league history? leave it to the panthers to let the best player in their teams history head to chicago, and to resign jake AFTER the worst playoff performance by a qb that i have ever seen.
@Porky
The only problem with that is that afterwards JarMarcus would have used all of his energy for the year and go into a season ending hibernation.
I love JaMarcus. He is a hero to all of us lazy fucks, worldwide. I love how he basically pisses all over the “privilege” of being an NFL player (not to mention the 1st overall pick).
From spending his offseason on the beaches of the Alabama Gulf Coast, trying not to be mistaken for a beached whale, to his in-season mansion in California, where he skips studying the playbook in order to fuck blond co-eds from UC-Berkeley on a 4 foot pile of empty Papa John’s pizza boxes, JaManatee is a winner in life regardless of being a massive loser on the field.
It is true that sports radio 1090 AM in San Diego does make it very far (200+ miles to me) because their transmitter is in Mexico on steroids. That ionosphere would reflect that signal right into Wyoming. How KSK gets into Wyoming I’m not sure.
As much as I wanted Cutlerfucker to win the Least, I looked back at the 2009 passing stats to make an argument against JaFatty winning. But HOLY SHIT was he terrible – last in Completions, Comp. Percentage, Passing Yards, TDs and QB Rating. Three touch downs all season long? Congratulations, JMR, you are the biggest loser.
Also, who the hell is LT2? My first guess would be Tomlinson, but I’ve never heard it before. (Yes, I obviously know who Lawrence Taylor is).
I’m shocked Derek Anderson didn’t even get honorable mention. That worthless fuck had a worse year than even Russell.
You can pick up your award in the parking lot JaMarcus.
In Wyoming, they all gather around the fireplace and listen to a 1920s radio while listening to staticky San Diego frequencies. That’s a perfect Sunday.
Somewhere, Cutler is sulking in his loss.
“Hey JaMarcus, show us something you’ll regret buying when you’re broke and homeless in five years.”
@ Low Commander…
If the NFL allowed the Raiders to place a Grand Slam breakfast in the end zone, we’d all be calling Jamarcus “Cop Speed.”
Wow… the pink stain of Brady Quinn didn’t get a single state.
Uggghhh…I guess we need to start all over with the electrical college.
I thought my vote for Cutlerfucker would be the swing (only) vote in Wyoming.
We missed a major opportunity here, people. Cutler was by far the Least this year… how he didn’t get the vote is astounding.
Franchise savior? Check. Franchise quarterback? Check.
Jake weeps at his loss, but is cheered by his potential to win the Least for the next several years.
//Here’s looking at you, Ralphie
I feel like the right man won here. Congratulations, JaMarcus. You fat worthless piece of shit.
They have TVs in Wyoming?
I don’t think Jamarcus is capable of the thing you call “dash”…
More likely that Jamarcus gets busted for a string of Denny’s “Dine-and-Dash” heists.
I look forward to JaMarcus being arrested on drug and sexual assault charges three years from now.
Pshaw. Sexual assault is a fat white guy crime.
YES! The Raiders finally win!!!
Day-o
me say daaaayo
daylight come when you fire Delhomme
The black shroud of Delhomme has smothered the Carolinas.
The Carolinas are represented by black? THAT’S RACIST! Oh, wait, the black represents Jake Delhomme’s necrotic year? Carry-on.
Canada says: Oh Horsefeathers
@ SafetyDan They just got a shipment of 14kbps modems.
We’ll get ‘em next year, Cutlerfucker.
Is there any way you can throw up the total number of votes you got per state? It would be mildly interesting to see how many readers KSK as per state.
As in Wyoming has working internet, when the fuck did this happen?